A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ok bit of a strange question for you. Well recently I was walking my dog when I came upon my best friends daughter and her boyfriend (well I presume) having sex. Dont get me wrong, it wasnt like an open field, in all fairness it seemed quite a romantic place but anyway I am unsure whether to tell the mother. You see she is forever telling me how amazing her daughter is (goes to a private school, good at art, sports, riding etc) and I know damn well that she is out partying half the time. But she is a lovely girl, just amazingly good at lying and putting on a act. She is 15, almost 16. I dont have a daughter, just a son, but If he was up to that I would want my best friend to tell me! I dont want to get the girl into trouble but I also dont want to keep something from my best friend. Its enevitable that it will be awkward between me and the daughter now anyway. Any advice?
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 I had a friend like this who used to brag about her children being perfect, they weren't, of course. But she did take great delight in pointing out all of my children's flaws... I did not tell her why her son was ridiculed at school (face down drunk on the sidewalks most weekends) or that most parents don't let their 16 year old daughter have their boyfriend "sleep over" (and the Mom LOVED to call other teenage girls "loose"), but I wound up not being friends with her anyways when it became apparent that she was in a lot of denial about how she treated people in general.
I'm not sure that she would welcome your advice, but make sure of your motives when telling her, if you do. You might regret it if your intentions aren't pure. A lot of mothers live vicariously through their children and their accomplishments, and she might not be your friend if you point this out to her. There is no point in sinking to her level.
As far as her daughter goes, you can probably assume that a girl who is close to 16 and is having sex in the shrubbery probably has enough information to handle herself, but if you're not, have a quiet word with her. It could be just the thing to make her think that at least one grown up knows what she has been up to. Usually, simply KNOWING that one of your Mom's friend's knows what's what is enough to make them rethink a few things...
A
male
reader, nicky79  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 I think you should talk to the daughter, then go from there. Just a suggestion.
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A
female
reader, scrazy +, writes (24 June 2008):
 Tell her mother.
She's not the age of consent, she could end up pregnant if they weren't using protection or wind up with an STI...the possibilities are actually endless. Along with her partying; that's trouble waiting to happen as well.
And I'm sorry, if you're going to have sex in a public place, you're going to get caught - her mother should be happy it was you and not the authorities.
I have a feeling you'll take (sick) joy in informing your friend that her daughter is no angel, but to be honest?
Go ahead and enjoy; the woman is clearly deluded if she thinks her daughter is a perfect angel, she's a teenager, she's going to lie, get herself in trouble, make stupid decisions and so on and so forth...
She may be bitter and angry with you for ruining her distorted reality but being a parent means that you need to know what your kid's up to, so you can guide/direct/punish/take care of them.
At least it would be coming from a friend and not a stranger; so she doesn't feel as stupid if she's not already aware.
Her daughter is probably going to hate you if you tell her - but who really cares? She's a teenager, they hate everyone.
All the best!
xo
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A
female
reader, bday121 +, writes (24 June 2008):
 I'd tell the mother. This mom needs a wake-up call to realize that her daughter isn't a perfect little angel. She needs to get with reality, and this is the perfect time to bring her back down to earth. What use is it to allow the mother to be so deluded? If she realizes what her daughter is up to then she could help/advise her with birth control, boyfriends, drinking, etc. It sounds to me like this girl needs a little guidance - tell her mother what you saw so that the mother can give her daughter the realistic and helpful advice and parenting that she needs.
The daughter might be angry with you if she found out - but so what? She'll get over it. And by telling her mother you will be helping this girl's future. You could potentially save her from an unwanted pregnancy or drunk-driving charge. Somone needs to put some restrictions on her wild partying habits - and who better to do that than her mother?
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A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (23 June 2008):
 I think you should mention it so if she doesn't know, at least she will be aware of it. The friend may already know. You could also talk to the daughter about it too and find out if she has birth control etc.
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A
male
reader, logicdebates +, writes (23 June 2008):
You should tell her. If your friend says you are lying, say it's her choice to be in denial. That daughter needs to grow up and be responsible. Life isn't about partying or underage sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): I honestly don't think that her daughter would tell her mother. NOt if she's been lying to her and pretending to be so innocent and pure and perfect.
I wouldn't destroy your friend's image of her own daught. You'd be taking a lot away from her.
Is there any chance you could talk to her daughter about what has happened?
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (23 June 2008):
 What an awkward situation.
There are so many implications here.
If you dont tell and the girl tells her mum that you saw them then you could lose your friend.
If she isnt using proper precautions as she hasnt told her mum then she could end up pregnant - not your fault but at least if her mum knows she can arrange for her to go on the pill etc
Your friend may not believe you or fall out with you from embarrasment
The daugher could deny it all
I also suspect you would get a bit of pleasure in telling this woman that her precious daughter is not so fantastic after all - not judging you by the way - I have a friend with a daughter just like this and can almost imagine the pleasure I'd get telling her - sounds awful but its true!!!!!!
So a very difficult one to answer. You could try talking to the daughter, tell her you are concerned re sexual diseases and pregnancy and see if she is prepared to tell her mum. If not then you may need to do it yourself. I THINK I would want to know if it was my daughter x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): Hi There, If this was me i would want to know if my 15 year old daughter was out having sex in public places. If i were you i would sit down and tell her, and explain that if it were your daughter you would like to know, so for her daughters own safety you thought you should tell her. Please let us know how it goes! x
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