A
female
age
41-50,
*eachy
writes:Hi People...I really need advice on my current situation, my story is quite long but il write this as quick as i can!I was with my ex for 9 year (we got engaged at xmas), we split 2 month ago.We have been living together for the past 2 year 3 month, and have been very happy until the last few month. My partner usually works away but has not been in work since Dec. He began socialising alot more with his friends during the week, and taking recreational drugs. At times he would come in late or would bring all his friends back to our home - this is where our arguments began.However we talked about this and he promised to change, only for the next night to do it all over again.We had both been out drinking and when i discovered he'd taken drugs again i went mental with him, i told him i wanted someone new and i physically attacked him (i know this is wrong), for the first time ever he hit me back (not hard, no black eye etc) - i think he got a real shock, the following week he packed all of my bags, and said that our relationship is over. I know he would never touch me again, he was crying when i went to collect my belongings. He keeps telling people he still loves me, and he cant imagine never being with me again, but his decision is made.I emailed him asking if we could talk as i still loved him, he messaged back saying maybe but he didnt know if too much had happended between us for things to ever work out, he did say he loved me in his mail. That was three weeks ago and he has not been in touch. I have not contacted him anymore, as he must be moving on (i dont think he is with anyone else)- however i wake up each day praying he will call, as i love him with all my heart. I know we can both learn from this and be happy. But his mixed siganls are tearing me apart. what shall i do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mystifiedme +, writes (30 June 2008):
So happy its helped you!
There's nothing worse than being stuck in a confusion just not knowing what to do! I only found this site myself and needed guidance too and thankfully got great advice!
Glad I was able to help!
Have fun enjoying you singledom! You may love it that bit more and the pain of missing him may subside soon. More ot the point...you may just gain strength from this and be ready for a more fir relationship if you and he decide to get back together! But even if you don't! You've learnt and grown from this experience...and that can never be a bad thing!
Enjoy yourself!!!!!
Good luck!
A
female
reader, beachy +, writes (26 June 2008):
beachy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate what you have said and it has given me something to think about... i have been blaming myself, but really his behaviour (even though different) was probably equally as bad as mine!! Think i do need some time out - thanks what you have written has helped!!!
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A
female
reader, mystifiedme +, writes (25 June 2008):
Yeah...I would be going mental to tell you the truth!
I was hte person who replied to the second time...I'm the one who didn't know quiet what to say!
3 times a week and you have to go to work?!
Seriously there was a major block in his communication and respect for you...
Obviously hitting him was a major fault on your part...but have you been letting you fury adn anger build? Then all it takes is a bit of PMT to make the pressure cooker pop!
Believe I know!
I would jsut take this time for YOU! Never mind thinking about wanting him back.
I would take time to enjoy getting up to no bodies on your floor...enjoy your rest and independence.
If like you say he has been sayign he still loves you? Then maybe he needs space to forgive you for hitting him but he may come back to speek with you in the future and wouldn't you rather
1. you were more relaxed and at peace with yourself
2. confident in knowing what you want and need from a partner and not afraid to ask for it
3. sure that he is what you want and confident he has made that same choice too?
Space might give him the chance to change...which lets face it...it wasn't very nice for himto disregard you like that...parties drugs and lying about it. I'm not dead set against the whole drugs thing like you were..if it was recreational, but mayeb it was a bit more than that?
Wish you luck!!!
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A
female
reader, beachy +, writes (25 June 2008):
beachy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to mention, that i already have sought help for my anger, i went to see my doc who recommended that i change my contracetive pill, as my anger comes with my monthly cycle... that was over a month ago and i now feel much better since i changed it!!! He knows i ahve done this too.
And i already had tried to talk to him on many occasions, but he kept saying he understood why it upset me (i worked mon-fri) and he was bringing people back about three times a week!! which meant i was really tired for work, and had to climb over people when i left for work on a morning!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): Hi Ye!First of all I want to say sorry for your pain and situation. Its not easy!!!I kinda agree witht he first comment...maybe just let him go and show you are aware of your actions and faults with the situation and then maybe when you've really changed and learned to let him be free, he will really change and learn to let you in adn bit more socially!Who knows...but tiem is a big healer as they say.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): Well you hit him and I don't think you realise how awful that is and how big of an impact that has had on his feelings. (Which is completely understandable). Sometimes when you let arguments escalate to that level, it is really hard to put that behind and go back to the way things were.
I mean so he is young and he was staying out with his friends and using drugs recreationally. (I'm assuming he is smoking weed? I hope just that...) I know alot of people who do that at your age. I think you were being too hard on him just because he wants to be young and have fun. There's no harm in that and he should be able to have fun and have friends. This is the best time to do all that. And if for some reason you felt left out or like it imposed on your relationship, you could have talked to him with RESPECT.
You really got to learn how to control your anger and losing him might be the lesson you need to realise how wrong you were and that you should never do that again. You should NEVER hit someone. You are not his mother, or guardian. You were his girl-FRIEND. Friends don't hit friends. You don't own him, you don't control him.
For now, you gotta let him be. I don't know if he will come back. But I think you are focusing too much on getting him back and not enough on realising that this is a good time for you to think about what you did and how you can be a better person, with or without him...That's what you should focus on right now.
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