A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my fiancé for 4 years and we are to be married June. We have a great relationship but I recently made a mistake and had a brief sexual relationship with a co-worker. It was over the span of 2 weeks, and it actually brought me closer to my partner - I realized that while this was new and exciting it was not fulfilling and the sex was not anything special. I decided to put this behind me and move forward. It has been 2 months and I just found out that I am pregnant. Due to hormonal complications I am not taking birth control but used condoms with the "other man", my fiancé pulls out. I am not going to have an abortion, personally that is out of the question for me. I cannot be certain of the paternity because I slept with both men during the same time span. The man I had an affair with had stated previously that he was not capable of having kids - but I am not sure how certain that information is. So here is my question... Do I let this blow up and tell my fiancé - knowing that it is more likely his child? What if I ruin everything only for it to be his? On the other hand, I am NOT comfortable letting a man raise another man's child, and will have a paternity test once the baby is born, and if it turns out to not be his he he would have spent time and money during the pregnancy. Also I know the other man would want to be involved... Any suggestions?!
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female
reader, Rose22  +, writes (17 February 2011):
 hmm i think get the test done while you are pregnant because that can be done, if its ur husbands, then i dont think you need to tell him but it would put you at ease.
if it isnt your husbands then yes you do need to tell your husband. picture this if it isnt your husbands, your baby is born, beautiful and lovely it grows up and somehow it doesnt look like your husband at all and has totally different traits to him or you. lets say you both have blue eyes ans brown hair and blue eyes and the baby is born with blond hair and brown eyes? there is gona be questions asked. and you will see your co worker in your child. so get that test done, then move from there, i really trully hope that it your husbands! as it seems that it really could be. get it done and then get back to us and tell us what happened if you want?
all the best
redrose
xxx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): "No. Lying about who the baby is related to is awful, but to compare it to rape shows a really blatant lack of respect or regard for how horrific a hate crime rape is. The two things are not even on the same level."
I found out 3 years ago that I am not the biological father of my oldest son.
When I was 14, both my parents died in a tragic accident.
Finding out the paternity news was worse. By a long shot.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 February 2011):
 Paternity tests can be done during pregnancy. Since it actually does seem like it's your fiancé's (you said the guy was infertile, and you used condoms, and you were using a very unreliable form of contraception with your fiancé), I really wouldn't tell him about the affair unless the baby wasn't his. If it turns out that's not his baby and you lie to him about it, that is about 1000x worse than having an affair. You either need to tell him, or you need to have that paternity test like yesterday. They can definitely do them before the baby is born.
"It's as bad as rape is for a woman."
No. Lying about who the baby is related to is awful, but to compare it to rape shows a really blatant lack of respect or regard for how horrific a hate crime rape is. The two things are not even on the same level.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): CaringGuy is correct. For men, being lied to about their child's paternity is every bit as painful as getting raped.
The days of keeping this stuff a secret are ending. Modern medical care involves genetic screening more every year. The truth WILL come out sooner or later.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (16 February 2011):
Your course of actions depends on your motivation. Are you motivated to do the right thing, or to aim for the best outcome, or to look out for your own interests?
If you are motivated to do the right thing, you need to tell your fiance that you had an affair and that the baby might not be his, as a first step, and take things from there. To hide all of this and then marry the guy under the pretence of love, honesty, fidelity, trust and respect, when you have not upheld these things, is adding insult to injury. Its not fair on him in the worst way, and if you have any love or respect for him you would feel that he has a right to know. If you don't care enough to tell him, you probably should't be marrying him in the first place.
If you want to aim for the best outcome...the above still applies. The reason is that honsety is the best policy in the long run. If you keep it a secret and hope for the best, you might find out the baby is his and never tell him, and think that everything will work out great. The probablem is, you will know the truth, and it will come back to haunt you at some point. Pick one of the millions of movies with this theme, they all point to the same thing, secrets have a way of affecting us more deeply than we like to give credit for. This secret will affect you and your marriage. Best to deal with the mess you have made.
If you want to look out purely for your own interests....all of the above still applies. You can try to get away with it all and not have to face the music, but like I said, it will most likely come back to face you, and there is also the possibility that it will blow up even worse in your face if your fiance isnt the father, and you have ended up marrying the guy! So in your own interests too, you probably need to face the music.
One question remains. You felt like you needed to have an affair, and if not for the baby you give the impression that you would have not told your fiance about it. I wonder whether you really love this guy. Your letter is quite cold, almost business like and doesn't express any kind of feelings about what you have done or the implications for your fiance. The only concern you voice about him is that you worry about him spending his "time and money" on a child that might not be his. Its all very business like and transactional, there is nothing of love, care, remorse, guilt, happiness, or any emotional content at all. It might just be a question of practical writing for this post, I would wager that you are not emotionally connected to what is going on, and until you are, I wouldn't be getting married. Just a hunch....
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (15 February 2011):
I agree with CaringGuy and I would like to add: you have to tell your fiancé for medical reasons. Your baby could need some kind of medical help involving ADN matching and everybody would assume that your fiancé is a potential donor.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (15 February 2011):
Yes, you have to tell him. In my opinion, the worst thing a woman can do is conceal the fact that a man may or may not be a father to a child. It's as bad as rape is for a woman (as controversial as that probably sounds).
You have made a huge mistake here, and if you have any kind of respect for this man, your fiance, you will tell him and allow him to make his own decision as to whether he wants to be with your or not. If you choose not to tell him, then everything about your relationship becomes a lie. After all, how can you love someone if you lie so badly? How can you love someone if you cheat and expect it all to be okay? What happens when he finds out about the affair later on? What if you don't tell him, and it's not his baby?
You need to answer for what you have done, and it's better to do it now than later. This is the man you claim to love - so prove it and tell him you've made a big mistake. Let him choose whether he wants to be with you or not. Don't make the choice for him, or for the rest of your life you'll just be a liar and a hypocrite.
Tell him.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (15 February 2011):
 My personal opinion is "no" you should not tell your fiance about this dalliance with the coworker. Listening to just what you have presented here, it seems more likely than not that the father is your fiance.
But guilt is a powerful emotion. I believe that is why you are so worked up about this. Telling your fiance would hurt him more than it would help you at this point.
The affair is over. It was a mistake. Do not confess this out of guilt unless you want to end your relationship. Do not relieve yourself of the guilt at the expense of your future husband and family. Having a paternity test will most likely ruin your marriage as well. Don't do it.
It sounds like your coworker had a vasectomy. On top of that you used a condom, and you only had sex on a few occasions. The method you're using with your fiance is much more shaky. Odds are probably 100-1 that your fiance is the father. Try to put it our of your mind.
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