A
female
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*isa_01
writes:We have been seeing each other for 2 years and we live together. About 1 month ago I was going through his phone and read some messages from a girl I dont know. It said "I don't like to share, call me when you're single". I don't know what to do, or how to approach my boyfriend about this. I'm worried he cheated on me with this girl or tried to. I also found out she had been to the house once while I was not around. What should I do?
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female
reader, lisa_01 +, writes (8 December 2005):
 Hi there, thanks everyone for the advice on this, i still have not spoken to him about it i guess im just too scared, i did try and find out who this girl is and so on, i think its point to this one female he meet in a discusion group that he is part of. I had also been keeping an eye on the situation, their has been no messages or phone calls or emails or any type of contact with this girl since the message i found. About a week ago my bf and i was shopping and he pointed this girl out to me which is the same girl that i expect the message to come from, then he told me later on that she was crazy and that her and her friends where sending these messages to him on his mobile that were very strange, anyways thats all he said about it so maybe it was her and her friends ,but still this does not explain why he would not tel me about this female coming to the house. and id also just like to say "martini" thanks for your advice, its nice to hear it coming from a guys side, at first i did think he cheated but now i dont think he did, im no longer looking in his phone or checking his emails. i have now though about things and instead of looking for evidence to catch him out instead im not going toworry about it and if he has done something then i bleave that the guilt will kick in at some point and he will tell me, but deep down i really dont think he has done anything at all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005): Ah just fantastic. I've had my girlfriend confront with something like that before, but that's okay. At least that shows she cares about our relationship. I told my gf that it was someone who got a hold of my number, and we chatted amongst groups, and obviously she's taken a liking to me - either that, or she likes the idea of taking a guy from another girl. The thing is, I don't need to explain much, cuz what I do for my gf totally reassures her about my feelings towards her. She asked me about the messages and I told her exactly who she is, where I met her, and who I was with for confirmation - habit, even if she doesn't ask for it.If I go out with friends, I tell her I was with so and so. I call her to check how she's doing with homework/work. You get what I mean? Be straightforward, but take perspectives. Don't be brick-headed. Try to see other sides.
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A
female
reader, angle_eyes10 +, writes (19 November 2005):
hi
how can you bring up your concerns when the only proof you have is from a text on his phone!
obviously you want to discuss this with him, but im affraid by you saying whats this text about, he might start to think he has no personal space in the relationship. it could easily trun around and you could look like the bad one in this, the paranoid girlfreind, who goes through her boyfriends phone.
the text did say, call me back when your single, perhaps nothing happened, which is something that is comendable in your boyfriend. It's always easy to think the worst about someone and not the best. i honestly wouldnt be happy knowing that a girl was over my house with my boyfriend if i wasnt there. even if nothing happened, there will always be that susp[ision in your mind.
id suggest sitting down with him, take a couple of hours if need be, start talking about the relationship you have, the highs and lows (try not to argue at this point lol) then ask him if hes ever considered cheating, or if he has. says you would try to understand before he replies. personally id keep checking his phone to make sure she still wasnt texting, if she is phone her off his mobile and ask her politly to stop texting. if she does tell your bf, he may be too embaressed to bring it up, but back from planet bunny boiler, i think you should have a heart to heart. otherwise the unknown will take over your thoughts and youll end up hating him and her, hope this helps.x
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A
female
reader, 1stlovesince2003 +, writes (18 November 2005):
If i was you i wouldnt be able to trust someone who has done that, it might be hard to do but you might want to consider leaving him because if he can do that to you once he will be able to do that to you again. Every person is better than that, and if the guy really cared for you he wouldnt be able to do that to you or even consider it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2005): He's cheating on you. Dump him. I know it hurts to think about it but even if you ask him he will probably lie to you. I've been through this and I know it hurts but once a cheater always a cheater. Stop wasting your time. Most times it really is what it seems to be. If you really want to know the truth you could try to call the person who left the messages. Chances are she already knows who you are. I hate to say it but if she's been at your house then she's probably been in your bed too. I must warn you though my advice may be a bit extreme since I have trust issues due to my cheating ex-boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (17 November 2005):
 Obviously, no body benefits from the information if you keep it to yourself. The fact that you were going through his phone sends out a red flag to me, it suggests there are some trust issues already. Be prepared to defend your reasons for going through his phone, when backed in to a corner he will try to turn the tables on you. Two very important questions would be, why was a woman you don't know in your house when you were not home, and why would he have given her his phone number to begin with. I feel an explanation should be expected whether he denies an affair or not.
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A
female
reader, louiseBaker +, writes (17 November 2005):
The fact that you were looking through his fone in the first place suggests that you were suspicious about his untrustworthy behaviour. My boyfriend has done this to me twice before and i found out that he was texting other women, although he lied to me until i rang the number and found out. I did actually forgive him but only due to the fact that we were experiencing problems in our relationship at the time and i really wosnt paying him enough attention at the time. This is very hurtful however and you definately need to get to the bottom of what has been going on before you can work out whether you can trust him and continue a relationship with him.
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A
female
reader, sexseahot  +, writes (17 November 2005):
 lisa_01,
I think this is definitely something that should be brought up. Something seems fishy to me. Do you have any idea who this girl is? Is he keeping her a secret from you. If you answered yes to the second question, there is definitely something suspicious about this whole situation. She has no business being at your house while you're not there and why would your boyfriend really care if she didn't want to share if he wasn't doing anything with her. I don't know what exactly could be going on, but you should for sure bring this to his attention. This girl has no reason to say things such as that.
Ask him if he plans on breaking up with you or something? Has he told this girl he WAS going to be single sometime in the future? There's a lot of questions to be asked about this and you should most definitely do it soon. The sooner the better.
Make sure you know what's going on, especially if you two live together, there's no reason for some girl you don't know to be at your home.
Good Luck!!!!
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A
male
reader, PsychicHigh +, writes (17 November 2005):
Don't hide it from him that you know what has happened so far. You don't know if there is even anything happening between the two, as you have not witnessed it yourself, and the worse of the messages is just "I don't like to share, call me when you're single."
If they are even as simply as flirting, it may not even be him instigating it all, or even wanting to be a part of it.
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A
female
reader, chunchilla +, writes (17 November 2005):
Dear Lisa_01,
The only thing to do is come clean and tell him. It may be hard and his reaction will probably be to an angry one, but do you really want to continue your relationship constantly worrying whether or not he did cheat and worse, if he will do it again?
Trust is so important and without it the uncertainty will just infect all that is good in your relationship. I have been in exactly the same situation and it almost drove me mad. In the end I had to come clean and it was definately for the best. If he has had something going on with this girl and it sounds like it is possible and you tell him you looked a his phone, at least you are even with regards to breaking trust with eachother. If it is perfectly innocent on his side then great, but you must find out for your own security, then you can properly decide what you want to do once you know the full story.
Best of luck and I hope it all works out for you!
x
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