A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Well... I am 28 years old and have been with the same guy for 10 years... Yes, 10 years. We're not technically married, but do plan to stay together for the long hall. And, I just found out I was pregnant. Obviously we've been being careful over the years, but these things do happen. Despite the commitment, we are not ready to have children. I recently graduated from college and to my surprise and elation, my boyfriend busted his butt and just returned to school after an 8 year hiatus. It's very important to him, and he has just under two years till graduation. As he did for me while I was in school, I'm working 2 jobs to pay our bills (my degree is in the arts, ha!). The plan is for him to graduate, we'll move back near our families, settle down, have kids, and start our adult lives. Obviously, there is now a wrench in this plan. If I were to keep this child, he'd have to drop out of school for financial reasons and the choice would reverberate through the rest of our lives. Through the last ten years we have been a complete mess together, Drugs, alcohol, poor decisions... you name it, we've done it. Why now, as we clean up our lives and plan a path, should this happen? Neither of us want kids right now. period.So, inevitably, to me, abortion kinda seems like a no brainer. I was raised in a liberal family, and I have no qualms about the decision for myself. I know he would not be excited about the pregnancy, and would see what it would do to our plans. We've chosen to be on birth control for a reason.He, however, is not from a liberal family. He is from a very strong catholic, pro-life family. You couldn't get any more pro-life than his family. They are the people that actively protest abortion, write letters, picket, and bring up their views in every conversation. And, as people do, he has taken on the values of his parents. He certainly doesn't feel as strongly as them by any means, but I know in his heart he feels it's wrong.If I tell him, I will not convince him that abortion is the right choice, no matter how much he does not want this child right now. I know his heart will break if I tell him I'm pregnant.Should I just go ahead and make the educated decision for both of us?Should I go and get an abortion so we can continue the life paths that took us so long to find?
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male
reader, dave2 +, writes (30 November 2011):
#1 I the fact of the matter here is that he is going to be the father and is responsible for supporting this child till the child reaches the age of 18.#2 If you plan on having this baby, you should plan on getting married and giving the child to grow up in a family with both a father and a mother.#3 If you have the baby and don't marry, your going to have a very difficult time trying to find another man that will accept you with another man's child.#4 If you decide to have the baby, your family pretty much starts now, by getting the abortion it really means that the both of you are not ready to make a serious commitment.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): Of COURSE YOU SHOULD TELL HIM...CHOICE!!!!!..i am all for choice, but if you don't tell him you would take his freedom of choice away. An educated decision is not always a wise decision.
Choice! you both created this spark of new life...BOTH should decide...don't rob him of the truth or you may live to regret it, you could not say you are clean because you would hide a very dark secret far worse than any drink or drugs...come clean TRUTH.
spunky monkey
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 November 2011):
 DanielLePew -- My advice has bearing on her pregnancy and the decision to keep or end it. The long haul and long term thinking is imperative in a decision like this, as the emotional, physical and psychological effects are very far reaching.
Also, I made a suggestion about her relationship because it is a crisis like this that can reveal major roadblocks that might not have been spotted had this not occurred. I don't take it personally whether she agrees or disagrees, as it's often in the disagreement that other thoughts or breakthroughs in diagnosing the problem can come out.
In this case, on the surface it may seem like ill timing and convenience, but I see more to it, and there is nothing wrong with it.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 October 2011):
 A pregnancy is 100% a woman's, a child is 50% a woman's. A fetus is not a child and it belongs 100% to the woman.OP I think everyone here is in agreement that in a long term committed relationship, short of threat of harm for telling him, you really need to tell him. You don't have to do what he says you should, but you really do need to tell him. After 10 years together, you need to be able to talk about something like this. In fact before even having sex, you need to be able to talk about the possible outcomes of sex. To be honest, if you're not in agreement about what you would do were you to become pregnant, you might not want to be having sex. Do you know he'd be against it? If it's just his family but you don't know his point of view, you might be surprised.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 Note to You Wish, and hopefully for the poster as well: Please, let's notice that the poster seems to have no question about this being something for the long haul.
This is a very tough situation because, yes, the pregnancy is 100% the woman's. The child, however is not; it's only 50% hers. And if it were him who wanted to abort, and she didn't, he would need to take full responsibility for the child. This is one of the reasons why abortion is such a complicated matter. Few things are absolutely clear.
Many men in this situation would want an abortion, but here the man does want him. It is the mother who doesn't. So, a father has no say in whether his child will live or die. Think of it from the perspective of a man who wants a child, and you won't like it.
Abortion aside, let us face the facts: If a man knew that his wife was pregnant, but hid the fact, would he be happy? If he were the sort of man who would choose to keep the child, and if he knew that his woman knows that, would he not entertain the idea that maybe the baby was not by him? Otherwise, why would the woman hide the pregnancy? And if she claimed to do it for the man's sake, for his college education, would he not resent not having been told? If the woman claimed to have done it "for his college education", would the man not want to have had the opportunity to choose whether he wanted college or his kid?
This situation is not about whether a woman can have an abortion or not. It is whether she has a right not to tell the father. The father is not a bum who lives off fools and is no use; he lives with her, kept her while she studied, has not married her but has been with her for ten years and, to all appearances and in the original poster's opinion, wants to stay in the relationship.
I should also point out that, according to the poster, she has no problem with the pregnancy itself. She has said she has a problem with the effect that keeping a child would have on her man's long-term career prospects.
Let me quote her:
Obviously, there is now a wrench in this plan. If I were to keep this child, he'd have to drop out of school for financial reasons and the choice would reverberate through the rest of our lives. Through the last ten years we have been a complete mess together, Drugs, alcohol, poor decisions... you name it, we've done it. Why now, as we clean up our lives and plan a path, should this happen? Neither of us want kids right now. period.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 October 2011):
You need to talk this out with him. A secret like this would erode you both even if you never mentioned it. It's like a festering oozing sore, and it WOULD come out eventually and most likely in the ugliest way.
Since it's 10 years invested, you need to tell him. Ultimately, the decision is yours alone. I understand the logic behind the baby being "half his", but the PREGNANCY is 100% yours and thus you have 100% of the decision to keep or not keep.
I too read your post and thought a few things, not about your pregnancy, but the state of your relationship. 10 years is a long time to be together without some promise for future steps (aka marriage or common law domestic partnership). I hear about this and wonder who doesn't trust whom. When I hear about you and the pregnancy, I'm wondering if you're in self-preservation mode because you harbor doubts about your boyfriend. You said that you two slacked your life away for 8 years and he's just not rebounding while you're now being the pack horse and supporting him.
What assurances do you have that he won't graduate under the umbrella of your labor only to ditch you? I worry that you are investing in your lives with no reassurance of a return, hence your trepidation of having a child. I understand the whole "he'd have to drop out" stuff, but truthfully, he could stay in if you left him, stopped supporting him, and raised the baby on your own. Your career is established, and with the network of child care and obviously you're doing well enough to support two, he would be the more vulnerable party in all this. Besides, he could resume studies from home on the internet, so a child won't hamper those plans.
I can only chalk it up to your not trusting that your relationship has a 100% chance of having a future for whatever reason. What to do with your baby is one thing. What to do with your OTHER baby....aka...your boyfriend...is quite another.
What do you want your REAL future to be? You'd feel really bad if you've been led on and shortchanged for the past 10 years.
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female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 Im pro-choice, and ultimately I believe it's your choice. But, i think you should chose to tell him.Having an abortion is going to be very hard for you, your going to need a lot of support, you will need your partner - even if you decide that's the best thing to do. If I fell pregnant, I would have an abortion because I am not in a place where I could give a child what I believe to be right that is both emotionally and financially, but I would tell my boyfriend, but I would be clear it was my decision for my reasons. I would have to accept that this might mean loosing him.In your case you have been together ten years, he really does have a right to know - he's not that religious if you have been together that long and aren't married, have been having sex for a long while and I'm guessing using contraceptives. This is between you and him not his family, so I would suggest you tell him, talk to him, make your decision.I wish you all the best, talk to a medical proffesional as well and remember this is your body and ultimately (know some people aren't going to like what I've written) your choice.K
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): Don't tell him. If you think you can do it in such a way that he never ever finds out, then do it. Do what you feel is right, personally I don't believe that ANYONE gets to have a say about what happens to your body. However, as a caution, if you do keep it from him, and he finds out later that you did it with out consulting him, its possible that he would be even more upset and it could hurt your relationship.
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female
reader, carebare  +, writes (31 October 2011):
I strongly suggest you tell him because it's his child too, and you are in a long-term relationship which means that if you went through with the abortion behind his back, you would have to keep this hidden from him for the rest of your life and that's damaging to your relationship with eachother.
I understand his family is less liberal but if you truely believe that an abortion is the right decision for both of you, as much as it will break his heart, he'll probably support you. Furthermore, this is a decision you can keep between the two of you. You're both adults. It doesn't have to be anyone else's business if you don't want it to be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): You've been together 10 years and your an established couple. You have to tell him you are pregnant with his child and what you want to do about it.
Regardless of your reasons the question you ask is if you should tell your boyfriend and 100% yes is the answer,neither of your families or indeed anyone,bar you two, need know or should influence what you decide.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 October 2011):
 you have to tell him. it's his child too and he should have a say in how you deal with this....
Personally I think that at 28 and having been in a relationship for ten years the choice is not as cut and dried as you would like it to be and you know this and that's why you are not happy about telling him...
it's between the two of you NOT his family or anyone else. so the truth is that his say has to carry a lot of weight...
if you choose to abort he can be there for you
if he does not want to abort then you can discuss your options (keep the baby or give the baby up for adoption)
but you have valid (in your mind) reasons for wanting the abortion...
I'm very pro choice but in this case I think you are letting fear talk a little more than needed...
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 October 2011):
 You have to tell him. If he has been a one nights stand I might have said, well, he'd never know.
This is a HUGE thing to NOT share in a relationship. Getting an abortion is not like getting a band aid ripped off, you will NEED his support mentally and morally.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (31 October 2011):
 I'm in agreement with Danielpew on this one. If your reason for having an abortion is to protect your boyfriend's career plans then he should be the one to make that call, or at the very least given the chance to weigh in on the matter. Your decision to abort is based on what's good for your career, not his. You're reason for telling him is to seek his support for YOU while YOU, alone, make a big decision for three people.However, if you're going ahead with this and he has no say at all then telling him about it will just be a torment. In effect you'd be declaring 'I'm going to kill your baby and I know you won't like that, but too bad. Just thought you should know.' I don't think I'd be able to sleep at night, much less even look at you if I were him.Having said that, if he discovers it years down the road he will be far from thrilled. Not only will you have done something he is morally opposed to, you would have used him as the excuse to do it and to top it all off you will have lied to his face all that time. Certainly discuss this with him, but be willing to consider his wishes too. If not, then be prepared to take it to your grave.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (31 October 2011):
If you make the decision to abort your child alone you will have to keep it a lifelong secret. If he ever finds out, it would be a tremendous breach of trust. He would not see you as the woman he loves, but as a woman capable of killing her child.I believe you should tell him. Just because you feel okay about this decision now, doesn't mean you will feel the same way about it afterward. I brought a friend to have an abortion once. She seemed like she was sure about her decision, went through with the procedure, then she fell into a deep depression. She had a drug problem when she conceived, but after the abortion, she became truly addicted to cocaine, pills and alcohol. She quit her job where we worked together. She became a prostitute and I lost track of her completely. Before she quit her job, she told me she wished she hadn't had the abortion. That if she had kept the baby she would have gotten clean and done everything to give it a good life.I don't know if you are religious or spiritual, but I like to believe that everything happens for a reason. If your relationship can withstand the trials that come with poor devisions, drugs, and getting clean it is obvious that you two trust each other completely. You have a special bond. You are meant for each other. It also means he deserves to know you are pregnant with his child. You two need to decide together how you want to proceed, otherwise you risk a terrible breach of this trust.Whatever you decide, it is ultimately your decision. Just do some research first and know that you DO have options if you choose to have the baby. You may be eligible for government aid, he may become eligible for tuition assistance. Many schools offer free or reasonably priced daycare centers so parents who otherwise would not be able to attend college are able to complete their college education. His family may even be willing to help him out financially with his first child...these are all things that should be researched and discussed now while you still have the option of abortion open to you if you decide to go that route because it simply isn't the right time to have a child.
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male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (31 October 2011):
If you have spent 10 years of your life with someone then you really do owe it to him to tell him, you really do!
If I was with someone for that long and they aborted a pregnancy from which I was the father, without even telling me, I would never forgive them. It would have to be one of the most cruelest and nastiest things they could ever do to me. He has a right to know, and you have a right to have someone there to support you in what will be your decision.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (31 October 2011):
Disclaimer: personally, I think abortion under this circumstances would not be right. The kid would be eliminated because he or she is a financial burden. You would expect 28 year olds to know what they are doing and what the consequences of sex would be. It's not like you're 15 year olds who have raging hormones and can't do much about them. You're both adults.
End of disclaimer.
There is something I don't like about this post. You're essentially saying that he would want to keep the kid even if it meant financial trouble. Now, you happen to be the one working on two jobs at the time, like your boyfriend did before. Cynic me wonders if the decision to go for abortion is not about the effects on him, but about the effects on you.
I cannot know what he would do. Personally, I would hate you if you hid this pregnancy from me. I would assume my woman to be in a common thing with me. I would need to be certain that you won't be hiding important things from me. Call me a bastard or whatever, but I would leave you if I found out you had had an abortion without even telling me about it. If I were in his place, I would hate you for aborting a child that is also mine without even letting me know about it.
Beyond that, you say this guy is a Catholic and you're not. You also say you've done many "bad" things, and I see no contradiction in this because Catholics do many bad things, just like everybody else. But, you seem to think that his values are a problem. Maybe they are, but you shouldn't assume that your view is better than his every time.
My prophecy is that you will eventually have issues in your relationship, and they will be about what you say and what you don't say and, also, about seeing him as a little less than you.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (31 October 2011):
 You have to tell him, it would be wrong not to. This is 50% his baby, and I know it will hurt him but he has the right to know - you cant make decisions like this on his behalf, it is too big a deal for you to go ahead with the abortion without him even knowing.
Regardless of how he feels about abortions, at the end of the day it is your body and your choice, so even if he isnt happy about it, its still your final decision and he cant stop you.
I know you are worried about hurting him, but his family never need to know about this and as I said before, it is 50% his child, plus you shouldnt be hiding things like this in a relationship - relationships are based on trust and doing something like this behind his back is a massive breach of his trust.
Always be honest and upfront with each other, even when it is tough and could cause a lot of conflict, you still need to talk to him.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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