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male
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anonymous
writes: I was recently at a works night out with the girls from work and their is this girl who i realey like she is so nice very careing and wuldnt hurt a fly and she sees good in everyone but when i was standing at the bar her boyfriend was slaging her off sumthing awfull i could hardly contain my self but i kept my mouth shutdo i tel her or do i let her find out for her self what right git he is.I like this girl alot and i dont want to seem to be trying to split them up it upsets me to no she is going out with a man like this. do i tel her or not. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, janleid +, writes (4 December 2005):
Don’t say a word, and don’t be a shoulder to cry on. Besides, she already knows who he is. They say the girlfriend is the last to know but really she’s the first to know and the last to believe. If you tell her and then ask her out you’re opportunistic. You’re not. You’re a sweet guy trying to get right with a nice girl. Unfortunately you have to lay low. If you pursue and she comes your way you’ll be managing her hurt feelings and may end up absorbing all the stress of their relationship, while one or both of them go free. She’s worth the wait and so are you. Remember there are two sides to every story. He’s out of line to badmouth his girl in public. No one deserves that. What she does need is time to sort out her self image. If she sticks with him although he’s negative she may now be conditioned to reward bad behavior and ignore good behavior. Be prepared for that.Do be aloof, no pressure, not stress. Chat up your own qualities, and success in past relationships in group conversations. Doing it one on one will be too obvious. This works because you get her thinking about how relationships ought to be, and you let her know you are desirable to other women (in a monogamous relationship). It’s one thing to be the cute guy at work, but she’ll need to know you’re the staying, stand up, kind of guy.Timing is everything. Remember this is a work situation so re read the HR manual on dating. If its OK to date co-workers you may have just one chance to ask her out. Any repeat invitations may be seen as harassment. Again, you want to give all this some time (3 weeks+) because if it goes awry work place dynamics could suffer. This usually negatively impacts the woman and it sounds like you really like her. Protect her.If some other dude steps up to the plate make your case known to her, but mention you want to give her time and no reply is necessary. Let him be the sponge.Last but not least, just be cool and don’t propose anything exclusive. When things do heat up it should be casual, exploratory, and very honest. Don’t trip if she regresses. Breakups take time to heal, she may slip between wanting him back, being angry for no reason, and being ready to move on. This is not irrational, just normal part of the process.Best wishes to you. Hang in there.
A
female
reader, watrbot +, writes (3 December 2005):
Okay let me ask you thiswould you want someone coming up to you and telling you this about your boyfriend? and if the answer is yes, tell her. If she was my friend, I would tell her
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A
female
reader, fairyangel  +, writes (3 December 2005):
 Yes, she has a right to know what her boyfriend is saying about her behind her back, YES... she probably doesnt realise what a nasty person she is involved with, and will thank you later.
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