A
male
age
51-59,
*t my wits end.
writes:My wife and I are from different religions. We have been married for 16 years and have three beautiful kids together aged 8,10 and 12. Initially things were great but the last eight years have been the most miserable of my life because she has been forcing me to do certain things in her religion to the point where I've lost my identity. I have only obliged because she throws tantrums if I don't. She now dictates how I dress, cut my hair, where I go and when I can visit my family. I break my back to keep her happy and buy her everything she wants. She always demands expensive gifts on her birthday and on our anniversaries. I decided a year ago to refuse her demands which resulted in a lot of fights to the point where we didn't speak to each other or make love. I have grown to the point of resenting her for bullying me.Six months ago I met an amazing woman who I fell in love with. Aside from the intense passion we share, she understands me because she also left an abusive marriage. In contrast she always spoils me and makes me feel like a man.A month ago, my wife found out I was seeing her. At first she agreed to not be so demanding and not force me but now she checks my cell phone and questions where I go. She has also started harrassing my new friend and cries and screams every morning and night.The only reason I haven't left her is because I don't want the children suffering emotionally and educationally.Do I leave her and ruin my children or do I suffer the abuse for their sake?
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male
reader, Odds  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Kids see this stuff happening, and it screws up their ability to understand and enjoy relationships throughout their lives. The harm done by one adult spouse abusing the other is nothing next to the harm done to kids who have to witness it.
For your kids' sakes, get away from this woman, take them somewhere safe, and begin pushing for whatever legal action is available in your country immediately. In legal matters, you can always compromise later; secure full custody and property now, and settle with her on your own terms when you have the superior bargaining position.
Don't immediately move in with the new woman (or any other), the kids need an adjustment period. And if you remarry, do not make the same mistakes - nip any bullying in the bud. Good luck.
A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (9 March 2011):
 Tell your wife you're leaving, because she's emotionally abusive and takes your love for granted. Then, sit your kids down and explain why you're leaving and reassure them it's not their fault, you love them all and will visit often.
Visit them every other day, if you can; maintaining good communication. If your children start to tell you that their mother is acting abusive to them as well, then offer that the children come to visit you more.
Be happy! Hope this works out for the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): How does staying in an abusive marriage help your children? Why do adults always think that leaving will damage them more then staying and having them being brought up in an abusive household?
You could try marriage counselling if your wife is willing. If she isn't then it's time to make a decision. Carry on being miserable or leave and arrange when to visit your children.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (9 March 2011):
 largentsgirl is exactly right about the effects on the children. I also want to mention that if you were a woman and your husband was the one victimizing you, we'd all be screaming at you to get the hell out of that marriage and away from the abuse. The same advice also completely applies to you. You should not think that because you're the man it's not really abuse and you should have to 'deal' with it. You know it's not helping the kids, especially your sons, to see their father figure belittled and overpowered by a domineering woman, so don't stay for the kids. Knowing that, put the kids out of your mind and think of yourself, because no one else seems to be. For all you know you only have one life; don't waste it feeling miserable and oppressed by this woman. Get out and start over. If you can, find a woman who will treat you as you ought to be treated and who can set an example for your children as to how real healthy marriages work. I wish you luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): Staying in an abusive relationship will hurt your children more! It is never good to just hang in there because of children.. they too then become abused emotionally. So let your children know you love them very much and that in no way is your leaving because of them and that they had nothing to do with your decesion to leave. They will adjust to your new situation after a short period of time.And will be much happier.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (9 March 2011):
 Is your relationship with your wife completely passed the point of where you want to try and make things work with her? Counseling can help, but it's extremely rare that counseling has a permanent effect on an abuser.
Don't stay and suffer for your children because your children are suffering too. Although they might not be directly in your wife's line of fire, growing up in a home where one spouse is abusive to the other can have severely damaging effects on children psycholocially.
Witnessing a parent being victimized is more psychologically damaging than injuries from direct child abuse. Seeing a parent abused is child abuse.
There are six types of emotional abuse;
1. Rejecting
2. Isolating
3. Ignoring
4. Corrupting
5. Exploiting
6. Terrorizing
Children who are witness to family violence, whether it's physical, mental or emotional, experience all six types of emotional abuse. Children also are more likely to drop out of school.
Children who grow up in a home where one spouse is abused is six times more likely to commit suicide. Your children will also grow up to believe that this behavior is acceptable and they should also have to tolerate it.
If for only one reason, you need to get help for the sake of your children.
If you want to know more visit these websites:
http://husbandabusefacts.com/
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/abuse_and_addiction/understanding_emotional_abuse.aspx
THey have useful information. Good luck to you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): Your wife is the very definition of a bully. The more you try to please her, the more power she exerts over you.
Your children, young as they are, will see all of this. They are not just little people who share the house, all that they see is taking its toll on them too.
You say you have "grown to the point where I resent her for bullying me" - I should think so too! Her behaviour is entirely unacceptable. She obviously doesn't care who gets hurt in the process, just so long as she gets what she wants, when she wants it, and how she wants it.
Can you speak to your own family about this? Were they supportive when you decided to marry your wife, or was their friction because of her being of a different religion? You may feel you cannot confide in your family, but believe me, they should be your first port of call.
Your wife clearly knows that her behaviour is unacceptable, just look at her reaction when she found out about you seeing someone else ... she agreed not to be so demanding, not to force you to do that which you don't want. Didn't take her very long to revert to her old ways, did it?
What makes you think leaving your wife would lead to the ruination of your children? How exactly would that happen?
You've tried to reason with her about her behaviour, to no avail. She knows exactly what she's doing and she's not prepared to stop.
I would have a discreet consultation with a lawyer; find out what the custody arrangements are in your country. Be completely candid with the lawyer - explain in detail the abuse you suffer. If you "stay and suffer for the kids" it will destroy you, and possibly your relationship with your children. After all, they will have been raised seeing their father being used as an emotional punch-bag.
I do hope you manage to resolve things for your own sake and that of your children.
I wish you a happy, healthy and peaceful life.
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