A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi.Well..I am in a strange situation and I'm not sure how to deal with it..I am in a long therm relationship but started to develop feelings for a married colleague and he has feelings for me for more than an year...we never talked about it and kept professional..But on Christmas my married colleague gave me a jewelery as a gift..and even told me he cares for me a lot more than he should..so the thing is I ignored his behavior so far, I was always nice to him, respected him and trying to be friendly but now I m not sure how to react about his gift. I didn't get a chance to talk to him yet...as I said I am developing feeling for him but I don't want to act on them and I am not sure about him, what he really wants since we never talked about this before and I didn't expect him to do this move. It s just awkward I don't know what to say to him...why did he give me this gift and also when he hugged me he kissed me on the neck- i was not sure if he did it on purpose or it was a mistake- we never even touched in one year????I don't know how to interpret his behavior???Am I over thinking here? I feel a bit guilty about this!help
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everybody,
Thank you so much for your comments. They really helped me to get back to reality and to see things clear again. I feel quite bad about all this and I do realize that maybe things have changed between us crossing the line.
I don't want to be a mistress, I don't want to cheat and I don't want to hurt anyone.
You are right that I did a mistake by accepting his gift of any kind and I guess this is the best time to discuss with him about our situation. I hate to do this talk to him but I'm sure it's better for everybody. If I just ignore this it will probably get only more uncomfortable and the tension will make things worse. I have to break the ice and just tell him how I feel about all this..
A
female
reader, Lieutenant +, writes (7 January 2014):
Give him back the jewellery and keep your distant. Be firm and tell him that kissing you on your neck (or any part of you for that matter) is strictly prohibited. You are fully aware of his being married, so any type of inappropriate relationship with this man cannot be explained away by ignorance of his marital status.STAY AWAY FROM HIM, he is married; don't be the fool that he traps in his webs of deceit.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (7 January 2014):
 I agree with the others - it's not okay to accept jewelry from a married man. Jewelry is one of the most intimate of gifts and he should give it to his wife. Also, look at how he's treating her, and don't listen to the worthless words of "oh it's a bad marriage, she won't have sex, is so mean, criticizes me, etc" because all of those words are designed to get a woman to feel sorry for his seemingly oppressed martyr state and get you to open your legs. Jewelry is heartbreaking because he is alienating affection from his wife in the worst way possible.
Look at how he is treating her. Now, imagine after he's said all of those bad things about her, you've started sleeping with him, and then his wife finds out. Guess what he'll say to her - "It was just sex. It doesn't mean anything. She's nothing to me. I don't care about her, I love you. She was just an escape. I just wanted a good time. Do you think I would choose a **insert demeaning mysoginistic name** over you? I just wanted a bit of strange on the side. I couldn't help it."
He'll do that to you as well if you so much as dare to make any sort of demands other than dirty secret sex on call. Married guys tend to get distant and moody when you start developing feelings for them and wanting more than a quick shaft in secret. You can't date. You can't introduce Married man to your family and friends. He won't include you in his circle of friends either because they know his wife. His kids will be the most devastated when things come out, and they WILL come out. Texts discovered. a lie uncovered, the whole thing.
You need to avoid him or you'll make the worst mistake of your life.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 January 2014):
 The "gift" was a sort of "prepayment" for the $ex that he is more than 1/2 way to getting from you....
You KNOW the "answer" to your "question"..... Give the jewelry back to him... and tell him that you'll accept it - and any of his (romantic) attentions - from him WHEN HE IS SINGLE.....
Why put yourself in a position to get your heart broken?
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 January 2014):
 I would give the jewelry back, it's NOT OK to accept gifts when you know they come with an ulterior motive.
What did your BF say to you receiving jewelry from a co-worker? Because you told him, right?
He is married, you are IN a relationship, this is a recipe for disaster.
If you have NO intentions of acting on it, then you need to tell HIM to back off and you yourself will distance yourself from this before it snowballs into something you don't want to be part off.
No kissing, not chats, no "lingering" look.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 January 2014):
 You shouldn't have accepted the gift. It is an invitation for more to come. He gave you the gift in order to recapture the magic moment of going back to when he was still single and pursuing a love interest. He couldn't do that to his wife because it requires the novelty that only a new date could bring. Not all affairs operate the same way, like going to the physical right away, and they have varying degrees and pace. If I were you I would give the jewelry back. You had already been having an emotional affair, slowly becoming physical and the only way to stop it is to discourage anything that is not work related. When he kissed you on the neck. It felt so right and it felt so wrong. If you know what I am saying.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (6 January 2014):
IF your gut feeling is that he has feelings for you, you’re probably right, especially as he has said he cares for you more than he should. HE might say this gift was just a friendly gesture but he must realise it looks very flirtatious.
The only thing you can do is really know your boundaries. Be polite to him, but make sure you do not respond to any flirting he does. IF he persists in behaving in this way, tell him you are not comfortable with it. Chances are if he doesn’t get any response from you he will not persist. This is a very awkward situation but if you get too close to him and start developing feelings for him too, you’ll only get hurt as he is not available. He needs to understand that your interest is in having a good working relationship with him, and, yes, in getting on together, but that’s it. See how things go in the new year but don’t be afraid to tell him you’re not comfortable if he crosses the line. Put it this way, if he’s doing something he wouldn’t tell his wife, it’s wrong.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Lady in Love  +, writes (6 January 2014):
 hello,you are not guilty, you are not over thinking, and you have the right to feel confused and he is the one to blame because his gift and feeling now expressed are not appropriate for a man with a wife waiting for him to get back home.you might be thinking that he cares for you, and that he might be having problems with his wife and maybe just maybe he will get divorce to be with youyou might just be right!but would you take a man who cheated on his wife? wouldn't that mean that he will cheat on you later on?take another possibility into consideration please, your friendly, lovely and available for him, and the kiss on the nick can never be by mistake honey, he wants you, he wants your body, only your body, so take careyou want my advise, take his gift, stay friendly do not be any thing than friendly, because at that point you will be giving him the message that you took his money in return to these extra friendly actionsi know how sweet it is to be loved or cared about especially from a man at work, a man you see every day, but believe me this man is trouble.be happy, keep smiling and some one else will care for you, some one worth you caring back for him
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A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (6 January 2014):
Well you are playing with fire here,you know he's married and does he have children?If you do cross the line you will be cheating well and truly on your partner and he on his wife.Don't do as many women have done and become a long time mistress waiting for him to leave his wife,they never do leave their wives.He's detected your vulnerability now and probably hoping you'll fall for him and you will give him sex as often as he wants then.
If I had a penny for every time I've read a letter like this I'd be a millionaire by now.Don't destroy two relationships because of this.You'll be the one worse off in the end.
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