A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:dear cupids, i need your time today to find an explanation rather than a solution because i think the solution is easier to be told than done.i am in a very serious relation ship with a guy who is working two jobs now to get the money for us to get married, we have a healthy sex life, my parents know him in a formal way, and his parents know and treat me as if i am their daughter, standing by my side several times against him.i feel total delight when i am with him and he is very romantic in a realistic way, i can depend on him for what ever i want and i am the first to be told about every thing bothering him in his life. i broke up from him 4 times in the year and a half we have been together because he cheated on me, he claims that he never slept with the other girls and it was just because he is a jerk who can not help but to know new girls.he simply chats with the new girl at work or some one he met at the bus station, takes their phone numbers texts some more, and when he is bored, which is usually a month after the texts, he tell them that he is in a serious relation ship with me, yet even after that the girls do not stop calling or sending texts.we are together again from two month now, and no cheating has been made.this time he did not promise to behave, he did not cry or flush me with gifts, he simply said that if i do take him back, his actions will apologize and promise and do the promise of not cheating againi need an explanation for his actions, an explanation to mine, i feel petty rather than love towards him right now, i still enjoy his company, still miss him, still eager to make sex with him, yet i feel like i am just waiting for him to cheat on me again which is very frustrating, yet and here is what i need explanation for: i am loving the whole story and i do not want to go.i know i am wrong i just need an explanation, a snap to wake me up from the "love the pain" situation i am in, maybe then i would do the obvious solution and just dump him and never go back.note: i am a B average university student with great friends and family, i am confident about my self, i know i am beautiful and several men in my life ask me out.in the last break up, which was a bout a month, i went out on two dates with a guy who has been showing interest in me since a long time, an old friend of mine, and he was nothing i needed or wanted for a boyfriend.i found my cheating boyfriend is what i need, i may not want the cheating part, but i need the romantic manly part. so i broke up with mr.xat that point i had no intentions of going back to my boyfriend and i wanted to take a break from all men, yet 1 week after that i went back to my boy friend after the "talk"thank you so much for your time, any comment is highly appreciated by me
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear wise owl, thank you for your answer and thak you even more for giving me the slap i requested to wake up. I have not broke up with him yet i needed to know your answers first.
Yet! Something i am proud happened today. He was giving me a ride home from my university , as usual, when i asked him if he payed the money i gave him to the bank, he said he did not and that he was busy, i responded that if i do not pay today an extra 20$ will be added to the payment, he did not comment with an angry face, so i suggested to go back to the university where i can pay through an ATM and aviod the 20$ , no comment done he turned back, at that piont we needed a 10 minute drive back to the university. I fualt gualt for making him go back so i said i'm sorry honey, he responded "shut up i don't want to hear your vioce" . Usually i would give him an excuse of being angry and shut my mouth, but i didn't this time, i gut out of the car saying don't wait for me , he called so i turned my phone off.
He followed me in asking if i would do that when i am his wife , i responded i will not ne your wife if you keep disrespecting me like this. He didn't respond back and till now he has not talken to me at all.
I think lesson is learned! I will keep you updated thank you so much again really!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): You don't need an excuse. You have solid reasons to leave.
Sorry I brought you to tears. After tears come strength and resolve. Empowerment to change what makes you unhappy.
He cheats and disrespects you. He may have taken your virginity; he doesn't own your soul. he has not made you unworthy of another man. I think that is your main concern.
Loss of your virginity. He feels he owns you now.
You are already in pain. You are in pain that is only going to lead to more pain, as long as you stay. The agony of leaving will eventually go away. You will be able to find someone else. There are men who don't care that you aren't a virgin. You'll just have to commit only to someone more open-minded and loving.
I am glad your mother is there to comfort and guide you.
So, when the weakness sets in; she will give you the push you need to help you. You now have the chance to become a stronger woman. That starts by protecting your own feelings, and not letting men destroy you emotionally.
Yes, breaking up with people is a difficult decision. It is meant to be as a last resort. Leaving someone you truly care about isn't supposed to be easy. They should care as much for you, as you do for them; if you continue to stay.
Now let's be logical.
You are in much pain for staying. No, you are not going to change him. That is a massive mistake too many women make.
Thinking their love can extract evil from men. Not unless he wants to change for you, of his own free will. You may inspire him; but you can't change him. Oh, you'll here the stories. Their anecdotes, but have very little truth behind them. Cheaters change after something horrible happens. Like getting the HIV virus or being dumped by someone wonderful like you. The change takes time, and it may not be in time for you to benefit.
The more damage he is allowed to do, the harder it will be for you to recover. Making you damaged goods. A wretched woman dragged over the coals by a man who cheats. You'll lose the ability to trust. Trust is the very glue that holds relationships together.
Meaning, you'll be left not much good to yourself; or suitable for a more deserving young man.
It takes time to get over the pain of breaking up. The pain of watching your man cheat and lie is equally as painful; if not more so.
You also have to consider your reputation in your community. People see what he does. Then they see him with you, and wonder how you allow such things to happen and remain with such a man. Then you will lose respect as a person. You are a nice young woman, and should be respected by everyone around you. Most of all, by the man you love.
You are smart, young, and very capable of finding someone else.
Let go before he does you more emotional harm; that will carry over as baggage that will endanger any new relationship(s) in the future.
Mother will be there, and will offer her arms to soothe your broken heart. There's no doubt about that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear responders, your answers brought tear into my eyes, especially you wiseowle , it hurts to feel unable to do anything to stop that situation, i feel so weak. my parents are there, and we are a loving family,my mom advised me at first to guide him into the right way, but he just don't want to go there, so she advised me to leave and meet some one new and i did, but it only made me hang to my boyfriend even more.i have another question please, i need to break up and for that i need an excuse right? he has always told me that if i ever told him that i am with him only because he took away my virginity then he will not take me as a wife. should i tell him that? or should i say i am not happy with you i need to go?i am soooo much weaker than to leave, i need him to leave me!i thank you so much for the time you invested to help me and i hope to get cured from his addiction as soon as possible
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reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (6 January 2014):
There is one simple reason why he keeps cheating on you, he gets away with it. You break up, he says sorry, you take him back again. Unfortunately this man knows the depth of your feelings for him and presumes that he’ll get away with it, correctly. He is cheating because he is flirting with other girls and being dishonest about being in a serious relationship. He is cheating because he does something he knows is outside the boundaries of what’s acceptable to you, and that hurts you.
People often ask whether or not to take some-one back who has done something wrong to them, and the answer is always the same: what has changed? If you walk back in to a relationship that was failing, it’s bound to fail again. If you talk about the problems, discuss how you will rebuild trust and how you will communicate differently, maybe it’s got a chance.
If you really love and want to be with him, tell him how much his past behaviour has hurt you. If you genuinely want him to stop, you have to be very clear with him that the chances have ran out and be prepared to say enough is enough this time if he does it again, and walk away. Sadly I think people like him will always take the risk if they think they can get away with it, if you want to protect yourself from all that hurt you have to resolve to walk away if he can’t change. Your choice really, is whether to give him one more chance or walk away now, because if you don’t either stay away or make sure it’s one more chance only, you’ll just have to live with his cheating because he obviously doesn’t think enough of you to stop.
I wish you all the very best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): You are very young and you have an addiction to your boyfriend like a drug. There is nothing he can do wrong.
You worship the dung pile he walks on.
You forgive him for cheating on you, and you just don't want to give him up; because you don't want to face the pain of being separated from him. Or see him turn to other women.
No you should not go back to him for many reasons.
He gives you lame excuses and reasons that insults your intelligence. You lap them up like a kitten over a saucer of milk. He has no reason to respect your feelings.
You are also emotionally dependent on him for his attention; and like to hear his crappy sweet-talk.
Someday you'll realize keeping a man who cheats on you is not having respect for yourself. He doesn't mind cheating; because he knows you will not leave him.
Having an open relationship for his sake, will lead only to one thing. He will find someone he likes better than you. Someone he will be willing to have the right kind of relationship with. A person he has more respect for than you.
You think you can live with him messing around on you?
That's because you are young; and need to sit and talk with your own mother. She may have never had a talk with you about what you should expect from a man. Yet his own parents stand up for you. Where are your parents? Do they condone such behavior from either of you?
That's sad; because it means you will repeat all your mother's or grandmother's mistakes. Your parents are usually the model relationship by which you form your own relationships. If they aren't very happy, and you see things your mother will allow; you may do it also.
Your grades and standing as a student, has nothing to do with acting foolishly. Sometimes the heart makes us act against our better judgment. However; going back to him when you know he's cheating, isn't just poor judgment. It isn't smart at all.
If you have so many choices as you say; why are you putting up with cheating? You think you don't mind sharing your man with other women? It all goes downhill from here, my dear.
Guess what? One will come along, and her mission will be to replace you.
If you put your own feelings aside for the sake of keeping someone bad for you; you are allowing a man to treat you no better than he'd treat a pet dog. He'll wipe his feet on you.
If you marry, you will be a sad and unhappy woman. Other women will invade your marriage, and destroy your life. They'll laugh at you for being such a fool. Your friends and family will be ashamed that you will allow someone to treat you in such a way. You will drag your family's name through the mud, by letting a man treat you badly.
Don't tell me how good he is to you. I don't believe a single word of it. Good men don't cheat. Cheating men have no respect for women. They'll be nice to your face and stab you in the back. They are only nice to you, to get away with what they do behind your back. They pretend they love you. It keeps you quiet, while he fools around on you. It's call narcissistic behavior.
Being a martyr for the love of another person is self-destructive behavior. You say telling you what you should do is easier said than done? So be it. Lets see how long before he finds someone else, and dumps you anyway.
You may not mind; but the other girl might decide she wants him all to herself. He'll never stop cheating; because he knows you don't mind. A little sweet-talk, and you'll come running back. One day, that one girl is going to come along.
That's when you'll feel the brunt of your foolishness. They'll kick you out of their way. Start a whole new relationship; while you foolishly threw your life away over a cheating man. Going back and forth wasting your youth until it's all used up.
I have a lot of experience; and I have witnessed what happens to poor young women like you.
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