A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I rarely go out. We visit alot with his family and we go out as a couple often. But we dont go out with other couples. He has has a job almost a year now, and we have gone out 2x with the owner of the company and with the owner and his son to shoot pool. I thought it wierd that he never had a "boys night" out but I certainly wasnt going to complain. This past Saturday, one of the guys at work was attending a birthday party at a local pub and invited us down. Free food, kareokee, pool, dancing, just some fun. We got there around 8pm, met the birthday twins, got introduced to another guy that worked with him and their girlfriends.As the night progresses, my husband has maybe had 4 beers that Ive noticed, I had nothing more than pop, but his friends from work are drunk out of their minds. Both the other girlfriends are pissed and leave as does one of the guys.So now its me, my husband and a very drunk co worker. This guy is a mean drunk, trying to pick fights with anyone he could and continuing to drink more and more. I mean, his girlfriend has already left and he couldnt care at all. My husband decides that it is now his duty to ensure that this co worker doesnt get into any trouble and we become babysitters. I should also add that I hate drunks, my father was an alcoholic and I have avoided it my entire life. I should also note that my husband has never really mentioned this guy to me except by name in a passing reference to work. So here we are, 1am, which Im not used to being out that late, babysitting a drunk, which I hate drunks, and my husband decides to take care of said drunk, even though they arnt really friends.Im pissed. At one point, around midnight, my husband advised me that we would be driving the drunk home, this didnt make me happy, I envisioned him puking in my car, sometime after that I said I wanted to leave, so my husband went to get the drunk to which I was informed that the drunk guy wanted to play a game of pool then we could leave. Okay, drunk co worker tries picking a fight with his opponent at the pool table. Then I see another game commence, and a third. My husband comes over to me, and Im really angry by now. I looked at him and said I wanted to go, he said whatever he said, and I looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Is he worth it to you to have me feel this way ?" Basicaly asking my husband if me being mad at him was worth it to him b/c of a drunk. We did leave about 5 minutes later without the drunk, but then my husband lays into me about how he was trying to be a good friend, and keep the co worker out of trouble, and why was I mad at him for it.So basicaly, my question is, did I have a right to be mad and behave the way I did ?
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female
reader, ScaredForLove +, writes (23 December 2011):
I think if your husband knows you hate drunks, and he's not even good friends with the guy then you do. I mean it would be different if you guys k ew each other for a long time always had couples nights out etc. but you hardly even recognized the name. And puking in your car is a good excuse, so I think you have a right.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Hahaha, bit of a divide between the Brits and the Americans on this one! Drinking codes are so different in both countries. I'm a Brit, so take what I say with a pinch of salt - it's different here, we're more relaxed about alcohol!I would be a bit begrudging too in your shoes - it sounds like a horrible evening for you. I agree with the others that your husband meant well, but I think his behaviour is actually a bit weak. The really smart course of action was not to stick around waiting for this guy to literally fall off his chair with drink. It was to persuade him to get into a cab and head home, paying the fare in advance. And when I say persuade, I mean that he should have exerted that moral authority that is irresistible. If the drunk refused, or picked a fight, then you and your husband were perfectly within his rights to leave. People have a duty to look after each other, but not in the face of abuse and unreasonable behaviour. Plus, it doesn't sound like the colleague was remotely incapable of taking care of himself. Someone who can play pool isn't that drunk that they need a Good Samaritan's help. Don't be too mad with your husband, but maybe develop a better strategy for dealing with this situation in future.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 December 2011):
 Yes and no.
I feel your pain, I have scarce patience for drunks, particularly mean and obnoxious drunks, and if I had been in your shoes , I would have been furious too.
But... your husband sounds like such a great guy. A kind , compassionate Good Samaritan that just wants to do the right thing for a person in need, regardless if the person in need is a moron or not, and deserves being helped or not. Just compassion- no judgements. Pretty admirable, I'd say, and this should help you come to terms with what happened. In the greater scheme of things, what's a boring , unpleasant evening vs. the knowledge you have married a good , reliable guy that would go out of his way to help YOU if you 'd need him.
Maybe you can agree with your husband that next time you'll go out, as soon as you see that things get too heated and too alcoholic for your tastes, you 'd give each other some secret signal and just leave with an excuse, leaving someone else to babysit the drunks if needs be.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (19 December 2011):
 You have the right to your feelings, even when they are unreasonable. How you act is another story.
Your husband has to work with this man, and leaving him to his own devices could cause a rift later. Not to mention the basic human decency of seeing to it that someone else doesn't get hurt when they're tanked. He was following the Golden Rule - if he were that drunk, he would want a friend to help him out, so he did the same for another person. The inconvenience to you was minimal aside from your feelings.
Now, again, you have a right to your feelings, but need to handle them like an adult. When you said, "Is he worth it to you to have me feel this way ?", it was a childish thing to do. You were essentially accusing your husband of either disregarding or intentionally hurting your feelings. You were treating him as being selfish when he was trying to be selfless, and you weren't supporting him the way you would want to be supported.
That's not the end of the world, though. No one reacts perfectly to everything, and it would be just as childish of him to expect you to react perfectly as it is to expect him to do so. If your intention is to just make up for things, grow stronger as a couple, and move on, it's an easy fix. Just go to him, explain your feelings (without blaming him, even a little bit or even just by implication - that would ruin the entire effort), and ask forgiveness for your part in things. Don't expect an apology from him right away: he may need time to consider your words, same as you did. In any event, figure out how you would want to handle a similar situation in the future, and plan for it.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (19 December 2011):
 Hi, OP,
I'm a non-imbiber like you. So like you I have little tolerance for people who poison themselves into semi consciousness for fun. That wasn't your question, but I wanted you to know where I was coming from before I answered your question.
Do you have a right to be mad? Sure all people have the right to own and be responsible for their own emotions. Did you have the right to behave the way you did? Not really, you don't have the right to hurt others, emotionally abusing and threatening your husband counts. But, there are certainly extenuating circumstances. You were tired, you had been out way past your regular hours. You were uncomfortable with the situation. You had real and justifiable fear for your safety. So your husband made some mistakes. You made some mistakes.
But now it is a new day, you are rested. Husband is sober. So what is there to be gained by continuing to be mad now? A good marriage is hard enough without letting bumps in the road like this side track you. Now is the time to forgive and move on. You might also get a better game plan for next time.
I don't want you to think I am just taking your husband's side in this. My advice to him would be different. He should have been smarter than to have left you feeling insecure, but that would take a whole different post.
FA
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A
female
reader, madlib +, writes (19 December 2011):
This is one of those situations where your husband was just trying to do the right thing, but unfortunately you were both were along for the annoying ride. I remember in college and in my early adult years being put in the situation of babysitter-it's not a fun position all the time, especially with a situation like this one. Your husband sounded like he responded to each of your requests and didn't outright ignore you he was just naive in thinking that the drunk would comply...that isn't something you should hold against him-as you said he wasn't friends with this guy or privy as to whether this guy would be open to leaving when you all did. I don't know how remote of an area you all were in and if there are cabs, but you did have a third option of leaving your husband to deal with it. It was his decision, not yours, but you were then placing him in the position of making him choose the safety and well being of this person who has no one to look out for him and you-not very fair of you. Instead, let him deal with it and leave-call a taxi and get some $ from him to pay, call a friend....you chose to stay. You were upset because you felt you didn't have a choice...but you actually did have a choice to leave at any time-you just chose not to and are trying to make your husband responsible for your lack of independence.
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A
female
reader, bluecow  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 hmmmm yes and no....
You called this bloke a mean drunk... is he a drunk or was he just drunk? There is a HUGE difference from someone who habitually gets drunk at every available opportunity to a person who rarely drinks but has got wan**red on this rare occasion. You know how devestation alcoholism is... is this man an alcoholic or was he just piddled at the birthday bash.
If its the latter I think you need to be more tolerant. Just because he got drunk and acted innapropriatly (not condoning his violence for one minute) does not make him a drunk.
Your husband has to work with this man... this means a significant amount of his waking hours are spent with him. Just like maintaining a relationship with you, he also has to maintain a good relationship with his co-workers. As a friend (yes even just in the workplace), your husband felt a responsibility to ensure he was home safely. He also has the pressure of socialising with his work peers to ensure he is an accepted member of the group. This includes staying out with them on a night out (whilst maintaining his own moral drinking codes).
I do think your husband was unreasonable expecting you (as designated driver) to offer this inebriated man a lift home. IF he was as pi**ed as your suggesting then you were right to be upset at the thought of vomit on the back seat. However he could have offered to call a cab for this bloke and making sure the cabby was paid upfront before sending him on his way.
The bloke and the pool... well he was drunk, and so social niceties tend to go out of the window. Alcohol can make you forget how inconsiderate your being (by playing game after game whilst people are waiting for you), and this is obviously how he was as he then went to pick a fight. Unless he picks fights when sober, its obviously the alcohol talking. Not an excuse, but your not his wife so this is not your concern.
I do understand why you would want to leave, however i do think it was unfair to be issuing guilt trip ultimatums. Your husband is fully aware of how you feel about drink, however you also need to be more understanding that he has to spend alot of his time with these guys. I dont understand why you didnt hand your hubby his wallet and tell him to get a cab home (and drop his colleague off on the way), then head home yourself.
Social events which involve alcohol (which in this culture a birthday party invariably will do) are perhaps not the best places for you and your husband to be socialising together. Issues like this will invariably crop up, and you both need to communicate your feelings without resorting to guilt laden ultimatums. Perhaps agreeing that you will attend for the beginning of the evening, but head home (you) as people get tipsy is a better soloution for you both.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): Support your Husband that it was an admirable thing to do. Understand that the guy is so drunk and irresponsible, he is putting his safety at risk.
Understand that Your Husband doesn't have your prejudice and may have really felt bad for this co worker.
Understand that Husband is compassionate and WOW, that is something. How do you not love your Husband for this amazing quality?
My Dad doesn't drink, doesn't go to such places. I don't either. Its a wisdom as well as health thing for us. Yet, it did not stop My Dad; one evening, from seeing a so out of it, drunken man that he knew needed help. The man fell on his face. My Dad, being the kick ass Man of Integrity that he is, decided to help the guy home. So he put the guy in his car. Asked him where he lived. Drove him home. Asked him for keys. Let the Guy In, after he fell on his face a few more times. Helped the guy to the couch. Took off his shoes. Left the keys on the table. Locked the guys door. My Dad was moved by compassion to help someone who could not help himself and regardless of the guys condition or not; did what he felt was right.
I admire my Dad so much for this. I find this trait a dying one in todays world.
I think its a choice to chose how we see the world and others in it as well as our place in it.
Granted, the Co Worker is an alcoholic to the point he has forfeited his common sense, his good judgement, his free agency to alcohol. And that he is a mean drunk. But why didn't you or Husband offer to take the Man home? Tell him he needs to sleep it off? Then put him in a cab at least?
This way it was a win/win situation for Husband, You AND the Co Worker?
Why did you HAVE TO WIN on that one? Because when you win, who loses?
Unfair to Husband.
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