A
female
age
30-35,
*abriela1993!
writes:I am pregnant, of the guy who i have been having sex with, we have only been going out for awhile, bt we rarely used condom, nn he knows, ii didnt use proteccion of any sort. Now the problem is, doo I have the baby or not? Bec the guy who I truly love, which is not the soon to be father of the baby, will not be with me, if i have it. So what should I doo?????/
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010): Dear Anonymous,
I respect your opinion, as it is yours, and as for your niece.. admirable, and yes of course people can change, but as someone who has worked for the last twenty years in the medical profession, and now my own consultancy, those that DO change like your niece, are really very much in the minority. Because you have experienced such a turn around, you will use this to form your long term opinion of how Gabriella MAY change - However, I'm using statistics that show otherwise, and my professional experience of working with young females like Gabriella.
Now if for example, shall we say 97% do NOT change, should we just hope that person B is going to change and RISK another child's life being ruined, or as I have done, consider the 97% FIRST to protect the unborn.
And yes, there are many couples who want to adopt, but nearly all children adopted want to trace their roots, and why they were given up, it is in the biological DNA, and my point again, was protecting the child from NOT having to know it was brought into the world by casual sex and then given up.
I won't post anymore on this young female, as I think she has taken enough time of ALL the A and U on DC. And as for my part, I'm not on here as a hobby, or for my spare time, I'm here to make a difference to those who are OPEN and want to CHANGE for the better, if they don't, then I have enough clients who DO want to do change and work hard at it. I'm on here at very limited times, only for a few minutes, so I want to give advice to those who really do want to help themselves, otherwise I would prefer move on, an not continue with someone who has no intentions of changing.
I thank you for your time to reply to my post, you sound a lovely person, and once again I'm delighted for your niece and her baby.
Jilly
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 September 2010):
 I,instead, am totally with Dear Jilly. Sadly Gabriela so far has not shown a lot of maturity, common sense and self respect, and does not sound like she would be capable of being responsible for another human being. This hopefully will change in time, but, as of now, she only has 7 or 8 months to bring this change about , therefore the change may happen, or may not , and I feel it's too dangerous making this kind of experiments using your baby as a guinea pig.
The only think I do not quite get in Dear Jilly's post is why she seems to be against adoption. I think it could be in the baby's best interest. This child is the product of casual sex, yes, and would be passed over to other people... but people who would love it and care for it more than its biological parents are able to do at the moment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010): Jilly- Although I agree with you that up until now Gabriela1993 has acted in an extremely irresponsible manner I disagree with you implying that it's not possible for her to change her behavior and be a responsible parent. I mentioned in an earlier post my 17 year old neice and her 6 month old daughter and I will continue to use her as an example. Before my neice found out she was pregnant, like Gabriela she too was trying to act way to grown in all the wrong ways. She was drinking, doing drugs, running away from home and engaging in unprotected sex. My sister tried to convince her that it was in the best interest of both her and her unborn child to have an abortion and my neice refused. Everyone thought because of her previous behavior that would not be able to care for a child and thus far has proven them all wrong. I am happy to say that she has a 3.75 GPA and at the end of the school year she will be graduating. The only time you see her without her daughter is when she is at school. I know not every teen mother has a supportive family that is willing to help them with a child and they don't all adjust to caring for a child as well as my neice has but it is possible. As for your comment reguarding adoption, there are plenty of couples that would love to take in a child who's parents are unable to care for him/her. I'm sure there are just as many children that are greatful that even though their biological parents were unable to care for them they loved them enough to find loving parents to raise them and give them the opportunities they themselves were unable to provide. Nobody is trying to coddle Gabriela all we are trying to do is offer advice and support to help her make a responsible decision without judging her too harshly. Isn't that what we were all seeking when we came across this site?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010): I have never heard such utter hog-wash in all my life. The majority of answers to this young woman's ' frequency of having sex with practical strangers, who just thinks it's ok to have sex as and when WITHOUT protection, is to TELL her, ONLY she can make the decision as to whether she WANTS this baby, and to look at the BIGGER PICTURE.
That is the problem, she does NOT look at the bigger picture, she cannot even SEE her way to the drug store to buy condoms.She is perfectly able to SEEK advice when she feels fit, yet ignores it ( DON'T have sex with boys for the sake of it) and depends on others ( Aunts and Uncles ) treating her with the softly, softly approach to permit her to continue with this utterly irresponsible behavior.
You are addressing this young woman as though she has just made a mistake with a long term boyfriend, where they share a close and loving relationship, where up until NOW she conducted herself in a way, that was heading towards maturity and responsibility - this is NOT this young woman. She is having sex with near on perfect strangers, and IF she is pregnant this child is in the most unfortunate position to have her as a possible mother.
NONE of you have LOOKED at this from the perspective of the un-born child, only this young woman - what kind of life would this bay have? - the Father will vanish as quickly as the SEX act itself was over. The Father ONLY has sex with her - she is NOT his girlfriend!!
As for her parents, they are obviously NOT paying any attention to bringing their daughter up with strong morals or responsibility, so no doubt they don't take very much of active part in her her up-bringing. For a young girl to be having SEX as much as she does without knowing these boys very much - As she's obviously NOT bringing them home to meet Mom and Dad, dating him, and building a relationship...what are they doing..not keeping check on a 16 year old girl. YES I'm a parent too!
To suggest this young woman is READY to be a mother, or could possibly be..only CONFIRMS that all of you need to LOOK AT THE BIGGER PICTURE - it would be horrendous for the child, and don't say, if the child is loved..oh please, you need MORE than just LOVE to provide adequately and responsibly for a child, you also need a Mother, parents ideally who can guide and offer a stable home environment to grow up in and become well balanced, responsible individuals in society, and this child would have none of that, and it's for this CHILD I fear most for, NOT your condemnation of my posting, I'm NOT on here to be popular, to make a difference yes. This unborn child needs protecting - as for adoption, how lovely for the child - produced by casual sex, then given up to someone else.
She should not be having this baby IF she is pregnant or any other child UNTIL she has learnt to look after herself, to be responsible and have SEX with boys in a long-term relationship. You have to be able to take care of yourself BEFORE you EVER have a baby. Look around the world at all the children in homes that can't cope, who are abused, because young women can't cope when reality dawns - THIS is the BIGGER PICTURE, REALITY....and I know, I've worked with people like this for twenty odd years now..
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010): Weither or not to have the baby is a decision only you can make because you are the one that will have to live with it. There are lots of things to consider when choosing what's best for not only yourself but the baby as well. Do you want the baby? If you choose to abort is that something that you feel you can live with for the rest of your life? Would you be able to carry a baby for nine months and then give it up for adoption knowing the rest of your life that you have a child out there that you will never know? If you would like to raise the baby yourself how would you support him/her? Can/will your family and friends help with child care and what not while you continue with school? Your actions leading up to this pregnancy were very irresponsible but there's nothing you can do about that now. The only thing you can do now is weigh all of your options and decide for yourself what is best for both you and your unborn child. Should you decide to keep the baby you need to realize that it will not be easy. Life as you know it will be over but it's not impossible. I have a seventeen year old neice who has a 6 month old daughter and not only is she a wonderful mother but with much support from family she has thus far been able to manage a 3.75 GPA and will be graduating at the end of the year so it can be done.
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (20 September 2010):
 Only you can decide whether or not to have the baby. Talk to your parents, talk to a women's clinic. And for the future, do not have sex without protection. A baby will change your entire life, and having sex for any reason isn't worth that risk. Not to mention STDs, which can be lethal if left untreated.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (20 September 2010):
 You can never be "just a little bit" pregnant.
This is urgent and not a matter for strangers to advise you on.
Go And Tell Your Parents Today.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): Sorry Agony Aunts, Uncles,
I have just got to post again - I have only realized a few minutes ago that this young woman ' Gabriela1993 ' had written to me personally a few days back, well about 7-10 days ago, explaining she was going to this boys house and was having sex with him ( presumably the one she says she liked) he didn't take her anywhere, hang out with her, ONLY took her to his home to have sex with her. I advised her to STOP having sex with this boy as he clearly was using her for sex. And that she should DATE a boy for sometime before having sex with him as she must get to know him first, and establish IF they have a relationship first. You don't have just sex with boys for the sake of it.
She replied, saying she understood, but thought she should have sex with him as she might lose him. You don't keep a guy or anyone by having sex with them.
Now after entering into TWO in-depth emails with her - she has NOW gone and SLEPT with another boy to have SEX with him, a practical stranger, within SEVEN days of me advising her against having SEX for the sake of it, until she is in a relationship.
And now she thinks she's pregnant because NOT only has she ignored the advice NOT to have SEX with just any boy, but she's also IGNORED taking any precautions to protect herself, or from becoming pregnant.
Now I know my answer - She should NOT have a child, she is NOT anywhere near mature enough or responsible enough. Sorry guys, but sometimes you have to be a bit tough to get through.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): This is for you and you ONLY to decide. This is your baby, your decision. What do YOU really want. Remember, this baby was not planned. Bringing a baby into a world with parents who cannot look after it and give it the love it needs is something no one deserves.
Jilly is right, if you haven't been responsible to use protection, then how will you be responsible in raising a child?
You need to have a couple days to yourself and think about this. This is very important. You need to look at the big picture here. How will you provide for this baby? What will the father play in this roll? What will happen to YOU if you have a child. There are so many responsibilities.
But remember, it's YOUR decision. Don't let anybody talk to into having an abortion if you don't actually want it.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (20 September 2010):
 I agree with Jilly and Birdynumsnums-why would you have unprotected sex?! You can't really ask us what to about this baby but you do need to visit a Planned Parenthood or a doctor and get not only a pregnancy checkup but a STD test. A guy can look healthy and handsome and still have HIV, HPV, and/or Herpes! How do you know you're the only girl he sleeps with? You're sixteen, you have SO much to offer the world! Take more care of yourself! If you don't choose to respect your body and your health, who will? Don't base ANY of your lif-changing decisions on a boy/man, EVER. Being in love doesn't mean you have to ruin yourself or your life for someone else. Someone who loves you will NEVER ask you to make a decision that will hurt you or pull that "if you love me, you'll do this" crap. You have your entire life ahead of you, remember that. The decisions you make now will forever affect you. I know it's not easy, but turn to your parents. They will help you no matter what.
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A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (20 September 2010):
 I really, really appreciate and agree to the comment of DEAR JILLY.. I just don't really understand, why too early to have responsibilities, why take the risk.. Please ladies.. be nice to our self, enjoy the life first before take a big responsibilities.. Life is not that easy at all.. believe us here... anyway i wish you really good luck...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): You are NOT even responsible enough to look after yourself,let alone a baby - Oh please, you are far, far, too YOUNG to be considering having and bringing up a child, which doesn't even sound as though you desperately want, you refer to the baby as an 'IT'.
You end up having un-protected SEX with a guy, just because the guy you say you're in love with doesn't want to date you. And then you ask, should you have this baby. You don't have sex with guys you are NOT in a serious relationship with, as this is NOT a situation to be bringing an INNOCENT child into the world.
You really have no excuse for NOT using condoms, as you are PERFECTLY well aware they EXIST, and NEED to be used to protect against pregnancy and STD's.
Too many people take the soft option, as most Agony Aunts and Uncles do, but I'm afraid there are certain times, when a soft approach is just NOT appropriate, and this is one of them.
If I were you, I would find out IF you really are pregnant, and IF so, how many weeks you are likely to be. Then discuss with a health professional your options, and I would also see a counsellor who specializes in ' Teenage pregnancies' It must be you to decide IF you want a termination or not, and the consequences of a future IF you have a baby. At 16, YOU are way too young for a baby, which has been proven, by your lack of responsibility in PROTECTING yourself against this.
You need to concentrate on furthering your education, making yourself independent financially by achieving good grades, date guys, and STOP having sex as though it's like brushing your teeth...You need to be in a relationship FIRST, you don't do it for the sake of it!
Jilly
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (20 September 2010):
Go and talk with your parents. This is not the sort of question to ask a bunch of anonymous strangers, it is far too important. Your parents know all the little details of your life and will be in the best position to help you now. Do this today!
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