A
female
age
41-50,
*isguided
writes:My boyfrend and I have been together for 6 months now. He is recently divorced. He left his wife because of several reasons but one of which was the lack of sex. He says our relationship is not based on sex, and yet he said if ever I start not wanting i all the time he'd leave. Is he worth staying with?My boyfriend wants to have three somes with other girls, not just once, but at least once a week. I can't stand the thought of another woman touching him, and it makes me feel inadequate in satisfying him to think he needs other women. I told him about it but he says it's something he needs. He told me he would hate to go find it somewhere else. What do I do now? I love him too much to lose him. Do I give in, desite how I feel about it? Or do I let him go?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, daveya  +, writes (13 October 2008):
nice, all female responses. You must acknowledge the difference between male and female physiology. Men are more more inclined to be physically and emotionally turned on my visual stimulus. On one side, I do not agree that he give you the ultimatum of threesome or bust, but I do understand his desire for it.
He seems controlling. He knows you care about him far more then he cares about you and he uses it. Just be careful.
Seems to me that the problem isn't the threesome, but more control. If you say absolutely not, then thats it. I do encourage you to not be too quick to turn it down and atleast give him the respect to discuss it.
A
female
reader, nicole5178 +, writes (13 October 2008):
 If he can't respect when you say 'no', then leave him. There are much better men out there who can appreciate you more than your current boyfriend.
x Nicole.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2008): do it once. see if you like it. be open minded.
my boyfriend, now husband suggested it and although i had reservations we went to a bar, picked somebody together and made a night of it. since he didnt know her, it wasnt like he enjoyed her company more than mine.
now we do it once and awhile to spice things up and charge ourselves.
it really is not as skanky as it sounds. =]
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2008): I agree so much with the below Aunts. He is so NOT worth it, dear. I am sorry for what you have to tolerate in this man. This is a harsh wake up call and I really think it's time for you to move on to someone who will treat you much better. You bf does not want the commitment of an exclusive relationship with you. He wants the convenience of having you as his gf, but he's not prepared to equalize and respect you or the relationship to remain true to just you, in the physical way. Listen to that message he's giving you.You likely went into this relationship with the intent that you and he would be together, exclusively. Does 'exclusivity' look like, what he wants? I'm sure you never expected him to more or less say "Hun, do you mind if I have sex with another woman, in the bed I share with you? You can watch if you like?" He has a problem, he is not committed to you. You can stay with this selfish man who expects you to sacrifice a huge part of what good about you and your love, for his own ends. Or you could decide that actually you don't want an uncommitted relationship with a man who has no concept of fidelity or committment.
When a man does this, it tells me he is self-involved and that is not true love in the real sense. It's love but it's self-love in the most arrogant, hurtful sense with you as the emotional casualty. That part recognizes love is about caring, respect, and admiration which flow back and forth. That part of you knows this man can never give you what you most deeply need. You state you 'love him too much to lose him'. You are acting like a co-dependant addict struggling with addiction. The prospect of loneliness and life without this jerk is weakening your resolve, but you've got to always, always remember the reason for walking away. The man does not love you. So seek some outside emotional support from friends and family. People who do care about you and love you. I have to also say, you really sound like a good woman who has a good head on her shoulders with some core values and ethical boundries. Judging by your letter..your thoughts, your instincts and feelings are telling you a 'clear message' about the demise of your relationship, if you ever did agree to this. Wouldn't it make more sense to make a complete break and find someone who'll love you the way you want to be loved? Someone who is worthy of your love and what you can build together? Someone who respects your feelings and is open and honest? Stick to your guns and tell him NO and take some time to seriously re-evaluate your relationship with this man. I wish you confidence in yourself and the strength not to put up with this crap. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Misguided +, writes (2 October 2008):
Misguided is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to thank you all for responding. You hav all been a lot of help. Tonight we are gonna have a nice long chat about my feelings and the whole concept of "respect"! If he can't handle it, then he's just another memory.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (2 October 2008):
 How the hell did you fall in love with someone so stupid?
I am 100% certain his ex is chuffed to bits she got rid of this waste of air space. And is laughing her head off at some other poor mug that ended up with him. She's hunky dorey, he's off her back! leaving her free and single to meet someone with substance, with a brain outside of his dick.
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, masquerade711 +, writes (2 October 2008):
 This guy sounds like a total sex fiend, and a jerk on top of that. If he honestly told you he would leave if you stopped wanting sex all the time, I would say no, he's not worth staying with. The fact that you even asked that question tells me that you already know the answer. My boyfriend and I love our sex, but if we had it all the time it would get old and VERY boring.
Ahh, threesomes. An age-old problem for women everywhere. I will say, it's a normal fantasy for a guy to have. It's even normal for him to ask if you would be ok with trying it. But once a week? That's ridiculous. And it is not something he NEEDS. It's something he wants and he knows exactly how to play on your emotions so that you feel guilty for saying no. If it's something you want to try, go for it. If not, say no. If he wants you to stay with him, he'll eventually smarten up.
I want you to realize: YOU ARE SPECIAL and you deserve someone so much better than this. This guy sounds like a pig, and quite honestly, someone needs to tell him where to go. It's appalling that he's treating you like this, and I would advise that you stand for it no longer. Since you love him, try talking to him first. Sit him down and say, "This is what's bothering me, this is why. If something's not done, you may lose me before I lose you. If you really love me, you'll take my concerns into consideration."
I hope this helps. Feel free to private message me if you'd like to talk.
masq
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A
female
reader, unknownlady +, writes (2 October 2008):
 if a three-some is something u are not happy with doing then dont do it, he carnt force u into anythin, or make you fell bad about nt doin it, just because he says he NEEDS it when clearly he doesnt.
It sounds to be he is really sex obsessed,and to say he would hate to go find it somewhere else, i think is tryin to get u to do it. which in my opinion is wrong.
i personal dnt think i would like to do a three-some for teh same reasons as u.
it seems he is only after sex, and i think u deserve better than that, u wont to be with someone who wants to be with you for ho you are, nt jut for the sex.
so i do say let him go
hope iv helped
good luck x
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