A
female
age
30-35,
*antana93
writes:Hello,I've been dealing with some issues lately and I've decided to turn to the internet for help.I've been dating this guy for nine months as of the 17th of January. Let's call him Ted (that's not his real name). Ted and I have known each other for four years, but didn't really hang out or interact one on one until March of 2011. We moved in together in August. I love Ted. Alot. But our relationship isn't ideal.We fight a lot. Many couples do, but our fights usually turn physical. The level of physical aggression can range from pinching or poking each other to more serious physical altercations such as punching, biting and spitting. Once, he pushed me against a wall by my throat. I'm definitely not innocent in this situation considering that I have been the one to instigate violence in the past, however I haven't struck him first in a couple months because I realized that though I may not be able to stop him from hurting me, I can stop myself from attacking him. Often times when our fights turn violent, he says that if I had just shut up, he wouldn't have hurt me. I always tell him that his anger is no excuse and he needs to seek help. I'm a very small girl (5'2" and less than 100lbs), and he's about 6' 170lbs so when he does get physical with me, I get really scared. The scary violence started in November.Aside from the physical stuff, his words and actions have taken a serious toll on my self-esteem. Ted feels that women should remain virgins until they get married, while men are not obligated to do so. I have slept with ten males including him, so you can see where the problem lies. I'm not sure how many women he's slept with, but I'm fairly sure his number is relatively close to mine. Anyways, up until recently (and occasionally, still), Ted made a habit of calling me a slut. The first time it happened, I broke up with him, but decided to take him back. Ever since then he has been making me feel like crap about my past. He also says hurtful things about my parents. He says that I don't come from a good family and that my parents didn't raise me right and if they had, I wouldn't have turned out to be such a slut. Upon asking him not to say awful things about me and my parents, he agreed, but continued to say hurtful things about "sluts in general" and would say "I'm not talking about you specifically" if I was hurt by his words and confronted him.Ted doesn't trust me and accuses me of cheating on him often. There was an incident at the beginning of November in which I left home for the night. I returned from work and asked him if it would be okay if we had a little get together at our apartment. Originally, the get together had been planned to be held at my best friend's house, but her husband was sick. Ted flat out said no and refused to compromise with me or listen to me at all. His friends were there and he embarrassed me in front of them. So I left. Ted started texting me after I had left and through a miscommunication, I was under the impression that he had broken up with me. I spent the night at a friends' dorm and she threw a party. A male acquaintance of mine was at the party. Ted called me around 11pm and said that he didn't break up with me, but I couldn't handle talking to him at the time, so I hung up. I didn't cheat on Ted that night, by the way. I never have. The day after this happened, I Facebook messaged the my acquaintance from the party and told him (jokingly) that I had fun, but I couldn't party with him and his friends anymore unless my boyfriend was out of town. A few weeks later, Ted found the messages.A couple days after he found out (around Thanksgiving), Ted cheated on me with my best friend, which he just told me about a week or two ago, during a fight, no less. He claims that she seduced him, but after talking to my friend about what happened, I'm not sure I believe him. My friend is (unfortunately) notoriously slutty when she's been drinking. She feels terrible about it. I believe that she does. This girl and I have been friends for five years. She doesn't really remember much from that night. Ted says that the reason he didn't say no to her is because he felt like if he couldn't trust me, why should I trust him. Which, in my book amounts to revenge. He acted very sorry for a few days, but then returned to his normal self quickly, which leads me to believe that he's not actually that sorry.I've pretty much decided to end things. My mom gave me money to get a new apartment, but I had to spend that money on the January rent for our current apartment so that we wouldn't get evicted. Ted's friend originally had agreed to pay our rent (and his friend had also literally picked me up and threw me out of my own apartment under this pretense a few weeks ago), but told Ted that he wouldn't pay the rent unless he kicked me out and Ted couldn't come up with the money on his own. By the way, I don't just expect Ted to pay my rent, we had made an agreement about it previous to all this.I get my next student aid disbursement in February. I don't know whether I should leave then, or stick it out until our lease is up (August). I know from what I've written Ted seems like an awful person, and I myself after reading it ask myself why I'm still here, but apart from all the bad (and yes, there is a lot of bad), Ted is one of the best (and worst) things that's ever happened to me. He's the only reason I've been able to stay away from drugs over the past few months. I have a history of MDMA addiction and he hates MDMA along with all other hard drugs. He has given me a place to live and an opportunity to go to school and move to a new city. I'm grateful towards him for all he's given me, but I'm incredibly unhappy and have been for a very long time. I feel that our entire relationship, especially moving in together so early was a huge mistake. I'm a little scared of what the future holds, mostly because I'm afraid that I'll relapse without him by my side.So, my question is, should I get out in February or stick it out until August?Thanks.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 January 2013):
 This is way too much for a vulnerable young woman to be facing.
And couples (happy ones) do not fight in the ways you describe.
Only a dysfunctional abusive relationship operates the way you describe your relationship as it is right now. If the Police arrive during one of your fights then it is highly likely that you will both be arrested.
He's no support as a boyfriend. And you are exceptionally vulnerable. This is just toooo much for anyone to handle.
You certainly do not want to succumb under pressure to illicit drugs either.
His friends are not supportive towards you. While your boyfriend is a nasty, abusive sleazy loser.
The situation is untenable and cannot be sustained much longer without you being seriously compromised and likely to find yourself in danger.
How soon can you walk out? Today, within 24 hours? Next week is too far away.
Once you are away from your abusive disrespectful bully of a boyfriend then consider some Anger Management counselling.
And get yourself into a community drug addiction program to face why you were drawn to drugs in the past. And to give you the resources to resist illicit drugs in the future.
Don't be in such a hurry to move in with a guy until your life is more stable and settled and until you know who you are and what you want.
The first time a guy speaks to you disrespectfully you walk away.
The first time a guy says something nasty, and then calls it a 'joke' then he's history.
The first time any person is physically abusive / intimidating then review the context in which the action occurred and then if it looks like domestic abuse you leave the relationship.
Contact your Mom. Getting evicted is the least of your worries. Your Mom had the right idea - by giving you money for a new appartment. You made a seriously bad decision by using it to pay rent on the appartment you are in now with your abuser.
Be truthful to you Mom, she will not be happy. Do not be rude to her, she cared enough to give you some funds.
If you don't have enough to rent an appartment then go to a Women's shelter. Once there you may learn a lot more about what constitute domestic violence. Because you need to ensure you never have to suffer an abusive relationship ever again. Domestic Abuse is not normal, it's criminal behavior and is very very wrong in every way.
A
female
reader, xAx  +, writes (19 January 2013):
 I totally agree with CMMP about him sleeping with you! MASSIVE hypocrite. You are definitely better off without him. Yes, it will be hard. Maybe you should get some professional help? As if you're addicted to drugs to escape away from life, you'll need some kind of support. Think about yourself and your future. Don't ruin your potential to do well in life. Please take care of yourself. Find the strength within you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 January 2013):
 Aside from the physical stuff ?? Stop right there. The rest of the story is terrible too, but never mind, there's no " apart from the physical stuff ". This is not a relation, this is a massacre, this is a train wreck waiting to happen, and you need to get out of it NOW.
Sure you are not blameless either, because obviously you have a dysfunctional pattern too of settling your differences through physical aggrssion, I don't apply double standards in this case. But,1) at least it seems you have some measure of self control which he is totally lacking 2) this particular relationship/partner brings out the worst in you and , with a different man, or even better, by yourself, you could keep your anger in check , while you go to anger management or counselling or what you need to reprogram yourself 3 ) you are the smaller one, you are half his size, you could get hurt BAD,real bad, you could not even be alive by August if things spin too out of control.
As for your drug addiction, yes, that's a problem, particularly because you couldn't find in yourself a reason to stay away from drugs and you needed an external reason ( Ted hates drugs ). But, if you feel you'll necessarily or probably would have a relapse , frankly, what's the big difference from relapsing in march or relapsing in september, it's always the same shit just 6 months later. With the difference, again, that you may not even alive to enjoy drugs, by then.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 January 2013):
 Please re-read this, which you wrote:
"We fight a lot. Many couples do, but our fights usually turn physical. The level of physical aggression can range from pinching or poking each other to more serious physical altercations such as punching, biting and spitting. Once, he pushed me against a wall by my throat."
It's NOT SO that "many couples do"... at least not NORMAL couples!!!!
You've described an outlandishly dysfunctional "relationship" which is noteworthy only because so many like your's result in serious injury, or death, to one of the participants....
I'd suggest that you and this guy part ways NOW - quickly - and that you never look back at this "relationship." It is toxic and is not how "many couples" interact...
Good luck..
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 January 2013):
Get out. For him to be violent so early in your relationship is disturbing as this often happens further down the line. It also tends to get progressively worse.
You are not a slut for doing what you've done and Ted is an effing hypocrite. If you are supposed to be a virgin why did he sleep with you? Don't listen to his bs.
Talk to your landlord and tell him you plan on leaving because your boyfriend is being abusive and you have no choice.
Regarding drugs... I'd recommend support groups, friends and family. When you're not doing homework you can be enjoying your life. People often take drugs when they're bored.
Good luck, I know you can do it, if you believe so yourself you're gonna be okay.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (18 January 2013):
 Man...what a story... I can write for hours but let me just sum it up :
1) Stop any contact with the slutty friend who slept with Ted. The reeason isnt only because she did what she did but also because she doesnt offer you PEACE of MIND. She has her own issues to fix first.
2)When u live with a man in the same apartment, u should expect him to have his finances together. So what u said about "I dont expect him to pay the rent" is WRONG. Do you want a grown man or someone who cant even pay the rent?
3) Stop feeling sorry for urself and realize that this is wrong. U said it yourself. U are unhappy. Yes, Ted might have given u a lot but now its time to move on. U shouldnt tolerate any man hiting you.
4) Leave now. MOve back with your moms. Find anger management courses to learn to control your anger.
5) remember u are still very young. U dont need drugs or an abusive boyfriend to be happy.
Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, dprvedgrl +, writes (18 January 2013):
 Your answer would be simple no thought put into it. Leave him, make a way to just go, one broken lease isn't the end of the world. It's just that you said you might have a relapse, that's the tricky part. OK let me explain... take it from me, no lie. Gosh can't believe I'm giving advise. I am 28 going to be 29 in April. I just got out of a 9 year off and on violent relationship. Now mind you these past years has been so bad like before..black eye, punches, mental abuse, verbal abuse...Yes girl, not TVs show woman's batter bad but baad. We never went a year without a big fight and I am not going to go on about me but you are throwing your life away on a loser.Losers are mean to their women forget cheating OK. No real relationship has biiiig fights. It's not normal. You're lucky you didn't waste your time like I did. I have one child she is seven by him and now I'm having another baby by him. I dumped him not even a week ago. It never gets better neeeeeeeeever once they get a taste of treating you really really bad it won't stop unless you do everything they say and how they say it. I mean like you have to put on a act and plot on how to keep it going, no it won't work and if your Stupid like me you will let a good man pass you by, then you will relapse. Right now I want this guy so bad he wanted me too but I got back with the loser and now I'm talking to the guy pregnant he says he doesn't want a relationship now, it is too soon but I think I lost this dudes interest. It kills me and I hate for it to happen to you. My mom warned me tried to help and I kept going back to him don't do it girl! Leave, you can find an apartment on your own, it may not be fancy but after one year your slate is clean as long as you don't break that lease, been there done it evictions are worse. Don't have to do it tomorrow but August is too far. I couldn't wait till April so what does that tell you?Don't relapse, stay working and stay busy, you will come across a great guy just gotta wait for it.
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