A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:DEAR CUPID I AM MARRIED FOR 15 YEARS MY WIFE HAD AN OPERATION ON HER BACK AND NOW SHE DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX SHE HAS LOST HER DRIVE BUT I AM STILL VERY RANDY. DO I SLEEP AROUND ON HER AND NOT SAY ANYTHING.SHE DOES NOT WANT ANY SEX ANYMORE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO.Please dont type in caps.. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): I hope your wife can love you enough to do what's right for you. I wish I was wise enough years ago to have asked my wife for a compromise.
I know for a fact that you love her very much, to have stayed with it for whatever amount of time knowing it can be maybe 2 years with no sex. In the Navy about half the married guys I served with cheated on their wifes at least once during a 6 month cruise. Quite a few of them went on the hunt for a hook-up in almost every port we pulled into. Guess they figured, once the vow is broken, might as well go with it. Now I am on the side of those men that believe marriage vows are a sacred thing. It most certainly is. We gave our word to forsake all others, in sickness and in health, etc. etc.
Actually, I am like you, just add 15 more years to it. My Wife has had 26 major operations. The hell of it is, I still love her very much, but just cannot be around her very long now without totally losing it.
She was with me for the last 15 years of my carreer in the Navy. I retired from the Navy in 2000.
Now before all you ladies get your gander up about the advise I'm fixing to give this man, look in your hearts. Would you have no problem with one of your sons being stuck in a sexless marriage? Like me the majarity of you were married in a church by an ordained minister. So some sort of Bible was involved. I spent many nights looking in different versions of the Bible to justify to myself why my decision to stay true to my Wife, who could not have sex for the last 15 YEARS was the correct choice. I was shocked to find my justification was NOT in there.
So here is my advice. Explaine to her that sex, for a man, is more than just a nice luxury benefit of being married to the one you love. It is an actual NEED a man has, in order to feel complete. In order to feel, well LIKE A MAN!!! I hope, for your sake and your sanity, that she can grasp how important this is to you. If she truly loves you, she will find a way to make sure her Husband can live with this situation.
If, on the other hand, she goes the route my Wife took with me, which is the route of the cold heart. Your choice is very clear to me. Get out, it is not safe or good for you if she goes that way. My Wife became so cold hearted, that absolutely nothing I wanted to do mattered any at all to her. It got so bad between us, that I could not even finish a sentence in her presence, without her spitting some kind of acid laced language my way.
How I was able to be successful in two carreers, earn a Masters Degree in Management, helping thousands to improve their own carreers, while this horrible situation was steadily getting worse, I do not know. Maybe I did well in my professional life, because my home life, in reality was too horrible to let my mind even think about it.
I always made excuses for her, even to myself, that her pain was making her do a lot of this to me. She has suffered a lot of pain, and is so bad now that she is lucky to see maybe 3 days in a month that she can make it anywhere other than a doctors office. About half the time she has to reschedule her doctor appointments, too sick to go anywhere.
Anyhoo, I realize this is a very long answer to slog through. I do need to tell you that it got so bad about 3 years ago, she called my bank and cancelled a check I had written to an auction company for the best deal of my life.
It set me off so bad I ended up in a nut house a few hundred miles from here in the Texas Panhandle. You see she didn't even care that I could have went to prison for up to five years over that cancelled check. The deal was so good that 5 local men from the auction were mad at me, I guess for out bidding what their families were bidding on or something.
I needed help getting all the stuff out of there. I made the mistake of calling my freezer hearted wife to tell her the good news. You can guess how that went. Gotta go
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): I am of the thought that you should just be open and honest with your wife about how you are feeling. She may surprise you and understand how you feel. What would be the best case scenario is that she understands and encourages you to go through with it. My guess is if you really love her at all that you would then feel so amazingly honored by her act of selflessness that you could never go through with it anyway because you both realize that you only want the best for each other. True love works in strange ways. Anger and bitterness can cause us all to do things we normally wouldn't do. Don't keep it bottled up. Talk to her about it. You never know what might happen. Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, reikin_havoc  +, writes (28 September 2008):
It is amazing the different people provide. Men say "Well of course - you have needs." Women say, "No way you little bastard, how can you think that way if you really love her." Well, let me put this in a different perspective. Even though women don't really believe it, men do have needs. Men will become angry, bitter, anxious, experience health problems and yes die earlier if they are denied sex. It is documented fact. I have never read a study that claims the same for women. As most women like to say to men, "figure it out." How many of you married women have ever cut your men off? Made them wait for weeks even months just because you can? Did you see them go through any of those stages? Did they yell more than normal? Be grumpy? etc? It is a very real problem for men. I did experience an extended period of being impotent due to an injury. Thankfully that has corrected itself and I am back to full operating health. My wife did experience some of the same issues that I would have if the roles were reversed. I not only allowed her to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere but actually encouraged it. I realized that if she were to fall for another guy during all that and was willing to run off on me that I should not be married in the first place. As this process progressed, I rejoiced in her meetings with her lover and as I healed we used him to help make things better for us. My wife loved me so much for this that our life improved during all that very stressful times. We learned to make it a benefit for both of us. Now we are having the best sex of our lives and I still let her see him as I can see how it benefits our marriage. We still love each other very much and our love is stronger than ever.
Women say to sit her down and explain everything to her. Right... how many times have you heard women railing on about men simply because they asked something of her? Men learn that if they want something the last thing they should do is talk it over with their wives. And women teach that attitude to men. Think about it.
Even with that said, no, you should not cheat on her. Discuss how this injury is affecting you and how bad it is for you. Ask her if she has any ideas how to deal with the situation. Put the ball in her court, she just might come up with the idea herself. Good luck to you as you both have been given a very raw deal. I know - been there done that.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (10 June 2008):
 I think you are justified in seeking sexual release elsewhere.
How you arrange this with your wife is the tricky question. You could do it without telling her, but she would know. You could tell her, but it might cause her great distress.
My theoretical mind says that letting a partner find sexual release elsewhere when you can't satisfy them yourself is also a part of love. But I'm not married and I'm not really qualified to say.
There are open marriages where the husband or wife gives the other partner leave to find other sexual partners if there is no way for them to be together for an extended period of time. One such posting appeared recently at this thread:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-do-you-men-all-have-to-bow.html
Yours is perhaps a more delicate situation, but if your wife realises that she has no sexual urge, she may be willing to do the same for you.
Sorry I can't help any more than that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): This will require PATIENCE!!! a lot of it! for beginning masage her feet! :) make her feel wanted, don't try to have sex but spend time with her helping her recover and feel normal. When it comes to it... give her masturbation and turn her on. Youll get there in two months. I know. patience.
DO not cheat!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): If you LOVE your wife,then you WILL stay faithful to her.
Sex is not that important.You must not have any idea on
how hard it is on her.She'd probably have sex with you if
she wasn't hurting.And if she's not,then there's other
ways to be intimate.Kissing,hugging,talking,etc.In most
relationships,SEX ISN'T the ONLY thing and should NOT be
the thing that keeps you together.It should be the
compatibility you have with eachother and the love in your
hearts for one another.!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (2 June 2008):
 If everyone keep their wedding vows ,
then this world will not see any divorce..LOL!
I hope those who propagate this will keep their wedding vows till their last breath.
Let us hope you can walk the talk!
It is easy to judge others.
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx  +, writes (2 June 2008):
 Do you remember your wedding vows: in sickness and in health... Plus the meaning of loyalty.
Pain or illness, naturally reduces ones sex drive, and no doubt this will be for a limited period of time. Although 2 years must feel like a long time off at the moment.
Please don't add to her hurt, she is going through enough physical pain, without causing emotional pain too.
There must be medical ways round things, such as analgesia if she still gets pain. Or say Siberian Ginseng to increase libido.
Just try and discuss things.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): Yerr that's what I thought. SICKNESS and HEALTH. Till DEATH. Really should've got married shouldn't you.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (1 June 2008):
If you cannot enjoy your conjugal rights in a marriage,
you have a right to seek a divorce or remarry or you make some arrangement with her understandings.
The decision is solely yours to make.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe had surger 2 years ago this is my first time on this site so bare with me.i thank you all for all you advice.i hope that explains more
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (31 May 2008):
 This one's easy...Ask yourself if the boot was on the other foot and it was you with the back problem and couldn't have sex would you find it acceptable if she slept around to fulfill her needs? Bet you would have a problem with it!
Do to others as you would have done unto yourself my friend!
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (31 May 2008):
 SORRY TO TYPE IN CAPITAL LETTERS BUT MY KEY IS STUCK !!!!
NO DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, BE MORE UNDERSTANDING AND HELP HER THROUGH IT.
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A
female
reader, angelrockheart +, writes (31 May 2008):
I do not think you should have sex because your wife is ill. Her back should get better and then she will be back to normal - if you sleep around, there is always the chance that you will get caught , and that could ruin your relationship. Think long and hard about this, and the effects it could have on your wife- good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): What I think you should do is sit her down and have a LONG talk with her.If she dosent want to have sex for a certain amount of time then if you really love her then you will wait for her.If she dosent want to have sex for the rest of her life then thats something YOU TWO should talk about.Remember:Sex IS NOT everything! Love, Mrs.Stancil (P.S Good Luck)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): Please don't write in capital letters. Makes things difficult to read and sounds like your shouting.
If you sleep around on your wife behind her back she will feel rejected and hurt. She will never forgive you and will blame herself and feel inadequate.
Talk to her about what you can do. She may be able to provide sexual relief in another way. She may agree with you and allow you to have sex with someone else. She may leave you and tell you to find someone else.
She's recently had an operation, she may be still in pain, she might get better. I suggest you talk to her, so that you can make your choices with her full permission and consent. You can't know what she will do, unless you talk to her about how you feel. At least give her a chance to change your mind or find some suitable compromise.
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A
female
reader, Arcada +, writes (31 May 2008):
You need to give us more facts!
I mean if you had a highly sexual relationship before then you need to speak to her and tell her how you are feeling?
You have feelings, just like her!
If you dont feel you can express these feelings, then you are in the wrong relationship my friend!
message me anytime!
Shine on you crazy diamond!
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): First off, please don't ask in all caps. It doesn't look very appealing.
Secondly, would you like it if she did the same to you?
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A
female
reader, Queeny  +, writes (31 May 2008):
 Hi, if the problem is just temporary and is still undergoing medication and treatment, it is probably best to wait until she recovers. i don't know how long the doctors have said her condition might last, but if its just temporary, give her time to recover than engage in ur usual sex life.
on the other hand, if this is a terminal condition, i suggest you discuss with her quite openly on how the both of you can deal with the condition. if she agrees that you take up another wife for that purpose, let it be an agreement between the two of you. on the other hand even if you take up a mistress, she'll probably feel used as the purpose may not be love. if you sleep around, this will also threaten your marriage. but if you want to have sex with other women, then maybe you'd have to choose between your marriage and sex..
i can imagine wat you are going through indeed it is a big frustration. you got to be hopeful for her recovery and support her... and ask yourself, what is it you'd have wanted her to do if you were in her position. Putting each other in each others position may try to solve your problems when seeking for a solution.
All the best i can only pray that she recovers miraculously.
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (31 May 2008):
 Are you actually serious?
You actually want to sleep around on her? What kind of husband would you be honestly if you did that? Have you tried maybe finding ways to bring back her drive? Talk to her about it. I doubt having surgery on her back and how she is feeling is making her feel very much like a sex goddess. She may be in a great deal of pain when she does it and is put off.. So maybe a new position is what is needed. A real husband would work to help his wife rather than side skirt his resposibilities.
If that is out of the question and you are serious contemplating having affairs I would suggest you do yourself and her a favour and just let her go. She doesn't need that kind of hurt. I am not saying you dont love her and you probably dont want to leave her, but be realistic. People dont deserve to be treated like that.
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A
female
reader, unresolved +, writes (31 May 2008):
It must be a very difficult situation for you. Do you love your wife? I see you've been together 15 years but that doesn't automatically mean that you are still in love.
If you do love her then you should not be considering sleeping with other women to satisfy your needs. In fact, if you intend to stay with your wife, regardless of your emotions, you should be faithful. There is no point in marriage if we do not keep the promises we made.
Having said all that I see it must be very difficult to not have a complete relationship. I think you should talk to your wife, and see if you can get some counselling to deal with it. Sexual counselling can be very successful and it could also be that your wife's GP can help be changing medication. Meanwhile I would advise you to take matters in hand (so to speak) and buy yourself a magazine or two. I'm not trying to make light of your situation, I just think it would be better to do this than take another woman, especially if you value your relationship wiht your wife.
I hope you resolve your issues.
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