A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiI need some advise about a spanish guy I met overseas. I stayed at a hotel and I flirted with the waiter. There was alot of eye contact between us and we smiled at each other.I have since returned from my holiday and I decided to add him on facebook. I sent him a flirty message hoping he wouldn't mind me adding him on FB. He added me. He has messaged me back. He's liked my profile pictures. The problem is I saw a few pictures of him with a girl which looked like his girlfriend. In the pictures they look like a couple but his facebook doesn't state he is in a relationship. If he has a girlfriend I don't want to come between their relationship. How do I approach this subject? I don't expect anything to happen between us.Also I've found out he is 20 years old and I'm five years older than him. I didn't expect this! Thanks
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 March 2011):
 If you don't expect anything to happen why would you add him, send him flirty messages, and want to know if he's got a girlfriend?Just ask him "is that your girlfriend in the photo?".In either case, Im going to burst your bubble: holiday flings are holiday flings. They're not relationship material, and neither part should take anything said and done serious. The only reason guys and girls flirt while abroad is because they know they wont have to meet the person again later. Sure, there's exceptions.. but you don't even really know this guy, you didn't even establish any sort of relationship while on the vacation. All you did was smile and look at each other? What you have here is a random encounter with a perfect stranger that you probably think is hot and good looking. Why else would you add him? But realize that it's a waste of time if you try to invest anything in this guy. So enjoy the view, but move on to find real boyfriend material.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 March 2011):
 First things first: you certainly do expect "something" to happen between you two. If you didn't, then you wouldn't be posting here. If you saw the man as a simple friendly barman you met abroad, then you wouldn't be talking about coming between him and his girl. And it wouldn't matter if that girl were his girlfriend or not.
So you're sort of envisioning "something" with the man.
The five years age difference doesn't matter.
He may have someone, or not. You have to ask to be sure. Since this would be a long distance relationship, both parties would need to be very direct and honest.
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A
male
reader, shaundizzle  +, writes (13 March 2011):
You should jusg straight up ask him via a msg on facebook. There is nothing wrong with asking.Idk why you want to know if he lives out of your country and aren't interested because of age. I take it you want some online sexy time. If that is the case then tell him you areinterested in online flirting and want t know if he has a girlfriend to be sure you aren't intruding in another relationship.If he says no and u find out he lied, that's on him and you should not feel bad.Also u shouldn't be concerned with age as others have stated. When your adults all is fair in love and war. I for one am interested in older women, and probably always will be until I'm in my 30s or 40s
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (13 March 2011):
Hi there. Meeting a guy or at least making eye contact with a guy while overseas in another country, doesn't really mean the same thing as actually going out with him and getting to know him.
You must have actually got to talk to him enough to ask him his name, otherwise you wouldn't have that information to add him to your facebook.
If he has posted photos of himself with a girl, it could be a girlfriend or it could just be a female acquaintance without being an actual girlfriend. It's a question that you really can't ask him without it being too prying into his personal life.
As you have only briefly met at the bar where he works, it's not like you know him very well, you are not much more than strangers.
As he has added you to his Facebook page, you can at least talk if you want to, about your daily lives and you could tell him what you do for work and a little bit about your life. Don't get too probing with what you tell him. Keep it light and friendly only. Don't tell him about your sex life or what coloured underpants you are wearing. I'm exaggerating of course, but you get the point, I'm sure.
In other words, you don't go around telling complete strangers your life history. Don't get too personal with what you say about yourself. And don't ask him any personal questions either, it's impolite - that is, unless he happens to say something about his life, but otherwise, don't ask.
Even if anything happens between you and you start communicating on Facebook from time to time, it's difficult to keep a long distance relationship going for very long, when there is very little or no chance of ever really seeing each other again in future.
So many people meet online - or on holiday in a chance meeting like you - and then they go back to their normal lives in their separate countries or same country but different states, and they hope to retain the magic of that one night they met on holiday.
It's very challenging indeed, especially when you see all your friends going out in "real" relationships, where they actually SEE their boyfriends once or twice a week and go out and have fun, and you're there just sitting at your computer typing a message on Facebook for him to read, and hoping that he is going to be sitting at his computer at the same time, and that he can answer your message straight away. It's terribly frustrating, because you can't always count on them being online at the same time as you, so then you have to wait for a few days till they are.
Then when he actually does go online to answer your message, you will get frustrated and angry because of disappointment and you will say something that reflects that and before you know it, you will be fighting with him over it.
The other thing about communicating through Facebook, is that as a friendship develops, people abbreviate what they say in messages to save time, and it can sometimes cause their messages to be misinterprited. So more arguments, as things get taken out of context.
By all means, talk to him through Facebook if you really want to, but just see what he says in return and how long it is before he takes the time to answer you. Bearing in mind, that people aren't just sitting in front of their computers all day every day. They do have to work and live their lives as well. You need to do the same.
In speaking to him via Facebook, it would be wise to not read too much into whatever is said, as you are a long distance from each other. It's also possible that you may never see each other again in your lifetimes. Well, not unless either of you decides to go on holidays again to the other's home country.
Just approach the whole situation with an open mind, and treat the whole thing as being nothing more than a friendship. Don't try to force it into a boyfriend girlfriend thing.
Unless you do this, you will be missing chances for real happiness with nice decent young men in your own country, who might just live around the corner from you. That would be a whole lot more convenient. Remember, a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush.
The more emphasis you place on this Spanish guy, and whether it comes to anything, the more you are just placing your whole life "On Hold", and consequently missing out on a lot of fun and good times because of it.
If you do hope for something to happen with him, you might be lining yourself up for a lot of disappointment and loneliness in future. So you do need to think very carefully before you get too involved.
Remember also, that barmen are in a position where they have to be sociable with everyone they serve, after all they are providing a service to the general public. If he wasn't being friendly, he wouldn't be doing his job properly.
I'm sure that he smiles in a friendly manner with lots of young women, and you are probably one of many.
The worst case scenario, is that he might be married. Not all men wear wedding rings, and it's usually so they don't get their wedding ring caught when they are carrying boxes etc., so they don't lose their finger. Many serious injuries can be caused by wedding rings getting on the edge of a box or strapping tape.
I would also be wary by the fact he posted pictures of him with a lady. If he was free, you have to assume he would post only photos of himself without another person - except with maybe his pet dog or cat. By posting himself with someone (a girl), he is actually making a statement. I would take it as being that he isn't alone in his life.
Even though he didn't mention whether he was in a relationship or not, it does seem to point in that direction, don't you think? If it was me, I'd be very wary indeed.
There's a good chance that he sees you as a friend, but that's not what you feel, I know.
Once when I was about your age, I went on holidays with a friend of mine to a holiday island in another state in Australia, I saw this guy who worked on the island who I thought was attractive.
It was only looking and smiling - not speaking to him at all. Shortly after that holiday, when I got home to my home state, I rang him up at the resort there thinking I'd try my luck, and within about five minutes of talking, he told me that he was engaged to be married.
So, feeling a bit foolish, I just said to him - "All the best in the future" - and ended the call. So I then thought, that that was a silly thing for me to do, and swore to myself that I'd never do that again. I naturally, was a bit disappointed. But, that's life. Things don't always go the way we hope they will.
Be really careful and try not to get too involved with him, as you could probably end up getting your heart broken and you'll be very unhappy.
Take care and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, girlwhoneedshelp +, writes (13 March 2011):
 The age is nothing to do with it. I am 21 and my partner is 29 and it works. If you are just having flirty fun then do you really need to ask him if he is in a relationship? If something that is said between you breaches his possible relationship i.e something he says goes a bit far for someone who has a girlfriend then that's the time to ask him. Just ask in a certain way for e.g. "Are you sure your girlfriend doesn't mind you speaking to me?" Just slide it into the conversation instead of outright asking him with no starter point as he will just think it's all you've been thinking about.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): You had a holiday flirtation. Leave it in Spain. Remove him from your Facebook page. I can guarantee you that you won't be interfering in a relationship ... this guy will have a high turnover of girls who holiday in Spain. His life will be one long holiday fling, and he won't be worrying about you, so don't you worry about him.Get rid!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): If you don't want anything to happen then why do you care? How about just start being mature about the whole thing and approach the subject head on. Then again, if you don't expect anything to happen anyways, and it's just a harmless bit of banter with a guy you met on HOLIDAY, then just go with it, if he's got a girlfriend and doesn't tell you, then he's the dick. Not you.
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