A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel so angry with my ex boyfriend. We were together for 2 1/2 years and he dumped me by text. I never imagined for a minute he would do something so horrible, as it seemed out of character for him. In fact, at the time I didn't realise I was being dumped which just goes to show how texts can be misinterpreted. I had got the impression he was trying to tell me that things weren't working out as they were and he wanted to give things another shot but then I simply never heard from him again. Over a year later, I still feel in a complete mess to the point where I became physically ill over it. What I am finding hard is that this guy was, I thought, one of life's good guys yet does this to me, yet the boyfriend I had prior to him was a jerk whilst I was with him but at least had the decency to break up with me face to face, and it made getting over him so much easier. I always thought I was a good judge of character, but now I don't trust anyone or myself to make the right decisions in terms of choosing a partner.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): Hindsight will give you closure when you are ready to look back at the relationship with new, more objective lenses after you've finished greiving. Your ex didn't just wake up one morning and dump you after 2.5 years on a whim. As you begin to heal, it will be less painful to look back and remember the red flags leading up to this and the truth shall set you free but the denial will keep you stuck and untrusting. Give yourself plenty of time to heal.The breakup text was just the final act resulting from a lengthy accrual of his dissatisfaction or distancing. He may have fallen in love with another or any other significant cause but it didn't happen overnight.
A
female
reader, yomama65  +, writes (13 March 2011):
 well, first of all, my heart goes out to you, my dear. Your boyfriend robbed you of something we all usually need when relationships end: closure. By ending the relationship with a text, you are left with all those questions that deserve an answer, most importantly, why? Since you don't have the answers you seek, all you can do now is try to reflect on the relationship and try to figure out what went wrong. Your boyfriend obviously has some real issues and I hope that you eventually realize that he was not the right guy for you in the first place. Then you need to try to let him go and try to move forward knowing that you deserve a guy who will openly communicate his concerns. It can and will be different next time. Don't let this guy interfere with your happiness. In the future, be cautious, but keep your heart open. But most importantly, pay attention to red flags as they appear. My guess is that this guy gave you cause for concern well before the text.Best of luck to you!
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (13 March 2011):
Yeah, that's a pretty shitty way to break up with someone. I bet if you look back, though, there were red flags somewhere along the way as you got involved with this guy. It's not so much a matter of not trusting anyone, including yourself. It's a question of developing your screening process so that you don't allow this type person to get too close (if at all). Apparently, you've allowed two jerks in a row into your life. So, you have to sit back and ask yourself why you are doing that. There can be many answers to that question that may point you in the right direction. BTW, what this guy did says a lot more about him than it does about you. So, start focusing on figuring yourself out instead of wondering how an asshole can be such an asshole. He is who he is and all the wondering in the world on your part will not change that one iota. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Honest +, writes (13 March 2011):
 I can understand why you feel so hurt about this, especially after so long. I think the reason you are unable to move on is because you never got any closure. Or anything close. Perhaps you could get in contact with this guy and ask him to explain himself? He might say no, or you might not feel able to do so, but perhaps just in trying to sort things out you will feel at least that you tried and it will be easier to move on. If you can arrange a meeting or a conversation I think that would be great. It would take some courage, of course, but just in asking why he did what he did and him offering an explanation (however feeble) might help you to gain some closure and move on. Either way, you will get over it. This is just a particularly hard one because it was so out of character. It was incredibly selfish and weak, and often being able to hate someone makes them a little easier to get over. Just keep telling yourself how weak it really was and how insensitive and perhaps that will help. However it doesn't make you a bad judge of character. Everyone gets it wrong sometimes. And noone can blame you for after two and a half years, being shocked by his awful behaviour. He hadn't given you any reason to think he would do that, and he did. That's not your fault, and it does happen to everyone. The people you think you know the best have the power to shock you, and let you down the most. It's just such a shame when it happens. It doesn't mean that you will always get it wrong, listen to your instincts, because one mistake does not a bad judge make. Also, there are plenty of good guys out there who would be appalled to hear of someone being so badly treated. Don't lose faith. Don't be too hard on yourself, try and take it as one of life lessons, and move on. There are never any garauntees, but you can find happiness again. Take everything as slowly as you can and try and have some fun. You will get over this. Hope it looks up soon
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): This cowardly man has cause you to lose faith in your own judgement, and that's unforgivable. By not having the decency to speak to you face to face, he has denied you the possibility of mentally and emotionally putting an end to the relationship. It's a really low (but increasingly common, unfortunately) way to break up with someone.I think you need to allow yourself to get angry. You've turned this in on yourself, blaming yourself for not being "all knowing". No-one is all knowing. People have spent life times with a partner, only to discover they didn't really know them at all. You are not alone in this. There are many people out there who have experienced what you have.Whenever we embark on a relationship with someone it is a step into the unknown. We can never know how things will work out, but we can find ways to protect ourselves before committing totally ...1. Don't move in with someone until you have met their family and seen how he interacts with them.2. Meet his friends. Let him meet your friends. How does he behave towards his friends / your friends? How does he treat you in front of his friends / your friends?3. When you're together, is it all about sex, or do you share lots of interests, go out to lots of different places? 4. Does he treat you as you would like to be treated? Does he make you feel good about yourself?5. Is he employed, or is he on the dole, or in and out of jobs?6. Does he drink too much? Does he use drugs?Answer all of the above HONESTLY and then ask yourself, do I want to be with this person?You are a good person, worthy of love and respect. Don't let this man's cowardice make you think less of yourself.I wish you a happy, healthy and peaceful life.
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A
female
reader, shaky +, writes (13 March 2011):
I think the problem when someone you trust betrays you unexpectedly like that is the fact that you then begin to question yourself and your power to accurately judge people.I'm sorry that you've been struggling with this so long as it's clearly deeply affected you. You need to learn to put faith in yourself again, get up, get out. Surround yourself with friends and family as much as you can and throw yourself back into life once more. Although it's easier said than done, try not to question and second guess yourself. Tell yourself everyday that you're a strong and confident person until you begin to believe it, and try to put your feelings of betrayal behind you. Sadly, dwelling on this leaves you locked in the situation and prevents you mentally healing yourself.Move forward with a smile on your face and keep your head up, it really does get better.
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