A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey there! So, I'm 18 and I'm getting ready to head off to college soon. Like most kids (I guess some would consider me a "young adult"?) my age, I've been pondering the possibilities of what the future might bring. This includes relationships and sex. I'm not in a relationship right now, and I haven't been in a long time. I like to consider that a personal choice, but I can't say I have a lot of offers, haha. Anyway, at a young age I made the personal decision to start attending church. I've been a Catholic ever since. With that, I also made a decision to remain abstinent until I am married. I was talking to my friends who are sexually active about it, and I was met with a lot of criticism. Basically, they were telling me that the chances of me finding a guy that is going to want to be with me if I'm not putting out is slim to none. I honestly don't know what to think of what they told me. While I have told boyfriend's in the past that I am a virgin, I've never told them I was waiting until marriage so I've never had to deal with a guy's reaction to that, so I'm really not sure.And that brings me to why I've made this post. Do guy's my age automatically expect sex? Is it a deal breaker? I was hoping that anyone who has ever been in a situation like this, on either end, would be able to provide me with their thoughts on this. Thank you! :) Reply to this Question
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male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (31 May 2012):
 it should not be a deal breaker.
girls that put out are going to get the type of guys that go after girls that are easy. a guy that is after sex only ,and the girl does not give in to him . well the guy wont hang around long.
if a girl is easy, and a guy can get sex from her he will hang around until he is tired of her, and then he will be off to find more sex from a different girl.
being a virgin should be looked up too.
your friends that have given it away , cant get it back.
but you can give it when you choose. so be wise.
look for the right guy. weed through the jerks, and find a nice guy. there is nice guys out there. don't get discouraged. you have something that is to be admired by the right guy. that is self respect.
" you will pass by a lot of hamburger joints to find a steak house". the same will be true finding the right man in your life.
i wish you the best , and hope this helps.
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (31 May 2012):
You have some good responses here. Be sure to read the reply from "chigirl" - more than once. "maverick494" also submitted a well thought-out post.
I might be closest to matching your description of ". . . anyone who has ever been in a situation like this . . . " (though the other responses didn't really come out and say, either way). My wife and I were both 23 yrs old when we exchanged virginity (I gave her mine, and received hers in return) on our wedding night.
Obviously, the lack of premarital sex wasn't a deal-breaker for us. My wife was very determined to wait for marriage. I was a little less certain, but generally felt that sex should at least be saved for the person you definitely intended to marry. I loved her and respected her desires, and we were willing to work together to meet the goal of waiting for marriage. By the time we were engaged I was convinced that we would have plenty of sex AFTER marriage - and that has been true for almost 38 years (and still counting). In retrospect, I don't see any serious disadvantage to our waiting for marriage - and we may have avoided some serious problems that can result from NOT waiting.
Oh, and she didn't "put out" on our wedding night - she WANTED sex. With ME. Which contributed to the emotional intensity of our first time. Whenever you choose to give your virginity, if you think you are "putting out", or "getting it over with", or even "doing your wifely duty" . . . I'd suspect you will miss a significant part of the experience.
Neither my wife nor I are Roman Catholic, and we have some significant differences with the official Roman Catholic positions on sexuality. However I encourage you to continue studying and analyzing the Roman Catholic teachings - not just about sexuality, but their thoughts on world views, lifestyles, philosophy and theology. Too many people never confront these matters in a serious, systematic way - sometimes trying to find answers from a wide range of counselors, cults, financial schemes, and extremist groups. Don't be afraid to use your mind, and let it show - many guys (including myself) are very attracted to thoughtful, brainy girls whether we fully agree with their conclusions or not.
Many of my comments in the thread "Will I find someone who doesn't believe in sex before marriage?" at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/will-i-find-someone-who-doesnt-believe-in.html apply to your situation. When you get to college please develop an association with groups that support your wait-for-marriage position. I believe the Catholic campus ministry is called "Newman House"; non-denominational Christian groups on many campuses include "Campus Crusade", "Intervarsity", and "Veritas Forum". The Mormons (Latter Day Saints) are very opposed to premarital sex, but I don't know what their college ministry is called. You certainly don't need to give ALL of your extracurricular attention to one of these groups - in fact, I hope you have some contact with organizations advocating a wide range of positions, about many topics besides sexuality.
(My wife and I didn't meet until after we had both finished our undergrad degrees. She attended a conservative, private, liberal arts school; I went to a mid-sized, state-supported, very secular, university. When we compared our experiences it was surprising that there were actually many more politically and religiously conservative student organizations active on my campus than hers. Neither of us would be described as "joiners", or likely to get involved in ANY organization, but looking back I wish I had taken the opportunities to listen to some of those groups, across the whole spectrum of thought.)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2012): In these days and times i believe people automatically assume that sex comes with the relationship with the exception of a few, but its great that you have standards and you should stick to them. i'm 18 and also a virgin, and as soon as i get into a relationship i ask about there sex lives and tell them that i chose to stay abstinent until married. some chose to deal with it others do not.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (30 May 2012):
It really depends. Some people depict the college years as one big party and sex fest, but as I stayed a virgin until 22 (I'm 24 now) I know it doesn't have to be this way. It all depends on where you go to meet guys and how you go about it. Basically, if you're open to sex, there are few to none that wouldn't try to get it from you, especially if they're drunk. I
It also depends on their values. Many good guys will be happy to wait until a girl is ready for it. However, attach marriage to it and they may get cold feet, especially young guys, as it turns it into a big deal immediately. Potential soul mates may pass you up when they know this beforehand, because it makes it all so final. Guys at that age often simply don't know what they want until they experience it. So cross that bridge when you get there.
So, simply start dating a guy, ease into the relationship, let him know you're a virgin and aren't ready for sex yet (be honest about this part because otherwise you'll be what they call a "dick tease") and see how the relationship develops.
- If he wants sex, he'll drop you immediately.
- If he's one of those guys who thinks they can change any girl's mind (plenty of those out there too, unfortunately) he'll try to get it on with you. Dump him then because he's not a match and he'll keep trying until he gets what he wants or gets tired of you.
- If the guy respects your wishes so far, the relationship deepens and you really see yourself marrying this guy one day, THEN you can mention the abstinence till marriage part and see how he reacts. Since the relationship has gotten pretty serious by then, it's actually a realistic prospect instead of something distant and intangible. Even if it hasn't been something he had in mind before he dated you, he might go the extra mile now because he loves you. Or he might back off. In any case you'll have your answer.
You may wonder what's the effort worth if there's a big chance you're not going to hit "the jackpot" so to speak? Well, experience in having relationships is valuable, because you'll be able to seperate the turds from the real deal. Lots of religious gals marry the first guy that seems decent and end up regretting it. If you have some experience in the playing field you'll have a better idea what you're looking for. So go for it and have fun while honoring your own limits.
Of course you can also save yourself the trouble and try to find a guy at a church, as those are more likely to be like-minded. But I always think it's better to fish in a bigger pool.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (30 May 2012):
 In all my many years, I've never really "expected" sex, but anticipated the possibility. I'd just go with the flow. If it came to that, which it usually did, then fine. If not, then the relationship would deteriorate because, over my more than 45 active years, it was typical.
But my priority was not getting sex in most cases. Developing a good relationship and friendship was. I was never constrained by any objection to having sex, however, if it came to that. And I married three women with full intention to make it last forever. Well, for various reasons, things do not always go the way you wish.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (30 May 2012):
 The american culture in general sees sex very casually and part of why i left cause i felt ridiculed n left out. I hated no support and.more importantly hated my personality and physique. Ive changed both. That said forget the ppl who dont support u. In fact they r the ones who are idiots for partially judging. I was a virgin in ur age bracket as i dated a strict christian. Do i regret? Yes bc the rltshp didnt work out n i went five years without sex in my prime. My advice find a guy with ur.views on sex and in ur religion. There are ones out there who.hold ur same.view but governed by religion not personal choice like myself or u. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 May 2012):
 Well, honestly I would guess that MANY guys your age expect/want sex. But that doesn't mean you HAVE to have sex with anyone.
I would suggest that when YOU are ready to start dating ( And I don't mean having sex) that you look for guys with similar values such as your own, so many through your church?
There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong in having certain ideas about sex, marriage, religion and so forth. You will have a MUCH easier time finding a guy who thinks like you if you look around the people you share your faith with.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 May 2012):
 Young guys don't "expect" sex, they just want it. They also know that many women want to wait with sex. Sex is, however, seen as a given these days. It's a part of being in a relationship. But sex isn't for the man to enjoy, and for the girl to "put out". Your wording is a bit offensive really. Women who have sex aren't "putting out", they are doing it because they want to have sex as well. Sure, some do it for social pressure, but it's the same with boys. There are several young men who don't have sex as a personal choice, but because society tells them having sex is what makes them a man.
However, there are several young men who don't have more interest in having sex right away than you do. Just because the rest of the society "expects" something of both you and him, that doesn't mean you, or him, actually want it.
This means: when you meet a guy you like you need to talk to HIM about this, and hear HIS thoughts around it. You can't just assume that all men want sex, or that no man wants to wait, or that he needs to be of the same religious view as you in order for him to understand it. There are several young men who want to hold back on sex until they feel ready, and until they feel it is right, and with the right person. But in order to figure out what that particular person wants, you need to talk to him about it.
This, however, is a topic that should be brought up once you've gotten to know each other. It's not first date stuff. Before a man can decide if he wants to "wait" for you, he needs to get to know you. He also needs to get to know you before he himself can decide if he actually wants to have sex with you. Maybe he is the one who will ask YOU to wait with sex. If so, he isn't going to bring the topic up until he's gotten to know you quite well.
For some men and women, sex is a part of the relationship while you are also getting to know each other. For others, sex is a part of a relationship once you've known each other for a while. For others again, sex is a part of the relationship once the relationship has gotten serious (such as marriage). Different persons have different opinions about when the right time to have sex is in a relationship. And you need to get to know the guys individually before you will find out what each and every separate person wants.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2012): "Do guys my age automatically expect sex?"
Not all, but unfortunately most guys your age do automatically expect sex. There are a few exceptions, getting fewer with each generation, but good guys are still out there, just have to weed out a lot of losers first.
NEVER NEVER NEVER compromise your standards. Most guys will say anything to get a girl into bed, and 99% of what they say are lies. If you have any doubt (and you shouldn't), read a random day's worth of Dear Cupid archive postings to see first hand the usually disastrous consequences of irresponsible sex to soon with the wrong guy.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 May 2012):
 Yes, for most guys it would be a deal breaker. Not surprisingly. You are the one who decided to stay abstinent indefinitely , based on your moral , religious values, not them. It does not make much sense to " wait " maybe 5 years or 10 or more ( since you are sooo young now, who knows when you can get married ) in the name of somebody's else ideals, which we don't share.
But someone really , totally in love would wait as much as I want, you'll object. I guess so. A strong love can be very patient.
But , you asked in general, and in general, well,those who haven't made your same choice of abstinence will want to move on to someone who is also sexually , not just emotionally,available.
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A
female
reader, Aemita  +, writes (30 May 2012):
 Well to put it bluntly, all guys, no matter the age, are expecting sex! It's the harsh reality. And guys, especially if they are willing to get into a relationship, AUTOMATICALLY expect sex to come with the package.
I don't want you to live in a delusional world, but it's really hard to find a guy who will wait until marriage. It's not impossible, but it's hard. Sex means a lot to guys (whether they admit it or not), therefore the natural step for them when getting into a relationship with you, will be to have intimate relationships. And i am not talking just about the guys that are after a quick fix, they are not worth your time. But even the most sweetest of guys, who is willing to give you time and space, will do that.. but only for a certain amount of time. They will want the whole package eventually. Even the guy who seems perfect for you, will want to take that step, and not because of the sex per se, but because through sex, he'll be able to show his attachment to you, it's as close as he can get to you. But waiting until marriage could be a little tricky.
That is not to say, you now have to change your belief! NOT at all! If you are comfortable with waiting and searching for that one of a kind guy, that will understand where you're coming from, i'd say you're on the right track. Don't change anything about your belief or actions, based solely on the fact that a certain guy wants it now. Be patient, because you know what they say, good things come to those who wait! ^_^ SO sweetie, don't put so much pressure on yourself and just let things take their natural course. Concentrate on getting into college, on making a career and name for yourself, and the rest WILL follow!
Take care dear!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (30 May 2012):
 We should change the ethos from
'Guys expect sex'
to
'Girls expect NOT to have sex until they are completely ready'
It should be the norm not to expect sex until the girl says yes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2012): Not all guys expect sex.
But the fact is, most young girls set their sights on a short list of the most desired guys. THOSE guys expect sex more than any others because they have the most access to it.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (30 May 2012):
Guys any age expect sex. If you can find a guy at your church that is like-minded, then it's possible to find a guy that's okay with you waiting until marriage. Otherwise, I would have to agree that there are very few guys (even good guys) that are willing to wait until marriage to have sex with someone. I'm not saying there are none, but they are hard to come by. However, don't change what you believe or what you want to do just to please someone else.
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