A
female
age
41-50,
*utterfly120
writes:I have been with this guy for 3 years. He is really good about not staring at women, or at least when I am with him. But the other night when he came in from work he was flirting around with me and he said something about picking out some sexy underwear for me and so we looked through some pictures and we picked out some stuff for me to order. Later on that night he wanted to have sex with me so we did. 3 days later I was using his phone and seen at text message of him texting a friend of his and said that he he got lost the other day coming home from work. His friend said that he had done that also. And then my boyfriend said yeah, it sucked. I asked a hot girl for directions. That was all that was on there. What I am wondering about was the reason that he was so flirty and wanting to have sex with me is because he got turned on by the other girl? Am I overreacting here? I was cheated on by my ex-husband so I don't want to over analyze here but I don't want to feel stupid either.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 July 2012):
 You have a bigger issue than simply him noticing another girl.
If I read your follow-up correctly, your current boyfriend lied to you about keeping in contact with his ex, and he tried to hide it by putting a guy's name on the cell to throw you off.
Not only that, but he actually allowed her to have access to you and gave her a voice and a platform to emotionally assail you. How did she get your number to text you in the first place?
Bondgirl is right that there that any ex-partner, any girl who your boyfriend has ever had feelings for or has ever currently or in the past had feelings toward him, no matter how much ancient history it is, can absolutely NEVER be friends, not should ever be allowed to maintain communication in a relationship, unless she's the mother of his child, in which case the communication should be businesslike, contain no social or personal contact, and should be about coordinating the well-being of their child only.
The fact that you errored in saying you were okay with his keeping contact with an ex doesn't excuse him for lying to you. You came to your senses and requested no contact after she inserted herself between you and him, and he then broke your trust by lying to you more than once about her.
If you *really* don't want to feel stupid, break up with this guy. He lied more than once, kept contact with an ex, was disloyal in his conversations, and held an emotional affair behind your back. It's one thing to have her try and text and weasel herself back in, and it's even possible that she could have been nasty enough to try and contact you to get you out of the picture, but the only that that should have come from him is "Do not ever contact me or my girlfriend again. You no longer exist in my life. Knock it off right now." and that would have been the end of it.
You need to leave him. He is a liar, and you can't trust him. He went far enough to change her name on his phone to hide her from you, let her verbally and emotionally abuse you, considered her more than he did you, and he doesn't deserve you.
Don't waste time on this either. You should end it.
A
female
reader, butterfly120 +, writes (14 July 2012):
butterfly120 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the wonderful advice. I really appreciate it. I know he isn't texting now to her. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and I told him plain out that I was done with the whole situation and that I wouldn't put up with it and he couldn't either pick her or me and our baby. After all that kinda got mad about the whole situation and told her that he was done with all the drama. 3 months later his contract ran out for his phone and he never renewed it. I just got us phones this month and that has been a year ago, so maybe she has decided to move on. I asked him why he kept texting her and he said that he had a soft spot for single mothers. She was dating someone at the time, so I don't know if that was just an excuse on his part or not.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (14 July 2012):
 Current partners should never have to pay a penalty for the sins of a past partner. We should not punish our partners for things they didn't even or might never do.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (13 July 2012):
 You may not like what I have to say here, but you made the first mistake in saying you were "ok" with him texting his ex. Men and women cannot be friends, especially if they have already been in a relationship together. One person or the other always wants more, keeps pushing for more, and keeps hoping for more. The proper response for your boyfriend is "If you are in a serious relationship with me, there should be no need to text your ex". It is not too late to tell him that. On the other hand, I agree that I am not so sure how much you should trust him. If he cared about you and was done with her, he would be done with her instead of continuing to communicate with her.
You should not be talking to the ex via phone or text either. What are you hoping to accomplish from this? This sounds like teenage drama to me, not people in their 30's having a relationship. Ditch the texting, tell your boyfriend you don't like her texting/calling him, and you don't want her calling the house. She is like a meddling mother-in-law except she is the ex-girlfriend and she's after your man. Once again, men and women cannot be "just friends".
Frankly, all of this texting is unhealthy. Get the ex out of your lives and anytime she calls/texts you/your boyfriend, here is what you do :IGNORE THE MESSAGES. DO NOT TALK WITH HER. DO NOT TEXT HER. Right now, you are playing her game and giving her all of the power.
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A
female
reader, butterfly120 +, writes (13 July 2012):
butterfly120 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess the reason that I was over reacting is when we first got together his ex found out we were dating and she started texting him all the time. He told me about it, I told him I was cool with it. At first I was, then it got to be when he was staying at my house she would text him as early as 5:30am. One day she text and I got the phone and she was sending him text about wanting to get back together and was asking if I had a problem with them talking etc. She then went on to say how much she liked the sweatshirt that he had loaned her when they were dating and how she slept in all the time. Then she asked where was the pictures she has sent him and he told her that it was in his truck. She ask him don't you think she will get mad if found out? He said I am not hiding them. When he woke up I told him that I didn't want anyone coming between us and I would appreciate it if he would end all ties. He told me that he would and three months later he got a text and he said it was a buddy of his in Tn. I had a feeling that it wasn't so later on I looked on his phone and it was her number under a guys name. I also seen on our phone records that he had called her one time. Don't know how many times that she called him. I ask him if he had called her and he said no. She started texting me and was telling me that I was the one that broke them up (which is not true), she started saying some really mean things and even sent me at text that he had supposedly sent to her that said I love you the most. I don't really believe these things that she said but he broke my trust when he lied to me about it. I know they didn't have sex or anything, she lives several states away, but there is more than physical cheating. Finding text messages was the way that I caught my ex cheating on me. So, because of that I know I am more cautious than normal. I guess the reason that I saying I didn't want to feel stupid was because at the end before I left my ex he was fantasying about her when we had sex. Thanks for all the good responses. I appreciate it.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 July 2012):
 You are over-reacting…
Why would a man being turned on by someone else and wanting to come home and sex it up with his woman make you feel stupid?
I have learned that I don’t care where my partner gets his appetite as long as he eats at home works for me… yes he looks at other women but when push comes to shove, he sits on the couch and holds his arms open to invite ME in… NOT THEM…
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (13 July 2012):
Honestly, do you really care? He's making love to YOU, not anyone else. Besides, we all have fantasies about getting someone else into bed. I know my best friend fantasizes about Matthew McConaughey in her bed and she has a great and very sexy husband. We women tend to let these types of thoughts drive us crazy, but try not to. He came home and was flirting with YOU and wanting YOU.
Besides that, men notice hot women, and unless you're dead, you notice hot men too. It's just natural, so don't be so hard on him.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (13 July 2012):
First, to the answer provided to YouWish, the compariosn you made about advertizing is great.
To the person who asked the question, I do think you're over reacting. Let's assume you are very attractive. Do you think youare the only attractive person in the world? Does your man have eyes? Is it safe to assume that it's possible with he may see another attractive woman from time to time. His eyes see the woman, send message to brain, brain creates the thought and his morals stop him from acting inappropriately.
We are all capable of feeling attraction to more than one person. You were married before and at that time you probably didn't see yourself ever being with another man. The truth is, the man you're with now always existed. You just didn't know him. When we're happy in relationships wwe are not out looking for another partner.
I think the trick is to understand what is normal and not to have false expectations. Take care of what you have and you're less likely to have to worry about other things. The grass is greenest where you water it. In other words, all we can do is put our best efforts into a relationship and hope our partners value it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 July 2012):
Have you ever seen a commercial for a restaurant, and they showed food so mouth-watering and delicious that you had a physical response to it? A few years back, there was a Brita water commercial that actually made me so thirsty after I watched it, that a couple of times, I'd grab a bottled water out of the fridge and drink it. Even in the food industry, they call these images of food "food porn" because their aim is to induce a physiological response of actual hunger in their target audience.
Think of the "hot girl" as something random that made his mouth water for you. He's not going to cheat on you, and he wasn't preferring her instead. It was random visual stimulation, and it's actually a show of monogamy, loyalty, and love that it induced him to come to you. You're the one he wants and desires. Some random comment he made to a buddy of his about a hot girl means nothing. It's the same as when we mention the hot server or bartender to our girlfriends on ladies' night. We admire hotness, but want to come home to the hot arms of our own men!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): Dont worry chick, you're over analysing it. He's just a guy being a guy. It don't mean anything because I bet you still see men place which you think 'oh he's hot' or something similar.
He probably wanted sex because he was turnt on about the thought of you in all that sexy underwear you were just looking at.
Don't worry about the text he's still human and still will appreciate an atteactive women to his friends. All he did was ask her for directions.
As I said you're over analysing it :)
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A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (13 July 2012):
 I feel like you're overanalyzing here.Yes, he may have gotten turned on by another woman. Have you never noticed another man while you were in a relationship? Of course you nitce, it's silly not to. He is just looking at something nice like someone would look at a really nice car, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love the car that he is driving. That one is his, and that makes it infinitely more important :)In my opinion, if your boyfriend is turned on and wants to have sex with YOU, then that's all that matters at the end of the day.I understand that you're concerned because you have been ceated on in the past, and trust issues are no joke, but you should realize your boyfriend is not your ex husband. He is deserving of your trust until he proves otherwise.Relax, enjoy his little spurt of arousal, and realize that he wants to let it all out with YOU :)Hope this helped!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): your over analysing hun, he may well have been turned on by seeing a hot girl but at the end of the day it was you he came home to. and at least he looked with his eyes not with his hands :-)
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