A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so I am 19 and my boyfriend just 20 last week. We have been together since we were 16 and have been through so much together. Last year he, and his family, moved 1,200 miles away and we made the choice to break up. His parents, who claimed that they love me, refuse to let us see eachother, even though I have offered to pay for my entire trip. What can we do to prove to them that we aren't just another high school relationship and have a real future? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 July 2012):
 Neither of you are children… young adults is more like it but YouWish brings up a good point
Is he your boyfriend or did you break up?
How can parents refuse to let an adult child do something?
If they are refusing I’m sensing that there is more going on that what you are sharing with us…
If you are paying for your trip… go on your trip… stay in a hotel and let him come stay with you…
To prove to them that you are adults you behave as adults… and you give it time…
When you are 25 and he is 26 this will all be behind you.
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (13 July 2012):
As a parent myself . . . at your ages, your boyfriend's parents sound a little unreasonable. But don't tell that to them! They DO, however, have a right and obligation to set the rules for their house.
(Are you certain that the parents feel that way - and not your B/F using that as an excuse to break up?)
OK - assuming your description of the situation is accurate.
Do you have any idea WHY they don't want you two to visit?
Are they afraid you'll distract your B/F from studies or work obligations? (I admit that getting engaged was a factor in my poor performance on my first attempt at grad school.)
Are they afraid that a visit may lead to your living together with your B/F, or eloping (do people do that any more?) against their wishes?
Even though they may respect and admire you, do they see personality incompatibilities between you and your B/F? (When my son was in High School, I told him why I thought one of his girlfriends was not a good match for him unless one of them changed their personality. They did break up - and he agrees that subsequent events show I was on the right track.)
Are they the quintessential "hovering parents" who have planned out their son's life, and you just don't fit into the plans? (That's not a new phenomenon, but I don't know how to advise you about dealing with it.)
Do they think that a long-distance relationship like this is doomed from the start, and want to spare both you and your B/F the heartache of a breakup in the future? (This may be a very valid concern, especially for relationships at your age.)
Are they just uncomfortable with having you as a houseguest? (My wife and I did much of our dating while houseguests of each other's families. Though a little uncomfortable the first time or two, I think that was a significant factor in how quickly our relationship progressed to a marriage that's still going almost 38 years later.)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 July 2012):
 Hold on for a second.
I read your post twice, and it sounds like he's no longer your boyfriend, but is now your EX-boyfriend since you both made the decision to break up due to the fact that he's now 1600 miles away.
I'm going to respectfully disagree with the other aunts and tell you that you should probably not plan to see him. You both have broken up with each other. You miss each other, and emotions are running high. This is the part where really bad decisions can be made.
His parents are most likely thinking about his future. I'm not saying that they're wrong or right, and my opinion is that you both can do whatever you want since you're adults. But this is risky. Futures can be thrown away because of rash decisions. What if you get pregnant as a result of seeing him? What happens AFTER you get home from seeing him? The reason that you broke up in the first place still stands. He's far away, 20 years old, and you're 19, and there is no chance of the distance not being a factor.
You both made an extremely mature decision to end things, as long distance relationships are really close to impossible to maintain, and eventually someone gets really hurt. There are rare cases such as military deployment or a specific timeframe of absence.
I know you miss him, but it's time to let him go and move forward with your life, and let him do the same. You must keep your eyes on your future, and he must do the same. You have college, establishing a career, etc. He is 1600 miles away, halfway across the country. If it's meant to be in 4-5 years time, it'll happen.
When I was 17, I had to let the love of my life go, as he was a year ahead of me in high school, we had dated for 2 years, and we loved each other more than life itself. He got a scholarship to a college on the West Coast, and he planned on being there for 4 years. We made the decision to end our relationship, and the day he left and the next solid month, I cried my eyes out. We both did. But it was the right thing to do.
We never got back together, and that's okay. Emotionally, we both moved on, though we will always regard each other fondly. I'm now happily married for nearly 14 years and don't regret it for one second.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 July 2012):
 I don't understand how his parents can factually prevent you two from meeting up considering that he is 20 and that you will pay your own ticket fare. What can they do, prohibit you access to their town ?...
If you mean that they are not willing to host you under their roof,... tough luck. They don't have to. It would be nice if they wanted to go out of their way to favour their kid's long distance romance, .. but they don't, same as many parents in their situation. In fact, some parents feel uncomfortable hosting their kids' SOs even in much more established sitautions ( engaged and all ), for a variety of different reasons.
I would not waste time and effort to rope them in at your side - time will tell, and what will convince them will be facts, i.e. if in 3-4 years you two will still be together and in love REGARDLESS of obstacles, difficulties and distance. As for now... start scrimping and saving so you can afford a hotel room for the duration of your visit.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (13 July 2012):
 "Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”
Everyone who is in love or think they are in love say the same thing that you're saying and while you might have been through what you think is a lot, parents know what life really is and how "a lot" in teenage terms means hardly anything in the larger scheme of things in life.
That being said, I'm not trying to shrug your relationship off as something that's just another teenage romance. If you're really serious about each other and love each other and are committed then prove everyone wrong. You have nothing to lose.
Love knows no boundaries, not even the boundaries of time. Study hard, get a career, be responsible adults and then talk about a future with each other. When you have achieved all of this, no one can point a finger at you and you dont have to justify your love to anyone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): "What can we do to prove to them that we aren't just another high school relationship and have a real future?"
The two of you should complete your educations and establish your careers, become engaged, get married, and celebrate your fifth wedding anniversary. That'll show 'em.
Even if boyfriend is twenty, if he's still living under his parents roof and they're still supporting him, then they still have the final word and in this case it is an emphatic "NO" for at least one very good reason: They are far too young to become grandparents.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 July 2012):
 Well your BF is 20 so in a way they have no say. However, if he is living WITH them, they can make their opinion known. And they can deny you into their home.
What can you two do? Continue to build a future, prove them wrong?
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