A
female
age
41-50,
*oonespecial5612
writes:Tell me if I'm over reacting or if I took this the wrong way.My husband has a male friend who I think has really disrespected me. They were talking online with a bunch of people. My husband's friend said: "We should get you a webcam and have your wife on it. All the other guys will say 'Wow she is hot, I want to stick my thing in her butt.'" He kept repeating this about 2-3 times, then added, "And by 'thing' I mean penis." It wasn't just him and my husband talking. There were multiple people, including me, listening to this conversation being streamed live. Between 10-40 people perhaps, some of them I know, and including his friend's girlfriend.I was very embarrassed. My husband didn't really respond at all. Just said, "no," but not in a defensive way and laughed, but in a bland way.I felt humiliated and embarrassed and it hurt my feelings. When I told my husband about it he said he is a live streamer and I need to deal with it, that I'm over reacting, and it was a joke, and I'm only reacting this way because I'm old, so I don't think it's funny. I'm 32 and he's 26 and his friend is 31. It hurt my feelings worse to find out my husband not only did not care that my feelings were hurt but also that he defended his friend making jokes like that to a bunch of people about me. He got mad at me saying I'm over reacting and acting crazy. He stopped talking to me and went to sleep on the couch. I wasn't mad at my husband, but at his friend, who made me feel cheap and like some kind of whore with his joke. It hurts so much to discover my husband is now totally okay with people making jokes like that about me, and doesn't think my feelings are valid when I say I'm hurt. We've been married 6 years with a child and one on the way. He was not okay with things like that before, only since he met this friend, who he acts like does no wrong.... but everytime they are talking I hear his friend disrespecting women. What do you think? Am I over reacting???
View related questions:
cheap Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 October 2011):
 this is the coward's defence when they know they were wrong, but are not man enough to admit that they stillharbor Neanderthal Sexist out of date disrespectful attitudes.
The world has moved on since then.
The old 'defence' of 'you don't have a sense of humor' went out with Dinosaurs.
Tell him , 'I DO have a sense of humor. But thankfully I do not have your warped sexist out of date version of humor'
Tell him 'you are not funny any more while you think disrespecting your Lady is funny'
He really is behaving like a jerk. His first good move would be to Lose the jerk he calls his friend, or lose your respect.
The choice is his.
A
female
reader, noonespecial5612 +, writes (17 October 2011):
noonespecial5612 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe says I was not disrespected and it was only a joke and I have no sense of humor. He does not see how anyone would think poorly of me because of what was said, or how what was said could possibly hurt my feelings.
I feel like broken glass and I'm scared. I feel I can't trust him to care about me and he will put this friend first. I've come to realize he only cares about his friends feelings and not mine. He will defend his friends against me, but not me against his friend, especially this friend... but possibly others.
I don't want any more advice about this, but I just thought I would say thank you for the advice. I feel so broken I just don't know what to do right now. I feel like I lost the only person who ever thought I was beautiful, (which, the story of my past is very long, so please don't try to advise me on that.)
Thank you. :(
...............................
A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (16 October 2011):
 You are not overreacting at all. He has been very disrespectful to you. You should point out that his friend has a bad influence on him. You should ask your husband to stop talking to this friend all together, because of his bad manners and vulgarity towards women.
If you're husband gets angry with you because you are upset, this shows a clear lack of understanding and respect for you're feelings. You should act cold and distant towards him. You should sleep in a separate bed for a couple of nights if this occurs again, to show you're husband how angry you are.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 Your feelings are justified and you need to tell him how hurt you feel and that his party's over now. Enough of the "streamer" nonsense. Its gone too far and you refuse to accept this any longer.
...............................
A
female
reader, noonespecial5612 +, writes (15 October 2011):
noonespecial5612 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am very angry. Angry and hurt. I feel sick with my anger and my grief. It keeps playing over and over in my mind. From all these responses I see I was right. I was disrespected, and my husband disrespected me further by letting me know he thinks that joke is acceptable. I feel slapped in the face, stabbed in the back. I do not deserve to be disrespected like that by anyone, especially my husband.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 October 2011):
OK, thank you for that update, Point taken, And if you feel safe still then that is good. But your husband's behavior under the bad influence of this other guy is not acceptable.So please take care to ensure that things do not deteriorate further. I am glad that you are aware of the existence of the places, even if you will never need them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (15 October 2011):
Your husband probably thinks that he's lucky enough to be included in the "popular" group, and he thinks this is how the "cool" guys behave. He's basically like a school boy with a bunch of wannabes trying to be cool and laugh at sexual jokes. Even if one percent of him thinks its cheap, the other 99 percent is telling him,"come on, you cant be right! if x(his "friend") says its ok, then its ok."
Your husband needs to stand up for you and in the process for himself too. Not only is he disrespecting you, but he's also making a fool of himself ,because these very guys would be laughing at him for being such a weakling and a little puppy who runs after them.
He cant see it now because he's so caught up with his new-found friends, but he soon will. This illusion wont last very long. He's behaving like a silly school boy wanting to get some action, not like a married man who's going to be a father. Show him this post and the answers that you've received. Maybe that can drill some sense into his head
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 October 2011):
 I don't think you over reacted, in fact maybe you under reacted. But I think that you SHOULD be mad at your husband , not at his friend. His friend is a jerk, but he's single, he has no obligations to you , your husband does. I find , well , unbelievable that he may see as amusing the idea of guys sticking their penis into your butt , and laugh it over in front of a public. I am not saying he should have reacted like an Othello and vindicated your honour by engaging his friend in a sword duel, a simple " hey, that's my WIFE. Watch your mouth ,buster " would have been enough.
The problem, alas, is that you have married basically a kid. Not only in age ( was he only 20 when you got married ? ) but in mentality and maturity. He finds funny some things that some more sophisticated 15 y.o. boys would find gross.
I think now you only have two choices : either sitting down and reading him clearly the riot act, and explain him clearly what you are going to tolerate ,from him and from his friends, and what you are not. Don't be " hurt ", don't be sad, be mad. In fact, even better, be assertive. Say how it's gonna be from now on. Don't ask, STATE. This always work with schoolyard bullies ( and , all in all, that's exactly what your husband is).
Or, you accept that ,for the time being, you have 3 kids, not only two- boys will be boys, what can you do, - so let him say what he wants while you meekly wait for him to grow up, and in the menatime don't be so cut up about his verbal diarrhea.
...............................
A
female
reader, noonespecial5612 +, writes (15 October 2011):
noonespecial5612 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think I need a women's shelter, but thanks. I know about them and where two are in case I ever needed one, but I don't think that is what is needed now.My husband used to be so loving and respectful. Sometimes he is still that way but once he is with this friend everything changes. I don't say this lightly, but this other guy is like a devil, tempting my husband with his asshole ways. My husband never was that way before. I never thought a person could effect my husband like this, he always had such a strong sense of self....
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 October 2011):
I think you need some external professional counselling support to improve your confidence in you and allow you to go forward more confidently in the face of your husband's indifference.
Do not even tell your husband that you are doing this. Let him wonder where you developed your new found confidence to better stand up to his stupidity.
While he is being so base with you he does not need to know how you are taking steps to survive his indifference. But you do need to take steps to better support you.
Clearly your husband is not meeting his responsibilities to provide you with the emotional support you need.
Contact a confidential professional Counselling service and they will help you identify some strategies to help you go forward and deal firmly and effectively with your unkind husband.
If things get really bad is there a Woman's shelter that you could go to in an emergency if your husband continues to treat you so very badly? Check it out. You may never need it. But just knowing it exists and where it is may give you comfort that you do have other options if your husband's indifference deteriorates further (though he has already reached a very low ebb) You should not have to endure this nastiness. It is uncalled for. And disrespectful.
You definately do deserve a more loving, loyal and respectful man than your husband is being at the moment.
...............................
A
female
reader, noonespecial5612 +, writes (15 October 2011):
noonespecial5612 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt hurts so much. He was not like this until this guy came into his life. He never would have made comments like that about me, he never would have tolerated it. Now he's a "streamer...." like that makes it all okay.... I feel so alone right now in this life. He won't tell me what is funny about what was said. So if anyone gets the "joke" please let me know....
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 October 2011):
It would be such a great pity if his computer experienced a glitch (not)
I believe a cup of hot coffee can do terrible things to a keyboard.
See if you can distract your husband with a weekend away. No computer, no lap top. Phones turned off. Just you and him.
Sadly your husband is sounding immature. He needs to be told to grow a back bone and stand up for you not his creepy friend.
His creepy friend is a bad influence.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 October 2011):
 OMG. I'm really sorry. :(
You're not worthless.
He is.
...............................
A
female
reader, noonespecial5612 +, writes (15 October 2011):
noonespecial5612 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, also my husband and his wonderful friend are also plotting which hot young girl they can get into streaming to get a ton of views. After the "old" comment this evening, and after sitting up all night crying because I feel like a used, worthless, nothing... I now wonder who exactly he's comparing me to? Which of these young hot girls he has made friends with online recently? He ripped my heart out and I can't stand it.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 October 2011):
When I read your post, my blood started boiling, and I have the perfect way to explain it to your asshat husband, who added insult to injury by even uttering the words "you're old" to you.
This is what you tell him so that he'll actually get it through his stupid boorish brain:
What if you and he weren't in a chat room live streaming.
What if you two were in a bar with a bunch of his friends and their girlfriends, and one of his friends made a lewd comment about sticking his "thing" in your butt and followed it up with a lingering grope to your breast?
Would your husband laugh it off and then say that you were overreacting? No way! If he had half a brain and he didn't hate your guts, that guy would be on the floor with a black eye.
What your husband's friend did to you in the chat room live stream was EXACTLY a virtual grope with the lewd comment. He had to say it over and over and clarify to the dumb other people that "thing" meant "penis"??
You explain that to your husband, and tell him that if he can't stand up to one of his online friends virtual groping of you, and he has the nerve to say that you were overreacting because you were old, then your respect of his manhood is utterly zero.
That might splash cold water on his stupid face, and if it doesn't, then maybe he needs to seriously grow up.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 October 2011):
Caring Guy has covered every base. His advice is consistently perfect but this time he has excelled.
Please read the advice from Caring Guy and marvel that Caring Guy can offer such pertinent and wise advice.
Your husband should put you First in all situations. Not his smutty friend.
Could it be jealously on the part of the smutty friend that he has failed to marry such a nice girl as you?
Tell your husband to find a better class of friend than his smutty friend.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (15 October 2011):
I don't think you're overreacting to be fair. This friend does sound like a bit of a creep who likes to use women. And I think your husband is a bit of a moron for actually sitting there and thinking that his friend's reason for all this behaviour was that it was 'a joke'. I don't think that it was really. I think he was actually trying his luck.
The problem I have is your husband's reaction to your hurt feelings, more than anything. He stood there and said you're overreacting and that it was because you're so old. To be honest, that shows him up as someone who is uncaring, and who is very immature at dealing with problems. I'm 24 and I'd never treat my girlfriend this way (she's older than me).
I think you need to sit down again and explain that:
1 - His friend was making fun with you in front of hundreds of people, so now you look a fool.
2 - Because you look a fool, your husband also looks a fool for not standing up for you (which he does!)
3 - That you'll never be part of this other friend's life again and don't want the creep near you.
4 - That you are very worried that at a time when you are pregnant, your husband is showing little care for you and seems to have brought up your age in a bad way.
Your husband needs to act more like a man that some little schoolboy. And he needs to realise that this 'friend' was making fun of him, not just you.
...............................
|
