A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm very confused, and feel like my brain is not functioning properly, I make a decision know it's the right one, then change my mind. I really want your advice.Should I stay with my husband. I want to stay and be happy together, but don't know if that is possible.12 years ago my husband told me he didn't love, may be never had, and was thinking about leaving. I talked him in to going to marriage counseling. After several sad, and very hard months for me, he decided to stay. Our children were 14 and 11.He has never been a very demonstratively loving man to me, but he was a good father, and we had a pretty good life and I thought all long term relationships were more or less like this and I shouldn't expect too much. I adored him.12 years later....our wonderful son and partner came home from overseas and lived with us for 12 months and it was lovely to spend time with them. They then left for another state to work and study and my husband gave up playing his favorite sport. We went on a wonderful backpacking trip overseas. When we returned he became obsessed with playing games on the computer and was quite remote. I thought he may be depressed because he missed our son, and not playing a sport he loved. I tried to get him involved in lots of this, but he just pulled more and more away. He started needing to go away weekly for work, and became angry if I questioned anything.A few months later, I talked to him and he said he didn't love me anymore and wanted to leave me.Again counseling, who recommended we live as flat mates for a few weeks. During that time I did lots of wrong things and tried everything I could to get him to love me and realize what a good life we could have together.He swore on his life that there was no third person involved. During some discussions he said that he didn't find me attractive, had never given himself fully to me, felt he could with other women, and lots of really hurtful and devastating things to me. We both cried a lot. I stopped eating and sleeping....I was a mess.25 January he confessed he was having an affair. He said he would stop it.....turned out he just put it on hold, while he tried counseling. His love, Helen, rang me and told me he had had several affairs from people he had met online, and had had a serious 5 year affair with my best friend 12 years ago. ...hence the other episode. That woman and her husband were our best friends and we went camping with them, shared holidays, etc.He confirmed all this. Helen said he would never be happy with me, he was a pathological liar, and the thought of staying with me was something he could not stand. Because she had very incriminating evidence, such as porn photos of him (we had some of her as well on a stick), we had to keep (so he said) communications nice between us all. There were also issues about secret phones, hotels, working days spend with her etc. She continually emailed and texted and all the intimate things she said about them and their love and his thoughts of me really affected me badly.I still wanted to try and make it work. I believed that 30 years of marriage was worth trying to save.We went to counseling often. It was very hard as he really didn't love me and didn't want to stay and make any commitments.Eventually, after much talking, crying, soul searching etc, he decided to give it a 6 months trial. I think seeing how devastated I was by all his revelations and deceit, and hearing our counselor say he had been emotionally abusing me and he should look at the person he was, and think about who he wanted to be. Also realizing that we would not be friends if we split, and what family and friends would think make him rethink his pathway.It also emerged that he had also had an emotional affair with a good (married) friend from his work. We had often had arguments about my jealousy and bad feeling about their relationship, but she and her husband we again good friends of ours and he vehemently defended himself with regards to her. Anyway, 9 months, uncountable hours of crying, talking, counseling, arguing, suicidal thoughts, and eventually including moments of love and tenderness later, I am still not completely sure about decisions. Simon is trying his best to be loving, thoughtful and understanding. He says is really loves me, realizes now that I am the best companion he has ever had, and knows what a great life we could have together. He is very very sorry for all that horrible things he did, and how that behavior had affected me in all the years of our marriage. I realize now that I knew I was never good enough for him, and always tried to be a person he would love, so now have self image issues and concerns about my boundaries and strength. Although our counselor says I show an enormous amount of courage and strength to deal with this is the way I have.I think I will be the one to ruin our chances now as I have lots of time when I just can't take the pain and humiliation and sadness of a life spent not knowing the person I loved. Thoughts of the 5 years with my best friend, or all the nasty things he said to me.....etc, etc.I try to get passed them.....I realize they are in the past, and I have to plan for the future.What would really make me happiest is to know that Simon really loved me and if we could be really happy again, together. We have so many great things in our future to look forward to. Our children, families, trips overseas etc.But I am finding it impossible to feel joy about anything. Impossible not to cry so often. Impossible to not have doubts about if I'm doing the right thing. Impossible not for feel anger that life goes on as normal for him, but my world has been shattered and I can't seem to put it back together.Because he hasn't had to confront anyone else about this, I am always the bad guy bringing it up again and suffering from its impact. I think he's getting sick of that.Am I ever going to be able to feel happy. They stuff we are doing should bring happiness to anybody, why can't I feel it.Will I be able to be a healthy and whole and confident wife who trusts people again.Have I done the right thing.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, devastated2008  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 I read your post the first day before anyone answered. I couldn't respond then because it stirred up too many emotions in me.I think you should give yourself a big break from this... it sounds like you are emotionally and probably physically at the end of your endurance.Regardless of whether you decide you want divorce or marriage, I think you need to leave for now or make him go. Tell everyone that you have invested 30 years into a lie and that you are not willing to proceed any further until you are sure of the direction you want to take... and you don't want any pressure. You're exhausted, hurt, angry, humiliated,de-humanized and have nothing left to give right now.And don't discuss things any further with him or anyone who can't support your need for self-healing. Let him be scared shitless of the reality of what he's lost... when you get some distance and perspective the decisions won't be so difficult to make. How well he respects your boundaries is going to be a good indication of his true nature... Reality is that even if he is sincere now... you are not under any obligation to take that gamble and you owe him nothing. Right now you are the priority and it has to be that way or all the efforts to save the marriage will fail anyway.May God heal you and guide you always.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): leave this pice of shit for good. you deserve better and let him rot in his old age. you go out and live for a change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Sorry babes.. I read your story.. and there's not enough here to work with.... You won't find any self-respect, peace or happiness untill you leave him..... you give so much (it makes my heart hurt) and get so little in return.... You have so much love and kindness to give to the world... I'm am so sorry, that husband of yours gives so little in return.. I don't say this easily... but you won't be happy untill you leave him.. you'll be scared, frightened and everything will be new.. but for once, you'll be able to see how wonderfull you are.. how wonderfull we strangers on Dear Cupid, think you are, we can tell just in your short note to us.... Sorry babes, but you deserve diamonds and pearls, and this guy is giving you shit. I wish things were different, Please be brave and go and find some happiness for yourself..... and if you can't (life is difficult) then please demand more respect from the world, (and that piece of shit your married to) because we all think you are wonderfull
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): I can see your husband the same charator with the man I knew. He has exactly the same thinking with your husband. He cheated on his wife all his marriage life(more than 20 years) with the thinking is: If his wife does not know, she will not hurt. He is French businessman, so he went all over the world and he had mistresses in all Asian countries in many years. He spent a lot of time to steal the heart, love of Asian girls and finally he got caught. He felft so sorry his wife when he got caught. He begged her to forgive him. He said exactly the same words with your husband. I know he is not sorry her because what he did is wrong. He felf guilty because he got caught. He is coward and has no charactor the same with your husband. Why so many men the same thinking of cheating?I can not understand why man cheated and blamed on his wife. How many men likes your husband in this world?I know you spent more than haft of your life with him, you have past and children with him but all of these is over. Life still beautifull. Get out of your life from cheater and liar you can fell better. I could not understand why he cheated on nice woman like you. He is a loser and he is Idiot. You no need to be sad for that kind of man.Be strong and be Happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): I feel so sad to read your story. Please be strong and never ever look back your cheater and liar. He blamed you, he cheated on you, he lied to you and he treated you badly. I could not imagine how can you live in this kind of marriage.
You should leave him now and never look back. He does not respect you and does not love you, you stay for what? Please try to be happy, life is short. I rather to be alone than to be with a bad man like him.
He is sick person.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Dazed~Confused  +, writes (29 October 2009):
 I agree with what everyone else has said - leave your husband and don't look back. The only thing that I would add is that it seems to me that you are dealing with some serious depression. Forget counselling with your husband, and concentrate on getting some counselling for yourself. You need to rebuild your sense of self-worth. This is a lot for anyone to handle, and I imagine your whole perspective of the world has changed. Just remember you didn't do anything to deserve any of this and the one at fault here is him. He is the one lacking (in morals, respect, humanity), not you. Be strong. You don't need him. If he is worried about being hated by friends and family for his actions, then that is his problem and a consequence of acting the way he did. Don't let that be a reason for him to stay, b/c he's not staying for you. Any reason other than love for you is not a valid reason for staying and you are worth more than that. Hold your head high, and walk away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for those of you that have replied to my cry for advice. I really really appreciate hearing honest and well thought out opinions from people. My heart is beating quite fast reading them because I think it has supported thoughts that have been in my heart and head, but not supported by other around me at the moment. Thank you all so much for your time and effort
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (29 October 2009):
 I'm sorry to be this blunt, but I feel you have to let go of this. It's not healthy for any of you. This relationship seems pretty much one-sided: you give a lot, and he stays for who knows what reason, but not because he loves you.
I think you all would be much better if you could live the real life and let go of each other. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, SugarBear +, writes (29 October 2009):
 Yes you are doing the right thing. Get a divorce, leave him (take yourself away from him) Stop trying to please him and make him happy.Turn the table on him.. You need a break from life and yourself to just breathe. Tell him and yourself its over, he is to blame not you, you could not please him. He did love you he does care about you. But you need to tell yourself your ok, its not your fault he hurt you enough, your not going to take the abuse anymore or put up with any more bs and lies.. Tell him you agree its over and you want to move on... You cant blame yourself.. It is your turn to be happy. No contact with him at all for a long time like 3 months. Then you will feel better have your digity back and can move on with your life.. You were the rock you were the stable one so let him go be out on his own and make his own mistakes alone. Didnt you see all the signs? where were you, I check everything everyday, e-mails,calls,texts,bills. i know where my guy is every minute... Its not that I dont trust him, I dont trust other women I know how they can be. He should be begging you for your forgivness for wha he did to you as a human being. Why is this lady calling you and telling you all this just record it all and givr it to him or block her number shes harrassing you...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): I really, really feel for you. And I think you've made the wrong decision. I know a man who has been married for 34 years who recently got caught having an affair. He confided to me that he had been having affairs behind his wife's back for most of their marriage but this was the first time he'd been caught, (and the reason was that for the first time in his life he actually had genuine feelings for a woman so took risks he never had before in order to spend time with her). When I questioned how he could do this, make such a mockery of his marriage vows, and treat his wife with such disrespect, he said that she was a good wife and mother and that she had earned her right to her marriage and that he'd provided her with a good life and he'd earned his right to have some fun and experience real love, and that was that - what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. He also claims that he loves his wife, but had never been 'in love' with her. When I explained to him that to love someone you have to respect them, and if you respect someone you are unable to deceive them because your conscience wont let you, he just didn't get where I was coming from. His wife has given him six months of separation as a probation period. He promptly dumped the girlfriend in the hope that he will be allowed to go back home, because, (get this - I couldn't believe what I was hearing), he likes the comforts of home, his office was there, and moving out would be a nuisance, and he was concerned about what people would think. Must have really loved that girlfriend.....He still thinks that his mistake was getting caught, not having affairs all his married life. Personally I hope his wife never takes him back. She deserves better, and I believe that the only way for a woman to heal when they've been treated with such contempt is to get the self-serving, arrogant bastard out of their life. Once he's out, self-esteem and self-respect soon come walking back through the door. Take everything that you've earned while you've put up with this sociopathic egomaniac, spend some of his money on a bit of cosmetic surgery and some new clothes, then get out there and find yourself someone who knows what love is about. Good luck sister, I hope you get some happiness soon X :)
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (29 October 2009):
 Has your husband really decided suddenly that he loves you, or is that just the overwhelming guilt talking? And even though you really, really say you love him, can you ever forgive him which also means forgetting about it to some point because you cannot continue to bring it up no matter how much you are upset. You will never heal. I have suspicions about this so-called "love" he thinks he's finally found for you. It is going to take you a very long time to feel self worth and trust for him again. You should continue talking to your therapist because you have so much to deal with and you cannot do it alone. As for the future, time will tell. If he starts acting weird again, and it begins to feel like he's doing it again, please file for divorce and move on with your life. At some point, you have to eliminate the torture so you can find love again. I wish you the best.
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