A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:(moderators note: users own title)okay...so i'm still thinking about my breakup, and can't seem to get it out of my head, and i just neeed to know if i did the right thing...my boyfriend (now ex), started to not pay as much attention to me, in the biginning he was so attentive, it was a little...clingy i suppose. i didn't really mind though. but then one weekend when i went over his house to stay, and we went out with friends...he pretty much ignored me the entire night. he's usually quite affectionate, but half the night, i barely saw him and was stuck to hang out and chat with some of his friends, when he'd sit down, he wouldn't even sit near me and his friends would say to him 'dude, sit next to your girlfriend' and he kind of would ignore them but they said it obviously enough that he finally paid attention. this happened most of the night, even when we got back to his...i felt a little annoyed and upset but said nothing. as soon as it was time for bed, i pretty much walked in his room, he didn't really say anything but started with some sexual stuff (but not sex). we didn't say much then kinda just went to sleep.the next morning he was kissing me and what-not like he'll usually do in the morning, but then kinda just got up and walked out of the room not saying much. i was hanging out in his lounge room with his housemates and he was just going about his business, talking to his housemates but not really to me. i tried to get his attention and be affectionate and he'd kinda just brush me off and talk to his housemates. well we all went to the shops. he sat in the front with his housemate (who i've recently learnt is his ex girlfriend, but that's another issue i won't get in to) and i had to sit in the back with his other housemate, this annoyed me but only slightly. we went to the shops and went to the food court. when he walked places it's like he pretty much forgot i was there. i sat down with them, and by this point was rather upset cause i'd felt rather ignored the whole weekend. i got upset and his housemate was the one to point it out to him that i didn't look too happy. he took notice, and when we got back to his house asked me what was wrong. i said i just thought it'd be nice to spend some time alone with him cause we'd been hanging out with people the entire weekend (i don't really know any of his friends by the way, all this was only 2 weeks into the relationship) i just said i was missing him cause he wasn't really acknowledging that i was there, and then i started crying and said, i'm sorry i'm being stupid, cause i felt like i was being, but couldn't stop feeling upset or ignored. he dropped me to the train station, gave me a little hug but no kiss.i got on the train and usually that would be when he would text me...i heard nothing. so when i got home i went on msn. i sat there for 10mins and waited for him to talk to me cause usually as soon as i sign in he starts chatting. so then i started to talk to him, i was trying to keep the conversation going and he said, 'sorry i'm in a bad mood, i don't feel like being very responsive' i was worried and asked if it was cause of me. he said he didn't know what it was but i worry too much. anyway, usually when we talk on msn, he takes a maximum of 3 minutes to respond...it was taking him 20 or so minutes now. it was hard for me to sit there waiting for him to respond and knowing he didn't want to talk so said i was feeling sick and was going to go to bed early, but tried to keep it possitve and said 'hey, make sure you let me know how your job interview goes tomorrow :) i'm sure you'll do well', and all he said was 'okay night'. usually he would sign off with lots of 'xoxoxoxox' and all i got was a night...the next day i was a little worried, i heard nothing from him all day and usually he'll text me randomly, but nothing, not even about the job. so at about 6 that night i texted him and asked how the interview went, he said 'good trial friday' and that was it, and that took him 20 minutes to respond to usually he takes 5 minutes max to respond to me. i went on msn to talk to him. again i signed in, waited 15 minutes and he didn't start talking to me. so i started talking to him. again i tried to keep the conversation going but he would take 20 minutes to respond to some things, i got the impression he didn't really want to talk. then later he goes 'hmm, i don't like this' i was like 'what?' he said 'this seems awkward is something wrong?' i said 'no not really, just felt a little off today that's all' he said same, and that he'd been thinking about stuff he didn't think he should, i said are you going to be okay, he said he didn't know. i tried to keep it light, we were on msn so i said 'hey can i get a smaile :)', took him a while and he sent a smiley back, but then he was quiet again. he then said he was going to bed and signed off with just 'night' again, no xoxoxo.the next day is what really annoyed me. i had asked him if he wanted to go to the movies, he said no he had no money. then i joked 'my shout' cause it was actually me asking him for a proper date, cause we never really had proper ones, only one. he said no, no way. so that was okay, we settled for seeing each other the day after, but only made loose plans. i went on facebook the night that i had asked for to go to the movies with him...and his update said 'at the movies with awesome people!'...it made me so upset...but i didn't say anything. he hadn't contacted me this whole day either, which was strange for him. putting together how he'd been the previous 2 days and now the movie thing i decided i'd give him some space. the next day was meant to be when i was going over to his house. still mad about the movie thing, i thought, i'll just wait till he texts to see what time i'm coming over, so i know he wants to see me. plus when we had made the loose plans he was like 'oh i have something on that day, not sure what time or where, but yeah, you can come over'. so i thought, i'll wait till he texts...i heard nothing... but somehow he was able to manage updating his facebook 5 times that day, yet i heard nothing... then at 10:40 at night i get a text saying 'you're awfully quiet' i acted like there was nothing wrong and said, 'oh i just had a bit of study to do i've been really busy but it's good to hear from you :)' he said 'oh ok'. i asked if he was feeling any better cause he was a little sick a few days before. he said 'still am.' i said 'awww, that's no good' 30 minutes later he texts back 'i'll leave you to study then' i said 'okay :)' (i like to use smiley faces to make things seem like they're okay, haha). i didn't hear from him the next day, which again was strange for him. he didn't even text to say he had left to go home for the weekend. then the night after which was a saturday, i got a text from him, i think he was drunk, asking what the hell was wrong with me and why i wasn't talking to him. i said i wasn't not talking to him (i was the one who initiated conversation on the first two days and responded to his previous texts as if everything was fine)i said that i missed him, and was just giving him space cause i thought he might have been a bit stressed out with trying to find a job, going home for mothers day cause he doesn't like going home and cause of some other family stuff that was going on. he replied 'oh great more complications wouldn't be my life without them' i said i wasn't trying to be complicated, i was there for him, but he didn't seem to want to talk. he said why is everthing so hard (he'd say that whenever he'd talk about us. but to me nothing was hard and he was always over-reacting and was always worried.the texting did not end on a good note. i tried ringing to talk and he wouldn't pick up. he just would text. we agreed we should talk in person, i don't like discussing important things through text and msn cause things can be misinterpreted, but i think that's the only way he really can... anyway, 2 days, i heard nothing from him till the day we were meeting. he came to my house, but pretty much started walking for the door, i thought everything seemed okay, we were just chatting kinda normal and he didn't bring up anything that i thought he wanted to talk about, so kinda let it be. anyway, we walked to a bus stop, he gave me a hug, and got on the bus....not five minutes later he sent me a text dumping me. he said 'he didn't think we work but he wanted to be friends...i bawled my eyes out. he hadn't even tried to talk to me to fix any problems that he thought we had. to me, even though i thought he'd ignored me for a week, i was willing to work through stuff...and he didn't even try, he just bailed. this was my first boyfriend so i was devasted, he gave me 3 weeks and dumped me. did i do the right thing in giving him space and trying to keep things positive when he'd talk to me? i was trying to seem positive to him, but he seemed to be so negative. it's like his mood permeates. you feel how he feels, and it's hard to ignore. so did i do something wrong? my family and friends say he was being weird and i didn't do anything wrong but i don't know, and i find it so hard to get over this...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (4 June 2010):
 Nobody is the bad guy in this situation. You could have handled things better and so could he. At the end of the day you both weren't right for each other to begin with. It was 3 weeks out of an entire lifetime, try not to over-think and blow things out of proportion. You'll find someone else who is more compatible soon enough :)
Best of luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): thank you for answering my question. it's all just so confusing cause for 2 weeks he was way more in to me than i was him, he always wanted to see me, would text me as soon as i left saying i miss you already, and would try and find any time to see me. always wanted me to stay over. He kept saying how i was the only things that made him happy (he even cried to me about his family situation, he decided not to go to the army reserves cause he had me now), that he was so lucky to have me, that he didn't deserve someone like me, that i was gorgeous, that he would never hurt me, he even got really annoyed when i told him about this guy i was kind of involved with but wasn't dating, who ignored me all the time unless he was drunk. he got really angry and said 'how could anyone treat you like that'...and then a week later he was doing the exact same thing to me. he was the one so keen on me, so keen on having a relationship, i was kinda willing to stick it out a bit longer and see how it went...
essentially 2 weeks in no chance for anything, and whenever i'd see him, his friends would always be around and i didn't really know them so wasn't able to be completely comfortable and didn't get to show him how i really am, like when i'm around my friends, when i've been given time
that's what annoys me, i wasn't given the time. and it was just so confusing cause he would say how much he cared about me and how things seemed so right with me, and then seemingly in only a few days all this changes? with no discussion? it doesn't make sense and it makes me feel used. he rushed alot of stuff, like intimacy-wise (but not actual sex...cause i've never done that) and i don't ever do that stuff. and he'd say it hurt his pride that he couldn't get me to...you know. but i could please him sexually. but i thought he should try and understand, i told him i hadn't really done that stuff before and it would take time for me to be comfortable with him, to be able to completely relax when we did that stuff. i think 2 weeks, actually a week in was too early to be doing that stuff it added unneeded pressure, at least for him it would seem, but that's what he seemed to want to do, and i trusted him, so would do stuff...but to just be dumped no explanation makes me feel used...
it frustrates me cause i didn't think i did anything wrong but he'd make it seem like i was doing something wrong when he'd text me. but i wasn't imagining it, he was pushing me away, and i just didn't know what to do. he claimed he wanted to remain friends but i think any chance of that was thrown out the window when he decided to end it by text, it may just be me, but i think that is very disrespectful, and someone you even care the slightest about as a friend, shouldn't have to recieve a decision like that through text, especially when he'd only just seen me 5 minutes prior
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A
male
reader, anonymousboi +, writes (4 June 2010):
hey there very long story there It sounds like you two were just not on the same wave length. You wanted a guy who is caring, considerate , in love with you, puts effort in, priorities you and works on your relationship. but all he does ignore you and push you away . let me tell you one thing your ex is just bloody gutless why is he even in a relationship if his going to do that to you or anyone. i know how you feel , i knew something was up with my relationship the ex used to msg everyday really nice long ones , i call her or she called me and we talk for hours before we sleep , msn all day . then sadly one day when i had no credit left she ddint even call me or msg whatever for about 5 days form then i knew something was up yeah it was nasty . when i got credit i called her long story short she dumped me .I showered my ex with affection, attention, helped her through alot of tough times, and all it took was one night of me being really, really physically tired and just wanting to go to bed and she lost the feeling, and she didn't give it another chance she said " babe i dont care who is right or wrong i just dont love you no more ".so aren't im right ? happened to you me and alot of people , when u get ignored no affection theres something going on.i personalty dont think its your fault you were the one who tried to save your relationship , there some silly people out there they dont know what they want . well hope this helps well mailbox me if you think my advice is good or bad all the best and try to get over him .
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A
male
reader, anonymousboi +, writes (4 June 2010):
hey there very long story there It sounds like you two were just not on the same wave length. You wanted a guy who is caring, considerate , in love with you, puts effort in, priorities you and works on your relationship. but all he does ignore you and push you away . let me tell you one thing your ex is just bloody gutless why is he even in a relationship if his going to do that to you or anyone. i know how you feel , i knew something was up with my relationship the ex used to msg everyday really nice long ones , i call her or she called me and we talk for hours before we sleep , msn all day . then sadly one day when i had no credit left she ddint even call me or msg whatever for about 5 days form then i knew something was up yeah it was nasty . when i got credit i called her long story short she dumped me .I showered my ex with affection, attention, helped her through alot of tough times, and all it took was one night of me being really, really physically tired and just wanting to go to bed and she lost the feeling, and she didn't give it another chance she said " babe i dont care who is right or wrong i just dont love you no more ".so aren't im right ? happened to you me and alot of people , when u get ignored no affection theres something going on.i personalty dont think its your fault you were the one who tried to save your relationship , there some silly people out there they dont know what they want . well hope this helps well mailbox me if you think my advice is good or bad all the best and try to get over him .
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A
female
reader, SillyB  +, writes (4 June 2010):
 Its time you read "he's just not that into you". The book will save you alot of grief in the future. There is a way you should conduct yourself when dating men. Read it.
When it comes down to it, he was being a dick. He obviously had made up his mind up breaking up with you a while ago, but for whatever reason chose to mistreat you first. Breaking someones heart is a difficult thing to do.
What gets me in all of this is how you allowed yourself to be disrespected. There is NO NEED to be so passive. YOu sound like a very sweet, empathetic and kind person, but hun in life you will get trampled on by some people if you continue being so passive. The moment he ignored you you should have called him out on it. Speak up and get your wants across. Don't let other people have power over you like this.
I think you should take some counseling - just to help you boost your confidence. Become a girl who loves herself and does not allow men to disrespect her.
Big hug.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (4 June 2010):
 So he was your first boyfriend? I'm sorry it was not a good experience - hurtful, in fact.
You were together just three weeks, I believe you said? You were only in the very beginning stages of getting to know one another, and dating is essentially trying out a new acquaintance to see how compatible you are - unless of course, its strictly casual and you don't have any real interest in it eventually developing into more. In any case, even with infatuation (!) before you really get to know one another it can be a wait-and-see period to determine whether you do both actually WANT to become significant others.
No, you didn't do anything wrong. Only thing is, this young man was giving out lots of signals that he wasn't all that interested. I'm sorry; I know that's disappointing.
Yes, he did get in touch with you a couple times, but you were the one who was doing all the texting and phoning most of the time. When its like that, all you can do is to give a person their space, and wait to see if you hear from them after a week or so. If not, THEN pick up the phone and call. After all, its not unknown for people to be extremely busy; worried over job, family, whatever, or even been taken ill, and it might not be their first priority to let you know - though when you're close, it would be a little surprising if they didn't give a quick call to inform you.......
When his friends tried to get him to sit with you, and when he dropped you at the bus stop with a hug, but no kiss, he most likely hoped you'd get the message without him having to spell it out. Men, especially (but not only guys!)don't always know how to drop you, so they resort to indirect means.....
Best thing you can do for yourself - and YOU are the one who counts here - is to learn from what happened, and try not to dwell on it, once you've been sad for a while. Do the things you enjoy and make you happy.
In time you'll meet someone who really does want to be with you long-term and things will be very good.....
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