A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I never thought I'd be one to seek out help from strangers but my current situation is tearing me apart by the minute and it's only been about 4 days.I've been seeing someone (romantically) for about 4 months but we've been getting to know each other for almost a year now. We fell into this situation without planning it, it was so unexpected, but every part of me thought it was perfect. I honestly thought, and still whole heartedly think, that I found my soulmate.One of the reasons we hadn't got together right away was our age gap. We're 10 years apart. He's older than I am. He has a business and I'm still in college. However, this issue never seemed to arise when we'd spend time together. Time and time again he'd say how I'm more mature than friends his age. To be frank, most of the time I act more mature than him. It works though, because the little grandmother in me and the little child in him share the best experiences- both as lovers and best friends. He's even told me that every time we're together it gets better and better. And I feel the same.He told me in the beginning that he could not believe how quickly he was falling for me. And I felt the exact same way. Our connection was and is something I still can't describe. We have all the same ideologies, the same weird habits and views on life-- similarities that we never even bothered noticing about ourselves but ones that were brought to light when we were together. He told me he loved me. And the things about myself that I've tried to hide my entire life, as well as the things I never noticed about myself, he can't get enough of. That's what makes what we have so beautiful. I can be all that I am and he loves all of it. Or so he said.Now, obviously with the title of this post, this all seemed to have hit a dead-end. But before any obvious remarks can be made about how we're at two different areas in our lives, let me just clarify this. When we first got together, we had a serious conversation about the future, and he told me he didn't want to invest his emotions and time into a relationship if we didn't want the same thing in regards to a long-term goal: marriage. Obviously a man of his age (30) is considering starting a life with someone. He wanted to make sure I wanted the same thing. And I said I did. Because I'm not that 20 year old that wants to go out and party and sleep around to figure out what/who I want. I want someone that loves me for me. Plain and simple. I've been out and enjoyed the nightlife and all that stuff, it's not my style. It has never been my style. After this discussion, he told me it scared him because he never discussed marriage so freely with anyone before. He had 3 relationships in his life, 1 for 6 years and 2 under 2 years, and the subject was NEVER mentioned because he could never see himself with them in that way. He was able to see ME that way. I think that says a whole lot. We've always been so open and honest with each other.Something happened to him about a month ago. Basically, his business partner and best friend of 23 years betrayed him. In every way, shape and form he could've stabbed him in the back, he did. And he's so hurt. And it's more than just a broken friendship, but his business is in shambles and he's basically in between jobs right now and doesn't know where he stands in regards to his career, financial situation, etc. Now I know this is something that typically 20 year olds don't have to or know how to deal with but I thought I've been a good shoulder for him to cry on (not literally.) He would vent to me and I would do my best to help him and time and time again he'd tell me how much he'd appreciate me being there for him.Last week, at the peak of all this drama with work, he told me he wasn't himself anymore and was in a bad frame of mind. He told me had started to doubt everything, including us. He said he needed to focus on himself and re-prioritize his life. When I asked him what that means for us, he said he didn't know. All he said was his feelings had changed and he was not himself anymore.I can't help but feel this overwhelming sense that it's over, that his feelings for me changed for good and everything he's said doesn't hold true for him anymore. The fact is, I love him and want to be there for him. I know he needs to clear his head but it just really hurts that he can't seek that comfort in me. Isn't that was love is? To get through these things together? All I know is that I fell in love with a man who was 30 years in the making, you can't change just like that. I'm praying he comes back to me when this is all over, but my mind keeps going back to the thought of him keep himself out of my life.Any thoughts or similar experiences? Any and all appreciated.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (15 August 2012):
 Everyone has good advice, especially gwydion. I think you just need to wait it out. Tell him you are there for him always if he needs someone to talk to. And basically just keep busy and continue on with your life. The not knowing is the hardest part, trust me I know. But pressuring him or bringing up relationship problems when he is dealing with his stuff will only make you seem selfish. It may take a long time but there's not much else you can do but have him know you are there for him no matter what and you love him. Hopefully he will come around in time and come back to you. But as another poster said and I'll repeat, you are correct in thinking that relationships should depend on each other in hard times. But a lot of times that's how a woman feels and not necessarily the way a man will handle things. Everyone is different and this obviously devastated him. Just keep busy and hope for the best. If its time to give up on him you will know. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Gwydion  +, writes (15 August 2012):
From your description, he's just undergone a major life trauma. In my experience, for a guy to lose his job, financial stability, lack of direction in his career is a huge blow to him, and may even cause depression. Right now his focus will be on getting his life back on track, and planning a future he can see.
In greatest likelihood, he still cares deeply for you but for a guy, a relationship is not a priority when his career/livelihood is at stake. It is a gender difference. As previous posters have said, when he normalizes his life, he will then find the time to think about the relationship. He's pretty much said that himself, at the peak of the drama no less.
All I can suggest is go on with your own life as you'd planned, finish college, build your career etc, after all, he loves you for you. Be his friend and sounding board, but don't push him to decide on the relationship. As for yourself, you have to consider if you're willing to be patient.
I'm with a widower, and it takes a lot of patience to support and wait for him to reach a sense of normalcy again. One thing though, though you are there to support, you have to let him gain control of his life on his own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): I believe he still loves you and cares for, at this point in his life he feels confused and betrayed. Give him space and be a friend to him, let him know that you will be there always and he can count on you. Once things in his life straighten out he will go back to being himself.
Dont put any pressure on him about the relationship as it is likely to have an adverse impact on him
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (15 August 2012):
I know what it feels like to be on both sides of the relationship. If I were you I would be asking all the same things and thinking the exact same way. Is love about seeking comfort in your significant other? I would say yes. But everyone experiences pain and defeat differently. If I were him I would never want to do that because it would feel like I was running away. Especially at his age and the stage in the relationship you had with him, something this devastating in one's career can have surprising effects. It is hard to explain but as you can see it is even harder to understand how he feels. Truth is, yes, people feelings can suddenly change. But this usually only happens with relating sudden events. Everything you said is admirable and I can tell you are an amazing person so it is heart breaking even for me to read that things have taken a turn for the worst. If you still love him my best advice would be to continue being his shoulder for as long as you can. Continue to trust your gut and if you feel like it is over, then let it go. Everything seems to be kind of up to him at this point. I hope things will work out. Keep your shoulders on because life tends to through these hard balls. Keep your head down and plough through.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): Just because a man is 30 doesn't mean he's mature enough. I think that was a nice way of letting you go. I'm sorry :(
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): Hmmmmmm. Delicate situation love. But my advice is let it go. He needs time to reproiritize and figure out what he wants. I no u want to b there for him, but some situations are best dealt with. Alone. Allow him time and space to realise how valuable u r in his life. And how much he misses u. He'll b back.
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A
male
reader, lovebot +, writes (15 August 2012):
I think that after he sorts out his career that he will normalize on the relationship front as well, but it may take a while...depending on how long it takes to find a stable job.His confidence in himself is shaken. His value system has been broken...and he is confused. He doesn’t think he can provide for you. Perhaps, he used to pay for everything, etc...he knows he can’t do that anymore. He doesn’t think you will like his new situation. I once dated a girl who knew I had just become unemployed yet still expected me to pay for everything...just because it is “tradition”. I got her to pay for her share but she was still very annoyed about it. When a guy’s financial situation is a mess it can dramatically shift their focus away from a new relationship.He may have to start making some tough decisions...like moving in with his parents, selling his car, stop dating to conserve money, finding a new place to live, moving to a different state to find work, etc. He could be in some emergency mode in which priorities shift dramatically. He may feel very embarrassed in social situations because he doesn’t want to talk about his career, as it often comes up.I’m assuming he used to pay for all the dates in the past since you are in school...perhaps you can show him that you can have a great time without having to go to nice restaurants, without him paying for everything, etc. Let him know that money doesn’t matter that much to you. I think this is something you can wait out. When his financial situation improves I think his head will clear and things will get back to normal.
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