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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyone, I am in a bit of a difficult situation so if anyone has any advice or comments, it would be greatly appreciated!Just last year I moved back to my home town to attend college, and I got in touch with an old childhood friend. He and I get along great, have so much in common and have been spending a lot of time together. However, I am NOT interested in having a relationship with him, and I made it very clear in the beginning that we would hang out as friends and nothing more. He's a nice guy, but I see him as a buddy, a friend, a pal, someone to hang out with, ect. He is always telling me he loves me, and wants to be with me. That makes me VERY uncomfortable, but he still continues. The other day we were at the movies, and he got upset because I wouldn't hold his hand. The whole drive back he was quiet and pretty much ignored me, giving me short answers when I would talk. One night we were texting, and he professed his love in more depth, telling me how much it hurts him when I decline his advances and such... The way I see it, I already made it CRYSTAL CLEAR that we would be friends and NOTHING MORE! He just doesn't seem to get it. I told him if us hanging out is going to be a problem, then we won't see each other anymore. It's as simple as that. I love being his friend, why can't it stay that way? I had male friends in high school and never had this problem before, that is why I really don't know how to handle it. I do know what it's like to be rejected by someone you love, I know that feeling of emptiness and when it happened to me, I promised myself that I would NEVER EVER make someone feel that pain, which is why I was honest with him in the beginning. No matter how many times I tell him I am not romantically interested in him, he still brings it up, and there we go again having that same conversation. And now, his family is starting to not like me because of this situation. He told me they don't want me to hurt him... Honestly, I really feel like I need to stop seeing him and cut off all contact, which kills me, because he is a great friend, and cool person to be around. A lot of girls hit on him and he won't date them or show interest at all. That really angers me because it makes me feel like I am holding him back.What do you think I should do? I don't want to lose him as a friend, but at the same time I don't want to continue encouraging his advances by hanging out with him. Thank you for reading! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for all your advice. He and I had a long talk, and are no longer in contact. I do wish him well, and am sorry for the pain I caused him.
Thanks again everyone! :)
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 July 2012):
 "That makes me VERY uncomfortable, but he still continues."
Sure he does, because you STILL continue to LOVE having him as a friend.
End the friendship. It's one sided. He doesn't want you as a friend. Move on. You're selfish when you insist to hang on to the friendship because he's "so cool and fun to be around". But that only makes YOU happy, and it HURTS him. It's natural that his family has started to not like you, because while HE has made it crystal clear he wants more, you STILL continue to hang out with him and basically are torturing him.
Cut the contact. Don't be selfish, you can find yourself another friend who is also cool, someone who's heart you aren't breaking.
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A
male
reader, Sorcerer  +, writes (9 July 2012):
BONDGIRL - it's comments like yours and the whole When Harry Met Sally thing that gets in the way and causes problems in friendships.
"But, when there are two adults present and you see one another regularly, that is usually considered "dating". You would not text a male friend as that is leading him on. You would only go to the movies (or go out with) someone you wanted to date."
I have a female best friend. We were best friends when we were both in relationships. We're best friends now we're single. We behave no differently now then we did then. We have never so much as kissed except on the cheek. We went away for a weekend last month and are going abroad on holiday next month. We text and email most days. Last week, she asked if I wanted to see a film. We went to the film. We didn't have a meal before or after and went to our own homes. Was she actually asking me on a DATE???? We see each other probably twice a week, usually with other people. Oh God, am I really in love with her but refusing to admit it???
I have many female friends. Of my ten closest friends, nine would be female. I've never slept, kissed or wanted to date any of them. Nor am I gay. I am 38 and have the wisdom to know that friendships between the sexes is perfectly possible.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2012): "I love being his friend, why can't it stay that way?"
Because he loves you and friendship is not enough for him and never will be. He's not even your friend, he's a guy who is actively pursuing you being nice so that you'll see no one will better for you than him, is that what you call a friend?
"I know that feeling of emptiness and when it happened to me, I promised myself that I would NEVER EVER make someone feel that pain."
And you don't think the pain he's going through at the moment is not worse? Which is worse OP, being in love with someone, them rejecting you and walking so you can get over them, or them sticking around, going on dates to cinema, hanging out, and being so close that you can touch and smell them but never be able to have them?
It's too late to think about hurting him OP, he's already hurt and you're never going to give him what he wants so it's not going end well at all is it? You're only delaying the inevitable aren't you? Best to cut the chord now.
OP it's very important that you understand that you're not losing a friend, he's not your friend he's a guy who wants you. That's not a friendship OP, that's painful crush with a guy who will never accept only being friends with you.
You have to understand OP, this is something many girls don't get. A guy who is in love with you romantically is not your friend, he's not being nice to you because he's your friend he's doing it because eventually he thinks he can score enough points for you to whip off your knickers. This guy is not being nice, he's not being friendly, he's playing a long slow game of points scoring, hoping that if he does enough for you he can change your mind and you will faint into his arms under a beautiful sunset and he stick it in you. He's playing a game OP and the prize is you. Do you think if he really thought he couldn't convince you to be his that he'd really be this nice to you? You saw how mean he can get when you don't return even minor affection.
Now I have to say OP, you haven't exactly handled this well, so far. You can say what you like about making it clear you're not interested, if we guys took what girls said at face value every time, well no one would end up together because you girls like to play hard to get, you like to say no and very often all that means is try harder. You know how many girls have told me they're not interested in me or that they don't do one night stands only for me to get them anyway?
You see you say you're not interested but you go on dates to the cinema with him. You say you're not interested yet when he tells you that he loves you, you still hang around just the two of you. They're not the actions of a girl who's not interested because a smart girl knows that there is no friendship there because the guy has made his intentions clear.
Now his family already don't like you because quite frankly OP the minute he told you he loved you from that point on you've been leading him on. I know that wasn't your intention but the result is the same.
Get rid of him, set him free to heal and get over you. For the future OP when you realize a guy has feelings for you walk away, it's not fair on him that you persist on wanting his friendship knowing all that time you're hurting him. You are in essence leading him on.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (9 July 2012):
 Besides, if he is that great and a cool person to be around, why not give him a chance? You're just not attracted to him?
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (9 July 2012):
Despite popular opinion, men and women usually cannot be "friends". The reason is due to what you are dealing with right now. One person always has stronger feelings than the other. If you were acquaintances, worked together, and did not do things together on a regular basis, you might be able to pull it off. But, when there are two adults present and you see one another regularly, that is usually considered "dating". You would not text a male friend as that is leading him on. You would only go to the movies (or go out with) someone you wanted to date. If you want him as a friend, you would not be "going out" with him. Going to the movies, texting, and whatever else you have done for fun only makes the situation more confusing for him. You are going out with him and presumably having fun, yet you keep telling him you are not interested in a relationship. The only thing for you to do is stop seeing and communicating with him. He is in love with you and he can't go back to being "just friends" just because you want him too. Put yourself in his position. It's you who is in love and the guy you care about treats you well, goes out with you, texts you, keeps spending time with you, yet says he won't have a relationship with you. How broken-hearted would you be?
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (9 July 2012):
Men and women can not be friends in this way when one person already has feelings for the other. You acknowledged him as a friend but he continued contact with you. This was your mistake. You should have never kept contact with him. You even admitted going to the movies with him. And texting in the night? Are these not things that couples do together? Basically you are leading him on by allowing him to treat you as his gf without the sexual benefits. If you aren't going to give him a chance it would be best to cut contact. Yeah it's harsh and it may hurt him but he needs to move on.
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A
female
reader, JULIE MIKE  +, writes (9 July 2012):
just cut communication and being a friend to him that is if you really dont want to be lovers with him.let me tell you one thing the more you hang out with him and all that your doing that is leading him to think maybe you are just playing hard to get and that is why he is adding effort
do this stop the connections and that is when he wil take you seriously and if he loves you as he says he wouldnt want to loose you as a friend too.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 July 2012):
 Tell him one last time, I want to be your friend but I am not interested in anything more. If this upsets you or your family I need to know now so that I can cut the contact and save the hurt.
Don't let him or his family guilt you into something you don't want. If you need to walk, then walk. Make sure you let people close to you know what is going on so that somebody will have your back if you need it.
Good luck with your studies!
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (9 July 2012):
 Unfortunately you have made it crystal clear to this man that you are just not interested in a romantic relationship with him.
BUT he refuses to accept your choice. He wants what he wants (don't we all?). While he can't be blamed for that, he IS responsible and at fault for insisting on forcing himself on you.
At this point you don't really appear to have any alternative but to stop seeing him as a friend. I know you prefer to remain on platonic terms, but if you try it will only encourage him to attempt to keep pressuring you......
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