A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was really shocked the other day when one of my really good friends who I've known since childhood broke the news to me that he's currently engaged to his girlfriend. He only started dating his girlfriend 6 months ago and on top of that this is the first relationship he's ever been in. He's dated other girls in the past but it never went further than just a date or two, he never got serious with anyone or actually been in a relationship until now (which may be uncommon considering he's 21) and now that he's finally in a relationship with someone, he already wants to tie the knot. I was with my ex for over 4 years and even we didn't tie the knot.I don't know his exact reasons for wanting to get married so soon in a relationship, never the less his very first one but I believe he's making a huge mistake. I have more experience than him in this field, I really think he's making this decision irrationally and that he's basing it off feelings rather than really thinking and analysing everything. To me marriage is a huge step in life and one of the biggest decisions, I feel that he fails to realize this. I tried expressing my opinion about it without offending him, all he said was "it just is what it is" and wouldn't say much more. I know he's still in the honeymoon phase of his relationship, even I was madly in love with my ex for the first year and knew I wanted to marry her someday, but as soon as we entered our second year of being together reality came crashing in and we began to notice some of the negative aspects and arguments began to be a more frequent thing in our relationship (not too frequent, just we never argued before in our relationship). Enough about me though, point I'm making is I think he's still in this infatuation phase and he's making this decision based on his infatuation. However I really don't know where these feelings come from. When he introduced his gf to me and the rest of our friends, I really didn't see the connection between them. They seemed so detached from one another, I don't think I saw them say a word to each other once and she was also very withdrawn from everyone else. I honestly couldn't call that a relationship so I really don't see why he's taking it this far. Perhaps if he stayed with her for a lot longer before deciding this than maybe that's ok but I also think he should have more than one gf before marriage. I just think he's making a huge mistake that he's only going to realize later and regret doing this. I can't change his mind, but I wish I didn't have to see him do something that will backfire. I almost don't even want to attend his wedding for that reason. I just want to know from other's if he really is making a mistake and perhaps understand why someone would make a decision like this so early in a relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2012): I feel sorry for the poor fellow, he's only 21 years old and I really don't think this is his last girlfriend. I'm sure he will get dump and not only that, further down the road he may realize she is not the girl he wants to be with and dump her, I think they're too young to know what they really want. Your friend can't see because his Di-k is blocking his vision.Just make sure you keep a strong shoulder for him to cry on and a large metal basket to pick up the big pieces because he will need you.I see the same thing that going on, they met and right away they start planning the wedding, she about ten years older than him, they got married had big wedding and still haven moved in toghter, he's living in his house and she living in her house with her children. She does not love him, it's because he has a good job and give her whatever she wants. Leave your friend alone because we all learn from our misstates, we fall down we get up, even tho some may fall a little harder than others.Be There For Him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2012): He's not married though OP he's only engaged. I know a couple who have been engaged for the past four years. I also know a couple that got married two weeks after getting engaged, after being together 12 years.
There are no hard and fast rules. Marriage is just a contractual relationship these days because divorce and annulment are actually far more popular than a life long commitment and very easy to obtain. There are aunts here going into their 3rd and 4th marriages.
OP it may not work out for them but can you really guarantee that any of your potential future marriages will actually be a life long thing?
Look I agree with your points that it's probably too soon and they're more than likely doing this based on the strength of emotion in the honeymoon period of the relationship but who's to say when that period ends that they won't be even closer?
OP the mark of a true friend is one who will fight hard to help their friend succeed no matter how likely failure seems to be. Sure you can tell him you think it's too soon and if he asks why say what you feel but let him live and learn. Failure is not guaranteed here and as a friend you should let him bask in the glory of this one, don't presume it will backfire unless you know something about her that makes her an unsuitable partner, such as she has cheated etc. Don't deny your friend this happiness he has right now. Let him learn his own lessons and be prepared to pick up the pieces if you have to but also be prepared to be surprized, they could make this work and they may well have a longer marriage than any of yours.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 July 2012):
 You don't have more experience than him. You're the same age as him. You just have a DIFFERENT experience. Your experience is that after 4 years you may still not want to marry the woman. His experience is that some women you date for only 6 months and you want to marry them. Don't compare your ex to his girlfriend, they are not the same person. Nor are you and him the same person.
So it didn't work out that way for you, but that's no reason to say it wont work out for him. Don't be bitter, try to be happy for your friend instead and SUPPORT him.
If you're a friend then you need to support him and be happy for him. Right now you just sound bitter and jealous because he's got something good going for him whereas you, the "experienced" one, are sitting alone.
Maybe it'll work out for them, maybe it wont. Getting engaged doesn't mean they are getting married soon. Some people stay engaged for years and years. They might even break up next month for all you know. But it's a truly crappy thing if you tell him "You're not ready for this, I know better, and your relationship will fail". Respect the man and his decisions and mind your own business. If they're not meant to be he'll figure it out soon enough. Besides, what may be wrong for you to do could be the perfect thing for him to do.
Oh, and don't worry. I'm not sitting on a moral high horse here, I'm thinking around the same things you are. He's young, he's in love, and it might end soon. But you got to keep it to yourself and stop thinking that you're "right" just because you think differently from him. Give people the chance to make their own mistakes in life, or else they never learn. And who knows. It might work out for them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2012): "I just want to know from other's if he really is making a mistake and perhaps understand why someone would make a decision like this so early in a relationship."
Very likely he's making a huge mistake, one he will indeed deeply regret, as six months is not sufficient time to adequately get to know a person, let alone plan a lifetime together. I can only assume that both your friend and his girlfriend have unresolved issues in their lives and see marriage as a way to cure long-term problems and/or fill long-standing voids, though they themselves may not consciously be making that connection.
If he's a really good friend, attend the wedding and wish them the best (not dishonest or disingenuous to wish for something good that you hope will happen even though you know it probably won't) and when the seemingly inevitable break-up occurs, be there for him and don't say "I told you so," let him learn (or not learn) from his experience. Let's just hope he doesn't knock her up (if he hasn't already, another possible reason for quickie wedding), because then he'll really be stuck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 July 2012):
 She may have been shy meeting all his friends at once, but she is his choice, and you need to accept that. The whys and wherefores are really not your concern. Give him your best wishes for his future, and when you meet her next do your best to make her feel welcome into your group.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2012): My cousin got engaged after being with his girlfriend for 7 months, many people like you thought he should be in more than one relationship before marriage, he didn't listen, and now he has been married to the same girl for 27 years and they are still very much in love. It is just how it works out for some people. You believe in have multiple relationships before marriage and that works for you, but for other's it is not what they want or need to do, they are lucky enough to find the right person for them in their first relationship. If your a good friend you will still attend his wedding and respect that it is his decision to make. I have also had a friend who got engaged after being in relationship for 5 years, got married and divorced her 8 years later, so really there are no guarantees or certain rules that dictate it will or will not work out. In the end it really is none of your business, and even if he is making a mistake, it's his to make, not yours, what works for you may not work for him, so be happy for him, that he has found someone.
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