A
female
age
51-59,
*ioletSparkle
writes:well, I found this guy on a dating website, we got on pretty well, he asks to meet me (after a really long time, like two months) we meet, it's OK no more, he seems a bit down and mentions two broken marriages at age 38. The second date is better, some sparkle, he asks me out again right after the date (and during the date he says "next time I ll come to your town" without actually asking me if there will be a next time - self-centered?), the third date is fixed, and after a few days he initiates a flirty chat that he interrupts abruptly to say that "he has depression, but that he is recovering". All this looks like a major red flag to me, doesn't it? I have to say that although he looked really down when I arrived, he seemed very positive, and has like 1000 recent pictures on the internet in which he seems OK, he works, but I am afraid he could be really messed up emotionally. More over, I myself had my personal depressive experience last year, and I pulled myself out with a huge amount of work, and I wouldn't want to go back in that place. What do I do, and especially, how do I tell him?! I don't want to hurt his feelings, but also I am not the Red Cross..
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female
reader, VioletSparkle +, writes (21 March 2011):
VioletSparkle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhonestly, the only thing I am telling him is that when I ll find Mr Clarity I ll send him a postcard - and yes, I am still going "yuck" since this afternoon. And laughing, because how do you send a postcard to one who lives in the moment?
Does it even have an address? anyway :D :D
A
female
reader, VioletSparkle +, writes (20 March 2011):
VioletSparkle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe last comment, suggesting that he was just a time waster, was the right one: after one month and a half of really mixed messages, I asked him what is that he wants and the answer is " it is very tricky for me to formulate exactly what I want, mostly I live in the moment. If Mr Clarity is what you need, I am not him."
and that he wanted to sleep with me until he found out his feelings (!!!!).
I say, wow..
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A
female
reader, bernergirl  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 I think you did what is right. At least for now. But I doubt he got rid of his Facebook Page, he just blocked you so you can't see it at all. (He probably felt rejected) but you did what was right and you did it very professionally and humanly. You should be proud of yourself.
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A
female
reader, VioletSparkle +, writes (8 March 2011):
VioletSparkle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree exactly with the last comment, that it felt like he pushed that information on me to see what happened - by the way, I answered a kind message saying that that was a lot of information and I wanted to know more and... the day after his Facebook profile with 300 friends was deleted! A few hours after I spoke with him and he didn't mention it. So, yes, I suspect it was some kind of sabotage, or self-sabotage. I also have some experience with alcoholics, and in the evening he would always seem very different from the morning, and a bit random and too fast, and on the first chat he said that he was drunk, immediately adding an excuse. Not good. Anyway, I wrote a really sweet letter to cancel the date and saying basically that if he solves his issues I'll be happy to see him (in nicer worlds) and who knows. He seemed a good guy, but I am barely functional myself, I just can't play games.. thank you for the feedback.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (8 March 2011):
 I think you are still in the 'getting to know' stage and it is too early to judge him. The depression isn't a red flag - 10% of adults suffer from depression at some stage in their lives. It is a medical condition just like diabetes, asthma etc. Depression is often subject to relapse and remission. You could find yourself suffering depression in the future. One episode is a risk factor for further episodes. If he revealed it to you then it could be he is an open-person with everyone, or perhaps he hopes you will feel sorry for him (not so good). I think as Cindy mentioned earlier - the red flag is two broken marriages at 38. This maybe the cause of his depression, or unrelated. If there is a future for you both, it is probably a good idea to find out why those marriages failed. Sure it will be a one-sided story but the way people talk about their ex's (esp. several ex's) is very revealing about their whole approach to relationships. I suspect he didn't offer to come to your town due to being self-centred. He is keen on you and is feeling insecure about where the dating may go. Forcing the issue by fixing a date is his way of trying to ward off rejection before it happens. If you have doubts about him, don't hesitate to refuse more dates. However, if the rejection is based purely on his mood disorder then you maybe missing out on a nice relationship in the long term (esp. if he really is in recovery).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): I say stick with it a little longer and see what happens.
You had your own depressive episode so, and I don't mean to be insulting, you're being a bit hypocritical aren't you? You of all people should know how easy it is drop as low as that yet you're seeing his depression as a red flag, then that means any guy who would date you should view your depression as a red flag too don't you think? Or would you rather they got to know you better first and learned to see what you're like now and not judge you solely based on that?
From what I can tell the guy is being up front about these issues, so that's kind of good he's not leading you into something without letting you know what it is.
It is reason to be cautious, he may have issues that might be too much but the only way you'll find out is if you give it a go, just keep a safe emotional distance and thread carefully. Just remember though Violet, you too went through a deep depression recently so it's only fair you treat him as you would want to be treated by guys who know that. Do you really think it fair if guys were to just run a mile the minute they found out you suffered depression in your recent past? They're not the red cross either are they?
As far as broken marriages go, they're just break ups and we've all had tonnes of those the only difference is his two were legal, contractual agreements.
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A
female
reader, VioletSparkle +, writes (8 March 2011):
VioletSparkle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for your answers - what freaked me out a bit was that he didn't really wait to know me a bit before telling me these things, and he told me about the depression on a chat instead of just waiting three days for the next meeting to tell me in person..
Argh! I notice now that yesterday evening I write him that it is a bit of a big deal for me and that I d like to know more, and today his facebook profile doesn't exist anymore?! This is WEIRD..
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A
female
reader, bernergirl +, writes (8 March 2011):
I don't think depression is a red flag. I am on antidepressants and it really makes me happy, I would find out what caused the depression? (Mine was finding my ex cheated on me after 5 years with a woman who looked like Gonzo the muppet he sent me into a tail spin that I lost 40lbs in 6 weeks....great diet...but I gained it all back! And I couldn't get out of bed. Time stood still) but now I feel better than ever! I feel strong, confident, and ready to rumble! But I would find out what sent him spinning into his depression. If that is too much for you then I would say you're not quite ready to take the next step. Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 March 2011):
 Too early to read so many things in his words and demeanour after just two casual dates. If you are interested, take it slow, without too many expectations and early emotional investments, and see how things develop.
I must say though that ,if he is even bothering to go on dates and to make plans , he can't be severely depressed, he must really be recovering .
What, personally to me , would look like a red flag is two failed marriages by age 38. Who is this guy, Ross from Friends ??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): My personal take is he is a time waster. Some men will tell you right away their issues and I find it comes in handy for them when they want to bail out of anything serious, like after you have sex with them. I would pass on this one.
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