A
male
age
30-35,
*nonymous_jp
writes:hey, this might be on the edge of what this site is for but here it goes:There's this girl that really likes me and i really like her, i'm one of the very few people she has trusted enough to tell that she has been sexually abused by her uncle ever since she can remember. the last time being christmas. i care for her and this new information has really shaken me. her uncle has not been trialed or charged or anything and to think he is still living his life like normal after committing something so unforgivable really angers me but i have to keep this a secret because this isn't up to me. ive really wanted to ask her out but i'm not sure because if i take anything further with her i may find this information about her uncle even harder to deal with.this sounds like im going on about me but i can only imagine how she feels about it, she tells me shes beginning to get over it and it wont ever happen again since her mum and brother know but im still worried.She doesnt deserve someone that will bring this up but who wouldn't have at least a slight problem with this right?my point is should i start a relationship with her and what exactly would i be in for?anything, even thoughts would be appreciated.thanks
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male
reader, anonymous_jp +, writes (17 August 2009):
anonymous_jp is verified as being by the original poster of the questionuhm just before i brought it up, i told her to stop me if she was uncomfortable but she was pretty open about it too me and told me ive helped her more than anyone else which is good and ive talked to her about going to the police because neither of us would want her uncle to do anything to her again, ever. i have no clue what he did to her, should i get her to tell me but without details of course? anyone know what evident you would need to put her uncle away? im not pushing her through this and the last thing i want to do is put her through any more pain from it so im being really careful just so u know. i really need help with this so if anyone cares to that would be soo good thanks.
A
male
reader, anonymous_jp +, writes (17 August 2009):
anonymous_jp is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you guys you've been helpful. i treat my girlfriends like that anyway and definitely wouldnt push her because shes had way too much of that anyway. its really hard for me to think about it and i guess it would be really stupid to ask her about it. so the best way is to forget it unless she wants to talk about it? along with treating her with respect and everything too of course.
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A
female
reader, devastated2008  +, writes (17 August 2009):
 Yes there will be problems in the relationship. She does not need a sexual relationship with you now or anywhere in the near future. She needs love, respect, nurturing, cherishing, and healthy/safe boundaries - all the things she has been deprived of for a very long time. A sexual relationship with her could be very damaging to her right now... she doesn't need to be thinking of anyone else's needs... instead it should be all about her and her healing so that she has a chance at a healthy relationship in the future. She needs counselling and a supportive friendship.If you love and care for her, her needs and best interest has to come first anything less will likely damage her further. Your self-control, supportive friendship, and healthy role modelling will go a very long way in showing her how a real man treats a woman he values.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): I agree on a number of items... first you should haved a relationship with her - just epxect her to possibly have issues with physical closeness. I've got a freind who was abused by her father. She finally took up for herself and he was prosecuted but died prior to trial. For years she couldn't do some normal stuff because it freaked her out... going to the dentist was out, as she couldn't handle objects in her mouth... sexual relationships have been hard for her and she's been single for most of her life. She's smart, pretty, thin and makes very good money - just not in a relationship.I know other women who were abused, and took to food to build a wall around themselves - this appears to be a common defense of sexual abuse... Proceed with eyes open and keeping her in your mind. On one hand this may be a very good thing, as we should ALWAYS proceed into a relationship thinking about the other person. All too often this doesn't happen.On the other hand... you need to know that you may have to work a bit harder in this case... you may have to be part of her recoevery... this is NOT a bad thing, just more work. Hopefully, you like her enough that this should NOT be a question.Good luck, this special woman is going to need some extra love and attention- some days could be trying, but that's true in all relationships... my vote is open your heart to her and see what happens!
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A
female
reader, justme..x  +, writes (15 August 2009):
 Hi :DWell yes, start a relationship with her. You like her, she likes you. The fact that she's been through that doesn't make her incabable of love, or being loved etc. It doesn't make her unsuitable for a relationship.I think the key thing you will need to do is RESPECT. Give her enough space, but pay attention to her. Listen to her. Don't push her into anything. Or even make blunt suggestions. Let her set the pace. Don't mention the abuse thing unless it's an appropriate time. Even if you do, don't be blunt. Show her that you care about what happened to her. But be careful not to patronize her.Also, be loyal. Be caring. You are possibly the main person who she will build up her trust of the guys on. You will possibly be the one to prove that not all men are like that. No pressure of course lol! She already likes you, so just be yourself, and go gently, and you'll be fine :-)I may have made it sound like there are a lot of things you have to do and not do, but I honestly think you will be fine, simply because she already wants to be with you. As long as you're sensitive and caring, I think you two will be great together. Good luck! Hope that helped -xxxxx-
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): I dont' understand what the problem is, honestly. Right before you said "this sounds like i'm going on about me," I was thinking "well this isn't about HIM!"
But you still seem to think it is.
Sexual abused peopel need love too. It doesn't make them unable to love, it doens't mean she will never be a normal person and function smoothly, it doesn't mean anythign except that when you are doing anythign sexual with her, you move very, very slowly and make sure she consent to EVERYTHING that happens. You read her face to see if she's ok, because chances are, she'll have a hard time voicing it if there's somethign wrong.
You go about it just like you do with anyone else reguarding everything else though. I'm really not sure what you see as the problem, i'm sorry. But I hope I got to your point at least a little bit.
~Sy.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (15 August 2009):
 Dont worry about it im sure you know plenty of other girls that where abused or are being abused they just havnt told you.I dont know why she told you, maybe its her way of letting you know shes not a virgin so you wont have to ask why etc later, many times females are rejected by their family and even potential partners when they find out. If you like this girl stick by her and forget it.
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A
male
reader, meganutts +, writes (15 August 2009):
 Well my friend tread lightly on this one. She's been hurt by a man that she trusted would never hurt her, so the fact that she told you says a lot. She's hurt and you should go about a relationship with her very very VERY carefully.
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