A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 35 in a relationship (for 20 months now) with a man of 55. I love him, he wants to marry me, but i am hesitating. Sex is nearly absent (he has medical sexual problems), there is no financial security, and all issues that come with 20 years age gap. I can't see clearly the reasons why i can't get out of this relation, or why I am still in it : love? loyalty? habit? Sense of commitment and obligation? Fear of being alone? Fear of the memories (what do we do with them when we leave someone) ? Thank you in advance for your inputs.N Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): you need to talk to this guy and tell him how you feel.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Thank you all for your answers,
I would like to add something, and I know I may sound stupid, but how do we know if sex really interests us?
I am not sure if I want to trade real affection and care (with quasi absence of sex), with sex satisfaction and less affection.
When I think of the few men I dated before him, that is enough to convince me to stay with him.
I can't imagine myself on the dating scene again. And at my age, I don't want to keep waiting for someone to come along, someone serious who is seeking a commited relationship and to make a family.
I really don't know what to think.
This is the hardest dilemma I've ever experienced.
N.
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A
male
reader, steph007  +, writes (27 December 2010):
Stay with him in a friendship and find a real lover who satisfies you.
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A
female
reader, MrsTetzlaff  +, writes (26 December 2010):
I would question if it is actually a medical condition. Sexual medical problems are very rare. Usually the man is masturbating too much, watching too much porn, or just doesn't really see women in that way...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): It is very clear that you know exactly what your should do, and that is leave him. The problem is you are going by how you feel and not by what your smart mind is telling you. That gets all of us in trouble and we realize the mistake later on in life, but we manage to live with it.
If you can separate your feelings and make a decision, I am sure that you will be a happier woman in the future. If he has health problems now and no money and has problems pertaining to his ability to sexually satisfy you, how will this situation get better? And how happy will it make you?
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (26 December 2010):
 I think you're afraid of being alone and the age gap is bothering you. Also sex is important to us, and without there's not much point in the relationship. If you don't know for sure that you love him you should probably end it now before it goes deeper.
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A
female
reader, MCloves +, writes (26 December 2010):
My parents are 21 years apart. They have been happily married for 20 years. My father treats my mother better than any man i have ever known. They truly love each other. If u love this man i feel you should marry him.
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A
female
reader, dont understand men +, writes (25 December 2010):
It would be ridiculous to get married to a broke guy who can not have sex with you. I am 31 , I think about dating older guys sometimes but I would not date a guy who is 20 years older than if he does not give me some type of security . But there is a reason why I am so concerned about security . My ego has been butchered by men in the past and for a long time I was ready to become a slave for a man who would show me some love . We both need to be smart and give up on older guys they are not worth it For women security is very important weather financial or emotional . Most probably this guy is emotionally satisfying your needs but do you want to be a caregiver to a guy who can not give you anything in the future . I think he is drinking your blood and if he had other options ( money and sexual power) he would have dumped you for a younger better looking woman and he would not want to marry you like this . You have better options out there and as long as you are with him you will not be able to look for different options because currently he is satisfying you emotionally and this is what matters the most to all of us . I know I sound like a bitch – but this is the reality -
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2010): Thank you all for your answers. I have been trying, indeed, to get out of this relationship from the very start, but couldn't. I have dated other men before him, but he outstands them all. Very intelligent man, exceptional human skills, very interesting, affectionate and caring.But he sometimes shows a bad temper and we have disputes, and this, among otehr things difficult to mention, makes me feel uncomfortable. Since my childhood, I've been told that I am more mature than my real age. I don't get along with men my age or 5-10 years older (at least I haven't met any yet). I have a good experience of life, traveled and lived abroad, so it's not like he is the first man I ever dated. But he certainly is the first with whom i made a deep emotional investment. Sometimes I feel he is my therapist, (he understands my psychological construction), other times he is my father and mother, lover and friend. A very deep feeling bonds us together, as if he's always been in my life, as if he came from my history. And, paradoxically, this is exactly what frightens me and makes me hesitate or "waver". With 20 years age gap come many challenges. I am not sure I am up to them. But I am also not sure of the unknown, in case I leave him. I have a very developed sense of guilt and loyalty, that's why i said " I don't know what to do with the memories". Someone told me that, in my situation, all decisions will come to be equal in the end... I don't know what to think, I can't reach a decision. And I have to, soon, because we can't go on like this, and because he is pressuring me for marriage. PS: BigSambo, commitment and obligation are part of my "personal" culture. I feel obligated to him because he has been a great help and support for me and my family for the past 1 and 1/2 year, in many many ways. Because of his age and experience, he knows how to "be".
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A
female
reader, LoveexD +, writes (25 December 2010):
I think that you need to find someone closer to your age. Just because you love each other doesn't mean that it is right. I think that if you find someone closer to your age then you will have a better time with them. Do what you think is right. but in your shoes, i would just tell him that it doesn't feel right , but you still want to be friends (:
Hope that helped !!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2010): I've been married to a man 20 years older than me for 2 years and I can't see anyone else who could replace him and the life and love we've shared.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (25 December 2010):
 I think you've answered your own question and i'd probably add one more: comfort. After the time you've invested its bound to be difficult to sever the ties.
I think you need to be honest with yourself. You want out but are afraid to make a change and you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
That's not possible. You are going to need to take that step though (at least from the sounds of it) I think if you were to Mary this man, you'd wind up bitter and resentful. You don't have an easy task in front of you... and wish you the best
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (25 December 2010):
 Memories are the best part of any relationship, we take them with us and the good ones keep our spirits up. The bad ones teach us lessons.
In the game of love, you only play for yourself. Make a check list of 10 things you want in a relationship. Now check off the things this relationship can give you. Sometimes relationships on paper allow our heads to move our hearts along.
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (25 December 2010):
 If you are asking, then its time to leave. You arent in love, and arent being fulfilled. He of course has everything he needs in a relationship, but you on the otherhand do not.
Its never easy to make changes, but you can do it. You will create new memories, and these will become part of your past. You may look back with great fondness on these times, but In my opinion, its time to move on.
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A
male
reader, BigSambo +, writes (25 December 2010):
It is a big age gap indeed. I can't tell you what to do, but you need to think about 5 or 10 years from now and what your life will be like with him when he is 60 or 65 and you are still a young 45 year old female...
As for memories, most people go through them and manage to get over the pain or the guilt or however they feel after they breakup.
It is worth to note that you mentioned Sense of commitment and obligation ... is that part of your culture?
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