A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am dating a cop... started out great, he told me he was crazy about me - dated a few months, we were very much into each other and things turned REALLY weird. On one date, he actually was a complete jerk -I purchased expensive tix to a football game and he complained the whole time - that I was walking too slow, how much money he spent on beverages, that he didn't want other guys "looking" at me (he has made that comment more than once). It was a horrible time and he made me feel insignificant and uncomfortable - he seemed very uptight in that setting and I was doing everything in my power to make HIM comfortable at the expense of my own happiness. NO FUN.We ended up leaving the game NOT speaking - on the way home I tried to explain why I was hurt and upset... he shut down. We did not speak for 2 days. He would not return my calls even though his jerk attitude was the ISSUE.I attempted to speak to him after this incident since we had plans to go out of town together that next weekend- again, I purchased concert tix for us - he initially agreed to go and was excited. THEN, at last minute, he decided it was best I go by myself. I was very upset, had words with him - and went alone. Traveled 7 hours alone...His comment "oh, you are a big girl, you will be fine by yourself." SERIOUSLY??Things have not returned to normal - he says he doesn't like the fact that I "nag" about spending time together. Um, I have never been called a NAG in my life - in any of my relationships simply because i want to spend time with someone. I have to children full time, a business and still MAKE time for him - because I CARE! He "gives" me ONE day a week, MAYBE - because he is busy with his life or work...he even limits his communication now. I've tried to talk, work it out, dance, scream... and he acts like a complete JERK. He says things that are demeaning and hurtful...then he turns around and says "i love you." I care about him, but just can't deal with this type of mentality - it's borderline abusive. It's too exhausting to "try" to read his mind, to get him to acknowledge my existence, figure out what he wants and to work this out. Then he says "I am not going to KISS your ass." I am not ASKING that at all... a happy medium would be GREAT! My friends and family told me to "RUN..."Am I reading all the signs correctly? Women's intuition that something else is going on, he's NOT into me anymore because of it, or all of a sudden, he is busier than usual and can't call or see me...or he really is mentally abusive? In any regard, I think I should get the hell out of dodge...I've tried the niceness approach, doesn't work. Seems he is NICE to me when he has pushe my buttons and I am upset and walking away. Been in a relationship like this in the past and completely NOT what I want. Any thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): RUN and run FAST
A
female
reader, Natalie:)  +, writes (19 October 2010):
 Get away from this guy. He sounds socially... Stupid. Imagine if it worked out, you couldn't let him near your friends or family in case he acted up.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (19 October 2010):
 Hey you did what you could and he just wasn't meeting you in the middle. A know a lot of men who would be tickled pink if their girlfriend bought them tickets to any sporting events or concerts. You're a woman that goes above and beyond..and all you want in return is some appreciation..
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A
male
reader, futuro1234 +, writes (19 October 2010):
Yeah, this guy sounds seriously like bad news. The fact that he is a police officer makes this so much more of a dangerous situation. You really need to watch it when interacting on any level with a police officer. They do not have to adhere to the same rules that the rest of us do and they know it.
He obviously has absolutely no respect for what you want, or how you feel. His only reality is his will and what he desires. He is used to the rules being "you comply with me or I will make you very sorry you didn't."
Keep this in mind when you do break up with him. Also keep in mind that cops look after each other in a very, very serious way. I would tread with extreme caution. You will be ending it with a very dangerous person who has the expectation of immediate submission as an integral part of his personality (you don't get to be a cop otherwise), who can certainly get away with quite a lot. Be careful!
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A
female
reader, AuntieSnap +, writes (19 October 2010):
Bail out and find someone nice and uncomplicated that will truly appreciate you.
You have far too much going on in your life to worry about a spoilt brat that throws stravallachs every time you don't agree with him, so draw a line in the sand, step over it and get rid of him. He is playing head games because it makes him feel superior, probabaly to cover up his own inadequacies and insecuritites.
And no, you are NOT a failure, just chalk this up to a rather nasty experiment that went wrong.
Cheers Doll, hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): He's an ass. Plain and simple. Get rid of him. He is immature and thats sad for being a cop. He only wants you to chase him because he is a child and you are feeding right into it. And i have to agree it sounds as if he may be married or already have a girl friend. He is controlling, possessive, manipulative, and down right mean. He only stops when you walk away. That's a flag right there, he is only saying sorry because he knows you aren't going to take that crap and when you forgive him he sees it as you're weak and he has all control. Dump him and dump him fast!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much everyone - I know the writing is on the wall right in front of my face; I guess I knew all along, I just feel like a failure and wanted to try to make it work. It's too exhausting and I agree, at the expense of my own happiness, it's definitely not worth it. I really appreciate the advice!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (19 October 2010):
 I would hazard a guess that he has another woman in his life. However, divorce and relationship breakdown is also a very common issue for criminal justice professionals. The stress of the job really impacts on their personal life. I think his behaviour speaks volumes. He likes to be in control and you seem to do all the chasing. Really it is not a relationship of equals. His willingness to let you travel alone should tell you all that you need to know. With his professional background he should be hypersensitive to protecting you against potential hazards. In my view he sees you as a casual fling. He is only treating you badly though because you let him. If you didn't keep taking all this rude behaviour from him then he wouldn't have the opportunity to upset you. I really think it is time to say goodbye to him before he drags you down further.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (19 October 2010):
 As far as the fitting you into his schedule goes; it's possible he doesn't have time for you because he isn't single? Just a thought...
As far a being a jerk - This behavior is not "borderline abusive" - it's abusive.
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/what-is-abuse/assess-your-situation/
Dump the Dope, like the first poster said.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (19 October 2010):
What a cocky cop. Sounds like this is the real him, like it or not. I believe he has some past issues with relationships, possibly a nasty divorce from a nagging bitching wife , or had a lot of clingy women. His attitude is women are beneath him nothing but nagging, bitching, helpless beings. I'm not liking it. Listen to your family and friends, they care for you and would never give you bad advice. You're not happy, he doesn't call you but one day a week, you go out of your way to buy tickets to events, bending over backwards trying to please him but only to get negativity and no "thank you" in return. From a third party perspective, dump this borderline bipolar jackass.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 October 2010):
 Sorry but I don't think it's your woman's intuition here, I'd say it's more like a big wall with 6 ft red spray painted letters that spell "Dump the Dope".
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female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (19 October 2010):
 He's not going to change and suddenly start being the man you want him to be. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. His behavior issues are his, and no matter what you do to adjust to it or do the "right" thing to make his life comfortable, it will never be enough. I normally don't give this sort of advice, but based on my past history of 23 years with someone like your guy, I say run while you still can.
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