A
male
age
36-40,
*etroactive
writes:My battle with retroactive jealousy:- It's been almost 2.5 years.Improvements: - It is getting better. I can function normally in last one year.- Hearth shattering instant images no longer pops up.- It is getting less visual.- I kinda get used to live with RJ. It is kinda a part of my life now.- If she stays over, my RJ disappears for several days. - I'm pretty much OK when we are together.- I spend less and less time on internet searching or reassurance seeking.- The distance between RJ attacks gets wider and less intense.- After 2.5 years of soul seeking and internal EGO fights, I happened to be a wiser man. My capacity to show empathy is much bigger and I had a chance to see that "I" am not a single person but a combination of different characters with different insecurities and strengths discussing and negotiating with each other. Every single one of them have a different view of what is better for "me". And if they fail to agree , I get inner conflict until one side wins or they agree on a common solution.Problems:- I still have RJ- Still I remember it every day and every morning. I believe I spend 30 mins - 1 hour every day thinking about it (I can function at the same time).- Even if it doesn't hurt me too much, It is like a background noise. Always there.- Professional help works temporarily. This is too deep.- To decrease the pain, I started unintentionally to assuming my fiancee doesn't exist in working days. I don't think about her, I talk her briefly on the phone. No love words nothing.If she messages me with love words, I don't even reply or fake. That is sad. People do feel joy when they think about their lovers. I feel pain.- Any single hint that she doesn't feel sexually attracted to me kickstarts my RJ.Question:We are engaged but I just can't set a date to get married. I'm so terrified to live rest of my life in misery. Yes It is getting better but what if this is as good as it gets?One day I may just say "who cares" that would be great but it's been 2.5 years and I'm not there yet. I really really doubt I'll have a single day of my life that I won't remember it. This would be a terrible life I suppose. I was reading Dearcupid for 2.5 years. There was this guy "Aether". He had the exactly same RJ problem as I had.He asked you the same questions that I'm asking today here. He later got married with this girl and now they have twins. Yet he was back on dearcupid with the same problems after 4 years. That is terrifying. I know if I leave her, she will be devastated beyond imagination. She will be psychologically broken and scarred for the rest of her life. I know her. She is the sweetest girl ever and I really really don't want to hurt her. Sometimes I wish she would cheat on me. On the other hand , I don't want to steal her best years either. And I also fear that I will never ever find someone like her again.So I would like to ask if any of you who had severe RJ who got married after. Does it get better? Do you have a normal life now or you just accept your suffering?
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engaged, fiance, jealous Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2017): I think your therapist is full of crap that you will not get over this.
I think it is VERY likely you will get over this, although it may take a few years.
Why do I say this? I have had anorexia, and hence absolutely obsessive thoughts every single moment of the day. I thought I would never be able to go a day in my life without thinking these shameful thoughts every day. But guess what? After about 5 years I rarely think those thoughts. I have also struggled at times with obsessively jealous thoughts.
I truly believe that people who suffer from RJ, OCD and related disorders / obsessive thinking heal. You need to consciously work on getting better. There is a technique (forget the name) where you consciously redirect your thoughts every time they fall on your obsession. You can write out a list of things to think about instead when your thoughts fall to your addiction (because it is an addiction).
Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2017): You feel the way you do because you do love her and care. The female that is attacking you is not helping one bit.I wish you the best. I go through this myself with my wife. The reason i do is because it hurts, and i love her. You can't turn these feelings on and off. I would like to say it gets better but the thoughts are there if i like it or not. I just live with it.
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (5 January 2017):
 And he still thinks medications aren't appropriate for this level of obsessive and obtrusive thoughts?
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male
reader, retroactive +, writes (4 January 2017):
retroactive is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell , I've been to another psychiatrist. I've been told that I'm very unlikely to get over it.. ever. But obsessions are like humans and they do age therefore I'll be most likely be a little bit better in the future. On the other hand he also thinks I'm so much attracted to her that there is no way I can break up with her either. So it's simply a lose lose situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2016): why dont you just leave this poor unfortunate girl who you have decided to make the object of your obsessive mental illness?
You are dishonest!
You are trying to tie her into a life time of love that you dont even feel.
Jealousy is not love!
I dont care if its retroactive.Its still not love!
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (23 December 2016):
 you cant help the way you feel. people telling you to get a grip, get over it does not help.
you feel this way because you love her, because you care.
i know how it feels, i have been married for three decades and still feel the hurt.
i would like to say it gets better, but it still hurts. the one thing i know is i would not want to be with anyone else.i just accept things the way they are and live day to day. sometimes good and sometimes bad.
i wish you the best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2016): Hi there, I understand what you are going through, I too suffer from a very extreme case of retroactive jealousy. People don't understand it but it is a mental illness and it's not something that you can just "snap out of". I reccomend you order this book...it was very helpful for me "Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy: a guide to getting over your partners past and finding peace by Zachary Stockhill. Also check out his website, www.retroactivejealousy.com it is also very helpful and there is a lot of support there. Now these won't take it completely away, it will be something you will always deal with, but it will help you manage it daily and stop it getting uncontrollable. This is necessary if you want a future with your partner, or with anyone else.
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reader, kkierlan +, writes (20 December 2016):
I'm at just over 2 years myself. Married 15 years. At its worst it was a few hours a day (like you describe, while able to function at other things). I don't know about all this "acting out" people talk about because for me it was 100% internalized until 6 months ago. I finally let her know the reasons why I was depressed, which was a relief but a "shock" to her as she never really thought about how very different our life-relationship experiences were before we met. We had some very interesting conversations about gender and dating and growing up since we basically shared the same very conservative upbringing.I guess for me it hasn't faded so much as been replaced by what was really the core problem - growing up I was emotionally abused, bullied, and was a late bloomer. This led to little relationship history and also, once I met her, felt total joy and wonder and would never imagined her being with others (not that that was part of the "perfection" - rather that it never entered my thought). Somehow I ignored the names that came up and photos for many years while retroactive jealousy lay dormant.Best of luck. Our threads on the internet are rare and misunderstood but we have to keep asking the questions and finding our way to better truth. I do work with a therapist but he is as quizzical as any of us. He only knows it is a deep hurt that cuts into my soul.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2016): "I have retro jealousy" does not always mean "I need a virgin." Sometimes a person has slept with 3 other people and they find out their partner has slept with 30.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 December 2016):
 Male anon, I think you misread my post's meaning.
What I meant was - the older he gets, the more that anyone, INCLUDING HIMSELF, has a history. He's not 17 and there are girls who have never had another boyfriend. If he meets a girl his age, THEY won't be a spring chicken either, and chances are - they will have a similar history that he has. If he breaks up with this one and meets someone else, HE will not be a virgin. He will have had a sexual past with other women.
My comment wasn't a moral one. It was a pragmatic one. As he gets older, he will find very few women who have lived their lives untouched in any way by a past relationship. See what I mean?
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (17 December 2016):
You say you've looked into professional help...have you looked into medications for OCD? While many people associate OCD with someone who can't stop washing their hands or who has to touch the doorknob 5x or else, it is also characterized by intrusive thoughts, ruminating, and (my sense is) not letting go of obsessive thoughts. Maybe you need a combination of talk therapy and anti-anxiety medicine (last I heard they were calling OCD a form of anxiety).
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 December 2016):
 Does it get better? Honestly, no. I don't think that in your case it will get better because you have allowed RJ to have too strong a grip on you and are suffering severely as a result of it.
You're giving yourself too much importance by thinking that your girlfriend will be devastated and scarred for life of you leave her. That's what you think. In reality, she'll be much more devastated if you have a bad marriage that's overshadowed by your insecurities every single day.
You're ruining a great thing because you refuse believe that your girlfriend had a life before you. Break up with this one but keep in mind that at your age, almost every single girl that you met will have a past and if she says she doesn't then she's lying. It's always best to not ask, not tell. I really don't see why people need to talk about their pasts when it's of no significance in their present. See what it did in your case?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2016): "You're in your 30's, so you've been around the block and aren't a spring chicken anymore."
If its a moral issue for him then it won't go away with some certain age. Deeply set values don't work like that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2016): Excuse me sir, but aren't you pushing it a bit by claiming someone would be so devastated by you leaving them? Of course it will hurt; but I believe that staying with you will do more damage, if things are as bad as you say.
Psychologically broken, devastated, and scarred for life? That would mean this woman has some severe emotional issues that require professional treatment. You two would make quite a volatile combination!
You're quietly going nuts, while she's otherwise unaware?
I'm pretty sure you fight a lot. You simply haven't mentioned that in your post. It's inevitable.
People suffering from retro-active jealousy always act-out on it. It doesn't just stay in their heads. The obsession and the mental-visuals will build until some form of negative behavior or irrational outburst occurs. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here.
I think you know that each individual case of RJ is unique; accept for the general symptoms and behavior. One person may manage it, and another may have uncontrollable flare-ups. It depends on how hard you want to fight it, and just how severe it is. There are exceptions to every rule, but you don't seem to trust yourself.
Anyone can get married with any type of social or mental disorder. If that disorder cannot be managed, the marriage will suffer; and most likely end in divorce. The way you described your fiance's reaction to breaking up with her; sounds like a marriage would pretty much have the same outcome. I don't think she really could handle it. You're miserable as it is.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (16 December 2016):
What is it you can't get over?? You're in your 30's, so you've been around the block and aren't a spring chicken anymore. You also know that if you leave her and are with someone else, chances are at your age, and at hers, you both have a past. In short, your issue will never leave you no matter who you are with.
So who is it that you keep obsessing about, because it *is* obsession at its base, and you have an addiction to that obsession that you are trying to squelch, and that's a good thing. It will never be totally gone, but just like an alcoholic who has become sober, you know that one drink, one obsession you indulge, one hour trolling the internet or snooping through her possessions feeds that addiction. It feeds that obsession.
You may need regular help for life, just as many alcoholics who become sober need groups like AA and other things to stay clean. My grandma was an alcoholic for years which tore her life apart until she got help. She stayed sober for 20 years until her son died, which triggered a brief relapse. Luckily, she got back up and was then sober for another 12 years until she died.
The question of you leaving her hinges on whether you feel you can "Become sober" of your own addiction. If you can't, let her go so that she's not imprisoned by your obsession. If you can conquer it, stay getting help, and move on, then move your relationship forward. Do not make her adjust or have to compensate for YOUR issues, and that means either demanding constant assurance, or pretending she's not there, or worse, making her prove herself constantly. That's on YOU not to indulge your obsession, which is your addiction.
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