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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: hi.. is there anybody here living in their in-laws house after marry? who got controlling and self-minded mother in law?im going to marry next year. we are Asian and it's a tradition for us to live with in laws after marry especially if there's only son like my case.. his parent is quite understanding and caring person but his mother get controlling sometimes. whenever they went to vacation they bought me gifts and kind to me when we meet. i know they love me, especially his dad.. maybe considering my background and my personality, i come from far wealthy and harmonic family, im good at cooking and caring my family. she calls me, send my family foods to try, and expecting me to join all their family gathering (otherwise my fiance get question why im not coming).deep in my heart i want to live by our own, which my fiance knows but he cant do anything to obey his mom's order. his mom said she will reject our marriage if we dont live with her. who else would care for them. fyi, he has 2 married older sister who are still depend on his parent. one who even still live at other house own by his parent. they both dont live with their in laws. even his mom dont get along with her mil before and they dont live together. so based on this history,all the girl in his family dont live with their in law. so why she is so egoist to urge us to live with her.because of this, i gradually resent her. i think she is so self minded. i also cant count on my fiance. he is not fully dependent financially. he cant afford to buy a house and he feels the need to give back since his parent raised him.we argue a lot about this. i even give him solution by living in my house (my parent would give me house after we marry) or living at other house for a couple months for transitition which he reject.i feel nobody understand me and my fiance isnt loving me like before. we argue too much, break up several times and it makes us growing apart. he thinks i cant accept him fully and a nag. i think he doesnt really care about what i feel and his feeling for me faded. his mom is preparing for our wedding and aggresive about the preparation. i feel the urge to pull back and i get depressed thinking about my future living there. im not saying she is bad person, just not considerate. im planning to tell her straight about what i wish ( live by our own) and i show her im not really excited about our wedding which theres many people involved in. sometimes i get so angry thinking about why she is so egoist and sometimes i feel im grateful to have her because not all in law will treat me like she did.im just afraid she get even more controlling and dominating. its still the beginning and im afraid that down the road it will worsen and i will live in hell like other woman living with in laws feel. i know my parent are worry about my future living with in laws as my mom didnt and therea stories and experiences out there where woman live desperately day by day with their in laws. i dont want to make my parent worry about me although all their worry is realistic. i just want to make them happy.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 December 2016):
 Without all the stress off your living arrangements do you think you both would still be arguing all the time? It sounds to me like you both should not be getting married. You both want different things. He does not show you love. You argue all the time. You may love him but really is that enough?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2016): I would advise you not to go through with the marriage. It's very obvious that he will put his parents first and his mother knows this.
You don't need a man like this who is tied to his mother, he needs to grow up and he's not thinking about you at all he just wants to please his mother. Believe me it will be like he has two wives, leave him with his mother.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 December 2016):
 Forget for a moment about the problem of having to live, against your wish, with your in laws... ( not that it's a small problem , it's a big one )... but : 1) you and your bf are fighting all the time 2 ) you broke up several times, so it's is an on/ off, unstable, volatile relationship 3) he thinks that you are a nag and that you don't accept him 4) you think that he does not care about your feelings ( which, btw, from what you say is most probably true - HIS and his mother 's feelings come way before yours ) and that his love for you has faded 5 ) he is not financially independent, and will be under his parents' heel, financially and also emotionally, for God only knows how long.
And, pardon me but... you are getting married why exacrly ?!... That's not a marriage, that's a recipe for disaster. That's train-wreck waiting to happen.
You want to make your parents happy ? Your parents will be happy only if YOU will be happy. You will not be happy if you stubbornly insist going ahead with your wedding plans, regardless of what your heart tells you, and regardless of what plain common sense says. I also feel that you would not be able to put up a brave front forever, and pretend that everything is just fine in your love life - it is not fine at all already now,- after marriage, and cohabitataion with a bossy, old fashioned MIL, it can only get worse !!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2016): How long would you be living there? That would be the make or break factor for me. I could probably handle a year or so before I'd need to move out. I think part of marriage is learning to compromise your smaller comforts for the bigger picture (family unity etc). But once the line is crossed from "small comfort" to "personal convictions" you're giving up on who you are for this. Don't do that. So if living with his family for a year or so is just a small discomfort then sure go ahead with it. But search yourself, if you're going to grow to resent him for this, stop yourself before you do it. How far are you willing to go to avoid it? Not get married? He needs to know exactly how important this is to you. If his parents are in good health there is no reason for him to pick their preferences for his marriage over his wife's. You are half of the marriage. Not 1/4...HALF, so make sure you set the stage now that you are not to be pushed into a lifetime of decisions. Once you let him push you into this situation you don't want...then he will continue to push you into more and more situations without regard for how you feel. For the rest of your life.... is that what you want? Is it worth the marriage to spend the rest of your life unable to make any more decisions on what you want to do?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2016): in the UK it is not usual to live with your in laws after you marry (unless they are very old or disabled and need care at home). Personally I would not want to live with my in laws, not because I don't get on with them, but because I need my own space. I think it is for your future husband to tell his mother that you will not live with her once you are married. if he does not do this, then you will need to decide whether you still want to marry him. If it is bad it is now, the odds are, it will only get worse once you marry. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2016): I am not going to claim to understand the complexities of your situation as I am not Asian and in my culture living with parents is unusual. However... when your husband is financially secure could you all jointly buy a much bigger house perhaps with an annexe where you can live together but more independently. Have your own space but respect family wishes?
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