A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Please can you help me decipher what is going on in this man's head and where did it all go wrong? Sorry, if it's long but I need to document all the facts.A year ago I meet a man through a mutual friend. He adds me on Facebook and sends me a message asking if he can buy me a drink. I say no.Months later I bump into him when out a couple of times. We talk and exchange pleasantries. That's all.I continue to bump into him (mostly at the local pub). One night (my birthday) he sends a drink over to my table for me. Very nice!Next time I see him, he is on his own so I ask if he would like to come sit with me and my friend. He stays all evening. Walks me home. Comes in JUST for coffee and hugs and gives me a kiss on the cheek goodbye. Perfect!After he contacts me on Facebook and gives me his number. I give him mine. He texts me and asks me out for a drink.I meet him for a drink. He kisses me goodbye (on the lips!) and says he will see me soon.He texts me later that evening and again the next day. He texts again later in the week and asks me out for dinner.We go for dinner on the Friday night. He kisses me goodnight. Texts the next day. Asks if I'm free that evening and turns up at my house with bags of shopping to cook for me - hurrah! We had a great night (I did NOT have sex with him, we just kissed).Again he contacts me after to say thanks for a nice night. A couple of days later he contacts me again and we make casual plans to see each other on Friday. I tell him I am free from 5.30pm onwards (meaning I would like to meet him shortly after that time). On the Friday it gets to 6pm and I haven't heard from him so I send him a text asking him to confirm if he is still on for tonight. No reply so I decide to go out with my friend instead. 15 minutes later he rings me and says he's just left off work and heading home for a shower. I explain I have made other plans and he tells me he will come and meet me wherever I am. I tell him not to bother as I won't be out long. Later that evening my friend goes home so I go and look for him at his favourite pub. He told me that I hadn't given him a fair chance to get in touch this evening. I agree, apologise and then we go for a romantic moonlit walk. All seems well.At the end of the night he kisses me and we agree to meet on the Sunday. On the Sunday I had a life changing event happen to me when someone very close to me died. I saw my guy later that evening and I was clearly very upset. He told me that I needed my family and friends around me and that he wasn't able to support me as he had been through something similar and he knows that it's a time to be with family and friends who know me well.He texts me the next day to see if I'm ok and a couple of days later I bump into him at the pub. He spends the entire night with me and my friend and kisses me goodbye (on the cheek) saying he will be in touch.That was two weeks ago and since then - nothing, NOTHING! Please can anyone shed an light on why he has done a disappearing act? Is it because I made other plans to see my friend on the Friday night, or is he giving me space to deal with my loss - or maybe using this as an excuse to break up with me. I'm so confused!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): I think a year of chasing you, no sex and no initiative from you, yet he still tries kind of says he is in to you.
I think you've taken the worry of being too needy or too pushy way too far OP and as far as it being a defence mechanism then you also need to be able to take a risk.
Text him, see how he is and ask him if he'd like to meet up sometime soon. There's nothing needy about your behaviour in fact in my view you are too closed off. If he's backing off then it's time for you to step up and make some effort.
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (9 November 2010):
 It may be that he thinks you're too much like hard work. How were you when you were together? Were you chatty, friendly and talkative?
Personally, I think he's letting you heal. He's possibly waiting on YOU to make the next move if you're still interested and is waiting on you to call or text him.
DO IT!
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, Viv Acious +, writes (9 November 2010):
....you could add him to the 'HUH??' list. The 'HUH??' list covers all dates, romances that go extremely well (no matter how long or short they are) and then, for no known reason, you never hear from that person ever again. It really is a time of.... 'HUH??'.
I don't know what happened there. Just text him and find out. It could be that he just got knackered of chasing you around and thought y'know, enough is enough. Without wishing to sound in any way rude, by reading your description, it really seemed that he was doing all the running around. Why not ask him our to dinner?
best of luck to you...xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking the time to give me such a detailed answer. It has crossed my mind that maybe I have given an impression that I wasn't as interested as I truly am. I find it very difficult to express how I feel and I wonder if I have a tendency to push people away before they get too close - kind of a defence mechanism to avoid getting hurt. I really like this man, as you say he seemed to be a really nice guy but a lot of advice I have read suggest that if a man doesn't contact you it's because he's not into you. I don't want to appear needy or pushy.
Thanks again x
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (9 November 2010):
 Your answer could be yes, yes, or yes. I'd recommend sending him a text message to find out. It is okay for you to initiate that contact. This would have been much easier to answer if the last contact you two had was having sex, because we could have labeled his actions as that wat s what he was after. With that not being the case, and the chain of events, such as you experiencing the loss, I'm actually stumped to what his motive or actions may be saying. It could be that he felt blown off, and is backing off, or it could be his giving you space to heal. As I've said, the best thing to do is to send a text or call and find out what's going on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): Just text him and ask him.
You seem to be playing by some kind of weird rules if you don't mind me saying, you took his comment that he'll be in touch very literally and now you're sitting there wondering what happened.
"I tell him I am free from 5.30pm onwards (meaning I would like to meet him shortly after that time)" really? it means that? Because when someone tells me that I assume any time after that but not too late. If you wanted him to contact you at a certain time you should have said that time.
You know what I noticed when I read your question, he's doing everything, he's doing all the contacting and all the chasing. The only time you text him in your question was to find out why he didn't contact you at 6 after magically figuring out that's the time you meant for him to call.
No offence OP but it seems like everything is on your time, how you want it done and you're not actually making much of an effort at all to contact him or set up dates. If I was him I'd really think you're just not interested at all. Sure you have a great time together but in the rare times he sees you he has to set up everything and if things don't go exactly how you think they should you'll just up and make other plans instead with no consideration to him at all. Such as what you did friday night. It was half an hour after the time you said you'd be free and you only contacted him to tell him you had made other plans instead, after half an hour?
Now I don't know why he hasn't contacted you, perhaps it's because he knows how it feels to experience a great loss and the fact you're so hard to get to do anything he might be afraid of pestering you. This guy seems nice OP, he surely would love to hear from you he seems patient and dedicated to getting to know you.
It's also possible he's just jaded from doing everything and not getting the same effort in return. Perhaps he feels you just don't like him or something, because while it's all well and good having a girl make us chase her, there is a limit and even the most patient guys will move on to a woman that isn't so hard to connect with. Look at all the things he's done, most women would kill to be treated that way and while you do appreciate it in sentiment your actions tell a different story.
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