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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have been in this relationship for 4 yrs now. Everything has been going well. But last week while doing laundry I noticed some staining if you will in my man's undies. Ok I know that doesn't mean much, it can happen. But then one of his underwear is gone. I know there was nothing wrong with them and he didn't throw them away here at home. This is the 4th pair to go missing in 2 yrs. Do I mention them? I can understand one but 4? It's really bothering me. To help here is a little background info. He has had affairs with multiple women in his previous relationships and I believe he did in the beginning of ours with his ex who is no longer in the picture. To make a long story short, it was hell in the beginning but with faith and a strong will to believe in us, we have come out strong as a couple. We just moved and finally have a home together. We are not married, just common law. He works 15mins away but is in public works so his job takes him all over. I have noticed that he is also shaving more often than usual and not only just his face..lol. Am I a psycho and taking this to the extreme? or do I really have something to worry about here? He is absolutely awesome with me at home and our relationship has never been better. This is why I am so confused. Any advice sure would be appreciated. thanks for your time.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (3 November 2011):
You need to talk, but not like you display your lack of trust, which is understandable. I never lost my underware, ever, maybe if someone had really wanted them for a keep sake? ? but that would be wierd. Maybe the vacuum cleaner is responsible? But, the change in grooming habits? that is a bit unusal, especially if the change was sudden. But you did talk with him so was there anything in the way he answered that didnt feel open and truthful? He could just have done it for you. If your relationship is good he wont need to find others, so dont assume he will just because he has in the past.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 November 2011):
 I personally do not believe once a cheater always a cheater. My father cheated on my mother once. She forgave him and 9 years later she died in his arms (I was there) and the man cried for the first and only time in his life... he never cheated on her again. He's been with the same woman now for 15 years and once committed he's never so much as looked at another woman as far as I know.
OTOH, behavior patterns tell us a lot. A man who has had FOUR marriages and has cheated in THREE of them has a behavior pattern too strong to ignore.
IF you don't want to know and don't want to confront him and want to look the other way, then you need to let this go.
IF you dont' have PROOF but you have a bad feeling, you should tell him you need to TALK and let him know what you feel and think. Be prepared however for him to have a "reasonable" excuse for all his behaviors as he has already done.
Does he have a cell phone you have access to? check the phone numbers in and out of the cell phone...
The truth to me is this:
EVEN if he's NOT cheating, you do NOT trust him. Is this how you want to live?
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female
reader, bebe87 +, writes (2 November 2011):
 So let’s say he is cheating, hypothetically speaking of course. What would that have ANYTHING to do with the fact that his underwear has gone missing? I honestly think you are over reacting. What he has done in his past should be left in his past. You choose to be with him knowing that he has a line of cheating. Whether you believe he will be faithful or not, well that’s your decision to trust or not. But the whole underwear thing is just absurd and a little weird that you are keeping track of how many he has. That strikes me as strange. Let the man have a little bit of privacy in that department for god sake without worrying if he is cheating.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 November 2011):
 In all of my life, I have never lost my underwear. I have thrown them away, tore them (speculations as to methodology are left to the reader), but never "lost" them. That sounds odd. But his shaving down there is what seems odd.
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male
reader, mr sad +, writes (2 November 2011):
Heres what i think , have you ever herd history repets it self , this is a hard truth , once hes cheated once , he ll do it again , 99 percent of the time , shitty human behaviour , not much i can say that you dont all ready know , reality sucks , your better than that , dump him , find some one who loves you and has old fashion values , been through it , heart ack and bull shit , good luck ... mr sad
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo So Very Confused. You said you wouldn't notice 4 pairs of underwear missing. I know it seems strange for me to know that but it's because my husband is retired from the military and 2 of 4 of those specific ones are gone. The two other were brand new we bought at a store while together and all of a sudden they were gone too, those being 2 yrs ago. I don't want you to think I am a psycho lol. Just wanted to add that. When I asked about one I had noticed awhile back he said he didn't know. We had been travelling and said we might have left them behind. But I know that's not true because we had them when we got home (I did luandry). I want to ask him about them for sure but like you stated I guess I am scared of the answer. He does work outside all day long and thought maybe he had an "accident" where he just chucked them but after 4 pair this is what haunts me. Do you believe the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater"? His wife and ex-common law wife (there were 3 before me) he cheated on. That is factual. The 3rd said not to her knowledge. I wanted to believe we were different because of his civilian life with me. He seems so happy and would give me the moon if I asked for it. He tells me he loves me all of the time and is good to me. As for the shaving, well he has done it very often for me, but usually on weekends which is when we are usually "together" meaning when we make love. And he shaves his face only once usually during the week maybe twice. But lately he's been doing it more regularly. He said it's because the winter is coming and his skin is changing and it's itchy as soon as it grows in so he's shaving more often. This is why I don't want to jump to conclusions. I read yesterday online that you should only confront a person if you have real evidence that you can back your accusations with. I don't. Just odd incidents. No I am not making excuxes for him, but I don't want to jeapordize anything before I know for sure. Do you understand? I have been wrong about things in the past and thankfully never said anything because it would have backfired in my face. So this is why I posted my question here for feedback. Your advice is to confront him right away? What if there is a valid explination though? And I throw out an accusation and it makes things ugly for nothing? Thanks for you quick reply and hope I can get more replies because right now my head is spinning.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 November 2011):
Trust your gut. If you believe him to be cheating you need to talk to him about it.
Truth be told, changes in grooming patterns can indicate a new romance.
I don't know about Canadian law but here in the few states that still recognize common law, a divorce is still required. And very few states here recognize it and it's not about time together... so just making sure you are following the legal guidelines for common law in your country with your definition.
I think that part of the reason folks post here is that they want us to confirm what they already know but are afraid to confront their partners about.
So what scares you, the fact that he may tell you the truth or the fact that he may lie and you are not sure you will believe him?
IF he says "NO I'm not cheating i just thought I'd try it out" (about the grooming) will you ask him why he didn't ask YOUR opinion of it? When he tells you he has no clue about his underwear (and I have to say I have no idea how many pairs of underpants my man has so I would not notice 4 missing pairs over 2 years) will you accept that or will you still wonder if he's LYING
IF YOU don't trust him (and clearly you do not) is it worth the pain? It may be for you. If it is how do you wish to proceed?
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female
reader, cinc71 +, writes (2 November 2011):
 Hi,
You should follow your female intuition. If it looks like bad news it probably is... You deserve better, maybe time to move on. Good luck! :)
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