A
female
age
41-50,
*adgirl1983
writes:Ive lived with my husband for 8 years. We had our first child this year. I work full time and so does he. Before we had a child, I did all of the housework, yardwork, clothes and dinner myself with no help. Now that we have a baby, I have very very politely and kindly been asking for help around the house. Ive noticed that he cannot just look and see what needs to be done, that i have to ask him o do certain things or he wont. Yesterday was his day off. He is off through the week, and I am off on the weekends. I do all the housework I can around the house, but the problem is have the baby when im off. On his day off he doesnt have the baby. This was the case yesterday. HE asked me what I needed done, and when I got home none of it had been done. HE had spent all day buying a deer rifle and shooting it at a gun range. All of his other days "off" I ask him to clean the house for an hour or two, he conveniently finds ways to get out of the house so he can get out of doing it. I would understand if i didnt work, but I do. Why is he so reluctant to help me? Do i say something, or did i screw up by doing everything to begin with and he still expects it from me? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (3 November 2011):
 It sounds like your husband has gotten into a bad habit. You were quite capable of doing all the housework on your own, but now that you have a child, it would appear, that it broke the proverbial camel's back.
I think you do need to sit down with your husband in a non-confrontational way and without getting into an argument or playing the blame game, tell him how overwhelmed you are and how you need help. Tell him that it is getting harder and harder to keep up with the demands of the household. Offer to come up with a weekly chore list of things that need to be done. He can take responsibility, for instance, in X, Y and Z and you can be in charge of A, B, C.
Some other things that you can try:
1) The person who makes the least amount of money quits working to focus on raising the child and maintaining the house. In days gone by, this was done so that the child could be raised by the family (not daycare). This may require a lot of cutting of spending, but your child will be better off in the long-run.
2) Pop up for a maid. See if you can find $50 - $100 every week or two weeks for a maid to come in and vacuum and clean. Or even get lawn service. I am not sure of your financial situation, but if you have this extra money, it could offer a bit of piece of mind and a few extra hours of sanity.
3) Relax your standards: You don't need to vacuum every day, for instance. Maybe you could do chores just on the weekend. The house doesn't need to be spotless every night -- just maintained. Learn to live with a bit of a mess -- it's not the end of the world.
Communication will be key here, but the two of you should work out a plan together and honor it with each other so that no one feels overburdened.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): well you have to admit you played a part in creating this situation because you established the status quo that he doesn't have to do any housework. he's just going by the rules you had originally created (even if you didn't willingly do it but still you did it). Of course now you want to change the rules, and he doesn't.
behavior doesn't change overnight, so be patient. Remind him to do the chores if you have to, but refrain from showing anger or irritation. After all, after 8 years of not lifting a finger at home, it will take a while for him to get into a new habit.
But if you've been patient and reasonable for a long time and he still isn't pulling his weight, then I suggest you stop doing the housework that applies to him. E.g. you do your own laundry and the baby's, but not his. You do your own dishes, but not his. He needs to realize that if he doesn't do the work, it doesn't get done. And if it doesn't get done, there are real world consequences (no clean clothes to wear, no clean dishes to use when he wants to eat). If he's been accustomed to everything being done for him and not even having to think about it, he may be so out of touch with reality he doesn't know it's possible to not open his closet and automatically find a clean shirt.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 November 2011):
 Yes! to making "honey-do-lists!"
Sit him down and divide the chores. Make a nice list of each of you and stick them on the fridge.
Tell him, THIS is what I need you to help out with. And IF he doesn't get it done.. Ignore it and do your own "chores". Hopefully he will pick up that "hint" and do his. If he doesn't TELL him (without nagging)
I DID "spoil" my husband when we first got married, we had no kids and a small house, cleaning took 30 min a day tops. Doing laundry was fast - only two people and so forth.
Now we have 3 kids and a much bigger house. I still do 90% of the stuff around here, but... things like laundry.. If HE (or the kids) can't hit the hamper.. I can't wash the clothes. If you can't pick up your toys and I need to vacuum, guess what? your toys end up on the trash.. and so forth. The kids are doing great at it, hubby.. not so much lol. But I'm still trying.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 November 2011):
 When he asks what needs to be done do you TELL him or do you WRITE A LIST.
I can't always see what needs to be done.. my boyfriend is in charge of making up the lists of things to be done and we split them.
I suggest drawing up a schedule of things that have to be done and when and making sure he knows his assignments (and he knows yours as well)... and when you get home from work... after you change and kiss him etc.. you can have "check in" and report what you did with your day...
IF he did NOTHING on his part of the list, get him to say why and ask him how you can help him better manage his day so his stuff gets done earlier as now you have no time with him because his chores need to get done" then do not do them! it sucks and you may have to look the other way but he has to learn that his repsonsibilities are his not yours.
and while it seems wrong, I offer LAVISH praise and thanks when my partner does something "thank you so much for emptying the dishwasher" or "thanks for taking out the trash"
yeah I'd like a "thanks for cleaing the toilet" or something but I know it's not going to happen.
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