A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am looking for some advice from all of you. So far I have used this forum quite a few times and got very sound advice. Thank you!My LD boy friend and I had a massive fall out last night. So much so that he said if I carried on it was over. During our relaionship I have been really insecure and paranoid. So much so that it has pushed him away from me. I never realised the severity of this until he threatened to end it with me last night. I have been awful to him and not respected him taking my own feelings as more important. Keeping repeating episodes over and over, constant calling and generally making a nuisance of myself when there is an issue in my head. I thought I was getting mixed signals from him and his wants and desires for our realtionship but they were only mixed because I had caused them to be with my behaviour. Making him not look forward to talking to me, not feel romantic towards me etc making me not the person he fell in love with. All the things that were dissapearing that I loved about us is my fault. I have started to see a counsellor only last week so I am actively seeking helping for my personal issues. However now they dont seem to feel as important to me anymore. Things have been put into perspective, like a cloud lifting in my brain.Why has it taken me getting so close to loosing him for me to see this? Why could I not see the bigger picture before? I sent him a text last night saying that I had realised all these things and I was sorry I could not see them before and that it had taken this for me to see. All the things I love about him I have been pushing away with my behaviour when all I wanted was him closer to me. I know he will probably see this as empty words but it is the truth. I dont want to make myself miserable any more. I want to enrich his life and make him happy as he does with me. How long should I leave it before I contact him? I dont want this to be over. He has not said it is officially, so I still have a glimmer of hope. Is there any way to go forward from this? to show him I am still the girl he fell in love with. I feel I should wait for him to contact me and give him space but then I am so desperate to talk to him. I dont want him to think that I dont want to fight for this realtionship. What is the best thing? Does anyone have experience of this, what did you do, did it work out in the end? Any thoughts would be so gratefully recieved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to update you all on this situation. We had a huge talk via skype and he can see where all my issues are stemming from and that his short temper of understanding them had only made it worse.
He knows now that I can see the bigger picture. I have hd many pressures latley, my Dad has cancer of which he was diagnosed within the 1st two weeks of meeting my bf, being strong for my family has been hard. I have lost a lot of friends as they do not feel my relationship appropriate at this time with my father so ill. But how can you help who you fall in love with. And also the distance between us is so frustrating. He is also very busy at work and feels he cant give the attention I need.
He told me that he loves me very much and was hoping that I would go back to normal and calm down. Understand that he loves me and wants to be with me and just enjoy. I was not letting him in when is came to things with my Dad and he wants to help me. As I was thinking that I wouldnt burden him all he wanted to do was help and support me. All of my frustrations were venting themselves in the wrong way.
I know all of my wrong doings and never again will be the same. It has taken nearly loosing him for me to realise what I have, a loving and supportive bf who wants to be with me and help me with important things. Wants to make the gap between us smaller and for me to let him love me, the real me.
Thank you to every one that gave advice it has been so helpful. Good luck to everyone. And if anyone else feels as I did please realise what your doing and try to see the reasond why, as my root causes were way deeper than I thought. Get help, talk, communicate, listen, respect others and dont let it go too far as you may end in pushing away your partner forever. I was very lucky indeed that this was not the case.
A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (2 November 2011):
You may be just a little fed up at the moment. You or no one can just suddenly change or change someone. If he comes back,the same will soon follow. Yes I do have experience of this,and whatever you think at this low moment,the truth is that people who place their own feelings above others,most of the time dont even know when they are doing it.Real love puts the others feelings first or at the very least equal. If I was you,I would let him breath and during that time work on yourself. The honeymoon period is over and the person he fell in love with is the same person you are now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): To want to change things is not a sign that you are happy. It is a sign that everything is wrong. I would leave this where it is and concentrate on your confidence before attempting anything. The negatives will still be there and you should think whether or not you not wanting to be alone is more the problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): of course things were wrong. i would let him go and give yourself the chance of eventually finding someone who will be right.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): You havent said enough. I would think you need to think more about the meaning of the word happy. He doesnt make you happy. Far from it.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (2 November 2011):
 You need to put in more details of your behavior. It could even be that he is more at fault than you. I will presume you are talking about your own insecurity issues and not anything to do with betrayal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): It is contradicting itself. You want to enrich and make him happy like he does you? You behaved like someone who was far from happy. If he wasnt good enough for you then,he wont be now. Taking your own feelings as more important is what you did and is still doing now. He wants a normal life so let him have one. Men walk out when they are not heard. If women listen or are willing to try,they will fight to keep their relationship. If they are wasting time trying,they leave.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 November 2011):
 Ok i need more info...
you guys are LD...
did you meet online?
have you met in person? if so how often do you get together?
how long have you been together?
when were you planning on closing the distance?
you have sent him a text that was a very important critical part of your relationship. TEXTING should NOT be used for these things. Phone calls or emails are better. I realize that you already did this an we can't take it back but you dont' even know if he got the text
I would give him a few days or a week or so to think about it.
The fact that you even say "I am so desperate to talk to him" does not bode well.. he will pick that up.
Desperation is never attractive.
FWIW I am 51 and just ended an LDR but we ended it by having my fiance move down to my state. We were LDR for just under a year....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): you havent said enuff. if you have been mistreating him for years and now he`s had enuff then the girl he fell in love with does not exist. the chances are,if he came back it would only be a matter of time before your real personality shows itself again, and the cycle starts again. i cannot make this story out. why do you believe now that he makes you happy? if he made you happy then you would not have been in this situation and it just may be that you dont enjoy being on your own.
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (2 November 2011):
 Hello,
How far are you (distance) living apart? Is there a chance of a meet up? Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): I'm much younger, but I have been in a very similar situation just recently. We're not in a long distance relationship, however he's just finishing his last year of school, I graduated last year, and I haven't coped well with it. Just as you described, I was all the same as you, thought his mixed signals were something else but not realising it was my constant nagging and worrying that was doing it.Luckily for me, it wasn't so severe that he lost interest in me and having a relationship with me, he just lost interest in being around me as much as he could because I wasn't the girl he fell in love with anymore, I was, but I wasn't unhappy, and no matter what he tried, I was always still miserable.And then one night it just hit me, what I was doing, I didn't understand I was crowding him so much, he needed space, and I was ruining everything if I didn't start giving it. I thought I was going to lose him, and upon realisation, I sent him a message letting him know I had realised what I was doing, and how I was acted, and how I needed to stop it, for my own happiness, for his, and for the sake of our relationship and future.The message I sent was really long, I just explained why things had been how they had been, how I had felt, but how I was aiming to change these things, how to change my mindset, I've always been such a negative person, but I just wanted to be the happy, girl who he fell in love with that was full of life. I then gave him a bit of space, he was so busy with school he didn't get a chance to talk, and never said anything about the message. I then saw him on the weekend, and asked him about what he thought of what I said. He was relieved, so very relieved and happy that I had realised I was crowding him. It was still a little rocky after that, but thing's are finally looking so much better, I've still been getting through my own personal problems, I think continueing seeing a counseller will really help you, because you need to clear your mind up if you wish to sort this dilemma out in your relationship.But if he loves you, and you are both willing to work on this, then you can get through it. Just get your head in the right place, and ENJOY the time you have with him, limit the amount that you contact him, you don't want to crowd him with messages and phone calls. Just give him a bit of space, and ease back into the relationship with a fresh new start and mindset about the dynamics of your relationship.It'll seem a little hard, but don't beat yourself up about what you have done, yes you may have caused a lot of what happened to happen, but it's not really your fault, these things happen. Goodluck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo there is no cheating or lying involved quite simply me thinking a im not good enough, not liking my size, not being able to handle his friendship with his ex. Finding something wrong all the time and always worrying that he would leave me. Instead of enjoying what I had and developing it. I was always finding the negatives and picking things apart. In my brain i thought that if I found all the bad things and made them right things would be perfect. When really there was nothing wrong with it in the first place. And all I was doing was pushing him further away and wearing him down to this point we are at today.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): You have said very little about the issues surrounding this or how serious they are. If cheating,lying etc wasnt involved you may be able to salvage it.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (2 November 2011):
 Oh wow. I can't wait to see what other people post here. I'm in nearly the same situation. We need to keep lists of all the good & positive things they do for us & to rationally discuss with them the stuff that bothers us. It's so hard to keep our thoughts & feelings in check. And it varies from day to day, the things that will set us off and how well we can handle them. Hold to hope. If he didn't officially end it, there's still something worth saving. Be calm & rational. Good luck & give an update on what happens.
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