A
male
age
41-50,
*inky75
writes:Hi all,I have met this woman she's 39 and I'm 38, things had been going really well over the last month or so but then she told me she has fallen in love with me and would love to spend her future with me, I'm not scared off or anything but she has now also become very hot and cold regarding our future, my commitment, our time together, texting and even phone calls.I would assume at the 3 month stage we would be pretty open to communication at most times of the day except when work is busy or regarding children's time.I think it may have been because I wasn't keen on introducing our children to early into the relationship and I told her putting a timer on when we need to be living together is to much pressure.She had broken up with her ex 1 and a half years ago as he was a serial cheater and very controlling and she caught him in there bed with another woman, they had two kids together and were together for 10 years.I'm struggling with the ups and downs of what she wants from me. Some days she is positive and tells me she loves me and we are great together, then the next day she is questioning how I feel about her.I really do like her a lot but it's leaving me feeling happy one day then sad the next when she's confused, I feel she is not ready but because I am a nice guy she doesn't want to lose me to someone else. I was thinking of asking her if being friends may be better for us?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 April 2014):
 Asking her to be friends instead of a couple is like a slap in the face. So I wouldn't do that.
I think holding back on introducing the kids is SMART and the RIGHT thing to do, personally, I would never introduce my kids til the 9-12 months mark and I CERTAINLY wouldn't move in with someone til after the 12 months mark and ONLY if the relationship was running smooth.
I think she can't see the forest for all the trees. She has all these ideas that because she loves you everything will just FALL into place. That is not how things work.
Red flags are already popping up after ONLY 3 months. For me, PUSHING to be a big happy family and PUSHING for living together are both red flags.
I note that you feel like walking away, because more and more stuff comes out of the woodwork that you aren't agreeing with. I'd say, I would sit her down and tell her HOW you want to move forward and see if she thinks it's compatible. If there can't be some middle-ground here or she isn't willing to compromise, I'd walk away now.
I don't think the issue is about her not being ready, I think the issue is she wants everything to happen NOW, she isn't willing to wait and really get to know you.
I don't think you can know a person after 3 months.
You are questioning this relationship and I think that is your gut telling you that she might not be what you are looking for.
A
female
reader, tibob  +, writes (13 April 2014):
 Due to her past she has become very vulnerable. A person who is happy one minute and unhappy the next may be deppressed. She wants to be reassured that you love her as she needs reassurance. At three months its too early to talk on moving together. If you tell this woman that now you want to be friends, she will feel rejected and will be shattered. If you really like her open communucation can help both of you. She still needs to be sureof your feelings as at three months she does not yet have the reassurance that she needs
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (13 April 2014):
If you are not happy with how things are going, either speak to her and try to work it out or end the relationship completely. Do not ask her to be friends instead. All that will do is confuse her about your intentions.
This woman has been very badly betrayed and is now scared that history will repeat itself now that she's fallen in love with someone else. So she's testing you and looking for reassurance. If you are not someone who is willing to deal with her baggage and give her that reassurance (which is totally your right) then you need to end the relationship and explain to her the reason why.
At the end of the day, you either want to be with her or you don't, but the time for being friends was before anything romantic happened between you. You can't go back to that without seriously confusing matters and frankly that will mess up her emotions even more than they already are.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (13 April 2014):
 If you want me to be honest, it seems that this lady here may have some set backs due to her previous relationship.
If she is asking you constantly how you feel about her, it may be because she doesn't believe you love her, which can be due to her previous relationship as she was with a serial cheat, and for her trusting may well be a big ask.
It also just sounds like this entire relationship has been really rushed, I mean, you have only been together 3 months and she has already talked to you about moving in with you?
And I don't know why she's off with you if you didn't want to introduce your kids to her, as neither would a lot of people this early on.
It seems to me like this lady of yours has an urgency to rush things, it might be because as you said shes not ready and maybe shes just trying to pretend to be happy (and she doesn't want to hurt your feelings) or it could be because of her age she feels like shes running out of time when it comes to getting herself a romantic interest.
I personally think this lady may have some problems with has stemmed from her previous relationship with a serial cheat, and I think the best course of action is to sit her down and talk her through, ask her why she is hot and cold and as nicely as you can ask her if there is anything which is worrying her.
I think once you've had one of them heart to heart chats about where the relationship is going you may know if maybe being friends is the better option.
Good Luck x
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