A
female
age
30-35,
*am1512
writes:What do i do? I need some major advice cus im so confused. First of all im a 21 yr old wife ive been married for about 3 1/2 yrs now and we have a 2 1/2 yr old daughter. I admit i have a problem with cheating emotionally.I mean first of all i got married at 17. Thats way to young but thats no excuse! I mean me and my husband at the time had been dating for only 2 yrs then we got married and he didnt exactly propose we just kind of planned it and that was it. He admits he wasnt really in love when we first got married but that he's in love now. i didnt start emotionally cheating til about a little over a yr in our marriage. I started talking to a childhood ex i had at the age of 13 which lives in a different state. i only dated him for about a month but anyways we started talking online everyday and sometimes on the phone but just as friends then after about 2 months it kinda got flirty then about 5 months after talking to each other we reliazed we were falling for each other. I talked to him for about 2 yrs we had basically a relationship and honstly at first i felt very bad and selfish because i was confused but then after a while i ended up completely fallin in love with this man he came down and spent a weekend over were i live and i stayed with him and i went over to were he lives and spent sometime with him and i dont know ive never felt happier in my life with someone . Right now im sooooo confused though cus i thought i knew wat love was until i actually reliazed i truly fell in love but with that other guy. i want to just get seperated for a while so i can clear my head and figure out exactly wat it is i want. I just dont know if its the atttention i love from the other man or if i really am in love or if i should just work it out with my husband i dont wanna make the wrong decision all i want is to be happy and for my husband to get wat he deserves and also for my daughter to grow up with us both happy not just be with her parents together and have us miserable all the time. I also have to add i dont know if it has to do with him emotionally disconnecting from me and leaving me alone so much like he did almost the first 2yrs of our marriage because once he started always leaving me and never wanting to go with me anywhere i started lookin for attention elsewhere and well i got it. i want to go to a marriage conselor but i know he wont to he just doesnt believe in that ive already tried to go almost a yr ago cus we had problems but he wouldnt go I need some help and advice plz!!!
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female
reader, sam1512 +, writes (17 November 2010):
sam1512 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you everyone for your help during this time thats passed since i wrote this i discovered i wasnt in love with this other man it was just lust. Im really trying to change and work things out with my husband. Ive changes my cell number erased myspace facebooks everything so i would have no contact with no one from my past or future. I feel alot better hopefully i can change and so can my husband i told him i need him to be less obssesive and jealous and to pay more attention too me. i told him I felt alone all the time emotionally and well were working on it. So far so good lets see how it goes. Wish me luck!
A
female
reader, cheekyfriday  +, writes (12 November 2010):
I think when you said seperate for a bit, that is a good idea. Thats as simple as you get, your selfish no doubt about that one, but why is the man you have a baby so bad that you need to be a tart with some old flame? Clear your head!
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (12 November 2010):
This is why its tough when people get married at such a young age. Basically from 18 to 21, you're in a constant state of change. Life is evolving fast around you, you're becoming more aware, more intelligent, you get to experience new and more exciting things. When you throw marriage in the middle of that, you have two people trying to work things out, yet both of those people are constantly changing emotionally, so it tends to clash.
I would say that to just go with what your heart wants, except you have a daughter which changes everything... It would not be fair for the future of this child, so I think your marriage deserves as many chances as it takes to get better. But you need to talk. Issues don't solve themselves and men and women both are not mind readers. You need to talk often and communicate all of your concerns to one another, no matter how harsh and true they may be.
Keep in mind you're still so young. Your emotions are all over the place and after settling down in a marriage, I'm sure your heart is just begging to escape; to find someone new and exciting to make you feel alive. But you chose this man as your husband. Through sickness and in health, for better or worse, etc etc etc.
For the sake of your daughter your marriage needs this effort, from both of you. I hope that you can communicate your problems to each other and find a harmonious solution. Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): You're supposed to figure out if you're in love before you get married, not afterward.
I feel sorry for your husband. You basically started cheating only one year into your marriage so obviously you didn't take your committment seriously to begin with.
You claim your husband's lack of affection is the reason, but that's a lame excuse for cheating, and he deserves no blame for your infidelity. If there was a problem in the marriage, you should have worked on it and let him know you were unhappy.
And, no, age is not a good excuse either. I was only 17 when I got married. I thought of other men early in my marriage and was even very attracted to one of them, but I never acted on those feelings. I remained faithful, because I knew what was really important to me, my marriage and my child.
What you're feeling for this other guy isn't love. It's lust, and, most likely, your relationship with him won't last.
If you want to do the right thing now, leave your husband. He deserves better.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (12 November 2010):
 Talk to your husband and tell him that this marriage just does not feel right at all. You say he loves you and yet he will not indulge you in your interests or concerns? If he loves you, he has to prove it because right now you are not feeling much of it.
Stop contacting this other guy for the time being. Work on your marriage. You want to be happy, you want your husband to be happy but he has to help. Why not date each other again and go out for walks, just the two of you. Connect with each other.
If that does not work, I suppose you should separate and find happiness elsewhere. Should it come to that, try and maintain a good status quo with him for the sake of your daughter.
I hope that helps.
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