A
female
age
41-50,
*ovely Sweet Laura
writes:I have a friend who has been in love with me for the last 3 years. I have tried to be sensitive towards his feelings but it is getting to the point where I can't handle being the reason for his happiness or misery any longer. I have continually told him I only want to be friends and I have a boyfriend. The worst part about it is he is my boss and I have to see him every day. He is constantly coming around wanting me to ignore my work to chat with him and it is very frustrating. I am seriously considering looking for a different job which would be a shame because I like my current job... Has anyone ever successfully helped a friend get over them or get the message across in a nice way that their advances whether innocent or overboard are not wanted? any advice would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to mean but it is getting the point where I may have too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): (I posted twice, hit the send button too soon) He isn't treating you as a friend. If he was he'd respect your wishes to not be more than friends the very first time, but he's still pursuing you and frankly he is bothering you. You are too nice to him! You are trying to be good friends with him, but fact is, he's not trying to be your friend, and any time you spend with him he wants to take it further. So stop being nice to him. You gave him the chance but honestly: do you enjoy his "friendship" or is he an annoyance? I think he's only being nice to you because he has hopes of taking it further.
Break off the friendship thing unless you actually enjoy the pampering and constant courting. I've never had a friend who liked me that I didnt know what to say to, because everytime it got to a stage where a friend turned into wanting more, I cut them loose. Some of them came back to me as friends after they fell in love with someone else and got over me. Because only then could our friendship be just that: a friendship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): Stop being his friend. He clearly isnt trying to be your friend, so why should you be his?
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A
female
reader, Lovely Sweet Laura +, writes (25 November 2009):
Lovely Sweet Laura is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for the advice everyone~ this is so hard...I have already expressed my feelings and how I feel he is being unfair expecting more from me than I am willing to give yet he still keeps hanging on to his hope and I can see it when he looks at me and know he is looking for something ...I hate it. I can't concentrate on work and it has interfered with my personal life more than you can imagine. I also have to deal with jealousy from the other employees although that is of much less concern to me than problem with his unhealthy attachment to me. Here is an example-this happened this morning I know when he is a clingy mood because he comes out of his office and starts hanging around my desk. He was in just that mood this morning and was standing there just staring at me I didn't want to be mean but at this point I am so annoyed by it...at first when he would so this I would try to be nice chat with him a bit and hope a phone call would come in for him and I could get back to my work well today I tried to hint that he was wasting his time by saying "Are you just going to stand there and stare?" He quickly said why am I staring and I said yes you are and he then said sorry and retreated to his office-now he won't even look at me when he goes by or answer my work related questions via IM. A week ago a very similar situation played out where he called me-he was at home-just to talk and I was really busy and deadlines I needed to meet-while I was thinking about how I could tell him this without offending him he realized I wasn't being very attentive and asked if I was interested in what he was saying...I said I was but that I had a lot of work to accomplish-he hung up on me! I am at my wits end with this guy! He takes everything personally and even when I'm trying to be nice about things I get the short end of the stick...his friendship is meaning less and less to me everyday and now I am getting angry which is very rare for me as I am exceptionally patient and very kind hearted in my opinion. I'm really unsure about what to do. If I continue minimizing his feelings and not taking responsibility for how I make him feel he will end up hating me...it is not like me to be this way either but I feel he has left me with no choice. If he won't stop than how much does he really care about the friendship anyhow..and if he isn't worried about how it is affecting me why should I have to walk on eggshells just so I don't offend him I am very angry about it all now and I don't like feeling this way :(
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A
female
reader, madlib  +, writes (25 November 2009):
Doesn't sound like he has a clear idea of where his friend boundaries lie...if you are feeling uncomfortable at work then as his employee and personal friend you need to make him aware of why. You don't have to threaten or be a bitch, or have another person present, but sitting him down and explaining the type of work relationship you want to have with him vs outside of work is only fair to the both of you. There is nothing wrong with telling him that the distractions are making you unproductive and that you prefer to keep the talk at work at a minimum, that you work better that way and that you enjoy doing your job without interruptions...in his mind he probably is just using that time to try to get close to you..even if it is innocent on his behalf and he is trying to just be your close friend, as your boss he should and needs to respect your request.
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A
female
reader, LucieSmith81  +, writes (25 November 2009):
When things like this happen it can be very frustrating. I know from my own experience. You have to always stay sensitive no matter what. He is a friend and there is nothing more worse than loosing somebody who means alot to you. You have to sit him down and tell him straight. Tell him how you feel, how he is making you feel. This will give him a better understanding to what he is doing and making you feel. He has to realise that it is not fair on you. The fact he is your boss makes this more complicated - but you cant be scared, you have to be straight. honesty is the best policy. good luck!
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 November 2009):
Yes, it is getting to the point where you may have to be very firm with him, no matter what happens. You have the right to work in a job you enjoy without all this happening to you. He knows you're not interested and should respect that. I think you can afford to give him one more polite warning, then you may have to threaten to report him for sexual harassment. He isn't a gret friend if he's acting this way all the time.
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A
female
reader, Kendra0589 +, writes (25 November 2009):
 You are totally right! It may has to get to the point where you has to get mean. You've done nothing but try to be his friend despite his other intentions. You've told him you only want to be friends so you have to take other options. If it gets to that point find another job because small actions like this could lead to your friend being obsessed with you if he's not already it. There's nothing you can do to make him stop liking you, it will happen in soon time but don't wait around. Good Luck despite everything!
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