A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I cheated on my husband 2 years ago a few months before we got married. I had sex with another man one time (the biggest mistake of my life). Now he wants to make me feel the same way that I made him feel back then by having a threesome this weekend with another female. He wants to have sex with her while I watch but he expects me to just relax and enjoy myself, but I just keep thinking to myself if he does this: is it going to happen again, is this really going to make him finally forgive me for what I did to him, is it really going to fix my marriage with him? I don't know what to do. I love him to death I want to be there for him but what is going to happen to me and him after this? am I going to be able to trust him ever again or am I ever going to be able to forget about him doing this to me? I feel uncomfortable with this whole as is and I told him that but he still wants me to just relax and have fun with this whole thing I told him I would but I really don't know if I can? I need some advice what should I do and I feeling normal about this? He has been bringing up the fact that I have cheated every single time we end up getting into a small argument.
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cheated on my husband, sex with another, threesome Reply to this Question
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male
reader, sf69 +, writes (8 September 2009):
This threesome idea IMO is bad news. If you BOTH want to be happily marrried this is not the thing to do. It sounds as if he is very angry about the cheating (rightly so)But this is more than punishing you...This is risking the marrige and I think he will ultimately regret this mistake the way you regret cheating. The only diference may be the relationship wont survive this... Try to show your husband what has happened to other marriges when a third person is introduced...Always great pain and often divorce.good luck
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): I agree with most of Collaroy's advice except for one thing. He referred to this as a good cautionary tale about revealing past indiscretions. I would call it a good cautionary tale about doing the past indiscretions in the first place. Revealing things causes problems but I don't think lying about them causes any fewer problems.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (26 August 2009):
 I think this is a good cautionary tale for those who are consumed by guilt and looking for the opportunity to tell their spouses of their past indiscretions.
Most don't forgive, and unfortunately for you, your spouse wants to torture you.
He is doing this purely and simply to punish you. To make you feel as inadequate as he felt when you slept with another man.
I'm afraid this is not going to be the end of it, you can't change what has happened in the past, you can however decide your own future.
You need to tell your husband that you understand how hurt he is by your own infidelity, but no relationship can survive through one partner feeling the need to 'pay back' the other. You will only grow to resent him for putting you through this.
Counselling is the best bet to get all the anger out of him, and this is what's needed, he needs to expunge all the negative thoughts about your infidelity - it will be as good for him as it will for you.
I dare say it won't be this easy, but if you go down the road he is suggesting it helps no one. Refusing is the first step, getting him to commit to your future is another. He cant do this by bringing in a third party to make you feel bad.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (26 August 2009):
I think this is a good cautionary tale for those who are consumed by guilt and looking for the opportunity to tell their spouses of their past indiscretions.
Most don't forgive, and unfortunately for you, your spouse wants to torture you.
He is doing this purely and simply to punish you. To make you feel as inadequate as he felt when you slept with another man.
I'm afraid this is not going to be the end of it, you can't change what has happened in the past, you can however decide your own future.
You need to tell your husband that you understand how hurt he is by your own infidelity, but no relationship can survive through one partner feeling the need to 'pay back' the other. You will only grow to resent him for putting you through this.
Counselling is the best bet to get all the anger out of him, and this is what's needed, he needs to expunge all the negative thoughts about your infidelity - it will be as good for him as it will for you.
I dare say it won't be this easy, but if you go down the road he is suggesting it helps no one. Refusing is the first step, getting him to commit to your future is another. He cant do this by bringing in a third party to make you feel bad.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): Don't do this if you don't want it to happen. You did something wrong but that should not make you second-class for the rest of the relationship and always oweing him something.
He is wanting to play around but he's also trying to deal with his jealousy and hurt over your affair this way. Of course it won't work. (Nothing he tries ever will.)
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A
male
reader, Ifyoudontmind +, writes (25 August 2009):
He is being petty and Immature, if your relationship is strong, and clearly you have survived the infidelity it will pass. You can let go and move on. Being vindictive is not a means of conflict resolution.-IYDM
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (25 August 2009):
Hes using your cheating as an excuse to do whatever he wants in this marriage. That is not ok. Yes, you cheated, thats horrible, and in no way ok or right. But it doesnt give him the right to use it against you like he is. It doesnt give him the right to do the same thing back. Like they say, two wrongs do not make a right. Him having a threesom will not solve any of the problems. I dont know if he truly thinks that a threesom will make it 'even', or if he just wants to use your cheating as an excuse to fulfil his sexual fantasy of a threesom.
Either way, it wont help. It will make you feel like crap, horrible etc....but why would a husband want to make his wife feel like that? Yes you cheated and its normal for him to be angry and hurt etc, but for him to put those bad feelings onto you is not ok. The fact that he is wishing pain upon you is a bad sign that you oth obviously havent dealt with what has happen. Also a sign that he cannot get passed it. And some people cant- and that is understandable. But if he cant get passed it, he shoudlnt be in the relationship.
He then goes on to say he wants you to sit back and enjoy??? What the? One minute hes saying he wants to make you feel how he felt, the next you are supposed to enjoy it? Which is it? Something isnt right. Because he said both, its making me think that maybe its alot to do with him fulfiling his own sexual desires.
Either way, dont go ahead with it. I think you should both seek marriage counselling if you want to save this relationship.
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A
female
reader, a spades a spade  +, writes (25 August 2009):
OK, i'm confused, when did he find out you cheated? cos if it was before you get married then he should have forgiven and forgotten by now or just called the whole thing off.
Evening up the score as he puts it is not going to work, he's using this as a way to get back at you for something he has supposedly forgiven you for?!?!?
Did he sit passively by and watch you have sex with this other guy? I think not, so why would he want to force that experience on you?? and expect you to enjoy it?
You need to speak to him and find out if he just wants a threesome because he's curious, or because he wants to get back at you, i suspect its the latter...
I dont think this will make him forgive you, it will only prove to him how guilty you still feel, which he might get a kick out of, but more worryingly, he might start to think about what else he can get away with if he plays it up.
You say "fix" your marriage as well - are there any other problems or are they all stemming from this one thing that he won't forgive you for?
I dont think i could ever forget it, and i would probably end up being angrier with myself for going through with it.
The fact that he keeps bringin it up shows he's just not letting it go, and if he can't do that then its just not going to work, even if he "gets his own back!"
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A
male
reader, Sphronas +, writes (25 August 2009):
 "Now he wants to make me feel the same way that I made him feel back then by having a threesome this weekend with another female."and"I feel uncomfortable with this whole as is and I told him that but he still wants me to just relax and have fun with this whole thing."You're not making sense. First you say he wants to do this to punish you for cheating on him, then you say he wants you to relax and have fun. Which is it?Anyway, a threesome is always a bad idea unless all three people involved really want it.
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