A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm not quite sure what to do. My boyfriend (for want of a better word at this point) constantly bashes Muslims to the point where it's ridiculous. He justifies his hatred by saying that all monotheism is "bull" because he chooses to follow a kind of mishmash of witchcraft, buddhism and random pagan spiritual paths, which works fairly well for him. I understand his spiritual path and I think it's cool that he's found a way of life that works for him, but I refuse to understand how someone who can be so open-minded can agree with biased Western views that "Islam promotes violence and hatred".I choose not to follow any religion - I don't even know if I believe in God. My family are Muslim, but aren't crazy about it. They barely go to the Mosque (maybe once a year), but they celebrate Eid and fast every year during Ramadan (sort of like how Lent used to be).I know there's a strong anti-Muslim backlash in Holland and a strong anti-Middle-Eastern vibe in France, but it doesn't faze him. He actually understands this behaviour.It just gets me so upset that he thinks he's right, and when I tell him I need to get back to work (I work and study online), he yells and screams in my face at the top of his lungs, accusing me of "working to get out of the argument".He's bisexual, smokes weed, and is a witch. These are hardly the kinds of things my conservative parents would be happy with, so it's bad enough that they want to meet him (we've been dating for almost 3 years) without knowing what he's really like. I personally think that all spirituality is a waste of time for me, as I don't like to think about ways in which to regiment my lifestyle. He says it's not about that - that there ARE no rules, that most books really tell you this etc etc....but he refuses to believe that the terrorists and extremists that speak for Islam are NOT the true representatives of this religion.It's a shame, as, since I don't have a hatred of religion at all - I just have apathy towards it - that someone I love can turn out to be so much of a hypocrite. I don't agree with practicing religion for myself PERSONALLY, but I have the decency to RESPECT other people's personal beliefs. Does that mean I should condone his anti-religion (and in particular anti-Islam) tirades?He seems to get mad at me when I express my opinion even if he agrees with it - we were watching Michael Moore's 'Sicko' last night and I was getting mad about how the US has no universal healthcare, and me and my family (we all live in the UK, my boyfriend lives in the US) do. Other than break up with him, is there anything I can do?
View related questions:
muslim, smokes, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Seratuki +, writes (8 April 2008):
 Okay well..I practice Wicca..
so I thought I should chime in on this one...lol
First off. Oldersister, male Wiccans or Pagans are not warlocks..thats sort of a hollywood twist that got caught up in mainstream about wiccans.
:)
and secondly, In my opinion he's got his wicca all wrong! Wicca teaches tolorence and understanding, it's supposed to open you up to the world around you and make it easier to connect with yourself, because if you cannot connect with your own inner self you cannot ever hope to connect with someone else.
Seems he's lost his way there somewhere, and while I don't mean to belittle him or pass judgement, I wonder how much he really knows about his "wiccan" beliefs?
I find sometimes people say they're wiccan simply for the mystery of it..the hollywood appeal...
Strangely enough, I'm dating a Muslim born man, and although we never really had big discussions about it, and he's not an actively practicing Muslim, we have to respect eachother and learn to find the beauty in eachothers religions...If he can't even disagree with you without screaming maybe he needs to re-evaluate his "wiccan-ness"
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 April 2008):
 Dear poster, other than break up, there is nothing else I would do. He's obviously intolerant of anything that's not just like himself. Here is the key phrase, I guess: "He seems to get mad at me when I express my opinion even if he agrees with it". I had never heard about anyone like that. You can't even agree with him? And then, he is not exactly the man of anybody's dreams, either. Opinions about religion apart, I wonder how he can be that insensitive with you and your Muslim background.
I think the problem is not one of opinions or religion. This is a problem of a man who has serious problems. The question is, can you be with this man?
Maybe you should also have yourself among your considerations. Why do you let him treat you like that? What do you get from the relationship?
By the way, and just for the sake of clarity, I agree with Lazy Guy when he spoke about free speech. I personally wouldn't like your boyfriend, and I think the weed really got to his brain, but that shouldn't mean that he should be prevented from expressing his views. Also, that shouldn't prevent you from not liking you and dumping him.
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 Well you mention Holland, and intrestingly forget to mention France OR indeed Turkey.
Why these two countries? Well France has had the riots in Paris and has laws against headscarfes. Turkey is constantly struggling to keep itself secular (enforced by the military) against political parties that want to enforce sharia law (religious).
The "west" (and yes this includes Turkey) has more or less put religion to the side. Christianity is not practiced anymore and even the few that still do conveniently take an approach to it that doesn't get in the way of "modern" life. Jews aren't a large enough group to have much influence. Hindus and boedhists are even smaller and generally by their nature more tolerant.
The west (the US is oddly enough a bit of an outsider in this case) has turned secular and prospered as a result. Check what the renaissance was all about.
And all of sudden, there is Islam. 1 out of 16 dutch people follows this religion but this ain't spread out, it is 99% immigrants, this makes entire "poorer" areas muslim while the powers that be live in a white world. This has resulted in Holland into a problem called the Ivory tower effect. The people on the street see something different then what the media and politicians tell them.
It ain't all about muslims, the introduction of the EURO, the new EU constitution, the destruction of the free healthcare all play a part in a general dis-illusion among dutch people. Pim Fortuyn was about a lot more then just muslims although this got the most attention by the media (Dutch hollywood is "Het gooi", imagine hollywood with no blacks, no jews, no asians, no muslims just white people).
Holland used to be a liberal country, Amsterdam the gay capital of the world. Now teachers are afraid to teach about homo-sexuality or the holocaust out of fear for the reaction from muslim kids. "Black" school (majority muslims) are known for their poor achievements despite receiving more funds. The problems are legion but the powers that be have spend the last couple of decades with their head in the sand. The "movie" by Geert Wilders got the reaction from the dutch prime minister that he would rather focus on the postive elements, not the negative. Right, yesterday outside my window a car had a window smashed in by three youths, can you guess their skin color? It wasn't white, yellow or black.
There is a real dis-connect between what is happening on the streets and what the media and polticians say.
Your boyfriend is a side-effect of this. Remember, it is WESTERN society that allows him the freedom to be a witch. If the tried that in Iran he would be death in seconds. There is a case going on right now about a homo-sexual man from Iran who wants asylum because if he is send back he fears for his life. He doesn't fear being send to India, or Holland or the US or Canada or Japan or Greenland or Ireland or Russia. He fears being sent back to a muslim controlled country.
Doesn't that say it all? Well look at your own family, your family emigrated to the west. How many westerners wish to live in muslim controlled areas? If the west isn't a better place to life then why do so many muslims wish to come here?
Yes, extreme hatred of just a religion is bad, but what I think is even worse is closing our eyes to problems. Just as we shouldn't ignore problems in the catholic church when it comes to child abuse or the caste problem with hindus, we should not ignore the problems Islam creates either.
But now for your advice, FREEDOM of expression includes the freedom to HATE. If you TRULY believe that everyone should be free to believe what they want then this includes the believe that all muslims are evil. That is what freedom of expression means. Just as it is legal in the US to deny the holocaust (illegal in europe) it should be free to hate all of Islam.
The gay man I mentioned earlier tried to seek asylum in Holland as well, but was send back to the UK. Iran now wants to boycot dutch products over the Geert Wilders movie, why doesn't the dutch goverment have the balls to boycot Iran (we need them less then they need us) over their anti-gay laws? Because the powers that be are scared shitless of saying anything anti-islam.
I am old enough to remember when christians and catholics enjoyed the same air of untouchability. When anything bad was covered up and ignored. google "catholic child abuse" to see what this leads too.
Frankly I am glad to see Islam under attack finally, not the religion itself but the untouchable institution that could not be questioned for so long.
...............................
A
female
reader, lotsofgiggles123 +, writes (7 April 2008):
 first my dad is muslim and my mom is not but we liveyour bf is kinda well mean and if you say he is a witch why stay with him? maybe you should think bout that......:)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): wow, hes an American.. that explains a lot. i live in Canada, and here its a lot different. i was on a cruise ship recently, and i met a few Americans and became good friends with them, but there were a few things that REALLY bugged me about a few of them. they said bad things about Muslim people. i honestly think religion is all bull crap, and condemn all violent acts of fundamentalists, but i would never attack someone because of their religion. if someone wants to believe that theres someone in the sky watching everything they do always, and the universe was made for them, be my guest. the Americans i talked to though were very anti Muslim, even though they didn't even KNOW any. i know many, since i go to school in the city, theres a large middle eastern population. they are just like everyone else, and thats where Americans fail. they bought into all the hatred and scapegoating the American government has been doing to Muslims. i suggest teaching him some tolerance. if you can. let him get to know some Muslim people you know, it could definitely give you some leverage if you got into a fight. "but you don't think this about so and so?" some people are just passionate about what they believe.. he has to realize that his beliefs are probably not that different essentially from any other faith. so what, different names? some people just use their faith for an excuse to do things to people they hate.that my rant
...............................
A
female
reader, citris +, writes (7 April 2008):
 In every religion on earth there are those that will give the church/mosque/etc a bad name. In the Islamic world it is the Jihadist terrorists, in Catholocism the sexually perverted preists, and so on and so forth. In the Pagan world there are those that use or follow the black book 'doctrines' so to speak and cause the belief that everyone practicing the pagan/wiccan ways are "satanists".Some of these thoughts in some ways concerning some people may be true, but it does not neccesarily hold true for every person who chooses to follow their specific spiritual/religious path. It sounds as though you seem to understand this, however you are stuck between to polar opposites. Firstly your boyfriend, secondly your family.You boyfriend sounds to me like he has an issue with controlling his anger. I could be wrong, but this is not uncommon. I wish there was something I could tell you to help you find a way to make peace between these people you care for in your life, however sometimes there really isnt' anything anyone can do or say to change a persons mind. However, if you have a talk with your family or your boyfriend and explain calmly as you can to them, that you would like to have them all meet, and that this is what they all are, and ask them to please for your sake, that if they love you, to drop their preconcieved notions about the other party...maybe you will have the opportunity to help not only your boyfriend to see that not all muslims are plotting their "Jihadist" revenge on the Christian world, but also to show your family that this man in your life is an inteligent and thoughtful person with an open mind and beliefs that in some ways may even paralel their own. Most theologies/spiritualities/religions have several paralel teachings. There is much more in common between Christianity, Islam, Wicca, Taoism, Buddism and others than most people realize or are willing to admit. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you find your own path regardless of what judgements the outside world may place upon you!
...............................
|
