A
male
age
30-35,
*nickx
writes:Okay so this isn't your typical relationship question, has more to do with family, but i've always relied on you guys for help in the past so i can't think of a place i'd feel better asking this.So i absolutely hate my mom. Long story short, she's done things to me and my dad that i can't forgive her for. cheated on my dad (for more than a few years) and they finally divorced nearly 3 years ago. I havent had any contact with my mom for almost 2 years ago other than the family counciling she made us go to cuz she thought it was my dad not letting me see her, and her occasional texts to me reminding me why im such a horrible son.Keep in mind that she could totally care less about me, she only wants custody of us to spite my dad. Me (17) and my brother (14) are old enough to say we want to live with him, but my mom hid money from us all these years and when she left us left us near broke, so she could afford an expensive lawyer and she got custody of my younger sister (6).Now, there's a huge age difference between me and my sis, so we never had an amazing relationship, top that off with i only get to see her a few days a month, well, its kinda ruining it all together.But my sis was over this week because the daycare was closed so my mom sent her to our house and since she was there all week, she started warming up to me. I was finishing her easter candy with her when she said yumm this jelly bean tastes like cherry pop.Well, just trying to have some kinda conversation with her, i asked her what kind of cherry pop if it was cherokee red or something, and she gave me this face and said no, mommy gave me cherrywine pop.So i was a little shocked. I mean my moms that kind of person so i can see it happening. But it was just kinda one of those heart wrenching things i guess.I know there's not much legally that can be done as there's no proof other than a 6 year olds words.So i was thinking... How much do you think living at my moms would be helpful?My mom is absolutely ruining her. My mom gets home at 5 from work, where she picks her up from day-care (where she gets picked on because the way my mom's raising her) and then takes her home, and puts her to bed at 7 so she can sneak her boyfriend over. She really has no life over there, and must feel so alone...She sometimes slips and uses language that isn't really appropriate for a 6 year old to use. Not swearing (yet) but like oh crap and stuff like that. My mom's totally stealing her innocense from her.Not to mention everyone of my girl cousins that was raised on my moms side has turned out with absolutely no self respect and basically into whores. I don't want that for my sis...This (being my senior year) is going to be my last year before heading off to college...I'm absolutely torn though because if i go, i'm basically my dad's main support system as my mom made sure he didn't have any close friends before she left. He run's his own business 24/7 now so he's too tired or too stressed to go out and make new friends.And now that my dad's business is starting to really struggle, and we're nearly broke, i do a lot of work for him. Sometimes putting in 12+ hour days for absolutely nothing in return.And since he's getting stressed, he's been yelling at me more for little things. Mind you i understand so it rolls off my back, but if i go i'm afraid he'll think im leaving cuz of that.I haven't brouht it up to my dad yet because of aforementioned fear and he has enough to worry about.Yet again on the other hand, if i go to my mom's (my dad get's no child support from her) he won't have to pay for me, worry about taking me places, or anything. Maybe i'll finally have time to get my lisence and a job and help pay that way.Going the other way, if she refuses to take me, that would look awful bad on her part since her story all along has been *she wants us so bad but she doesnt know what she ever did to us for us to be so hateful towards her*But i dont know if then that would look worse for my dad because then im living with my mom and not with my dad? ughh.. i cant decide.What i really want to do is protect my little sis from what is happening to her, but with minimal effect to my dad. I've tried to look at this from every possible angle and am ready and willing to bear the sacrifices and responsibilities. I have no legal experience what-so-ever, and not going to college for law, so i dont know really what im setting anyone up legal wise for.Also, while im at it, i've read some of my dads emails from my mom and we think she's going to try to get my dad for some kind of sexual assault against my sis, which is completely false. She's been trying to prove my dad is crazy for a long time, even though schitzofrenia (spelling?) and retardation run in her immediate family father and sister.Any advice is so appricited. I just don't know what to do anymore. thank you for takinhg the time to read and respond to this.Nick
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): Nick,Aww sweety I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Please listen to all the helpful people on here. I will give you some advice I got a couple years ago, I'm a little older than you 27, but I too felt like the weight of my family was on my shoulders. I always felt responsible for my family to make sure they were all taken care of physically and emotionally. The advice I'll pass along: you are the child, they are the parent, it is NOT your responsibility to take care of them. I know at first it sounds kind of harsh but it's very true. Your parents are grown adults and they can survive without you but if you keep focusing on helping them you will miss out on being young and living the life that you should. This is a great deal of stress and heart ache for someone your age to be dealing with already and if you continue along this path it will only continue to get worse. Now I know it's impossible not to try and help when you see the people you care about getting hurt and you really feel trapped. It's so awful but sometimes there is just nothing really you can do. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger kind of stuff... you know?Your mom sounds like a mean and vengeful person, it is NEVER ok for a parent to make their child feel the way you do or for her to treat you like she does. Moving in with her, while a selfless act to look after your sister would not be a smart situation. She would most likely be even worse to you and it could actually cause more stress for your sister. You are becoming a young man and should be entitled to do that without having to babysit both your mother and your younger sister. Maybe instead of moving in with her just make visits over there to see your sister or just make plans and get her for a few hours and go to the park or something to spend time and get close to her. I completely understand how stressed out and worried you must be feelings. My honest advice would be to talk to your dad completely and honestly tell him exactly what you are feeling and thinking. I know you don't want to stress him out anymore but I'm sure if he's anything like you he's a very strong person as well and can handle it. A final note, I have a friend who is the oldest boy out of 4 kids, his parents went through a messy divorce and there was lots of brainwashing and horrible things said and done to the kids by one of the parents. He tried to take care of his younger siblings and his mom(the good parent),turned 18 went off to college and still tried to help his family while at college. His mom ended up having financial problems while he was at college, he dropped out moved back home to get two full time jobs and try and help her. Two years later their house was foreclosed on and they lost everything, all the money he put in was still not enough. By now he had so much debt from trying to help his mom and his siblings that he ended up not being able to go back to school. Now 10 years later, he still hasn't been able to go back to school, he's still working to help pay off his debt, he has nothing to show for the last 15 years of his life and he's depressed and alone. He gave up his young adult life and didn't get to do the things his friends were doing, didn't have time for girlfriends or going out with his friends. I asked him if he'd do it all again and he said no. I know you won't make this decision easily and I truly hope whatever decision you make works out for you. Best of luck to you sweety, you are a brave strong young man.
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reader, xnickx +, writes (29 June 2010):
xnickx is verified as being by the original poster of the question First i'd like to thank you all for the overwhelming response :) i really didnt expect this much and you're responses really have helped here. Im just going to go through this from first post to last cuz thats what makes sense.Universe Man:As far as the Cheerwine goes, thank you i was not aware of that.I know its going to be tough, but with the way things have been i've never had a normal teen life. I've always taken the hardships as something thats going to help me for the future.Thank you :)HP:Thank you. That first statement means a lot to me.I dont mind you saying she's not a very nice person, because it is infact the truth. Its not that i want to go over there to live with her so she can have custody of me. I go through hoops to avoid my mom. i want to go because right now, we don't have the money to appeal the custody hearing, and i know what she's like and i know my sis isnt the same as she was 3 years ago when my mom took her.As far as talking to my dad, before i go i will, but right now, i think i need to make the decision because i really need to think long and hard about the results of what i might do and i don't want to mix that with emotions or get people close to the situation involved with this decision.But i was planning on sticking with him, in the long run. I was already planning on going to go back to my dads every weekend, and anytime my sis would go over, if i decided to go.And dont worry, i dont give up :)Mal:Again, thanks! I dont put any blame for loss of innocense on my dad. He wanted to keep the marriage together, even though he knew she was cheating on him for quite some time, for us so we could have a semi-normal life.It was was actually me that told my dad i wanted him to get a divorce because i couldnt stand her (me and my mom have had problems well before my parents split). I'm not sure what DHS is but im not really looking to go to an outside help source.There really isn't any relative that can step in when i go to college. My dads family is small. The ones that are still alive live throughout the country. And as far as my moms family goes, there is one aunt and uncle that still talk to me and my dad, and my moms family has cut them out of their family and no longer associates with them.And i dont think there would be much interaction and i could make sure nothing happens to her.. I just want to make it clear here that i have no problems with my dad. He loves and cares a lot about us and sacrifices so much. Like i said, im just worried ill be wronging him by leaving him when he relys so much on me.Trust me you've been plenty of help. Ill keep you posted.anon:I'm not going to say much here, much because i think you didn't understand my question, and quite frankly, i didnt like your response.I dont feel responsible for "adult problems". I feel responsible to keep my sister safe.You're right you dont know my mom. I lived with my mom for 13 years, i know what she's like. When she came home from work, she would go upstairs and lock herself in her bathroom and talk on the phone and ignore us. I started hiding my mp3 in her bathroom and recording her phone calls just to hear her spread lies to whoever was on the other end.And since you asked, yes there is more to the story. In fact theres much more but im only going to include this little bit.The one that i recall most vividly was the one where she said she's taking my sis to hawaii on vacation with her boyfriend and who cares what the boys think.My mom kidnapped me and my brother on fathers day 8 years ago and we had to live at my grandma's house for a few months, she kept us quiet by buying us all the new videogames and everything.anyways, so your telling me to do whats best for my family, yet your also telling me to let my dad struggle and my sister get ruined.I admit, my family is now at best dysfunctional, and yes crazy too. But what would that make me if i walked away from every obstacle in my life. Im not trying to fix broken people. Im trying to prevent my sister getting broken in the first place.Yes she has 2 parents. One could care less about her, the other one doesn't get to see her by virtue of the other.I appreciate you giving me a different angle, but without knowing all the facts, i think you are assuming way too much.Christinaa:Thanks :) doesnt matter if youre a kid still or not, reading your advice helped.As far as court goes, the last custody hearing was a few months ago, and there won't be another until we can appeal. At the last hearing, I waited at the courthouse for some 8 hours before the judge came out and told us he doesnt want to hear my and my brothers testimony because we've lived with my dad for 3 years now, so we are irrelevant, and especially me because the court knows how i feel about my mom and (i quote) "will blast her the entire time".I really dont understand, they are saying, like along the lines of what anon said, i'm brainwashed. But its the truth, not just blasting her, so there is a difference... ehh idk.We're not that bad off that we need welfare, but we're really cutting back with almost everything. But no, i plan on going to college no matter what. And i plan on coming back to help my dad whenever i can too. Thanks :) i really liked that you adressed the issue of me explaining to my dad. Trust me you helped more than you know :)Chigirl:First i just want to say thanks for replying, i really enjoy reading your responses (its kinda like a guilty pleasure for me whenever i go to answer a question and then see you answer i have to read it lol) I wasnt really sure what cherrywine pop meant. i did a little research and came up with something pronounced "share" wine. But after reading a few of the responses it could be the Cheerwine pop, which makes more sense and puts my mind to ease there a because my mom and her boyfriend took my sis on a vacation to north carolina recently. But there are other problems that i know for certain, this just kinda opened my eyes to the fact that i need to do something about it.I do not plan on applying for custody of her because i will be going to college, not to mention that would basically be the icing on the cake to prove how dysfunctional parts of my family has become. My dad is perfectly capable of having custody of her, agian, its just the matter of getting the appeal.But right now im leaning towards your advice. thats what i think i want to do right now. Im still not 100% certain but... i think.Thanks chigirl. Boombadaboom:Haha. Man, your reply really made me feel good, and genuinely smile. From the awesome smileyface to the incredible encouragement, i really felt much better about the situation. I was starting to feel a little down about all this but by now (2am, been replying for over an hour) im feeling much much better. Don't worry, i wont forget about my bro either. I'll still be there for him. But more and more now im feeling this is something i need to do now.Thanks. You really hit the point of what i was asking leaving me very little to explain here and a whole lotta thanks.so thank you thank you thank you thank you :)QZ:My dad knows about everything to date, save me planning to live over there. The problem is getting her out of her house. We've tried. We can't really afford to go through anymore court at the moment. So i figure the next best thing is for me to ensure that she's living in the best environment as she can.Thanks.LolaCherryCola:Im afraid juat keeping in touch won't keep her safe. I'll be able to handle myself over there, and make sure shes doing okay.Okay so now by what you and Universe Man have said, it could be the soda. Which, is a huge relief. She just went to North Carolina with my mom and her boyfriend because he has family out there.Thank you for putting my mind at ease.Oregongll:Thanks this is some really relivant advice.My moms whole family (except the one aunt and uncle that now realize what my mom did) is against us. Half of the community is against us. My grandmother hit my brother not to long ago because he picked my sister up and hugged her before leaving their sunday school class because she's too old for that and doesnt need to be picked up.My dad knows about the rumors, she started spreading them about me too.I had an extremely bad concussion freshman year from football, and she started labling me as an idiot around town, so that everything that i said about her was as if i didnt know what i was talking about. Mind you i dont talk bad about her, but if it comes up in conversation i do tell the truth.We live in a very small, tight knit community, and when she started spreading rumors, it was very hard to undo what she did, and many of the people still believe her lies.Thank you :) the truth is, though im honestly lucky i think to be in this situation. It has nothing to do with me being a good brother or anything else. It just has something to do with standing up for whats right. As i mentioned way up at the top, i look at this as a way of molding me for the future. Idk. Maybe im wrong, but thats the way i see it.Thanks again, Oregongrll.And thanks again to all the aunts and uncles that are helping me sort this out.. I really wish i could do something in return for you, the support is what i really think i need the most right now. I asked and you answered. I really dont think there is much more i can ask for than that. I promise ill keep you guys posted as much as possible.Thank you soooo much guys. Youre amazing.Nick :)
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reader, Christinaa +, writes (29 June 2010):
 i happen to disagree with the whole call cps[child protective service]
my brother was taken away by cps and they didnt give him a nice home they were mean to him! my brothers bak now but i dont trust that place to send your sis to a good place thats my take on it
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female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (29 June 2010):
First i want to say you are an intelligent young man! and very brave, sounds like your mother is a evil one. she only wanted you 2 boys so your dad can pay her child support: my ex- was like that the only reason he wanted our son he said was because he would never pay me child support: he ran to the social services w/ our son and made our son lie to them and tell them i burned him w/ a cigarette which i told them it was not true and if i did, it would of been by accident and i would be the first one to tell them. they found it unfounded 1 yr later because my son remind you was inconsistant w/ his sotries and i thought how dare they put my son through that and the granmother was involved too! because it was her grown son and he was a mama's boy and in the mean time they brained washed him and turned my son against me. when i went to fight for him in the courts my son did not want to be w/ me. and my son's father died last year from the thing same i tried to tell the courts from a bad live drinking and doing drugs. so what iam trying to tell you is please don't let this happen to your Lil sister. it only gets worse if you think she is trying to start those nasty rumors about your dad you need to tell him so he can protect himself and get your sister his daughter out of there. you need to trust your dad and hope he does the right thing if not you will be 18 soon you will have every right to fight for your sister. but get all your ducks in a row and keep documentation of every thing your Lil sister says, trust me it does hold up in court date and time everything too! good luck your sister is very lucky to have a brother like you.
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reader, LolaCherryCola +, writes (29 June 2010):
You can try your best to keep in touch with your sister, but you're going to have to look out for yourself above anyone else.
Something that caught my eye is the "cherrywine pop" that your sister mentioned -- are you sure she's not referring to Cheerwine soda? I can imagine a little kid calling Cheerwine "Cherrywine." It's not wine at all, just soda. And it does kind of taste like a black cherry Jelly Bean or one of those Dr. Pepper Jelly Beans -- it's like cherry Dr. Pepper, if I remember correctly, but I think it's more of a Southern thing. The only time I've ever had it was with a senior RA at my college who was from South Carolina.
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reader, QZ +, writes (29 June 2010):
 This is absolutely terrible, and I'm so sorry for you. I think you need to contact child protective services and see what they have to say. Also perhaps notify your father and his lawyer of your mother's doings. If you are seriously concerned for your sister (and you seem to be), the best thing to do might be to get her out of your mom's home.
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reader, Boombadaboom  +, writes (29 June 2010):
 You wanting to live with your mother for your sisters sake is an extremely noble thing to do. I truly respect that but it's going to take a lot, lot out of you... lots of energy, lots of cleverness, sense and endurance to really 'save' your sister and who knows, what else. Nevertheless, it's worth it... always. You're gunna be her guardian from then on, you're going to take that responsibility, almost like a father but it's really a lot better because you're not. You're her brother and it's more fun to be that way :D Take this in mind: if you do this, you're basically going to have to deal with lots of problems, possibly each day but I'd say: Go for it, it's probably the best thing you can do for everyone now. Let you dad know why you do this, let the lawyers or whatever know it, but keep your mom slightly fooled so she can't use it against you all. Keep living there even after your 18 (unless you found a better solution) for your absolute sisters sake. If you do this, you're going to be the one biggest rock she can get rely on for anything in her life and it's going to be hard to live up to that but you don't make me worried, the way you wrote seems like you've got that rare strength that's needed and it's probably going to harvest you something irreplaceable eventually, a bond that'll never be broken. Something you'd go through all the hardships all over again for... Solve of it this way: balance all the positive things that can happen when you do it and all the things that can happen when you don't do it. Compare and what's most important, go for that. If it was me, I'd do it, I'd go live with my mums for my family. and...(!) be sure to rub off some of that goodness onto your brother. He needs a big brother too and two of you is better than one ;)
I admire you, man
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 June 2010):
 I first have to ask you to clarify this: " mommy gave me cherrywine pop." What does that mean?
If you want to protect your sister, move to your moms. Then when you turn 18 you can apply for custody of your sister, but that will be hard trial and difficult. Not to mention you plan to go to college so that will be impossible for you.
Move to your moms and take care of your sister, for as long as you can, until you leave for college. That is not much of advice, but it is what I would do if I was in your shoes. You care about her a lot, and I believe you will always regret it if you didn't do everything you could for her.
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reader, Christinaa +, writes (29 June 2010):
your in a really tough decision and although im a kid myself im going to give you the best advice i can. Your mother is obviously making false accusations about your dad and your little sis wont benefit from living with a mom like that. If you feel that your sister is in harms way and your afraid for her, you need to bring that to someones attention preferably a case worker or someone who spoke on behalf on your side at the last court date. If you have another court date coming up i think you should print this out or write another with the same information just in a more appropriate format and read it aloud or just state the facts. Be completely honest with how your mom is and what your sis has been exposed to while living under mothers household. As for your dad maybe he can get on welfare if money is an issue. But you HAVE to go to college get a decent education and get a job earn some money then you can try to fix everything with your dad thats my honest opinion you cant help anyone without helping yourself first i know that idea sounds selfish but you cant spend your beginning years of becoming and adult handling your parents problems.
And im not saying that you shouldnt help your dad out, and i know this sounds weird coming from a stranger but you should do what you need to do just so you can get a start on life.Then when you feel stable enough to handle to situation you can pick up where you left off.
Talk to your dad if it makes you feel better, tell him your plans and let him know that whatever choice you make doesnt concern him and he isnt the blame or the reason for your leaving your simply getting older and you have to do what you got to do.
i really hope everything works out for you, i hope i helped
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): Well,Nick I am sorry you are feeling responsible for adult problems when you really aren't repsonsible for that.I am sure there is more to the story, I am sure your Mom is doing the best she can, and your Dad is a grown man and he should be able to make new friends no matter what his circumstances are. You are blaming your Mother for your Dad's situation and that isn't really fair. These two made this mess together.Now let's get back to you. It is not your job to raise and protect your sister from your Mom, things may not be as bad as you assume they are because let's face it, you're pretty much brainwashed by your Dad to take his side, or you just already have decided your Mom is the devil. Maybe she is, I don't know.You owe it to yourself and your family to be the best you, and the best adult you can be so that you will be able to take care of and support yourself. You can't do that if you are going to take on the responsibility of mediator, parent to your sister, counselor to your Dad, indentured servant to your Dad and all the rest. Get out of this crazy dysfunctional situation and go to college, live on campus or get a roommate and study hard and take care of yourself and your own goals. Your family will go on as they would anyway. This is not your job in life to save them from themselves, you can't do that anyway, you are not equipped to fix broken people. Their happiness would be tied to yours, so see that you do that and make them proud. Go to school, your six year old sister already has two parents...don't come in between them, you will just add to the problems.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): Nick, my heart goes out to you because you really are caught in a no-win situation. There is no easy answer as you know and its hard to know what is the best thing. I do so admire that you are willing to give so much of yourself to be there for your sister, she is very lucky to have you in her life. Your parents have really stolen the innocence of you all.
Is there any way you can contact someone from DHS and just sit and tell them everything that you have told us? It is possible that they could advise you and help you work thru all of your options.
Barring that i would have to say, I think that you should spend as much time as possible with your sister, trying to give her as normal of a life as possible...but i dont know if you moving there will be the answer. in a year you will be leaving to go to college and what then? I just wonder if there is a relative that could step in and help out here?
If you try everything and it comes down to a choice i would vote move in with mom...it doesnt sound like there would be that much interaction and you could give your sister one year of stable homelife and good memories of someone who loves her. i dont think i've been much help, but my heart does go out to you. keep us posted, mal
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reader, HP1993  +, writes (29 June 2010):
 Heyy.
First of all, you're an amazing son to your father, i dont know you but from what i gather, you are.
I've been through a similar situation too, my mum cheated on my dad and then left him when i was 10, and i went through 2 years of legal stuff with them both, and i chose to live with my dad. It hasnt been easy (money problems and such) but i've stuck by him through everything. I personally think you should stay with your dad, your mum doesnt sound like a very nice person if you dont mind me saying, and like you said, she just wants custody of you to spite your dad.
Talk to your dad about EVERYTHING, and no matter what it takes, get your sister where she belongs, with you, your brother and your dad, before your mum does something that really does ruin her life before it's begun.
Hope i've helped in some way, dont give up x
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reader, Universe Man +, writes (29 June 2010):
Minor point of fact: There is a cherry-flavored non-alcoholic soft drink called Cheerwine. That's probably what she was talking about.
Don't know what to tell you about the rest of it. Living with your little sister would probably help her turn out right. But it could make your life miserable. Maybe give it a try, particularly if it allows you to help your dad financially. That's an awful lot of burden for a teenager though.
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