A
female
age
41-50,
*onf
writes:I dont really know how to start. I have been married for 10 years - seperated 1.5 years ago. This is because I found someone else. My marriage was fairly bland and bad, and I always found myself fantasizing about other men. I had married young and we grew apart. I had a brief fling - my (ex) husband forgave me and we moved on. But things got worse. He was so eager to forget that we never really resolved the issue.2 years ago I met someone else. He is perfect. I found that I felt a kind of grown up love for him that I had NOT ONCE felt for my husband. I told my husband I wanted out and moved out. I have a 9 year old son. I never told my husband I had met someone else.I still go to visit my son at my husband;s every day. I am ready to move on but my husband refuses to. He still asks me to consider reconciliation. I cannot - my relationship with this other guy is great and I want to spend my life with him. I cannot tell my husband this. Also, I do want to divorce because this marriage never really worked for me. But I feel enormous guilt- I am sometimes paralyzed with fear. What do I do?
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divorce, move on, moved out Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Boombadaboom  +, writes (24 August 2010):
 why are you so fixed on that one bad comment instead of all the good ones...?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): Dear Conf, I am not judging you. Perhaps oi should ask why you are not judging yourself. Perhaps you need to open your eyes to the reality of the situation.how come you do not have remorse ? I note that the MODS removed my post, dear Conf did it touch a nerve? Too near the truth. Did it make you acknowledge some harsh home truths. Whatever you may feel about me if it has made you relook at your life then it served a purpose. Silencing me just bec you hate my comments will not make you a better you. Perhaps you need to reflect on your life.
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A
female
reader, conf +, writes (22 August 2010):
conf is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Jack.Dear female anonymous reader - just go back and read my post again! When did I say had abandoned my son? Did you miss the bit where I said I still see him everyday? Judgemental much?Also, if you hate me so much and are making such horrible names up for me, WHY are you still commenting? Do you not have anything else to solve?And before you ask me that same question - I came here looking for help. Thanks to bitter people like you, I probably will not do so the next time. Lay off on attacking me please. You have no right to judge me. A lot of lovely other agony aunts/uncles have offered advice without bashing me or calling me names. Perhaps you could learn a thing or two from their book.
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female
reader, conf +, writes (20 August 2010):
conf is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all.
Dear female reader - people come to this site because they need help. Because they are feeling desperate. I am not asking you to like me or offer me hugs. But you have not walked in my shoes, you do not know me. Can you lay off being this acerbic - honesty is one thing but you are being very attacking! You do not have to like my choices - but this is uncalled for.
To the others who helped without condoning harshly, thanks.
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A
male
reader, Boombadaboom +, writes (20 August 2010):
The sooner things change the better. The way you keep doing things (ex. only telling him in a few years) will grow more solid over time, so he will feel like it's has always been that way and he won't react well to such a big change after such a long time, especially if he realises you've been untruthful from the start. You might think this calls for another lie and tell him it wasn't from the start, but truthfully that just makes it worse. You'll be layering your lies until you can't keep up with them anymore or you'll be living a lie. Do you really want to lie? Do you really? It's bad to, it doesn't feel right so just put all your cards on the table. At least the truth is out, you're free of it and you see how everything turns out. Besides, if you and the other guy are in love as much as you say you are, it will only add up to the stuff you need to let him adapt to it. If he never lets you see your kid again, that's not because you told the truth. It's because of all other kind of things that happened before or are happening now. It's your kid too, even if he refuses to let you see him to look at the worst case scenario, you still have a bunch of ways to change that.
Of course you don't go back to your husband, but don't lie.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (19 August 2010):
 Get divorced and be honest. He can't hold you to be single, in exchange for the divorce. That's not right, and it's not legal. I'm sure you've heard the saying, "you've made your bed", well that's what you did here, you made the decisions, while you were married, so you have to own up and hold true to the consequences you receive for your actions. You know as well as anyone else reading this, that you keep this relationship hidden, sooner or later, he'll find out, and it will be so much worse that he had to find out that way, and have you act as an adult and tell him first.
I don't understand your reasons with your child. When you get divorced, and custody is established, those weekend visits are mandatory, and if he plays games and does not honor the court order, the game would be continued behind bars. It'll begin small, but the more he plays games, the more jail the judge would bless him with, so playing games with your visitation is not in his best interest, or the best interest of the child.
I believe that if you have to keep secrets, then you must be doing something that you're not suppose to be doing. That in its self is wrong.
Just be honest, life your life honest and teach your child to do the same by your actions.
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A
female
reader, conf +, writes (19 August 2010):
conf is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all, thanks again. Cereberus, you are such a kind soul to clarify for me- thank you for your words.
The thing is my ex husband is insanely possesive - my past foolish behaviour has not helped this either - he would never ever allow me to see my child again if he realized I was seeing someone else - he is forever saying stuff like "I will give you a divorce ONLY if you promise you will stay single forever" etc - he means this stuff. He is paranoid ever since he forgave me about my utterly stupid fling a few year ago. he is making a big deal of even allowing the child to be with me when I ask for a weekend.
He will also call up my parents and try to poison them - yes, he did this before and it was very bad.
However, we already lead fairly seperate lives and I see my current partner only when my child is not with me. I hope that eventually I can get the divorce and give my child a happy life and help him get over these bad years. Perhaps I could introduce my partner a few years down the line when emotions are not so high.
Any help appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): It is better to be honest because otherwise at some point your husband will find out anyway which makes the situation about the lie rather than your divorce.... or you will be expecting your son to lie on your behalf? How long can you go on like this? By hiding your happiness you are denying it. Your husband deserves the truth and so does your boy. He is 9 years old and is looking for honest role models in his life.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (18 August 2010):
 She's not abandoning her child. She's just moving on to something better. If she stays in a marriage with no love, the child wouldn't be much better off now would it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): You abandoned your minor child for your lover. What a mother!
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A
male
reader, Boombadaboom +, writes (18 August 2010):
Oh if I were you I'd still tell my ex the truth, tell him you can't get back together because you found the man of your dreams. At least it will help your ex move on because he'll realise chances of you changing your mind and going back to him are slim to none. Why are you afraid?
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A
female
reader, conf +, writes (18 August 2010):
conf is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. I appreciate your help.
I really, really do want to leave this marriage. And I know I would never have done this had it not been for my partner who supported me and motivated me. I do want to divorce my husband and move on. Does he really need to know?
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 August 2010):
Be honest with him. The issue is not the direction you took, it's how you took it. Understand that either way someone is going to be hurt. This is where you guilt is from. Follow what you want to do, but remember as well that you are teaching your child what relationships are about and how to have a successful relationship. In your situation, someone will get hurt, but just be honest with them, and follow the direction you believe is best for you. In the future, it's be honest, and get divorced, before the other guy.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (18 August 2010):
Just get a divorce. What you're doing now isn't helping anyone, not you, not 'the one', not your husband or your son. You'll actually be making everyone's lives easier by just filing for divorce.
You'll be feeling even more guilt if you don't do this. It might seem harsh but, there's nothing good about a loveless marriage.
I hope that helps.
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