A
female
age
41-50,
*hadowcat
writes:Hi, Well, here I am, a 25 year old woman and I have never had a relationship with a man, in all these years have never even held a man's hand. I don't know what I can do to improve my lot in life, because I feel completely rejected by the entire male sex. To them, it seems like I am not an option...and never have been. Every time I try to get men's attention it feels futile: I'll get a new dress and heels and go out, but no takers. If someone in particular has captured my fancy, I usually get the "let's just be friends speech." I'll try to muster the courage to be flirtatious and funny but it would seem that no matter what comes out of my mouth I just get passed over for the leggy blonde in the corner. (Once about a year ago a bunch of men working with me just started talking about some escapade at a club the night before and it didn't even register that I might be offended...like I wasn't even a woman.) My friends tell me that I am not totally hideous but on the other hand I have never had a man exactly looking at me with any kind of longing :_( I admit as to coming off a little rough but I know in my heart that if given the chance I would treat him like a king-no guy would feel unloved if he were mine. I have to know, especially from all the men out there, what am I doing wrong? When is it going to be my turn at last?
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male
reader, Mac123  +, writes (29 March 2008):
Dear Shadowcat,I came across this site sort of by accident and am not too sure if I am qualified to give you advice, except that I have been in love with the female sex at least since the age of ten (I was a late developer). I remember a girl that I found particularly attractive when I started second level education, aged about 12. The reason that I think about her often is that, although she was not by any means the most beautiful of my treasure-trove of newly discovered female talent; she did have something extra that I could not and still cannot put my finger on, if you’ll pardon the pun. I remember that she was good fun and laughed a lot but I do not think that it was that alone that made her so attractive to me. I was shy in my younger days and small talk does not come naturally to me so dating women was quite difficult. Confidence and some understanding of the female mind came with age and long after the dating game had ended in marriage. I have suffered feelings of rejection, well into my mid twenties but I am now old and wise enough to know that it was mostly in my own mind. There were plenty of lovely women out there who would have been happy to get to know me if I could relax a little and be myself. Easier said than done though when you are trying to get a conversation going in some dance joint or nightclub. I must confess to using all of the awful chat up lines, “Do you come here often” etc.Stick with the new dress and heels though and spend time with the make-up. Ultimately, it is not what will make a man want to see you again but it will definitely grab his attention in the first place. I spent most of this afternoon sort of cheating on my wife. I brought her and our son shopping to a nearby large and vibrant town and as I don’t do a lot of shopping, I spent my time Bird-Watching. I admired them all, from the really thin ones that I normally don’t put at the top of the list, to girls with curvy bottoms, who would always get a second look. Young girls, old girls – they were all so attractive in their own ways that I want to thank God for being on top of His work on the day that He created Woman.It worries me a little when you talk about spending money on “improving” yourself. I would guess that what is there already is more than good enough. A trip to the hairdresser or beautician is no harm (many married men with empty pockets will disagree) but please do not go into expensive procedures that the glossy magazines will tell you that every woman should have. I like girls who “walk and talk like girls” but I also like those that don’t. From today’s Bird-Watching expedition though, I must confess that the wriggling bottoms came out on top. It sounds sad and I should not admit to it here but I went out of my way today to walk behind a curvy young woman of about 5ft. 9in. I would have loved to get to know her mind but the only thing that mattered at the time was that I found her incredibly attractive, from behind. That is a glimpse of the male mind for you and I don’t even charge a fee.You come across to me as being a beautiful and genuine person. You seem like the sort of woman that I would go out of my way to walk behind for a few minutes in a shopping mall. I know in my heart that there are plenty of great guys out there who will want you to treat them like a king and one of them is going to be very happy and very lucky. Relax and smile at them, with your lips, with your eyes, and with your whole face. I know you will be happy.
A
female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (13 February 2008):
 I'm sorry but your friend is wrong. Don't pretend to be anything other than what you are. What happens when you do snag a guy because you act more feminine or walk with a sexy hip motion? Do you pretend for the rest of your life? Can you hide your muscularness when you're naked? No. If a guy is intimidated by you because of your height or your muscularness, then he's not a guy who can handle you being you.
I agree that if you slouch, you shouldn't...express your confidence in an open posture. Sit with your shoulders back so that you give off the signal that you're open to conversation.
Also, being dominant is not bad at all. Some men want a woman who knows what she wants because they're man enough to handle it. Some man can handle letting a woman drive or having an independent woman to call their own.
Don't worry about V-Day. I'll be spending it alone too. My boyfriend's in another state.
Have a girl's day out and don't make yourself less to appease a male ego.
You're a woman, not a girl. There's a difference between the two and your friend is trying to make you into a girl.
So what if you're tall? I've always wanted to be taller. So what if you have some curves? I've always personally thought that muscular, curvy women were beautiful.
Don't try to be what you're not.
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A
female
reader, shadowcat +, writes (10 February 2008):
shadowcat is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi, Well, it has been awhile, and though I haven't had much time to go out lately I have had time to think about what has been said here. Trev and Devilish, thanks a lot; it meant a lot to hear your thoughts. I hope you don't mind an update and some further questions, though. Thus far, I have been saving up some money to "improve" myself. I do not have a whole lot of disposable cash right now, but I do hope I can save enough by the end of March. (Pampering and other sundry goodies cost money.) I also sat down with a good friend and she told me a few things I hadn't heard before. She says I "don't walk or talk like a girl." She says I slouch too much, says I am too dominant, and thinks I should spend more time in front of the mirror in the morning and wear girly clothes more often. On the other hand, here are some details about myself that are still as true as they were in January: I am 5' 9" (175 cm). I have broad shoulders and a broad back and I stoop a bit both out of habit and out of necessity. I admit I don't have a terribly feminine bounce in my step, but I do not like the fact that high heels slow me down when I am walking and upping my height by three inches might make my stooping worse. Nothing is more girly than high heels, but does anyone know a means of how to walk gracefully on heels at rush hour AND not stoop AND fake having confidence? I am not fat, but I am not a tiny willowy thing either (I'm actually somewhat muscular; I try to hide it because I don't think it is very appealing.) I will try to "soften" the way I appear, but I am apprehensive about it. I don't want it to become a situation where I fear I may be laughed at for my efforts. Imagine a stereotypical ogress. Now imagine her getting all dressed up for the ball, sparing no expense, feeling like a queen. Hypothetically how many jokes could be made at the expense of an ogress coming on to the handsome prince? (The dress may be beautiful, her manners may be perfect, and her perfume sweet, but she is still seen as an ogress.) -I am willing to try, but what if my sexiest isn't enough? Dominance-The conversation I had with my girl friend included talk about how I carry myself around men. She reminded me of a time when we were hanging out and came across a guy she knew, A-. A- and I started talking and though I thought he was cute, he turned the talk over to one of my favorite subjects: politics. She said I was too fierce with A- for him to like me. I admit to being a very passionate person, esp. with things I believe in, and don't let my guard down easily. I also love engaging intelligent men's minds (especially one who is handsome), but does this mean I have to tone it down completely to feed a man's ego? Do I have to become something I am not? I already work in a field where men dominate and I have to be assertive, on guard (I work in computer graphics.) But what do you do if you think you've done too good a job of it? How do you remind the men at work that you are a woman without losing their respect? And how do you put up with men who constantly make cg models of flawless women, knowing full well that they are representations of their dream girls (and you don't compare?) The library had plenty of books on relationships, but not much help on certain specific things. I am probably not going to spend Valentine's Day with somebody this year, both because of work and because I have enough on my mind. I'll try to let the day pass and stay away from couples for the day because it won't help any. I do hope I get some responses to this post as it could help me figure out where to go from here. Neurotically yours,shadowcat
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (20 January 2008):
 If a man says , let just be friends. It could mean that you are moving too fast for their likings . You need to stop at that base and let them catch up with you.You have to slow down for them.
A man do not like clingy or needy women. You must have confidence in yourself.
Men treat you that way because you are either a Tomboy or that you exhibit masculine traits.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2008): i'm 18, anytime i like a guy his answer will invariably be "let's be friends" and all the times i've been with guys i was just another one night stand and dont get me wrong - i'm not the slutty type that will get off with just about anyone.
the "longest relationship" i had lasted about 2 weeks and turns out i was just his way to get his ex back.
so when you find the solution to the problem please let me know, will you?
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A
female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (20 January 2008):
Its in the way you carry yourself. You have to feel sexy from the inside. Find clothes that make YOU feel good. PAMPER yourself and then when you feel like a woman, go out. Don't try too hard. I like to use my eyes to flirt with a guy. Look a guy straight in the eyes and slowly smile to show your interest. Then when he comes to talk with you, go with the flow. Don't rush it.
Be patient and have fun!
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A
male
reader, Uncle Trev  +, writes (19 January 2008):
From your question here it does not sound as if you are doing anything that puts fellows off. The again I cannot see your body language. The reason I suggest body language is because the first contact a bloke usually has with a woman is through this.
How exciting a person do you look when I guy sees you for the first time?
The way you wear your clothes, make up, the way you talk, walk, sit, look all say things about you before you utter a word to anybody.
I am not saying your body language is wrong or bad in any way - I am suggesting that you look into it a bit to see if there is anything there that could answer this and help you out a bit.
Do you pursue any hobbies?
Are you happy with your job?
Are there opportunities here to meet new people and move in new circles?
There are some really good how to books available which are worth looking at. Ones that come to mind are:
"How to start a conversation and make friends,"
"How to Talk with your eyes,"
"Body Language" and
"Dress for Success".
These should all be available from your local library or a good retail bookshop. In the meantime I wish you success in finding somebody because you sound like somebody who is very nice, caring, loving and sincere lady.
It is such a shame that the blokes out there are not seeing these qualities very much within you at the moment.
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