A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:i have been dating my mistress for 3 years. we decided that its time to take the next step. i am in the middle of a project abroad that will be completed in march 2011. i decided to file for a divorce then.in three years we have seen good times and bad and survived. i am 47 and she is 29. i have three beautiful children and a good wife that i love but i am not in love with. my mistress has become my world. in my eyes perfect in every way. the love of my life.i truly want to marry her.can it work? will my children be ok?do you follow your heart?is there such thing as true love?
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female
reader, CandyAppleRed +, writes (18 January 2011):
 You are like me nd my man. I am 20. He is 37. If I'm not wrong, thats about the same age difference as you two.
And let me tell you something that he is afraid of: that we will, in some future perhaps if things are good, marry and then if I meet some guy younger than him, I'll leave him.
However he has never married nor had children. Either way, that isn't a deterrent for a lady from being curious about other younger guys. And look, when I'm 30, he'll be almost 50.
When a woman is 30, she's still looking hot, and isnt that when she's at her sexual peak? If you cannot keep up with her, she might get flustered and seek someone else. I know that when my bf gets tired (because of course he's almost 40 and not the young, supercharged young man he was) I feel somewhat hurt and I start thinking about what it could be like several years down the road. Also, I think about any possible illnesses that might come to him with age and that when I'm ready to go out clubbing, dinner or hang out at night, he's going to want to stay in. Think about it...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): You may not believe it now but 'welcome to the start/beginning of your life'
One day at a time
Mourn the death of the mistress relationship, cry but don't go backwards
Love your wife and kids. They deserve it. Dammit they deserve it.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondropped the mistress. feels odd, like a family member died.
Made the decision,hurting badly. got what i deserved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): So what has happened OP: when you previously updated you were ready to file for divorce ad marry your mistress who is 18 years younger than you. You were leaving your wife and kids for your mistress.So what is making all this 'so terrible'.Yes hurting your wife and kids are terrible, being replaced is heart breaking. Have you had a change of heart? Or are you still in the process of marrying your mistress after your divorce?LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE...
THIS IS TERRIBLE!
WARNING TO GUYS THINKING OF GETTING INVOLVED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN WHILE YOU ARE MARRIED.
DONT DO IT!
YOU ARE IN A NO WIN SITUATION! ESPECIALLY IF IT GETS TO THE POINT OF FEELINGS. YOU ARE GOING TO HURT PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT AND CAUSE YOURSELF TREMENDOUS PAIN!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Wow I feel sorry for you .I'm in a relationship now and I've been with my man for seven years . He is currently seeing another woman I found out about it and decided to stay in the relationship I have two kids that are from some one else but he raised them so over time I saw him hurt about this other woman and I know he needs her and I feel we are only in the way I feel he's only in our life for guilt of looking like the bad guy if he left but I truely love him but in all fairness he has the right to true love and happiness even Its not with me I'm holding on to this relationship too and on your wifes end well she may have to toughen her skin and realize that she deservers someone who is faithful much like I'm going to have to do soon I only hope that when you realize your dream girl is only exciting because your wife is there and when your wife opens her eyes up your party will be over just whatever you decide dint let the clock run out on you
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A
male
reader, realsimon  +, writes (23 November 2010):
Hi,
so many people telling you its wrong, I wonder how many of these people have been in this situation?
People tell you to follow your heart what is that?
You care enough for your wife you dont want her to live a lie. But you dont want to hurt her either.
You feel you are in love with your lover & have probably hoped it would fade but its not, you are hooked on this girl.
I feel you pain, we only live once so why look back when your very old thinking what if but I guess you are also thinking you dont want to look back thinking I had a great wife?
Please keep us up to date with your thoughts & feeling.
No one should judge untill this has happened to you, not all men are shit heads looking for a quick thrill we sometimes fall in love too!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): Nothing is impossible. The relationship can work provided that the two of you work together to make it a success. Why are you not in love with your wive?? Does she love you? Does she take care of you? why did you fell out of love with her???
You have to decide whom you love the most your wife or your mistress? Who cares more for you and loves you more? be honest when you answer these questions.How much do you know about this mistress? I know bien in an affair is immoral but otherwise how is your mistress? Is she an honourable person with dignity and poise. If yes then the relationship can work. Do you guys always have sex meetings or you guys share other things in your life?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): Nothing is impossible. The relationship can work provided that the two of you work together to make it a success. Why are you not in love with your wive?? Does she love you? Does she take care of you? why did you fell out of love with her???
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A
female
reader, tdntuck +, writes (21 November 2010):
 In my opinion, there are no yes or no answers to your questions and there is no right or wrong as far as love is concerned. Every person’s situation, feelings and experiences are unique.
I believe one should follow their heart. Everyone deserves to be loved and to feel passionate love for someone. It is a choice people make, not a sentence, to stay in relationships that no longer have this ingredient.
The best you can do is handle the situation with care, respect, tact and diplomacy towards your wife and children. Your children will be okay with your pursuit of happiness if you’re open with them and explain you still care for and hold their mother in high regard but are no longer ‘in’ love with her. Perhaps you could refer to instances involving them and their past love interests that didn’t work out as an example of ‘not settling and moving on’. They will be okay as long as they see you and their mother are civil, they are not neglected or less loved by you and they still very much hold the same position in your life as when you and their mother were married.
In respect to your wife, even though she still wants to maintain the marriage, she also deserves a loving, passionate relationship which she obviously doesn’t have because you’re not giving her 100%. She’s just not on the same page as you yet but will appreciate the rekindling of passion in her life when she meets someone who will make her feel the way your new love makes you feel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): I think u are mistaken: you have no idea what good and decent is, bec if u did u would not be considering causing upheaval in your kids lives. 3 innocent kids destroyed bec u are now 'in love' with your mistress? Uncalled for really!What happens when u fall in lust again or your mistress starts f*cking around again?? But then maybe u are right. It is time to take this to the next level: yep divorce your wife and kids and then start your life again. Add a few more kids into the mix and work until the very end trying to maintain all these offsprings.The general rule in life is this: the mistress doesn't become the committed partner/wife bec she rarely makes the grade. Her duty is to be flat on her back, legs in the air, providing for her married man and then he sneaks back into the real world. The mistress must be ready for sex, well kept, not a nag and play no role in her Married lovers real life. This works for many men, when men like u decide that u have fallen in love with the sex piece that is when the problem starts. A mistress role is a role she accepts and she has no right to want to change the status quo. Welcome to the beginning of a life changing nightmare. So u think u can fall into the 12% stats of success. Think again. Just read all those tales here on DC. I have never believed we are fools but looking at just the culprits on dc, it is an eye opener and you can see the kids lives being destroyed. To phel, my heart goes out to you. Without taking anything from you and your feelings, if you continue in the current manner it means that the bastard who destroyed your life as a kid, wins yet again. Not all men are bastards and the ones who destroys their kids world usually pay dearly for their actions. Your father is not in control of your life and relationships. Do not allow him to destroy your future. U owe yourself every happiness and get rid of him from your life and take back your life. Good luck and create your peace. Your happiness should not be dependant on your fathers morals and actions.LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for you help
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all. i see how i must look to everyone.
fyi i did tell my wife about the affiar sometime ago and told her my intentions. she actually is standing by myside and telling me not to leave.
i have always been in control of my emotions,
i know what is right and decent,
why my heart aches for this girl leaves me speechless. why im struggling with this so much i dont know.
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A
female
reader, MaryB +, writes (21 November 2010):
Your life is for you to do as you see fit but, as a woman who was betrayed & blindsided by my ex I have to say what you are contemplating is self-indulgent, immoral & cowardly to say the least. You have No idea the devestation you will cause your family to endure all for the sake of a few moments of passion. Do you honestly believe that what you feel for this young woman now will continue so intensely once you are together for awhile-you are living in a fantasy world. You are making decisions based on false assumptions & clandestined meetings. Think back to when you first met your wife- I can bet you felt those same feelings with her, also. Consider your age difference- do you think you will be able to hold up to your end of the bargain? What happens if this woman decides to have children- can you handle raising more children while still trying to maintain a life with the children you already have? Will you be able to look at yourself in the mirror each morning & feel good about yourself knowing that you destroyed so many lives because of your selfish desires? I think you need to get your head out of the sand & think long & hard about what you are planning for your future. Chances are GREAT it will not turn out as you had anticipated!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): why is everyone telling the guy to stay with his wife when his mind is already made up he doesn't want to be with his wife anymore??
it is the worst insult for a wife to know that your husband doesn't want to be with you anymore and is only staying because he was guilt-tripped or shamed into staying, because people told him that leaving you is wrong so he stays with you to protect his own reputation and nothing more.
So he stays with you but resents you for it. Hey probably because he already resented you that's why he even had an affair to begin with. And still you want him to stay in his marriage so he can continue to hurt his wife??? What wife would want to be living in this kind of a marriage??
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A
male
reader, Pleh +, writes (21 November 2010):
As a child of a man who did something like this, I can tell you that you will never even be able to comprehend the suffering your children or wife will go through.
I remember being told she was just a "friend" and that all they did was go to the cinema together. He used to get back late and I mean very late, usually drunk out of his mind. He deceived us all, and now I hold no respect for him whatsoever.
Then came the time my mother became strong enough to file a divorce herself. How proud I am of her. And to be perfectly honest, I'm glad she did.
As soon as my parents were divorced, this "friend" vanished, never to be seen again. Now he lives in a small flat by himself, rarely seeing his children and from what I can tell, regretting his decisions.
That's what I reckon will happen to you.
As for your children, well... I'll tell you what I do;
I find relationships so very difficult. I find the most trivial excuses not to get intimate with people. I sabotage every relationship I have and have ever had, to save myself the suffering I had to endure. Will I ever marry? I doubt it. Have kids? No way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): There are but a few times in a man's life when he can decide who he is. The pivotal moments. The times when he has to reach deep down inside of himself and muster up true courage.
I don't mean the 'courage' to dump your wife and kids. I'm talking about the courage it takes not to.
You can follow your nether regions and dump your wife and 'have it all' ... or so you think... Or, you can man up and hang onto whatever respectability you have left. You are a cliche. An old lion who loves the idea that he can still roar.
You are in love with the idea of starting over, of beginning again, of being young again... But the irony is that no matter how young your mistress is ... and even if you marry her... it will never make you 29 again. You are an old man running with a younger woman... like a said... you are a walking cliche... the mid-life crisis in 3d coming at ya.
You are in love with the idea of who you are when you are with her... and it is blinding you to everything else that truly matters.
Men who do what you are considering... are not held in esteem, usually ruin their children's lives, and make a fool of the woman who has stood by you who has erroneously thought you were worth a darn. She bore your children and stood by you, man. Now you want to be 'in love'. Being in love is cotton candy. Real love is what you do for each other. You've got cotton candy and you are so blinded by feeling 'new' again that you cannot see that to have this candy... you have to give up everything that made you into the man she fell in love with.
Did you hear me? Your wife and children made you grow into the man she fell in love with. Your family has tended to this garden (you) and has made you into attractive pickin's. She looks at this man and wants him... can't say whether she means it or not... or whether it is just the thrill of getting you... who knows whether she'll be interested in keeping you once she has you.
Trust me, I know. I've been her. And... it was about getting the guy that presented the sicko thrill I had when I was young. Since then I've grown up. I realized that any man willing to toss it all aside for a thrill, piece of ass, and 'love' was not worth having. Why? Because he has proven that he isn't worth a crap. I would get them and dump them.
I've grown a real woman's heart and I can tell you that no matter what you might be trying to sell yourself... it is a crock. You will never be 29, you will lose everything that defines the true measure of a man and ... appear the fool to all.
You will damage your children in their ability to connect in future relationships beyond what you can even imagine.
So figure it out. You can lose your self respect, the respect of those around you, and lose the very family who helped make you into the 'catch' you are... all because you want to cheat death.
Right now it seems like a breath of fresh air and a new beginning. But you are acting like an old fool. Man up and be worthy of your wife and children... don't take the route of being a boy chasing his desires. You are a grown man. Act like one.
Sacrifice your lust and desire for youth out of respect for your family. You owe them. You owe them that in spades.
Don't become a joke. Become someone admirable. Become a real man.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (20 November 2010):
 Your first thoughts should be for your wife. She is about to hear news that will rip her world and everything in it to shreds. For all the love she gave you and the three beautiful children, for all her years of loyalty, her reward is to be dumped because you found a younger woman. How would you feel if it were you?
More disturbingly you are going to keep her in the dark until next year (probably because it is more convienient for you)...nothing like making a fool of someone is there?
I felt quite ill reading your post, because your selfishness is actually quite staggering.
Telling your wife now, being fair with her and accepting the s**t that is going to descend on you is entirely your own responsibility would go some way towards redeeming yourself for such disgusting and underhanded behaviour.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): This is a very common story of leaving your first wife for a younger woman.
You know all the answers, of course, your family will be very much upset. But may be your wife not getting what she wants for the past 3 years, is ready for u to leave the house and let her find someone that will be in love with her. Who knows, may be you leaving would be the best solution, but there is another question, the age difference, its quite a bit u know, 18 years. U could almost be her father.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (20 November 2010):
 You should have divorced your wife the moment you felt your love shift from that of a husband to that of a dear acquaintance. You have been deceiving her.
What exactly do you expect to happen in the outcome of this ordeal? Do you think your children will grow up to respect or admire you when they find out that you, their father, who was supposed to help guide them along the right path in life, has betrayed their mother? The woman who, I assume, practically raised them and took care of them while you were away? You may not love her but you could have had the decency to deal with this marriage before you were forced to lie to her and carry on a secret life with this mistress of yours.
You can and should, leave your wife now. Whether or not you choose to marry your mistress is up to you, know this though, she may be with you out of the thrill of an affair, what she feels may or may not be real love.
I suppose you will try to avoid the telling the truth to your children? Spare them the shame of knowing that they have a deceitful father. You despise reading this. You hate reading about how lowly I think of you, you are in love, that is all well and good, but you did not do the right thing before this all became a mess of lies and trickery.
Leave your wife, decide whether or not you really want this and then, if it pleases you, if she wishes it, marry the mistress. As for the children, I cannot say. I shall pray that they are still happy after everything has been sorted out.
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): Your children won't be ok, your wife will be devastated and you'll both end up feeling reallly guilty, it's up yo you if you think it's worth it xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): You are at liberty to do what you wish, but it is likely your children will be angry at you and resent your mistress, as will your wife.
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