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anonymous
writes:What are your thoughts on cheating?It's a long story so I won't go into too much detail right now. If someone cheats and then realises they have made a terrible mistake...have taken steps to try and put things right...begging for you to take them back...what do you do?My thoughts are that there is a possibility this could happen again if I gave in and took her back. We're currently on time out so I can get my head round it all but to be honest I'm ready for throwing in the towel. Help!!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mistakes i cant take back  +, writes (7 September 2010):
Yes, it takes time! I've done it but it wont ever be the same between the two people the trust is gone and it has to be regained but I believe if they honestly really love eachother they can get through anything!
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female
reader, Missy Smiley +, writes (26 April 2009):
Remeber the phrase:"A Cheater will alway be a cheater". They might not do it today but someday they will do it again. To be honest if she not happy with you now will she ever be in the future? It all about the timing. I've been in your shoe before. All I know is that "IF she truly love you or even thought about having a future with you she will never even have the heart/courge to cheat on you in the first place"
I believe that everyone who had cheated before know and are aware that they are not fully happy with the relationship and Have thought about cheating on their love one for a while before they did it- they just looking for the right opportunty to do it.
I LIKE TO SAY TO ALL THOSE OUT THERE WHO USES "ALCHOL" AS AN EXCUSE TO CHEAT IS----"TOTALLY LAME"---- EVEN IN THE STATE OF INTOXICATION ONE COULD STILL MAKE A CHOICE TO HAVE HAVE SEX!!! ----THERE MUST BE SOME ATTRACTION THERE RIGHT----MAYBE NOT LOVE BUT LUST, REVEANGE----
Sorry getting back to you, I think she just sucking up to you because she still attach to you now but who know she'll do next when she need her "fix". If you think you put this problem aside than stay with her. But if you can't,---just let her go. No matter what you decided---i think it will end the same way.
I know that your feeling very confuse, you are still inlove with her/ attach to her but at the same time you felt betray/ and know you deserve better. I suggest you let her go for now and go sort out your feeling when you can forgive her ....maybe a year or two down the road you can still hook up when you get over the whole betral feeling if it dose not happen than know that wasn't ment to be..... JUST DON'T WAIT THERE BEING CONFUSE AND ANGRY and wasting your time---YOURE NOT GOING TO FEEL ANY BETTER---OR THE SITUATION WILL GET ANY BETTER.
No body like a damage package!!!!
It took me 5 years to forgive my ex. for cheating on me. Today were not together anymore---i broke it off because I was no longer inlove with him anymore.
RECOMEND: lOSE THE GIRL AND HEAL YOUR HEART...---
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male
reader, davethraver +, writes (25 March 2009):
friend, mine is no answer. but a similar dillema. my girl of 3 years and fiance of 6 months has been cheating since christmas. ive only just found out.. he claims that its been full on and she claims he's just a clubbing partner etc etc. i dont know what to belive but i cannot forget even if i can forgive. mainly because she still sees him as he's turned her against me lying and saying ive been talkin crap about her behind her bak. as im i decent guy, i couldnt do the same to her, but did tell her everything he said about her when he found out about me. but she still thinks im lying and he's not... what a mess i dont know who to belive or even if i belive any of it. forgiveness if she sees sense maybee, but i'll never forget this as the girl is my whole world..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): Take them back. You want to anyway. It sucks and it will never be the same. You will always wonder if it will happen again. But sometimes, as much as it hurts, you know it would be worse going on without that person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah I know how you mean dude...there are occasional times when I think about what she did and I get wound up...but hen when we're together it never enters my head. She knows it still hurts if I let it enter my head but she makes sure that I'm not left out at sea. She regrets it all and I know her well enough to believe that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): Being that i have had this expierence already i think i can help you. My gf cheated on me after we were going out for a lil. She had way too much too drink and well....yeah. The next morning she told me and i did what you did...i flipped said all sorts of shit and we broke up. after 2 weeks of her pleading and trying to show me how she feels and how much of a fuck up she was...we got back and went on a break. Its now been 9 months since we got back together and today i feel like i love her even more and its awsome but every once in awhile i think about what she did and i still dont trust her....id say for you too just let her go unless you feel like you love her and its worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Anon, Thanks for your thoughts. It's been a long time but we're back to how we used to be...and it's 10 times better! We all make mistakes and she realises that too. We're getting married in June so it's all good!
All the best
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2007): I have been a cheat. I had an 'open relationship' with a guy, for nearly two years, well I didn't treat him right and wouldn't commit, and it took him to break up with me and do the same back to me, for me to realise how much I loved him. I know what I did was wrong now, it is immature, but sometimes its a mistake we have to make. I think your gf deserves a second chance, and if she does it again then that's it. If my boyfriend hadn't given me a second chance we wouldn't have the relationship we have now. We all have to make mistakes to learn the greatest lessons. Its just now done the same back to me, I find myself in your position, I keep imagaing him with the other girl, and my mind can't handle it at the moment. You also doubt if you will ever trust them again, but I suppose that is a risk you have to take. 'Accept that love is to risk'.
Thats just my opinon, but I do think love is worth a second chance, and it it hurts you again, then you walk. Everyone makes mistakes, and looseing something is the greatest lesson to make us learn form these mistakes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): if you really love her give her another shot..let her prove to you that she really means what she says and she wants to always be with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi no you aren't too late to reply janelle...we're getting there slowly but surely...there's been a few tears from both sides but we're on the home straight. We're healing together and knowing her the way i do makes me see just how full of remorse she is.
We've learned a lot about one another and the love that we share is stronger than ever. We've talked about the future which all went a bit hazy at one point..but the main thing is we both realise how much we need one another.
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reader, janelle123  +, writes (11 February 2007):
mite b a bit late for me to reply to this.. but my boyfriend of 2 and a half years just cheated on me. It does hurt and i kno it always will.. but i have decided to give him another chance.. because of all the time weve spent and everything. If u do love her alot, i think everyone deserves a 2nd chance..
good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's so damn difficult...I thought my mind was made up but we've had some amazing times together. I know she cheated but I can't help thinking there was something I could've done to prevent it happening. There was that 1 moment of weakness that she succumbed to and seeing her I know that this has devastated her as much as it has me. My love for her is just as strong...I know there would be a lot of hard work but we've been through a lot together. I just don't know what to do
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): Cheaters! No way! So if you take her back, next time when she cheats she only has to tell you that "ops, I'm sorry, I got drunk?" Yeah, right! There are way tooooo many beautiful girls out there who are waiting to meet you! Trust me!!!
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reader, dorfmeistersfan +, writes (27 December 2006):
 Life, but not you can make that possible!
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah maybe my head is clouded...i need to take time out and get things into perspective.
I guess trying to get things back to how they used to be is no mean feat and i'm just living in hope...thanks for taking the time to offer your angle on things guys...i'm still torn but i just need to get my head together i guess.
I certainly wouldn't want to sleep with someone just for the hell of it and knowing her like i do she would use that against me to try to justify her actions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2006): Once the trust that you once had is broken - its very hard to gain that same level of trust again and even if you do there's always gonna be that feeling and wondering of "what she's doing/who she's with" any time she goes out with you in the future...
I'm able say this from my own personal experience of my fiance cheating on me with my best friend!! We tried to work things out but it was never the same again and I finished with him...
But at the end of the day its down to you and how much you love care and want to stay with this girl... No one else can make up your mind for you - all you can do is read and learn from everyone else's experiences....
Good luck x
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female
reader, Sexybum +, writes (15 December 2006):
 Yeah you right two wrongs don't make a right.
Sounds like shehappy to have an open relationship.... She suggested that because she can just turn round and say "well you slept with soemone else too..." I think that's a ludicrus suggestion to make! How could you actually sleep with soemone just for the sake of it like that!
I don't know you but I don't think that sounds like you at all...... Look I knwo you care about her but you won't get back what you had.... It's already taken you this lond to deliberate it..... Whilst you're considerring taking her back or not she's rubbing her hands just waiting to hear that she has got away with it.
I would really advise you to at least think about this on your own... without her.... don't have any contact with her for at least two weeks and see hwo you feel then because right now honey your head is too clouded and she is helping to sway your opinions, boundaries, desires, whatever it is your feeling 9whether she realizes it or not) You need to think about this on your OWN without her and without her influence.
Only then may you truelly know how you feel
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVery true Dagwood...she'd been drinking and despite our sex life being previously incredible things had taken a downturn. The things that make me love her by far outweight what she did...sounds crazy i know. She tells me the only way she could forgive herself is if i went out and got laid which has made me wonder where she's coming from! 2 wrongs don't make a right and it'd only make me feel like crap if i did that.
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reader, Dagwood  +, writes (11 December 2006):
 Being cheated on really hurts! I know I’ve been there; the lady I love did it to me once!
BUT you have to put these things in perspective… had she been drinking, what was the temptation, how good was your sex life etc. If you put of all the things that make you feel you love her onto one side of the scale and that fact that she had sex with someone else on the other which way would the scale tip, what would be more important?
When you’ve answered that you have to be prepared to forgive and forget! Sign an intimacy pact between you! Define what the boundaries of your relationship are and stick to them. It all depends on how much you love her. We’re all human and we all make mistakes!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs i said at the moment there's no decision been made. There's a lot of talking...intense questioning from me...the usual why,why,why etc. Knowing her as well as i do i know she doesn't make a career from it....we'll see what comes of it
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reader, David Lewis +, writes (8 December 2006):
 Yes you can. Some people change, some people don't. Its all down to the individual.
I was cheated on repeatedly and always took her back, only for more damage to be done.
You can take them back, but you cant take away the memories or the damage.
I would advise strongly against taking them back, unless you know 100% it was a genuine error on their part. If you do take them back, prepare for a lot of pain.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell ariel we're on civilised speaking terms. She appears full of remorse for what she did but it doesn't mean I'm just gonna give in and take her back. There's gonna be a lot of talking and working out to be done before we can even begin to look to the future. Whether or not she's part of it is another thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWords of wisdom Sexybum....don't think you're being harsh at all...I prefer honesty rather than pussyfooting.
Yes it hurts like hell....I'm still in that limbo state of 'oh my god what have I done?' It's the thinking back to the good times...the plans we'd made...the dreams we shared...and the disbelief of what's happened...and boy we had some amazing times....but I did what I did for a reason, and that's to be nobody's fool!
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reader, Sexybum +, writes (29 November 2006):
Don't take her back it's just not worth it.... You're gut is telling you know you know you don't trusther.
You want agood relationship and you won't have that now because the trust is gone and it ALWAYS comes back to the trust.
Please beleive me I have put myself through so much crap due to trying to consider other peoples feelings... In the end you become a doormat and blind as a bat to truth.
You are ready to throw in the towel so just do it... She was horney so she had a shag!!! I'm so soory to be harsh but I wish people were more harsh with me when I neeeded them to be.
If you give in and go back (which I suspect you may have already done) then you will soon start to feel paranoid again... It won't be long until you think you can throw it all in again only it will be harder cause you willl be weaker.
I've said this to soemone else before and I think it appliesto you to as it applies to me all too well. You feel guilty because you know you are capable of walking away and building a life for yourself. You don't want to hurt her or leave her in the dumps. You would rather put yourself out and make soemone happy, you think they might respect you for that and you will then be thier extra special person. You feel guilty because if you want to and really have to you can move on. And you feel guilty for being so competent. Well you shouldn't cause it's actually a gift, so start using it.
What would you say to your children? You got two choices.... Stay with her and the paranioa will start whether you like it or not.... or move on now. (might hurt to begin with... but you already know that don't you?)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2006): Cheating on someone you are 'supposed' to love is not a mistake.....It's deceit and disrespect! Find someone who will respect you. I mean if it was the other way around and you were the one who had cheated, how would she have reacted? There seems to be double standards where the man is always blamed for the end of relationships, but it never occurs to people that women cheat as much as men do!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow that throws a different angle on it completely. Yes she did take steps to put things right...went through a lot to correct things...but then it comes back to that 1 night. I want to forgive her...after all we planned for the future it cuts like a knife but now I've done what I've done I'm not so sure. I think only time will tell
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYep...very true...she could have taken steps to avoid this but it seems she didn't want to and would rather dip her toe in the water...then she had the nerve to say it was my loss! I'll never understand where some people are coming from. The main thing is that I've made the break and although I'm a bit sore I know it's the best decision.
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reader, megSTAR +, writes (27 November 2006):
people make mistakes. the bible says not to hold a grudge. if shes making such an effort to change, then maybe she realizes she messed up the first time. you cant hold that against someone. sometimes people mess up and lose something just to realize how important it is/was. its important to move on. no one says you have to forget and completly start over. if you love her, if you WANT to give her a second chance, id suggest youd do it, but watch out. make her earn your trust.
ive been put in that exact position your girl is in. im sure her intentions are nothing but good now, and think about it...why would she go through SO much trouble if she wasnt trying to prove something?
pce.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2006): Good on you, mate. I was in your situation before and I know with complete certainty I made the right choice. You'll go on to live your life, and meet a wonderful person. Your cheating bitch of a girlfriend will live with her mistakes for a very long time to come. Forget about her, and move on. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry...just woken up...to put the record straight it was an exclusive relationship! lol. That'll teach me to get my brain in gear first!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was actually a non-exclusive relationship rhythmandblues2 but it seems I didn't do enough to fight for her...that's what she said to me anyway.
Anyway...thank you all so much for your advice and input...after my thoughts have gone from one extreme to the other I've reached my decision. The mental picture of her and this other guy is too much to deal with so I've spoken to her today and told her it's over. She didn't take it too well but I walked away before things got ugly.
She made some very personal comments which goes to show her lack of maturity. The wounds will heal in time and I hope the scars will disappear too. If I'm honest it's gonna take me a long time to learn to trust someone again.
Well...thanks again to you all.
All the best
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2006):
With so many people in the world, why settle for someone who could have done this to you? unless sex doesn't mean that much to you...
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reader, Prada +, writes (26 November 2006):
Well its really up to you it depends on how much you love this person because it is hard to take someone back after they have cheated.but if you do take them back you have yo try to put that behind you because the thought of that will hurt you more than anything
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reader, Astrid  +, writes (26 November 2006):
 It's difficult but possible u have to take car not to take upt the issue as it will lead to further quarrel and so on it's to be very hard and u'll feel disilusioned but things are like they are darling
good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2006): After reading your second post, it seems to me that you and she were not in an exclusive relationship, as you both talk to each other about her dating other men, and you even told her to give it a go with this other guy...you can't then tell her that she can not have sex with him on her date when she is sleeping with you as well, it sounds like you want your cake and eat it too and so does she.
A non-exclusive relationship is just that.
I am more concerned about the fact that she is using ecstasy and alchohol to numb her feelings or to give herself the green light to go ahead and fool around.
She sounds pretty immature and reckless to me, and I would be turned off by these character flaws more than I would the fact that she had sex with the other guy, but that is my deal. I would never date a drug user.
Also, according to Dr. Drew, a US pop psychologist, ecstacsy is more addictive than any other drug out, there once a person tries it once they are well on their way to a life of drug addiction for various chemical substances.
Continued use of ecstacy will literally eat holes in her brain, which will affect her intelligence, functioning, personality, and the rate with which she is aging...it is changing her on the cellular level.
For that reason alone, I would throw in the towel if I were you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2006): Once a cheat always a cheat.BEWARE!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2006): Hi,
Sorry to hear of uour problem, I know where you are and understand exactly what you are going through, I think every cace is different but in my view relationsips are very special things and built on TRUST, if one partner has broken the trust then it is a massive blow to that special bond, I don't think you can ever get that back, there will always be doubts, unanswered questions and an inkling of bitterness. Try as you may this negative percentage will from time to time rear its ugly head, your relationship will always be second best.
I think, after an affair relationships either go on in bitterness and mistrust or breakup, maybe the only chance is to breakup amicably, remain friends and find yourselves again, if you eventually find each other again in a year or two then that is a new relationship not stained by the past, you both would have grown and become wiser through this trauma, your partner will hopefully then value the trust that is needed to make a realationship work, if you don't well that was ment to be but it is suprising how many will go off with the same person that they cheated with, dont be bitter if that happens then you know that you made the right choice as it would have happened again no matter what you did, that relationship is built on lies,
Good luck and sorry to be negative but for me a relationship is 100% trust or nothing
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe had been spending less time together due to work and family pressures on her part. I had spoken to her several times about not having so much time together and she said she felt pressured by me so I eased off, given her reassurances that things would come right.
She then said she had met a guy through work and felt something was brewing, and that she wanted to give things a g ith him. Like a fool I said that she should give it a go with him but i didn't realise this involved bedroom antics too!
After seeing this guy for a couple of dates she said she realised he wasn't the one for her and that he couldn't do it for but that I was the one and that she was going to tell him. Then she went quiet one weekend and that's when things happened...with the help of alcohol and ecstasy! She said after that it was just lust but although I love her and she's taken steps to put things right I just feel numb from it all.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (25 November 2006):
 You really need to follow your heart and gut on this one. Sometimes cheating is a mistake, and mistakes happen. Maybe you should take a little break and have time to clear your head - just a few days to yourself.
An important thing to think about is whether you can truly forgive her. Will you resent her for the rest of your relationship? Because that's not going to be healthy.
She needs to show some strength and love for you.
Trust yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2006): I think you should trust your intstints which are telling you that she may do this again to you, and if you are ready to throw in the towel, then maybe that is the way to go.
It depends on a lot of things, like what caused the cheating, were you at all to blame or had a part in it like offering her very little security or mistreating her in any way? Although cheating is a dysfunctional way to handle power struggles in a relationship, it does happen, and it is possible if you can work out your issues more constructively, that it may not happen again, but it really depends on why...if she is just a cheater, then I would move on, some people just don't feel the need to be faithful.
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female
reader, bellachic385 +, writes (25 November 2006):
 You can forgive a cheater. To take them back and let the relationship go on as it never happened might be wrong. You will have a feeling that they are cheating on you again either until you totally forgive them or realize they arn't for you. The reason they cheated could be very important. Good luck.
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