A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm trying to decide if I should have sex with a guy who's a player. If i don't have sex he'll just ignore me. If I do, then I'll get ignored after...but I was thinking, even if I can't get him to commit, what if I got him to at least do nice things for me before sex? And after? Like how a guy friend would or we could even go on dates sometimes...And I'd still have time for other guys too.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 April 2016):
 Sweetie it sounds like you are willing for this guy to just use and abuse you. If he is a player then that is who he is, you are not going to change him, nor can you make him do nice things for you for a little while. Think about what it is you want, do you want a relationship? To be single? Or have sex with a guy so he can do one or two nice things for you? My advice is to aim higher.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 April 2016):
 I forgot :
tell us , OP, and be as sincere as you can, please...
I don't know why but I get this strange feeling that you are not into sex at all and you are like tryng to whet a feeble sexual appetite with hot , sought after guys...
I mean, OK, hot guys are... well, hot ( duh ). And Brad Pitt looks better than Danny DeVito so probably the first pulled many more chicks than the second ( although, with these things you can't ever know ).
Then again, if you just had a surge of sexual energy that needs to be expressed, a lust for passion and adventures that can't wait for the "right boy " to be fulfilled... I wonder if you'd be so look ( and label ) oriented...
It's like you need to psych yourself up to be sexual, and you think that if you can get a few " hot ones " the whole experience will be more palatable, less difficult ?...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 April 2016):
Oh but you DO go for old fashioned views.... all your post is delightfully cliche' and comes straight out of some romantic comedy of the 40's or 50's.... the nice naive girl " taming " the inveterate playboy... a frashfaced Doris Day using her feminine wiles to catch a man-about-town fancyfree Rock Hudson...
The contemporary playeress ( playerette ? ) starts from all different premises. Which are the same as the male one's. Sex ( and the other person's body ) as an object of consumption and means to instant gratification. Like, you want a hotdog, or an icecream cone ? You go get it, consume it, and you don't think about it. You don't worry about the hotdog liking you or being nice to you or thinking the world of you. You want something and you go get it. Without a care in the world for what happens later. If the encounter was mutually satisfying, maybe you will repeat it; then ,great. Otherwise, who cares. The world is full of hotdogs ( pardon, hot guys ) : Next.
Scheming and contriving and looking for the right buttons to push, in order to make him LIKE you and come back to you, is SO very old fashioned .
If you want to play the casual sex game because you just want to add some hot guys to your dance carnet, you can, but you must know the rules of the game and follow them.
Otherwise you are just looking for a bad ego bruising, if not heartbreak.
And rule Number One is : no expectations. Whatever happens it's all good.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 April 2016):
 You DO know that being "hot" doesn't mean he is a good lover or lay, but if you just want "bragging-rights for "bagging" him, then go into it with your eyes open and NO expectations.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 April 2016):
 Do you know for sure that you would be ignored by him before and after sex? How about just be his friend without taking off your shirt. You will really stand out amongst other girls if you try to appeal to his emotional side, and not just physical.
I am not into old fashioned views, but not into tricking and manipulating either. My view is simple. If you don't like each other's authentic selves, there is no point. The outer shell of hotness will soon be meaningless.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 April 2016):
 You want him to like you before and after? Boom. You’ve already lost the game to the player before even beginning the game. Game set match to the player.
As for “hot”, well, we’ll have to take your word for it, but from the microbiologist’s or urologist’s point of view, he’s probably also got some very interesting microorganisms colonizing his genitalia, ones that might cause you some grief later on, in a week or two from or in 20 years, when you get oral cancer.
Hot in this case could be used in the viral load kind of way... not so pretty.
I get the double standard thing, if he trashtalks you you’ll trashtalk him back. Alas, in this game, the men are like rubber and the women like glue, what bounces off him will stick to you. Yes, yes, it’s not fair, (which reminds me of another post on here, I’ll go see if I can find it) but there it is.
If you are already about trashtalking him in retaliation, and you want him to like you before and after? You’re so not ready to have sex with Mr. STD, sorry, Mr. Hot Playa.
But if you want to, go ahead, it’s no skin off our nose, you know? You asked for advice on this, you’re getting it. It may not be to your liking but if you didn’t want it, why ask?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 April 2016):
 You can't ever change someone. And you shouldn't even want to. The concept of "changing" someone implies that you have power over them, or want power over them. This is the opposite of respect. If you respect someone, you leave them be the way they are.
By saying you want to change him, you are implying that you do not respect him and the way he lives his life. It's almost as if you want power over him to punish him. Punish him for making you desire him.
You know, that's why in some culture women have to cover themselves and not walk outside the house: so that the men will not be tempted by them.
Here you are, being tempted by the man, seeking control over him just like some chauvinist man that tries to control a woman... Women and men truly are equal.
This the the rule you need to play by from now on, in order to become a better human: live and let live. This means respecting others enough to leave them be, not trying to control them or change them. Calling someone a player is a negative word too, a player is nothing but the male equivalent of whore.
If you want a relationship, friendship, whatever, then get it from someone who offers it. Not someone you will need to manipulate into it.
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A
female
reader, EFM94  +, writes (28 April 2016):
 No trust me quit while you're ahead. I have been in your position before and it just ends up in heartache on your behalf. Once a player always a player deep down I don't care what anyone says. If you catch feelings you'll be the one in the shitter not him.
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A
female
reader, wrathykins +, writes (28 April 2016):
 NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Why on earth would you be considering this? Giving into a guy that's obviously going to use you for a quick fumble. Doesn't that make you feel angry, knowing that that's all he's interested in and you want more?
Well it's NOT going to happen. Ever. Guys like that don't want relationships. So give up while you're ahead, and have some self respect and don't let yourself be used like this. Classic f*ckboy. Best thing you can do, is move on from this guy and find someone that actually wants you as a girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2016): Sorry for the spelling mistakes. I'm on my phone!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2016): Wow you all have a lot of questions!! Thanks for answering mine. To answer the first half of your Qs: I want to take the risks because players can be really hot. That's just the truth. I want sex from him. And I want hom to like me before and after. I know sex won't make him like me.I want all of those nice things, but I know he would nvr be my boyfriend. Oral would be nice but I want to do everything with him. I havent posyed about this before. I don't exactly want a fwb. I want him to become and stay my friend. I guess I could be a player that's liking for romance. Like the parallel to the guy version. I like that.And my rep? If he trashtalks me then I'm trashing him right back. If we're both naked then how could he be better than me? Especially when he's the dishonest one making up lies? I'm not a fan of old fashioned views.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 April 2016):
 Trying to "outplay" a player is a sure-fire road to still more heartaches.... AND has the additional fallout of besmirching YOUR reputation. Is all that worth getting laid once - or, a couple of times?????
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 April 2016):
So, what kind of nice things were you hoping for? A nice smile in class? A drink in a bar? Jewelry? A walk at sunset on the beach, holding hands while a guitarist plays beautiful love songs?
If you want sex with a player, have sex with a player, you already seem aware that it will be a short term transaction.
If you” can’t get him to commit,” wait, does this mean you want a boyfriend?
I just had a thought about this, are those “nice things” you want him to do sexual? As in, he makes sure you have reached orgasm through oral sex first? There have been a number of women your age recently posting about FWBs that it seems to me someone (you?) is trying to figure out how to become a player herself.
What does the term ‘sex’ mean to you, OP?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (28 April 2016):
.. I don't get it, why would you want to have sex with him just in order for him to take you on a date? You can go on nice dates with someone else, you don't need this dude to go and enjoy yourself. Or is he amazing company or what? Is he a stand up comedian that makes you laugh so you nearly piss in your pants? I mean, what's so special about him that you need to exchange sex for his company?
Im pretty sure he's not such an amazing conversationalist. And, sounds like you aren't really interested in having sex with him either. So why bother?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 April 2016):
No, honey. He isn't a puppy who you can "get to" do tricks for you and be "nice" to you.
If you ALREADY know how he is going to treat you, either DON'T have sex and IGNORE the fool. OR have sex and accept being ignored afterwards.
Why so desperate for THIS guy's acceptance? Why bother sharing an experience of sex with someone who sees you for nothing more than a hole in the mattress?
Giving him sex is not going to make him all weak in the knees and make him LIKE you or treat you with something more than contempt.
Honey, you need to work on your taste in men and your self-esteem/self-worth.
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