A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have recently caught my husband having an affair, we have been married 14 years and have 3 children. I told my husband I still love him and want him to stay, he said he would stay only to be with our children who he loves more than anything and said he does not love me and hasn't for a long time. I said he has to stop seeing the other woman. I have just found out she is having his baby and that he loves her. I gave him an ultimatum that I will allow him to stay to be with our children as long as he has no contact with her or the baby.Can we restore our family unit or even our marriage or is it only a matter of time before he builds up the courage to leave me.will he still love her? will he eventually want to see this baby?what should i do?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (19 November 2007):
 It's just a matter of time, I'd prepare myself for the worst if I were you. You are sitting on a time bomb.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): thanks again for the replies but it looks like my husband is ok with the choice he has made as he has not made any contact with her and unless i kick him out which i wont then he will not leave his children so it looks like he is here to stay
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): it's sad, but if he says he loves the other woman and she is having his baby, why on earth would you want him to stay? Do you seriously think that would set any kind of loving role model for your children? Be strong and kick him to the kerb. The children can have a relationship with their father and that doesn't need to include you. Get on with finding a man who will love you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): its only a matter of time you said it yourself
let him go if he comes back then, try to sort things out if not then make a new life for yourself.
it must be hard to hear he don't love you anymore and its understandable that you issue ultimatuns but the don't work dear as you will find out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): thanks for your replies but my husband has agreed to give her up and their unborn baby in return to be allowed to stay and be with his children, so looks like he will just have to accept the situation, so maybe now i can work on him to have another baby with me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): Well, if you think that him seeing his kids on a daily basis is going to be worth it to him to stay, with you controlling his every move, he must either be a very WEAK man or he will eventually get fed up and leave your ass. This relationship is very unhealthy and you need to think of your kids here. Do you not think they are smart enough to know that daddy's miserable and that mommy is a total controlling hag? Do you want them to grow up thinking that relationships this dysfunctional are normal? Would you want your daughter to have to blackmail her husband in order to make him stay with her? No, you'd want her to be with a man who loved her. At least I hope so. You're sounding very irrational and I believe you need some intensive counseling. You have no self worth if you feel that making him miserable is worth you being miserable & therefore forcing him to be with you. What an awful situation which I have the feeling was caused by you because of your aggressive controlling behavior. No man will stand for that. Please go get some help and let him go on his way..you can't control him and his phone forever. And you saying that he won't love the baby b/c you won't let him see it..what is that? Are you that selfish? The baby is innocent in all this. It sounds to me like you just want him to be miserable for what he's done, but by holding this over his head, you will never be able to heal or find love again.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 November 2007):
Eventually he will get fed up with you controlling him and you will be exhausted. I'd tell him to leave, the finances will work themselves out they always do. You need to think of the welfare of ALL the children involved and that includes the innocent unborn child. You aren't thinking clearly about this which is very understandable but it's vital that you pull yourself together and realize the future repercussions from your ultimatum.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): with regards to the0/w having his baby. I think he should be able to see and support baby under an amicable arrangement between the two of you. What has been done already cannot be undone. Look into your marraige and see where it went wrong and try and reignite the passion and committment. banning from seeing the women & o/w will in the long run only cause resentment and your relationship deteriating.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): thanks again for your replies you are very wise people.I know he wont love the unborn child because i will never let him see it!My husband has said a few times in the past that he has wanted to leave and this was well before he met this other woman and each time i have told him to stay for our kids and i know thatse i will always have the hold over him!!! and financialy he wouldnt be able to leave and that scares him! i know he has accepting my ultimatum because the thought of him not seeing our children on a daily basis is to much for him to take.I know he has not had any contact with o/w since she told him she is having his baby because i am in control of his phone and wont let him out of my sight,the only contact that has been made is me telling her we are restoring our family and not to contact my husband for anything
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): What makes you think he won't love his other child too? Just because the baby isn't born yet does not mean he has or will never have feelings for the baby..That is unrealistic to think that. Especially because he obviously loves your kids a lot. Why would he deny this child a father's love? He loves the child's mother as well. I think you're fooling yourslef..even asking him to never see his child or the woman he loves ever again..you need to just tell him to go. Especially because you know he does not love you, and he is miserable with you. Why would you want to be with someone who's miserable with you?? He did you wrong, I am not saying he hasn't. But now that he has and even gotten another woman pregnant, it's time to tell him where to get off.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 November 2007):
In all fairness to the unborn child, he/she deserves the right to know his/her father. To forbid him from ever seeing his child is probably unrealistic and probably should be.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): sorry but i dont think you can make someone fall in love with you again once that love has gone or when one person stops loving the other it would be a losing battle.
Only if both partners still love each other can the courting stage and counselling work and if no one else is involved
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): thank you for you replies but i keep thinking because he loves our children more than anything in this world and is willing to accept the ultimatum i gave him and because he doesnt know the unborn child then he will cut off all contact with them ,i have even sent her an email telling her never to contact him for anything ,
will his love for her increase as i can see how miserable he is and will curiosity get the better of him making him want to see his child when its born.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 November 2007):
If he loves the other woman and is father to her baby I fear he will indeed eventually leave you to be with her. He will have to pay child support for the baby as well so even if he stays with you he will have some contact with the baby and it's mother. Personally, I'd just kick him out right now and save yourself the daily pain of living with someone who doesn't love you. Your children would rather be with a happy mother than one who is in constant pain. I know that it will be very hard for you but that is the only way you are going to be able to heal and get your life back on track. I'm so sorry this happened to you but since your husband sounds like a first class jerk maybe in the end you'll be much happier. Keep us posted.
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female
reader, BreeBree +, writes (15 November 2007):
First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this pain.
I don't think forbidding your husband to see his new child is necessarily the right thing to do, although I know you are just doing your best. To forbid him to see the kid, you are depriving that child of a father and also, your husband will probably see his kid anyways, which means he would be more likely to lie again and see her without your knowledge.
Although he loves his kids, he has already done so much to hurt them. Explain to him that he has already damaged them by cheating on their mom and creating another baby. That's already made their lives sooo much more difficult. But, he can't take back what he has done, but he can be a good model in how to take responsibility and yet still honor his vows. If he is to stay with you and still be seeing and loving the other woman, that is not a family unit and is really detrimental for the children to see. If he takes responsibility for the child and has certain "visiting times,"(you and the other women can work something out) and agrees to work hard to fall in love with you again. You two can go to counseling, you can start going on "dates" again - doing something fun that you both enjoy without the kids, he can get you flowers, you can make him snacks/lunch to bring to work w/ notes that say I love you on them? (whatever works for you). You need to go back to the courting relatinship and he needs to try to fall back in love for his family.
It will be hard for him because he has gotten himself in this mess and it would be really easy for him to just try to "start over" with the new woman and baby.
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A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (15 November 2007):
 Well, as much as it might hurt to hear (or read), your marriage is pretty much over IF he isn't willing to work out the problems and be with the children AND you. But since he has decided or has felt that he doesn't love you and he loves this other woman, I believe it's time to take a long hard look at what is really important in your life which should be the children.
The children will be the ones to suffer the most from a broken relationship. And children see, notice and understand things that we as adults don't give them credit for understanding. As a result, your children might learn that it's okay to have another relationship outside of marriage. The male children especially (if there are any). The female children will learn that no matter what, you need to stay with an unloving husband and be unhappy JUST for the children. Would you want to see your sons cheating on their wives or your daughters in unhealthy, unhappy marriages? Probably not.
So for your sake, and the sake of the children, let your husband go. Let him leave and be with his other woman. Have him to make child support payments until they're 18 and you never have to worry about a husband who doesn't love you. Furthermore, once you get rid of him, you can focus on finding a husband who DOES love you and will be care for you they you wish to be cared for.
If your religious at all, you can always turn to God for guidance and intervention in your marriage. God can fix things if you believe.
Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, Guitarboy  +, writes (15 November 2007):
 This arrangment will never work out. Your husband has already confessed that he doesn't love you anymore and is clearly only staying for the kids. He has been seeing someone else behind your back and now has a child with this other woman. I do not think he will stop seeing her, especially now that they've had a baby together. I also do not think he will magically fall back in love with you simply because he gets his mail at the same place you do. You are hanging on to an illusion. What you have coming home to you every night is a shell. The person who used to be in there is gone. And making demands such as this will not work. He will simply continue to see her behind your back, and the baby as well. For whatever reason, he chose to get involved with someone else, he is not showing any signs of remorse. You'd be wise to simply cut him loose, give him the appropriate vistation rights with his kids and move on with your life. You deserve to have someone completely, not in bits and pieces just for the sake of your kids. It's not good for them either.
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A
reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (15 November 2007):
 As much as you'd hate to hear this, you should find the courage in you to leave this very unhealthy relationship. You have even gone to the extreme to give him another chance after catching him have an affair, but to no avail. The truth is, he isn't sorry and remorseful for what he'd done, in fact, he's already being blatant in saying that if he stayed in this relationship, it wouldnt be for you, but for the children. Is this worth saving your relationship for? Its a one way street with him taking, and you giving.
Most wouldn't even bear the sight of a cheating partner, let alone still offering him another chance to stay, but its obvious that you hold true to your vow when you walked down that isle. That is a truly noble thing to do, but there must come a time when you must start thinking about yourself, for yourself. His heart is clearly not with you anymore, and forcing it wouldn't change it either. Why would you want to wait around to find out if he will or will not leave you eventually? He's already sure of what he wants, and so should you, which is to move on.
I cannot suggest this strongly enough, you need to be strong this once, pack your bags and carry on your life, without him in your life. Your children will understand in time. You should have faith in yourself and never settle for second best.
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