A
female
age
41-50,
*araFK
writes:I'm in a relationship with a married man 25 years older than me. I fell in love with him almost 3 years ago, and tried (clearly unsuccessfully) to forget him. Then I gave him a letter in which I said that I feel something for him, ie love. His first answer was he can't. 8 months later we started flirting, and after a month we kissed. I was scared he was only in a mid-life crisis or that he was with me only because he had (still have) problems with his wife, but I kept to have faith and strenght. We even made love for nine months, until it became difficult to...organize...date. And so I thought "There it is. Now we can't make love so easily, he will leave me." It's been five months since then, and in this period we had sex only once. Now...it's clearly NOT a sex relationship...and it's not a whim, because his wife nearly detect us twice and even if I keep telling him that if he wants to end it here he can, he always says no, And keeps saying that he loves me, that he wants to be with me, that he wants to have a life (and MAKE a life with me) in the future, and that he's waiting to sort things with his job (and that I finish university). 3 years ago I thought "He will never like me/love me/kiss me"...and then it happened. Now I think "we will never have a future", maybe to protect myself, but I can't leave him. I love him more than words could ever say, and I KNOW FOR SURE that he loves me back. Can I still dream a little?ps-sorry for the length and the language
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fell in love, flirt, married man, period, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, 3boyzmom  +, writes (9 May 2009):
What are you thinking? Chances are he has health issues ur not aware of. HBP. Heart attack. High cholesterol. COPD. to name a few. He's old like ur daddy, for God's sake. In a couple more years he will not be able to do all the energetic things he does now, sex will start to wane and you'll still be young. Are you really interested in nursing an old man in a couple of years? You should be having the time of ur life, having babies, surfing in Hawaii. Find someone who can share ur old age with you, not be in the grave.
A
female
reader, Lady64 +, writes (1 October 2008):
I was married to a man 24 years older than me for almost 20 years, and it was a fabulous time. Unfortunately due to the age difference I became a widow in my early 40's. But better a short good marriage than a bad long one. However, even though my husband was divorced, I was not the reason for the split up from his wife, he was already divorced for 5 year before I met him and his first wife initiated the divorce at that time.
But: Love knows no boundaries of age.
Now I am together with a man who was married when we started our relationship (and he is considerably younger than I am), but less than 5 months into our relation he filed for divorce and we built a life together. The key factor here is: I never asked him to get divorced, but I made certain not always to be available for him. He did not make a big speech about it that he WOULD get divorced for me, he just told me one day: "I filed for divorce, because I want to have a life with you."
Many men seem to be scared of divorce, because they fear the loneliness more than women do, and very often they need an escape helper in form of a new found love, as an incentive to break out of an unhappy marriage.
Men that are really honest about changing their life around and give it a try with a new love, do not debate it long, or make excuses why they can not act any sooner. They go ahead and change their life. If they don't, they are either not enough in love with you, do not have the guts to change their life, or are just in for the sex, without real emotional attachment to you.
Now my own grandfather left my grandmother for his mistress, married her and they lived happily together until the day he died.
A friend of mine now moves in with her lover, who finally filed for divorce, 18 months into their affair.
So, yes, sometimes married men do leave their wives for their mistress, but usually within a certain time frame, not YEARS, and without much talking about future intentions.
A man that is really in love will act fast to be with the woman he truly loves. If he doesn't, you just waste your time with the wrong man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): I am the wife of a cheating husband, the other woman is 36 and he is 49. He will not leave me and he will not let me leave. He calls the other woman just a piece of ass. Have been together for 30 years and I did not plan on being along at 50. So may answer to you young lady is he will never leave his wife for something or someone to just have fun with. And do you plan to take care of an older man with habits that you will only see if you live with him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): yes.. dream .. dreams can become reality.. it is like magic when u r in love.. if this man loves u as u say.. he will struggle to see you and be with u.. he will find that the best way is to leave his unwanted life and start realising ur dreams.. miracle?? yeah maybe u need one.. i will pray for u
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A
female
reader, sweetashoney +, writes (16 November 2007):
i know how you feel but married men are just that. They dont want to leave their wives. They love seeing what they can get away with. i was involved with married man problem was i only saw him when he needed sex. I got tired of him and dumped him. Do the same girl he'll never be yours.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (16 November 2007):
 You asked: Can I still dream a little?
You could...however, the longer you stay with some other woman's husband, the less likely you are to find your own soul mate.
No, he will never leave his wife for you.
I wonder if it is YOU that does not want a real relationship, and that is why you pursue a man that can never give you one.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, rusty  +, writes (16 November 2007):
ur wasting ur time if he didnt leave her straight away he aint going to get over him find someone else
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): Staying with him is not "free" right now. It is costing you. You NEED to realize that whether you want to or not, becuase YOU WILL feel this way as soon as it's really over with this guy.
Not only are you not getting a really legit relationship out of him, but you're missing out on dating right now. You are at the height of your attractiveness and the best time of your life to meet & date other guys. I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know, but saying it is not the same thing as REALLY knowing and acting on it. I don't think you REALLY know it yet.
This guy isn't gonna get together with you. You're fun to him but if he was gonna leave his wife for you he would have already done it. He doesn't have to be sleeping with you a whole lot just to be using you for selfish purposes. There's still the ego boost and thrill of an affair with a hotter young woman at work for him. Just knowing that he's got you is an emotional boost to him like you wouldn't believe.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 November 2007):
 You can dream all you like but he will never leave his wife for you.
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A
female
reader, BreeBree +, writes (15 November 2007):
I suggest you break up with him.He is a married man. He may love you, but at one time he loved his wife too and if he has kids he loves them. The best decision for him on the overall is to not break up his family and to stay with them. It i smore likely that he continues with you in secret than that he leaves them. He hasn't done it yet!If he does leave his family for you. You have a lot to live up to. As you stop being the "fantasy" "escape" woman and just the real woman. He may realize that your not perfect (noone is!) He may say things such as "I left my wife for you and now your doing this....." Being in a divorce is so stressful and you will get a man who is injured and who may blame you for that divorce.*On the other side of this, try to put yourself in the wives place? Is this the right thing to do? It's so easy to fall in love with a man who is taken (married, dating, etc.) and it's very possible to sway his affection. But, you are young and there will be other loves out there who can give you their FULL attention. You will not be the other lady, you will be their MAIN lady. They will love you and appreciate you and treat you how you deserve to be treated! Don't waste your time on him and let him resolve his marriage. When you first met him he said "no." It is hard to break up with someone you love, but it would be best for both of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): You can dream a little but it is inappropriate for you to be seeing a married man. I am sure in your country people would think that was wrong?? If he was going to leave his wife, he would have. Leaving her and not leaving her & getting some on the side with you are 2 completely different things. Are there kids involved? His wife gets 1/2 of everything he has if they divorce. Does he think you're worth that? I doubt it. You need to just forget about him. Why would you want someone that much older than you anyways? Sounds like you have some deeply rooted issues you're not aware of..Maybe try counseling?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): Dear Sara,
You are in a very unfortunate incident, but one in which only you have to be blamed. I know love is blind, but please open your eyes to the fact that the longer the relationship with his wife the more unlikely that it will break.
In my opinion, this relationship with him has no future. It will be good for you to break it off as soon as possible.
My 2 cents.
- R
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A
male
reader, Guitarboy  +, writes (15 November 2007):
 He is really not making plans to leave his wife. But he is having his cake; being married, having a wife, a home, and the psydo-family, while also eating it too; having a fling with you, a young thing who adores him, (no doubt a big boost to his 50 yr.old ego) and enjoying the excitement of sneaking around, doing something "forbidden" (some people get addicted to this alone). Consider your future with this man. In 10 yrs. he will be 60 and you will still be in your early-to mid 30's. You could very well be pushing a baby carriage and a wheelchair at the same time. You really should end this whatever-you-have with him, and consider finding someone in your own time-zone (age) so you can enjoy a long, loving relationship with someone you can trust with your heart. Good luck.
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