A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i am 21, i have a real problem that i need help with.Im a virgin and i have real girl problems, when i was 16,17 and 18 i wasnt really that nervous or shy around girls but every girl i liked i had my heart set on them and they said they liked me but they all just knocked me back and got my hopes up just to be shatterd they led me on, they wouldnt shut up about their ex bfs and they all just come up with excuses and its really damaged my confidence because im scared it will happen again. Since i was 18 i havnt felt like the same person i use to be. I have never had a proper gf, just seeing certain girls for a short while.I've only ever kissed a girl a couple of times and that was when i was drunk. I have met some girls and they go to kiss me and i back off because i dont really no what to do and i make excuses because i dont want to look stupid. No girl has ever given me a chance, i think i would make a good bf aswell i would never do a thing to hurt anybody. Also when it comes to talking to girls i dont know what the hell to talk about anymore, i do try to make an effort to make a conversation but all i get back is one word awnsers and that doesnt help me at all.I about if i do get a chance to have sex i would be so nervous that i wouldnt be able to get an erection and i carnt get the thought out of my head.I dont know how to meet and get talking to girls, i try speaking to girls online but nobodys intrested, when im out in a bar for example i see girls who i fancy but i dont believe in just randomly going up to girls just incase they have a bf etc and all the girls that i see out just look at you like your a piece of dirt.I really dont know what to do im in a mess i feel down, upset and really depressed because i want nothing more than a gf to do things with and hang out with and all these problems really would just go away. Also this doesnt help me and puts me down even more i have my parents keep telling me when are you getting a gf, get a gf etc etc its not that easy and because of my parents i even feel like im under pressure to get 1.Please put me in the right direction, Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): As with not wanting to look stupid kissing. Just do what feels right. The thing with kissing is you can always follow her lead. You dont really have to know what to do. Also there's loads of web sites with tips. We're all insecure about things. When you say girls answer with 1 word answers. There girls are just shy themselves and find it hard to make conversation. When i go out i never approach a guy. I always leave it to them. So make sure you do approach a girl if you like her or you wont get anywhere. Maybe dont make a beeline for her at the other side of the pub just incase she does have a boyfriend but just start chatting whilst your both at the bar. Its less obvious and not embarrassing if she has a bf or isn't interested. You know the problem with the human race is that we think too much. Think about what goes through your mind when you kiss/meet/chat to, a girl? Are you thinking how crap they are at kissing or that they are wierd. No your too busy with your own insecuritys and we're exactly the same. Im 18 and would love you to take me out. Whoever your future gf might be will be a very lucky girl.
A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (19 August 2008):
 I think you may be getting yourself in a tither about this and it will become a self fullfilling prophecy (sp) if you let these doubts continue in your head. The problem is your thoughts, not you. Lots of us have experienced being built up and knocked down, dumped, used and just about everything you've been through. It is a natural art of life I am afraid but it is also what makes us realize the right person when they come along.
I'm not going to tell you that the right person will come along when you least expect it because it will never happen if you aren't in the right frame of mind. You need to work on your self esteem and start building your confidence gradually. Please consider going out and having a goal to just talk to a girl. We always like it when the guys ask us questions about ourselves. Our jobs, our hobbies, our families, pets, movies, books, etc. You shouldn't be talking about ex's or bad dating experiences during the first part of a relationship. Don't talk yourself down either, we absolutely hate it when all the guy does is puts himself down. Be happy and somewhat carefree. Be considerate and a gentleman...open doors, walk a girl to her car. If a girl gives you her number and you say you will call her, do so. Follow through, do what you say.
The old saying that you have to kiss a lot of frogs is true for your gender as well. Not every girl you talk with is dating potential, but it is building confidence and will prepare you for when the right one comes along.
When you date, don't fall head over heels until the two of you get to know each other. Sex shouldn't happen until the two of you are comfortable with each other and by then, all of those performance fears will be long gone.
Just keep in mind, this is not over, you have only just begun...you can do this. I dated a guy who was 33 and who was in the same position as you. He did fine dating but in the end it was he who bolted because his fear got the best of him. I did not bail on him. If you stick it out, you'll do just fine.
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A
male
reader, LonelyButNotAlone +, writes (19 August 2008):
 You and I have a lot in common.
Here's what I recommend.
1) Try to find some sort of productive interest that'll get you out of the house and around people. Something active is very good. I took up mixed-martial arts.
2) Start talking to people online as often as you can. Try to get the best feel for how to handle conversation. Dating websites are great. I'd personally recommend SinglesNet. Just start talking to girls, even ones you wouldn't normally consider dating.
3) Try joining a club or class. If your college has dance classes, join them. Particularly Latin dancing. There are lots of single women who want to learn to dance that attend them, but men aren't so commonly seen there. And in any case, it's a good skill to have.
Don't worry about what your parents think. Just tell them it's hard for you and that you'd appreciate it if they'd not bring up such a sore subject.
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A
female
reader, superbunny +, writes (19 August 2008):
 Oh, you sound so lovely! Where do you live?
Seriously though, babe, your parents have no right to put pressure on you to get a girl. There's no age you should have one at.
It annoys me when people think they have to have sex when they're sixteen just cuz that's your first legal year - wait a while for someone who's worth your time and effort. If she's the right girl she'll be willing to take it at your speed + trust me, there's a lot of girls out there who would.
Hope this helps.
xx
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A
female
reader, Umari Solanthus +, writes (19 August 2008):
 It sounds to me like you have some self-confidence issues that you need to address first.
Because you've had some bad experiences (sorry about that, not all women are like that) you've been left with little confidence when it comes to approaching girls and chatting to them, and trusting them. These are what you need to address first: to regain your confidence in yourself before regaining your trust in them. I speak from a similar level: though I've never been let down by guys, I've had little contact with them and have been very distrusting, so I can see where you come from.
So, firstly, address your confidence issues. If you're feeling depressed, then maybe you should see your doctor. It's natural to feel a little sad, but if it's making you depressed then you should consider seeking some kind of counselling to address your issues and find ways to improve your confidence and self-esteem. Perhaps develop a new look, try a new hobby, do something new and exciting to develop your confidence?
The second is to address your issues with women. The chances are the girls that you are looking at are not suitable for you. If they look at you like you are dirt, chew you up and spit you out, then they are not the ones for you. When I spoke to my mother about my looking for a partner, she recommended I look for someone a little older than me, in the late twenties, who had matured and was possibly ready to settle down but still have some fun. Perhaps you could consider the same? Look for a woman in her mid-late twenties.
Obviously, since you have trust issues and little confidence, this is something you're going to want to take slowly. If you find a girl or woman you like, do not jump into a relationship straight away. That's like putting the ball and chain on immediately. Be friends for a while, and get to know them, learn the full extent of them without the chain of a relationship. Then, when you've known them for a number of weeks or months, take the next step.
You're also going to have to tell your parents to back off and stop pressuring you. That isn't helping you, especially when you have difficulty talking to women. You're gonna have to make them understand that you will get a girlfriend when you are ready for one, and you have things to do before you do so. You're still young, there is no rush, and they need to see that.
And don't worry about sex. Those thoughts come because of your lack of confidence. Once you regain your confidence, that problem will go away on it's own and you will be absolutely fine.
But first and foremost: sort out your confidence. That is most important. Then work on interaction and trust with women--gain women friends and take it slowly with a potential partner.
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