A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: What is a person supposed to do when they are no longer attracted to there spouse? My wife and I have been together now for 13 years, 8 of which we have been married. She is awesome in many aspects which is why I love her so much. She has always been there for me no matter what and 100% trustworthy. What first attracted me to her back in highschool was the fact that she was so athletic and confident. She played damn near every sport at varsity level and was hot hot hot! We had our ups and down and none of our friends thought we would last thru college well we did and lasted thru a tour of duty overseas as well. She is my soulmate. After highschool however she stopped doing all those activities that kept her thin and in shape. Ever hear the old line that you always need to look to the mother to see how the daughter will age? well my wifes mother is morbidly obese as well as her father and her older sister. I never believed it to be true and thought that my wife would never let herself be like that. Well she started gaining weight and I did all the tactful things to help her keep the weight off. I started making healthy meals which she didnt eat( went to mcdonalds 4 lunch instead). I started a workout routine and tried to get her to do it with me, that also failed due to numerous excuses from her. A couple of years went by and I began to be more blunt about it but all that did was make her mad and then no sex. I even for awhile did all the house chores, meals, bills, everything! I told her I would do everything all she had to do was work at her job and lose weight. Still nothing. she blamed it on her job that it was so stressful. she would come home crying because of it. Would she look for another job? of course not. I started searching for job postings for her but she would never apply. She just seemed to get lazier and lazier. She had all these issues but never would do anything to change it. Our sex life has always been great, even after 5 years of marriage we were having sex twice a day. Ive always been very sexually driven and she has always been GGG but now the fat rolls on her disgust me and I dont care to have sex with her anymore. BTW im physically fit still. I workout have six pack abs and like to stay fit and attractive. Well the past two years I have given up trying to help her. I came to the conclusion that im stuck with a women who doesnt care how I feel and will cont. to grow to be just like her mother. This has made me quite depressed and I started giving up myself. Now I look at her and just feel resentment. Even though she loves me with all her heart and I love her, her fat repulses me. She is 10 inches shorter than me and weighs just as much as me. I miss my little girl i could hug and envelope her, now it feels like im hugging a beach ball. Sadly, I wasn't man enough to leave her. I cheated instead. She found out but didnt leave. we tried working it out for awhile. she still didnt lose weight. I became more miserable and she knew something was wrong so she asked me to tell her the truth. I told her I was no longer in love with her and hadnt been for awhile because of her weight. She packed up and left that day. She quit her job and went back to school. However we bought a house and i had 2 figure a way to pay the mortgage so i got a roomate. She has been moved out for about 6mos now, but she wants to work things out? I wish we could but idont think she will change. She said she is going to lose the wieght but why did we have to go thru all this for her to get the picture? Why does she want me back when she knows im not in love with her anymore and have cheated and have been with numerous women since she left? My wife is 28, we have no kids. IF she was 50 and had been thru numerous pregnancies I would still b with her but at this age and our goals in life i.e we dont want kids I feel like I should find someone who wants to take care of themselves. Im not a complete jerk I tried being tactful, blunt, extremely loving and nothing worked. I should not have cheated but at the same time it has made me realize what I want in life and has given me the courage to move on. Life is to short! So what should I do? Can she actually lose the weight? how long do I wait to see if she will? Is this relationship to damaged to even try again? Im really confused, I love her but I want to be happy. What is my best course of action to move forward?
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depressed, lose weight, move on, moved out, no longer attracted, sex life, soulmate, want to be happy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): Yes, your wife can lose the weight - of course she can, but she won't. Sadly our society (which is in free fall) accepts obesity as a medical affliction instead of a lifestyle choice these days. If we are shallow by means of what we find attractive, then EVERYONE is shallow, because we all have our own ideas of attractiveness. I once overheard a very overweight person going on and on about how they could never be with a smoker as it was such a nasty habit, and thought, 'Really? Really?'.
I do agree with those giving you grief over the cheating though, you could have forgone that. But, then again, she's having an affair with food.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): it sounds like your wife has a lot of personal issues and baggage that she brought into the marriage and refused to do anything about it despite your efforts to help her. it sounds like she fell into a depression of some sort during your marriage and just got stuck languishing there, and her weight gain is one of the results.It's perfectly normal and natural to no longer be attracted to your spouse when they have gained a lot of weight AND on top of that you see their personality has also changed to where they are apathetic about life. They are not living up to their potential, in fact a person in this state of a depression is living in an abnormal state. How can this not affect the other spouse and the marriage??Yes love is unconditional. You obviously love(d) your wife enough to have been tactful when bringing up her weight issue because you didn't want to hurt her feelings and for being supportive in trying to help her lose weight. You realized that your physical relationship is important, that it had a problem, and you were doing your part to try and remedy it. You supported her in so many ways. But in the end, realize that you can't save someone, they have to want to save themselves. If they don't want to face their own personal problems, no amount of compassion and kindness and patience on your part will change a damn thing, except that you will get the life sucked out of you, as you did. and unfortunately, this is when you become so vulnerable to temptation, which is when you had the affair and which further messes up the already-dysfunctional relationship.Like you admitted, you should have been man enough to leave her already, instead of turning in desperation to an affair to have needs met that your wife was refusing to meet.As for whether to get back with her: if she hasn't changed her outlook on life, I don't see how this is a good idea, it will just be more of the same and you already know what that is.There comes a point when you have to no longer be an "enabler" trying to continually help and save your spouse from their personal demons if they are not interesting in helping themselves as well. To continue "enabling" them is to allow them to continue wallowing in their problems. I suspect that's what happened and why your wife never lost weight.There is a difference between loving someone, and being physically attracted to them! You love other members of your family without being physically attracted to them. But marriage has to be different from all other loving relatioships! a marriage relationship should have a sexual component. Thus, you may really love your wife and yet still find her very unattractive and this will still make for a crappy marriage and it's not your fault if you've tried so hard to fix this problem but she isn't doing her part.I suggest that you not get back with her until she has gone through personal counseling or therapy and started to sort out her own baggage that she had brought into the marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): I can see your point, but I think you are totally out of line and unproductive with regard to how you are going about it. Tearing down someone who is already in trouble basically sucks, is extremely short sighted and shallow on your part, and leads to nothing but the sadness and destruction of your wife. Grow up and take a kinder approach. You've got six pack abs? Well, I am happy that you have your physical appearance together... because it may be all you have. You have a sad wife who is clearly feeling very messed up inside. Given her athletic history... you must understand that something has gone awry here. Could it be that she strived so hard for so many years to win love and approval? Could it be that she wants to be loved unconditionally?
Real love is unconditional love. If you love her only when her appearance conforms with your sense of what your ego has led you to believe you are entitled to... then you are not loving her. You are using her and... you are using the other women you screw around with. If someone else's appearance changes your feelings for them ... then you must examine why that is. Is it that you see those around you as extensions of yourself? Have you ever thought deeply about what true love is?
Because the truth is... that if your wife felt loved she wouldn't be in this tailspin she's in. She would be flourishing.
Somehow, her fire has been put out ... her excitement about her life... since the two of you married.
Think about that.
Somehow, this beautiful woman has turned into a mess while you've been married. Have you sucked the life out of her? Have you been cruel and shallow? Have you loved her...? Have you ever loved her, or have you loved the idea of her and how it made you seem to be with a woman like her?
I am guessing that you are a controlling man. I am guessing that you place importance on your looks and that you define yourself (greatly) by them. I am guessing that you see your sex partners as extensions of yourself... and your wife as an extension of you... and as long as she isn't up to snuff.... well, then she (in your ego) is dragging you down.
Grow up. If you gave two flips about her... I really mean this... she wouldn't be beaten down. She seems to have gotten this way ... while basking in your 'love'. Ask yourself whether you are capable of loving anyone... including yourself... or whether this is just one great big head game.
I am a very vain person myself. I can understand the pretense of why you object to her appearance... However, understand that she got this way because of issues in her life... and you happen to be one of them. Back off and love her ... love her... and love her some more. Give. Lift her up. Adore her. Be a husband. Be a good man.
Then watch her blossom.
You need to do some growing up here and... if I were you... I'd do some serious introspection on what shallowness and cruelty you are demonstrating. It is almost unforgivable behavior...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): All I can say is this : thank God I have a hb that I have. He loved me enough to love me while I was fat. He is a good man. And your post just makes me realise what a good man he has been to me. It takes stories like this to make us appreciate what we really have.
To the OP : beauty is only skin deep. Yes slim is good. I have lost a lot of weight but the love I got from my hb was equal when I was fat and currently.
Thank goodness not all men are superficial.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): wow I'm in your exact same situation except the roles are reversed and it's my husband who has become obese after we got married while I have remained thin and athletic (and get a lot of male attention at work) like how he also was thin and fit and athletic before we got married. in fact that's a big reason why I even started dating him which is cos we both loved to do sports and that was a very strong thing that bonded us together because it was a lifetstyle compatibility. After marriage it all changed he became a couch potato gained 80 pounds, I felt like I had been lied to as to who he really was. He gained 80 pounds after we got married - to put this in perspective that's equivalent to the weight of a child!!!
I really really feel your pain, because I'm in the same situation. Everything you tried with your wife, I tried with my husband, with the same results as you. I too feel deprived, frustrated and resentful. And guilty for feeling this way! I cry a lot these days because our marriage sucks so much....We are now in marriage counseling, but to be honest I'm not optimistic. I'm also in individual counseling and my therapist says that you should not depend on someone else to change, if your well-being depends on someone else changing you are in a very unhealthy situation because you can't change people they have to want to change themselves.
If your wife wasn't overweight but simply decided she would no longer shower or brush her teeth or shave her legs or change her underwear or all of the above......would you find her disgusting? probably, and no one will fault you for it. No one will say "you have to accept her because love is about acceptance"..no, instead the wisdom is that she needs to take responsiblity to not be disgusting to you because you are her husband. Weight is within your control - if it's due to a medical condition like a thyroid problem, then get medical treatment for it. (will improve her own life too even if you weren't in the picture)
BUt weight is this taboo subject and somehow we are not "allowed" to find obesity in our partners unattractive we are supposed to accept them as they are. Sure you can accept them and love them, doens't mean you will find them sexually desirable. You love other family members without being sexually attracted to them, right?. But your spouse is supposed to be your only sexual partner thus sexual attraction is important to a marriage. I'm sorry if what I'm saying is very politically incorrect but I have struggled with my feelings of disgust because of my husband's obesity for almost a decade and we are both going crazy from living in a sexless marriage (because I can no longer force myself to have sex with him, it's too awful to me and makes me just wish I was anywhere else doing anything else but that) and am in counseling because of this issue.
the thing is, for years I was afraid to admit that I was disgusted by his obesity. To admit it is like admitting you are a shallow insensitive jerk. So i kept quiet, forced myself to have sex with someone I found utterly disgusting, suffered the mental damage of feeling so violated and cheapened and zero bonding or connection from the activity...until I couldn't take it anymore and had to stop having sex with him to protect my mental health......
What I've learned now is, your feelings exist and are real whether you or other people think you "should" or "shouldn't" be having these they are there and pretending they aren't there doesn't make them go away, and they affect your emotional health and your behavior.
see this site, marriagebuilders.com
they have articles on helping to restore love and intimacy in marriage. there's a section on "physical attractiveness"
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html
the point of the article is that like it or not, many of us DO have a psychological need to find our spouse at least a little bit physically attractive, or at least not totally disgusting. Whether it is "wrong" to have this need, doesn't change the fact that we have that need. Who is to say that it is any more "wrong" to have this need, than to have a need for communication. Who decides which emotional needs you "should" and "shouldn't" have? Thus, acknowledge that it is legitimate and valid to have a need to find your spouse non-disgusting. Then realize that in the case of obesity it is easier for your spouse to meet this need of yours than for you to try to make your needs go away.
Your wife sounds just like my husband. He got depressed early in our marriage (career disaster which to be honest he brought on himself by his own reckless behaviors) and his depression made him lethargic and seek comfort in food and gain weight while at the same time not doing anything about the situations that were making him depressed...Thus began the vicious cycle that , 10 years later, he is still trapped in, more obese than ever before and more depressed than ever before and thus still overeating more than ever before. At least we are in counseling now so the counselor is trying to work with him to get his depression treated. but it is going to take a looooong time to treat his depression , then for that to have an effect on him losing weight, so we will continue to have a sexless marriage for a looooong time.... Now I am also depressed, except that for me the tendency is to stop eating altogether. I've lost a lot of weight (not in an attractive way).
Your wife probably has deeper issues than just weight gain. Probably the weight is just a symptom, therefore she has a lot of inner work to do. Your wife sounds like she has low self esteem (like my husband) which is probably what drives her to overeat and gain weight and be unable to sustain motivation long enough to lose weight. Why else would she want you to take her back when she knows you are not in love with her?? (same thing happened with my husband by the way, I finally admitted I wasn't in love with him and wanted to leave yet he begged me to stay which is why we are in couples counseling and why I'm also in individual counseling cos I still want to leave but he's begging me to stay)
Since you did already leave your wife, once, I think you should keep it that way. Don't get back with her UNTIL she has made the changes that are needed i.e. she has done her inner work and it has manifested in her losing weight to where you can feel attracted to her again. Don't get back with her based on possibly-empty promises. You are not her therapist, she needs to do her own inner work, not for you to take her back and save her from herself.
Like my therapist said, you shoudln't make your happiness or emotional well being dependent on someone else changing. Don't count on other people to change. if she does change, that's great and you can start over. But don't count on it, have a Plan B. or maybe it is a Plan A...
good luck!!!
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (18 December 2010):
I just wanted to say that the anonymous woman who commented here makes a really good point.
My mom was a really beautiful woman when she was in her mid twenties. Tall, slim, etc. Then she got Multiple Sclerosis before I was born (she was 28) and she deteriorated fast. Today she is in an electric wheelchair. She can't do anything anymore, only move her head and arms a little. Ofcourse she got out of shape. She still weighs a slim 130 lbs at a height of 5'10, but her muscle mass is gone. The MS has also started to to damage her memory and concentration: she can't read anymore and she forgets quickly.
My dad used to be like you. He was very athletic, good looking and he cares about his appearance. The big difference is that he accepted my mom for who she was. He could have left her at 28 and lived a free life. But he stayed instead because he loves her and still does.
You have to realize that not everything is as simple as it may seem. There are so many stories of unfortunate slim people who got thyroid problems and couldn't manage their weight or got something else more tragic that changed their lives forever. You might be one of those in the future. And then you would be wishing people would stay for who you are too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Give the guy a break!
You were WRONG to cheat. You should have done the right thing and LEFT your wife first instead of putting her thought that pain. However, that said there is nothing wrong with wanting someone who is more your ideal.
SHE is in the wrong; as at first she was thin and athletic so you were lead to believe that she would continue to be that way. But she let herself go. You are her husband and you DONT have to love her unconditionally as you are not her mother.You should have left WITHOUT cheating, so that both you and your wife could have preserved some dignity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Well, it sounds like you have nice packaging and you are looking for someone else who is neatly packaged. Good luck with all of that. I sincerely hope that you never suffer a stroke or that you are never stricken with a disease ... or have the misfortune of being in an accident... I hope that you never develop prostate problems rendering your male member sexually useless... that you are never mamed or crippled. I hope that you always have your six pack abs and the life that goes with it.Be careful about how you define yourself and others. It may very well come back to haunt you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Have you ever thought that you may contributed to her weight gain. Loveless act makes a great point, she must and probably is till currently suffering from depression. Depression is a serious disorder and in many cases it can lead to weight gain because the sufferer looses motivation, a sense of self worth or any energy to take care of themselves.I know from my studies that it is important to feel supported by your spouse and it serves as a buffer against developing depression. You instead have been inconsiderate, selfish and more fixated on your own personal needs than hers.she knows that you aren't attracted to her and instead of changing she is just maintaining her maladaptive behavior by seeking food as a source of comfort. Whats worse is that instead of being there for her you cheat on her which must have damaged her feelings of self worth.And by the way you express yourself on your mail, you sound even too self absorbed to even consider that she is in great psychological pain. You should both consider couples therapy because you both have a lot of unresolved issues. If you don't care for therapy than you might as well end the marriage. it sounds like you don't love her.
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (18 December 2010):
"I came to the conclusion that im stuck with a women who doesnt care how I feel"
But have you considered how she must feel? She's obviously lost a sense of self confidence, and surely it will not help to continue to nag (and even threaten her with ultimatums) about her weight. She said she comes home stressed from work and in tears; did you ever consider that she's depressed? Maybe she has been for a while?
Depression can not only cause laziness and weight gain, but it also causes an inability to care about or want to change. Chances are she feels hopeless, and it only gets worse when the one person who is supposed to support her no matter what; love her until the end (You) is criticizing her on her appearance.
Hate to say it, but even as a 22 student I know that marriage is not meant for those who expect a smooth journey. You made a vow to this woman to always love her; I suggest you start living up to that or end it before she gets too hurt. Best of luck with your future arrangements.
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A
female
reader, yvonica +, writes (18 December 2010):
 All th people who have commented on this are right... they have a point!
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A
female
reader, HopelessRomantic66 +, writes (18 December 2010):
Let me tell you something. I was in your wife's shoes once. She has to want to lose the weight or she will not keep it off if she does take it off. If you have continued to pressure her about it, she will eventually feel nothing but resentment for you, and you will have destroyed her self-esteem. If you are that vane that this is such an issue for you, then you don't deserve her. Your marriage vows said for better or worse, in sickness and in health...Love should be unconditional.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Let it be over, let her find someone who will truly love her. Someone not as shallow. Yes life is too short, especially to live by appearances.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): “Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”
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A
female
reader, AliceSullivan +, writes (18 December 2010):
 when you love someone you love them for who they are on the inside not on the outside dude just wrong
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A
female
reader, OliviaAna +, writes (18 December 2010):
 OMG You are all about YOU! I'm sure she would be devastated to know what you've said about her.
Sounds like her unhapiness with you being a selfish jerk helped her to put on those extra pounds due to the STRESS and PAIN you've put her through. You should be ashamed.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): "Sadly, I wasn't man enough to leave her. I cheated instead."
I don't know how much your wife weighs, or how tall she is, or what her BMI is, but you and your six pack abs sound like you are Mr. Perfect.
Frankly, that sounds like you are looking for an excuse to excuse your cheating.
Time to move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010):
I feel sorry for her. You hurt her badly. It sounds to me like her weight gain is much more important to you than it is to her.
Most of us put on weight when we get older, epsecially we females who have to deal with hormone issues--which may be a problem for your wife.
I had an online boss like you. He fell in love with a photo of me from when I was younger. After he met me in person and saw that I was much heavier, due to PCOS, prematue ovarian decline, and early diabetes, he constantly went on about my need to lose weight and would lecture me if I went out to eat. His comments became cruel.
He was thin himself, had never had a weight problem and had no idea of what it was like to have one. His answer was exercise. But it's much more complicated than that.
Our relationship ended years ago, but his obsession with my weight really hurt--and it does even to this day. It would hurt even more if it were coming from my spouse. But my spouse loves me just the way I am and thinks I'm the sexiest woman alive. He still sees me as that young beautiful girl I was years ago (I'm 46 now).
I have since lost 40 pounds after getting on Metformin (a diabetic medication) and bioidentical HRT, and I still have about 40 pounds to lose. I've done this with a reduced carb diet as I don't process carbs right and my body stores them as fat, especially in the stomach area.
So yes, it is possible to lose weight, but not easy.
But the truth about your wife is, she probably won't lose the weight as it's easier to cure cancer than it is to lose weight. She has to want to do it herself--for herself. And she certainly needs to check out the hormonal and medical aspect of it, which may not be a quick solution. Believe me, I went through many doctors over a course of many years who wouldn't help me.
So I know what it feels like to be in your wife's shoes. My heart truly goes out to her.
And honestly, I don't feel that her weight is, by any means, an excuse for you to cheat. I agree with those who say that you shouldn't give her false hope.
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A
female
reader, yvonica +, writes (17 December 2010):
Well hmmmmmmm. Being lazy is bad... being unhealthy is bad also. I honestly think shes peobably compfortible in her own skin. A lot of wemon struggle to be perfect and have a perfect body. For someone to actually be ok with how they look and not be what they call "perfect" is someone whos unable to be influenced by television and magazines. Remember if you cant love her for who she is someone else will.
Yes i think she can loose the weight. If shes determin enough she can. But what she probably wants the most is for you to love her unconditionally. I dont know her but thats how i would feel.
I gave birth to my daughter two years ago. Im very self concitious about my body. I will go crazy if i ever became fat... im short to that makes the matters even worse. I was 120 - 125 before i got pregnant... when i finally gave birth i was 180... thats a loooooot. Loosing baby fat is way harder than loosing fat gained over the years. I manage to loose weight after a year of giving birth because my body went back to its normal menstral cycle... right now i am 3lbs away from 125lbs.
So yes your wife can loose it and probably faster and easier than me.
Helpful tips to help her to loose weight... go on the internet and show her how the weight can effect her health and how you love her and dont want her to develope a deadly deases.. cancer, heart attacks dietbeties... please excuse my poor spelling. lol
Give her tips how to loose weight... Slim fast taste great! seriously and it works and has tons of vitamins that will help her stay awake and energized.
My opinion i think you should be more worried about her health than how she looks. If you love someone there weight should not make you less intrested... but your concern for there health because of there health should make you want to help them loose weight.
Good Luck hun.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 "I love her but I want to be happy"
It sounds like you don't love her enough to stand by her even though she has put on weight. Although you feel you have done everything you can, she has to want to change herself to make a change. Putting pressure on her isn't helping.
Marriage is about sticking together through the tough parts and supporting eachother, it appears like you don't like this part of the deal. People change when time goes by. You got married very young, or course you arnt going to stay the same.
How much weight has she put on?
Love is accepting your partner as they are, not cutting loose when you have a rough patch.
The question is, can you love her as she is?
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A
female
reader, sammi star +, writes (17 December 2010):
 You already have moved forward. There's no going back for a relationship with no love. It would be cruel to give her hope where there is none.
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